CHAPTER EIGHTEEN #2
“It’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough to make us friends,” Kaine said. “I was born female, but I realized pretty early on that I identified as a boy. I know it’s not so straightforward for everyone.”
Ari nodded. “I thought I might be like that for a while, except the other way around. I think the longer I presented as a man, the more it bothered me that no one saw me as a woman, but then when everyone saw me as a woman, I had the same problem the other way around.”
“The elves call that genderfluid.” Kaine leaned forward. “I know a woman with a body-modification gift who changed my body into the form I wanted. The change is complete. It even allowed me to become a father. Should I introduce you?”
“Thank you, that’s a very generous offer, but there’s no need. I’ve never felt like I was in the wrong body. I just … don’t think my body is who I am. Just an arbitrary box that causes other people to put stifling labels on me.”
“Boy, do I ever feel that,” I muttered, thinking of how everyone back in my village used to look at me with a mingling of pity and indifference.
When both of them looked at me, I flushed.
“I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just that I know what it’s like to be uncomfortable with your body.
I had to deal with”—I didn’t want to admit to making myself throw up—“bullying. Uh. I know that’s nothing like what you’ve gone through.
Err, since it’s a lot more common to be fat.
Most people don’t care. Only a few jerks make a fuss about it.
” My tongue was all tied up, and this wasn’t coming out right.
“I was trying to say that I admire you both for taking charge of your own identities. Uh, I’ve never had any conflicting feelings about my gender.
But if I did, I bet I would have bottled it up and hid it for my entire life. ”
Ari touched my hand. “I respectfully disagree. I think you’re a lot braver than you give yourself credit for.”
“Thanks.” I flushed. “I confess I’m curious to learn more. This is a new concept to me.”
“I’ve wanted to talk to you about it for a while,” Ari said, meeting my gaze. Something in that look sent shivers through me. “I’ll answer your questions if you answer mine.”
“Sure! What causes you to change between genders?”
“The first question, and already I can’t answer.
” Ari smiled ruefully. “I don’t know. It just happens.
Sometimes over a long period of time, sometimes a couple times a day.
Sometimes who I’m talking to or what I’m doing affects how I feel, sometimes it doesn’t.
Trust me, I find it more confusing than anyone else.
When I don’t follow how I want to express my gender, I don’t feel like my honest self. ”
“I think you answered me perfectly,” I said.
Kaine nodded. “I get it. I used to feel like a foreigner in my body. It drove me crazy when someone called me ‘she’ and I’d just think ‘Who’s that?’ Like a gut wrongness.”
“Yes! Exactly!” Ari snapped his fingers and sat up straighter.
“A constant, nagging itch. It can be frustrating that I have to dress up one way or another to get people to see me how I want. Sometimes I don’t want to change clothes in the middle of the day.
But I suppose I should be grateful that Arahasnor has so many gendered uniforms. Makes it easier. ”
“In elven society, some people go by ‘they’ or use another gender-neutral pronoun,” Kaine said.
Ari shrugged. “I’d heard that, but I’m not sure it’s right for me.
I like it when people perceive me as the same gender I identify as at the moment.
It gives me a feeling of satisfaction that I’m not sure I’d get from ‘them.’ Sometimes I’m fine with any pronoun, but other times it matters to me.
I suppose it wouldn’t be a big deal if everyone just called me ‘them’ all the time.
Do you think I should stick with that? Would that make it easier on other people? ”
Kaine shrugged. “That question makes my head hurt. Who knows what’s easier for other people? Who cares? Just do what you want. If you want to be ‘he’ tonight, then be ‘he.’”
I chimed in. “I agree. ‘It wouldn’t be a big deal’ doesn’t make it sound like you want that. You should do what you want. I admire that about you.”
“I find it admirable, too.” Kaine smiled. “You’re living your life freely. You had no problems at all telling me as soon as we met. But I never would have told you if you hadn’t said something first.” He looked away. “You’re a lot more honest than me.”
Ysabel cleared her throat. “Love, don’t be hard on yourself.
You haven’t had the luxury of being honest because you lived a fair bit of your life surrounded by people who wouldn’t let you.
In the early days, a large portion of your army wouldn’t have followed you over something as stupid as what was inside your pants.
Even now, a lot of your followers would find it hard to accept.
When you’re surrounded by hostile neighboring kingdoms, you don’t have the luxury of not caring about a potential internal rebellion. ”
Ari nodded. “That’s very true. I’m lucky in many ways.
I was born noble. I was born to a pair of very understanding parents, who let me dress and act however I pleased growing up, and who had the power to stop anyone who mocked me or looked down on me.
My life would have been very different if I hadn’t been born lucky, and I know it.
I would never look down on you for facing different choices than I did. ”
Kaine sniffled. “That means a lot to me.” He brushed a tear from his eye. Ysabel put a hand on top of his and squeezed. He immediately flung his arms around her and hugged her.
“It goes without saying, but everything you tell me in this room, I will keep in strict confidence,” Ari said.
“Right, I should have asked you to keep it secret before I opened my mouth.” Kaine shrugged.
“I’ve never much cared about the opinions of people I don’t care about, but I’m too busy rebuilding Conollia to deal with even more fights.
If people found out that it’s possible to steal my powers by overcoming my will, they’d know I could be replaced, then—”
Ysabel clamped a hand over Kaine’s mouth. “Stop talking.”
