CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
My sister’s face froze. It was painful to watch every line harden. “Why are you asking me this now?”
I wet my lips. “Because this is the first time we’ve been alone together since you came to the city. Because being in the place where he died makes me think about him constantly. Because I’ve always needed to know the truth.”
Ysabel’s voice became distant. “I told you what happened.”
“You told me that Cardinal Jiang murdered him, but not how or why. That’s not enough. Please, Yzzy, he was my brother, too! I deserve to know!”
Ysabel did not speak. Her eyes were wide. It took me a moment to realize that she was very slightly shaking. Sweat crept down her neck. Her mouth opened and her throat bobbed, but no sound came out. She was having a panic attack.
I leapt to my feet and ran around the desk. Dropping to my knees before her, I grabbed her hands. “Breathe. Can you breathe with me? Inhale. Exhale.”
Ysabel met my gaze. Tears leaked from her eyes. After a few stuttering breaths, she started to match my pace.
“Inhale. Exhale.” I breathed deeply to demonstrate. “Good, good.” I squeezed her hand. “You’re doing great.”
Ysabel drew in a shaky breath. She released my hand to wipe her eyes. The flush faded from her face.
Where was my handkerchief? Had I left it in my room? I found one in the desk drawer and offered it to her. “I’m sorry, Yzzy. I shouldn’t have asked. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“No. You have the right to ask. He was your brother, too.” Ysabel stared at the crumpled handkerchief in her fist. “I owe you an explanation.”
It bothered me how she said that, like a defendant before a judge. “Not if it’s going to make you suffer.”
Gazing off into the distance, she spoke as if she hadn’t heard. “Calum joined Cardinal Jiang’s guard to spy on him. He kept it secret—only Uncle Urew knew. He did it for me, in order to find a way to stop Jiang from sacrificing me.”
“Wait, Jiang tried to do what now?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Ysabel looked up. “Oh, right, you didn’t know. I didn’t tell anyone. I only told Calum because I was angry at him. I should never have told him. He’d be alive if I hadn’t.”
“Hey, don’t say that. Look into my eyes.
Breathe.” I took her hand again. A part of me felt hurt my sister had never trusted me with this information before, but I shoved that part deep down, because this moment wasn’t about me.
(And honestly, she’d probably been right to think I would be useless.
But now wasn’t the moment to dwell on that.)
Ysabel’s hand hung loose in my grip. She barely seemed aware of me. “Cardinal Jiang planned to sacrifice me in a magical ritual to obtain immortality. I’d sworn a life-oath not to escape him.”
“Why would you—?” I stopped, realizing I sounded too accusatory.
Ysabel answered me anyway. “He threatened our people. He would have killed me anyway. I just didn’t want him to kill more people while he was at it.
” She half sobbed. “Jiang caught Calum and took him hostage to have extra leverage to use against me. If I’d given in to him, if I hadn’t fought him, then Calum would still be alive. ”
“No!” I grabbed her face and forced her to look into my eyes. “You can’t know that. Jiang probably would have killed Calum anyway.”
“I could have arranged his safety by forcing Jiang to swear a life-oath—no, he could break life-oaths—but if I’d rescued Calum faster …” She was hyperventilating again, stuck on a past she couldn’t change.
I didn’t know what to say to her to make her believe me. “It’s not like that, Yzzy. Calum would never want you to blame yourself.”
Even as her hand shook in mine, Ysabel’s voice took on that horribly distant tone again. It scared me. “I tried to have it both ways. I tried to save both of us. Maybe I wasn’t as selfless as Calum. I struck a deal with Kaine to defeat Jiang in the Games, break my life-oath, and rescue Calum.”
“Which is what Calum would have wanted you to do!” I said loudly. Our big brother had always protected both of us. “The so-called cardinal turned out to be a demented necromancer. You couldn’t have let him win.”
“I remember when Jiang launched his rebellion. He met me just inside the city. He had Calum. He smiled at me. Then he slit Calum’s throat.”
I gasped.
Ysabel wrenched away from me. She put her head in her hands, her fingers digging deep into her scalp. “It’s my fault that our brother is dead. I failed Calum. I couldn’t tell you because I was afraid you’d hate me.”
“It’s not your fault!” I nearly screamed it, even though I knew my words would make little difference.
If our positions had been reversed, I would have blamed myself, too.
What were words except empty nonsense? “I’m sorry I made you tell me.
” I wanted to know, but I hated the pain I’d caused her.
“I hate Jiang. I’m so angry at what he did to you and Calum.
