CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
JAKE
The tears were at the surface, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold them back. They’d been lodged in my ducts all day, waiting for the right time to finally break. But I refused to make a scene at work. I didn’t want to be that person that everyone gossiped about.
When Gabriel didn’t come in for lunch, I realized I’d made a mistake.
I hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him I felt like an imposter at his family’s house, and that I was embarrassed I'd known where to find drug addicts because it was where my mother used to hang out.
And sometimes I went there looking for her because not knowing if she was dead or alive tore me up, but I was too scared to actually find out if she still lived.
You need to stop bottling everything up, I chastised myself, echoing my therapist.
I was angry with myself for running again.
The moment I walked in my door that night, I regretted leaving.
It wasn’t fair to call Gabriel and ask him to pick me up.
But I didn’t know how to explain to him why I did things like this.
It was hard talking about my problems. I needed him to ask and help me find the words I was unable to express on my own.
But that was asking too much, wasn’t it?
Worse, I’d abandoned him when he needed me.
I should have been there for him because I knew how soul-shattering it was dealing with an addict.
I hated myself for it, but I wasn’t good with things like that.
I was desperate to call him but was afraid things wouldn’t go the way I wanted them to, so I didn’t, nor did I text.
I was numb as I rode the bus home. Bad things flew through my mind. If he cared about me as much as he said he did, wouldn’t he have called, or shown up for lunch? Maybe he’d finally realized he didn’t want to deal with all my issues and was relieved to get rid of me.
My sinuses were swollen and as I dragged my feet into my apartment building, the first tear escaped.
I needed him to hold me and tell me that he cared about me.
I’d wanted him to beg me to stay Christmas night, but he hadn’t.
I was aware I was looking for excuses to lock myself away, but it wasn’t something I could control.
I found myself in front of Maria’s door.
I’d lost Gabriel because of my own cowardice and now I might lose her and the kids.
But I was tired of being a wimp and living in a cage.
This was the day I would tell her the truth, except I couldn’t find the strength to lift my arm and knock on the door. My fear response was to freeze.
The door shot open, and Maria squealed, pressing her hand to her heart. “Jake! You scared me. Did you need…something?”
Her dejected expression nearly killed me.
I scrambled for a response, trying to organize my thoughts.
With each passing second I could see our friendship dying in her eyes.
She moved, probably to step outside the door but in my fear-addled mind, she was rushing to run from me, and I’d never get another chance to be honest.
“I’m gay,” I blurted. “I’m sorry…I didn’t tell you… I was afraid you’d want nothing to do with me.”
“Oh, Jake,” she said, her chin trembling. She pulled me into a hug.
I froze again, sure this wasn’t happening but as she hugged me tighter, I wrapped my arms around her and held on for life. I inhaled her perfume, so like my Aunt Gracie and Martha’s. It was the scent of a loving mother.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you,” I mumbled against her shoulder.
“It’s not your fault. And it’s not mine. I just wished you would have told me.”
“So…you’re okay with it?”
“How can you ask that?” She breathed out a curse and whispered, “Who hurt you?”
The whole damn world, I thought miserably. She rubbed my back tenderly and I couldn’t let go. When she stiffened my arms, I thought I’d misread the situation. My name on her lips caught my attention and she nodded to the side.
My heart hammered as Gabriel stood at the edge of the staircase, dressed like he was going on a date with his hair slicked back, and holding a bouquet of colorful flowers. Despite his state of dress, his expression was ragged, as if he’d been crying.
“Ah… Is this a bad time?” He rasped.
Maria cupped my cheek tenderly. “We will talk later, okay?”
Then she was gone and all I could do was stare at him. Mr. Dreamy. The love of my life. I wanted to be a big boy about this, but I couldn’t hold back. Tears just started flowing. He cursed and closed the distance between us. I fell into his arms and cried all over his expensive clothes.
“It’s okay, baby boy,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry, I got scared…” I pulled away, dried my tears, and faced him head on, determined not to run, and hide. Making things semi-right with Maria had injected courage into my veins. “I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there.”
“That’s my fault. I shouldn’t have forced you to do something you weren't ready for.”
Gabriel was perfect and I was an idiot for sabotaging us. “No, it’s not. I’ve done this all my life. I don’t know why. Things get hard and I retreat into myself. Your family is amazing and I…got scared.”
