Chapter Four #2
“Why did you withdraw? You never did that at the start of our marriage.”
“Ah, Emma, there is much you can’t understand about me.” The sound of his sigh seemed to echo in the darkness. “Adding a babe to our lives as they are at present would prove irresponsible.”
“Meaning what?” Did that mean he’d thought about having a family with her?
That gave her pause and a slightly new perspective.
When her husband didn’t say anything further on the subject, she swallowed a sigh of disappointment.
“I hope you might talk to me about what you are going through. Despite what your mind tells you, I do care about you.”
That would never change, no matter what happened between them. Despite what he just did to her, seeing him again brought home how much she’d missed him and how much she wanted to repair the damage between them.
Finally, he nodded. “Perhaps I might, but truth to tell, I don’t know if I can find the words that will even sufficiently explain what is happening in my mind, my life.
I feel so lost at times, Emma…” His words trailed off, and there was so much emotion in his voice it brought tears to her eyes.
“Why I’m so damned afraid now after being strong enough to fight on those Godforsaken battlefields. ”
That was a start. “Fair enough. I won’t push. At least not right now.” Clearly, he was in a vulnerable state. Had he spent the time away from her lost to the anguish of his mind? “How long are we going to be at Thornton Hall?”
“I’m afraid I couldn’t begin to say.”
Yet the vague replies were beginning to grate. “What are we supposed to be doing there?”
“Try to bridge the void that has grown between us?” Once more, he shrugged, and it was a beautiful, elegant gesture despite his scarred face or that his cane served as a permanent testament to what he’d gone through.
“Whatever you want. You wanted my attention; now you have it. All of it, undivided.”
How interesting. “Does that mean I’m in control of what happens once we reach the hall?
” If he allowed her that, then there was no question that his mind had well and truly slipped.
Was he in a more terrible state than she could have imagined?
A flutter went through her heart at his pride that prevented him from reaching out to her, asking for help from anyone.
“To a point, but remember, I am still the duke and your husband. I will take back control when I feel it’s necessary.
” He removed his tailcoat, and when she assumed that he might give it to her because the February chill seeped through her ballgown, he wadded it up then laid upon the well squabbed bench across the narrow aisle and closed his eyes, using the garment as a makeshift pillow.
What a bounder he had proved to be. Had she chosen him by mistake? An ache set up around her heart to even put such a thought into her mind.
Spying a folded blanket at the edge of her bench, she quickly snatched it up.
The wool was most welcome. With another shiver, Emma resettled on her bench with her back to the wall.
She drew her knees up and arranged her skirting around her legs in an effort to stave off the chill.
Then she draped the blanket about her form.
Sleep would have been a blessed way to pass the time, but she’d never been able to doze while in a carriage.
There was far too much to worry about during a journey on the road.
But she couldn’t keep her gaze from him.
Even reclining as he was, she couldn’t forget how his body had felt against hers in that garden, how his hard angles had fit into her softer curves, how, for a fleeting second, she had felt safe and secure in his arms despite the violent way they’d come together.
And his arrogant silence made a mockery of it all.
“So that’s your solution then? You just will ignore me while I’m right in front of you instead of miles apart?” No matter how many truths or confessions they’d shared over the past two hours, he certainly hadn’t learned new behaviors if he insisted on treating her thusly.
Silence met her inquiry.
“Damn it, Thornton, talk to me! I’ve had enough of being alone in the quiet.” Though she hadn’t meant to admit that so soon, it had slipped out regardless.
His eyes opened. They glittered in the dim illumination from the outside lanterns.
“In that, you and I are in agreement. However, where I’m concerned, I have managed to find comfort and acceptance in the silence.
It doesn’t judge, only accepts what is.” But he did nothing else, and seconds later, his eyes shut once more.
With a ball of unshed tears in her throat, she tamped down on the urge to rail at him.
Leaning her head back against the wall of the carriage, she closed her own eyes and gave herself over to the sway of the vehicle and the rumble of the wheels on the road.
Well, she’d wanted them to be together. Now they were, but the situation hadn’t changed all that much.
And her heart broke anew. Where she thought she’d purged him from her system, when she thought she would never shed a tear over him again, this night had proved her wrong on all counts.
What was her next course of action? Did she have the strength and patience to try and break through the walls he’d obviously built around himself to keep out… everyone?
Including her?
In this moment, it was difficult to know, but she refused to give up on him if there was a shred of hope that they could reclaim what they’d had before.