I’m glad he’s dead. I want to dig up his bones and burn whatever is left of him. ”
Ysabel looked up at me with teary eyes. “But it is my fault. Everything happened because of me. If I didn’t exist, then Calum would be alive.”
“If I didn’t exist, then Calum would still be alive and you’d never have been sold into slavery and fallen into that necromancer scum’s clutches.”
Surprise erased the agony from Ysabel’s voice. “That doesn’t make sense.”
“Yes, it does. After Dad sold you, he told Mom that he could afford to lose you because they had another girl old enough to work around the house. Therefore, if I hadn’t been born, none of this tragedy ever would have happened.”
“That’s hardly your fault!”
“I could say the same to you.”
“Who knows if Dad was even telling the truth?”
“Again, I could say the same about Former Head Cardinal Jiang and his improbable promise to ever let Calum go.”
Ysabel shook her head. “It’s not the same.”
“My claim is exactly as logical as yours.”
Tears overflowed from Ysabel’s eyes. “There must have been a way I could have saved Calum,” she whispered. “There must have been something I should have done differently. I’d only just reconciled with him, then he died. I want him back! I miss him so much!”
“Me, too.” I wrapped my arms around my older sister, and we wept until our tears had run out.
After we’d both cried our way to exhaustion, I helped Ysabel stand up. Not only did she look exhausted, the pregnancy was clearly wearing on her, too. She never used to move so slowly.
When I opened the door, Kaine stood on the other side. “Can I take you back to our room? Do you need a hot drink?”
“How do you always do that?” Ysabel asked with a mixture of affection and exasperation. “How do you have a supernatural ability to know when I’ve been crying?”
Kaine blinked. “I’ve got enhanced hearing, but this time, it was too loud for me to need it. Who am I going to murder?”
Ysabel laughed. “No one, unless you can kill Jiang again.”
“I could dig up his bones and burn them.”
I nodded. “That’s what I suggested.”
Ysabel massaged her temples. “The drink sounds nice. I’d like to lie down for a bit. Bora, we’ll talk more about our political plans later.”
My sister leaned on her husband as she walked away, his arm around her shoulders. Her hair fell slightly out of her bun, over his large fingers. He murmured something to her, then she collapsed deeper into his embrace.
Alone, I considered what I wanted to do. There was no doubt plenty of work setting my deals in motion, but I didn’t have the energy. Nor did I want to be alone. I knew exactly what I wanted.
I wanted to see Araceli. I felt surprised by the intensity of the desire. If we could just be in the same room or exchange a few words, it would make me feel better.
I nearly asked the closest person where to find Araceli, then thought better of it. I’d make a huge fuss and have absolutely no reason for it. How would I explain myself?
As if in a trance, I walked back to my room, opened the door, and fell face first onto my bed. I stayed like that until a maid came by to tell me that I was wanted at dinner. She wasn’t Araceli. I didn’t know why that disappointed me so much.
Ysabel met me at the dining room door. “We’re having a family dinner tonight. Just you, me, Kaine, and your ‘friend’ Ari.”
I squirmed internally at the emphasis she put on the word friend. “Why Ari?”
“I should be asking you that,” Ysabel said in a mischievous way. “Kaine agreed with me. In fact, he insisted. He said it was a necessary rite of passage.”
What did that mean? I had no time to ask before Ysabel whisked me inside.
The round tower room was surrounded by windows on three sides, overlooking the snow-covered gardens.
At first I thought the table stood on a carpet, but it was actually a tile pattern embedded in the floor.
A mirror on the ceiling made the small room seem bigger and brighter.
The ebony table had been covered with roasted chicken and mashed potatoes.
Each cushioned chair had a golden butterfly on the back.
Kaine sat next to Ari, who I knew was currently Ari from his white shirt and trousers.
Kaine stuffed a grape into his mouth. In his typical blunt fashion, he asked, “Are you a she or a he? It may affect the particular nature of the threats I level against you.”
“Today, I don’t feel much like either, but ‘he’ fits best at the moment.”
Kaine’s eyes widened. He leapt to his feet with his arms extended, shouting, “New friend!” as he attempted to hug Ari. Ari held him off with one hand.
Ysabel pinched her forehead. “Love of my life, we’ve talked about this. No hugging without asking first.”
“Sorry.” Kaine lowered his arms. “Can I hug you?”
“Err, I’d rather not,” Ari said.
“I’m completely fine with that.” Kaine sat down. “Sorry again. I got a little overexcited about meeting someone like me.”
“We’re alike?” Ari sat up straighter.