He blew out a big breath. “I’m sorry everyone in your life abandoned you. The closest people to you never fought for you, did they? And I’m sorry it took me four days and three tubs of ice cream to figure that out. I won't be another cog in the machine of disappointment.”
I didn’t know what to say. He was spot on. Even my Aunt Gracie, through no fault of her own, had left me.
“Let’s go inside and talk,” he said and took my hand.
His blunt nails dug into my skin as if he were afraid of losing me again.
When we were in my apartment, he kissed my cheek, my chin, and my eyelids.
All I could do was hang onto him, terrified he’d go away, that I’d push him away.
He set the bouquet of flowers on my rotting table and kicked his shoes off.
“I’m guessing no one has ever gotten you flowers before, either,” he teased lightly. “I’ll cross that one off the list.”
It was such a simple and sweet gesture and I hated myself all over again for leaving him when he’d needed me the most.
“It’s okay, baby boy,” he whispered, holding me tight. “It’s okay.”
I shook my head, but I wasn’t sure what I was denying.
“It is okay because I’m not letting you go again,” he said, his voice quaking. “Not without a fight and I’m prepared to step in the ring for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I managed. “I’m so messed up.”
“I’m pretty good at cleaning up messes. I’ll help you with yours.”
“But it won’t be fun,” I countered, realizing I was looking for a reason for him to leave. “And I’ll try to sabotage us again, I know I will. But…you can’t let me.”
“Like I said. I’m not going down without a fight. You belong to me.”
His sudden ownership over me touched something I thought was long dead. I nuzzled against him, burying my nose in the crook of his neck where I could smell his aftershave and expensive soaps. His hands roamed my body, fingers digging into my scalp, his palm caressing my back.
“Look at me,” he murmured.
It was hard, but I did. He was so beautiful, even red-eyed and runny-nosed. He kissed me sweetly and dried my tears.
“I’m in love with you. I know it hasn’t been very long, but you make it very hard not to be.”
I tried to bite back my smile.
“Not many people told you that they love you, have they?”
“No… I… No, not really. I—I love you too.”
We sat down on my bed, and I held onto him. He kissed the top of my tangled hair. “It’s okay. Just breathe.”
“Sometimes I’m not sure I know what love is,” I admitted.
“Do you want to be with me?” He asked hoarsely and I supposed he was afraid of the answer.
“Yes. I really do. I’m just…scared.”
“Loving someone is scary, isn’t it?” We cuddled for a long time, my tears drying.
Finally, he said, “I’m going to show you what it’s like to love someone.
I promise to bring you flowers every week.
I’ll show you wonders, and we will do simple, silly things like playing Skee-Ball and driving in circles because it’s fun.
I want to give you the world, baby boy.”
“I don’t deserve you,” I sobbed into his chest.
His fingers were rough as he made me look at him. “Yes, you do. It’s not your fault you didn’t get the love you deserved when you were young. I’m going to remedy that.”
I lost myself in him. He was more than a handsome face and skilled lover, but a kind man with a beautiful soul that deserved to be loved too.
“And I want you to tell me things when you’re ready. I promise I’ll keep your secrets like they’re precious. You don’t have to be afraid of me judging you. I’ll always listen.”
“I want to tell you stuff but I don’t know how. It’s hard for me to find the words. You’ll…have to help me.”
“Deal,” he said with a little wink.
Digging my fingers into his crisp shirt, I said, “Will you promise me something? If you ever feel like you’re putting more effort into this, you will tell me? I don’t…want you to resent me.”
“I promise. Besides, there is nothing wrong with needing a little extra.” That smirk that I loved pulled at his lips. “I enjoy spoiling you and taking care of you. It’s not a chore.”
“Okay,” I breathed out and laid my head against him.
I focused on the rise of his chest as he breathed and the beat of his heart. I wanted to cry again because I had a real shot at happiness. But I was afraid of screwing it up. I made a promise to both of us to work on fixing myself so we could be together as equals.
“How—I’m sorry I left you when you needed me, but… how is your sister?” I asked.
He sighed and I glanced up to find an angry expression on his face. I listened intently as he talked about her, describing in detail what it was like not knowing if someone you loved was dead or alive. He was conflicted about the situation, and I understood all too well.