“Everything in this room is a secret,” he protested, muffled.
“That doesn’t mean you can blurt out anything!” She put the former dark lord into a headlock.
The price of Kaine’s gift related to overcoming his will? This was highly confidential information. No wonder my sister had turned red from fury. I would do everything in my power to forget about this just in case I ever met a mind reader.
Politely pretending he hadn’t heard an international secret, Ari asked, “Is it my turn to ask you a question, Bora?”
I flushed under his stare. “Oh! Sure!”
“Do you prefer me as Ari or Araceli?”
I nearly said that I liked both equally. But something in Ari’s wistful gaze told me that this question was very important to him. I shouldn’t take it lightly or toss off a kind but insincere answer. So I took a moment to think deeply.
And the conclusion I came to was that I liked both equally. “Honestly, I can’t imagine you without both sides to yourself. They’re both you. I like how you switch between them. I can’t possibly pick one I like more than the other, because you’re always still you.”
“Oh,” Ari breathed. Very slowly, he reached across the table to cup my chin. It felt like we were the only two people in the room.
Except, of course, we weren’t. Kaine slammed his hands down on the table, rattling the dishes.
“Oops, I forgot! I was supposed to threaten you because Bora likes you. You seem like a great guy, so it’s probably not necessary, but don’t ever hurt her on purpose.
If you hit her, you’re dead. Good talk.” He grinned contentedly and reached for a drumstick.
If my face got any hotter, I’d be able to fry an egg on it. “Yzzy …” I growled.
Ysabel chuckled. “Don’t look at me. It was entirely his idea.
I couldn’t talk him out of it if I tried, though I admit I didn’t.
My baby sister deserves a few proper older-sibling threats.
Ari, you should be more afraid of me than you are of Kaine.
He’d only kill you. I’d make you suffer and rot before you died. ”
“You’re embarrassing me,” I groaned, hiding my face in my hands. I didn’t dare look at Ari. I might die. One more word from my sister and I was about to scream so loud, my pronouns would be ban/shee.
Ari frowned. “You’re wrong. Bora likes someone else, not me.”
I did? I ventured to peek between my fingers. Ari’s downcast eyes looked sad. Sweet Sun God. I hadn’t thought he would ever … toward me … I mean, I’d wondered when he’d asked, but I had told myself not to get my hopes up.
Head in her hand, Ysabel smirked. “I won’t upset my little sis by sticking my nose in further. But as one last free piece of advice: Look at her face.”
Ari turned his neck. Our eyes met. He turned so red that his freckles vanished.
While we were both sputtering, Ysabel said cheerfully, “You should serve yourself before Kaine eats everything.”
The rest of dinner passed in a less dramatic way.
Kaine and Ari exchanged stories. I filled Ysabel in on what had been happening at home, telling her that Benoni hadn’t dealt with any bullying lately and had made a few friends.
I was avoiding talking directly to Ari, and I knew it. My heart couldn’t stop hammering.
Ysabel raised a hand to touch her forehead. “No dessert for me tonight. Please enjoy yourselves without me.”
Kaine was on his feet in a heartbeat. “You’re not feeling well?”
“Just a headache,” she mumbled. “My back hurts, too. No more than the usual pregnancy symptoms. I’m fine.”
Kaine put an arm around her shoulders. “I’ll take you back to our room. Then I’ll give you a massage.”
“Thank you. You’re so good to me.” Ysabel’s eyes welled up. She raised a hand to cover her face. “Don’t worry, I’m not upset. I’ve been crying easily ever since I became pregnant. Kaine keeps threatening everyone.” She laughed through her tears.
“You should rest.” I made a mental note to find some herbal headache tea for her. I had a particular blend that I liked.
Kaine lifted Ysabel up into his arms in a bridal carry.
“I can walk,” she grumbled, but she didn’t sound like she meant it.
“And I can carry you.” He kissed the top of her head and swept her out of the room.
“My, how romantic,” I said, pressing my hand to my heart.
“Would you like a massage, too?” Ari was looking at me again in that way that gave me butterflies.
I swallowed. “I don’t need you to take care of me, and my back doesn’t hurt.”
“What if I want to anyway?”
I couldn’t imagine saying no to that, even though I was terrified I’d somehow screw this up. “Y-yes?” It came out as a high-pitched squeak.
Smiling, Ari offered me his hand. My heart hammered a mile a minute the entire walk to my bedroom.
In my room, I lay down on my stomach. Ari placed his hands on my shoulders and massaged.
I hadn’t realized how much tension had been there until he started to release it.
I sighed. Normally I wasn’t fond of being touched, but I told myself that it wasn’t my body anyway.
That gave me enough distance to lean back and let the sensation wash over me.
I could feel my insecurities melting away.
By the third circle, I was leaning into the rocking of his hands.
“Is that the right amount of pressure?” Ari asked.
I sighed. “A little harder, please.”
Ari followed the lines of tension down my back, circling my spine. As he bent over, far closer than a professional masseuse, I felt his body heat against my back. Tingles swirled in my belly.
Ari’s breath tickled my neck. Slowly, he leaned in. With agonizing gentleness, he turned my chin and lowered his head down to the pillow, our gazes locking. Our faces were so close I could taste his breath. Then he kissed me.