Chapter Forty
Promptly at ten o’clock the following morning, Gilbert presented himself at his father’s bookroom, his heart thudding in his chest. He had been so anxious for this meeting—had dreaded it for so long—that he found he had no appetite that morning and had gone for a long walk rather than join his father and brother at the breakfast table.
He knocked, and, hearing Evan’s call to come in, entered the cozy room with its dark furniture, many bookshelves, and the familiar portrait of his mother over the mantel.
Gilbert took a seat across from his father, gripping his hands tightly in his lap.
The moment he had been avoiding since returning from Oxford those few months ago was at hand.
He looked at his father, who was smiling warmly at him.
“Well, my son—at last you have returned from your well-deserved time in town. Dorothea tells me that you were very popular among the ton—indeed, I was somewhat surprised to learn that you very nearly became engaged. Of course, that would have been foolish, indeed, unless, of course, she was a wealthy heiress?” Evan laughed heartily.
“Then again, perhaps your sister is merely exaggerating.”
“Oh, yes, well—I did become quite fond of one or two young ladies during my time in town, Father, but, no, I did not manage to find a rich heiress who wished to become my wife,” Gilbert said, surprised at the sting of pain that hit him as he spoke his words.
He still felt anger over how Miss Wells had used him, but confessing that foolish enterprise to his father was the last thing Gilbert wished to do just now.
There was a pause, as Evan continued to look at his son, as if waiting to hear more about Gilbert’s time in town, but when Gilbert said nothing, Evan cleared his throat and spoke.
“As you know, son, it has long been expected that you would enter the church upon completion of your education—indeed, that was your stated goal when you went off to Oxford, since you claimed no desire to enter the military. While we were all happy to postpone your duties and give you a short time to enjoy the pleasures of the Season with your University friend, it really has become most pressing for you to take some of the burden off of your brother-in-law. Frederick has his hands full with two parishes, and you must step in to assist. So, now that you are returned, you must write to your professors for their recommendations to present to the bishop. Then, you must set up your examination by the bishop, and within a very short time you will be able to take your orders and get to work.”
Gilbert just sat, staring at his feet, silent and morose. After a moment, he heard his father say, “Well? Why do you not say anything? Or, do you have the letters in hand? Did you already write to your professors?”
“I… I fear there would be little use in that, Father,” Gilbert said in a low voice.
“I do not have the pleasure of understanding you. What is your meaning, Gilbert—why would it be of no use?”
Gilbert released a long, shuddering breath and said, “Because I did not complete my examinations. I failed to take any of my final exams and, therefore, I did not, in fact, obtain my degree.”
“Did I hear you correctly? You came home before completing your studies?”
Gilbert nodded, his face showing his misery.
“I know I should have told you all this when I first returned, Father, I am so very sorry to have kept it from everyone. I just… I was so very bored with my studies and could not muster the enthusiasm for attending many lectures. I knew that taking my examinations would result in only failure for most of my classes. So, I packed my bags and came home.”
Evan drummed his fingers on the top of his mahogany desk for a long time.
Finally, he said, “I hardly know what to say. I am extremely disappointed in you, Gilbert, not only because you failed to complete your studies, but because you hid all this from me and went off to enjoy the Season in London. You led us all to believe you would return and become Frederick’s curate. ”
“My behavior was unforgivable, I know, Father,” Gilbert said softly.
“Well, perhaps you can write to your professors and ask them to allow you to take the exams in the fall. That will delay your helping Frederick by a considerable amount of time, but it will also give you the rest of the summer to study to ensure you will pass your exams. If all goes well, you might still take your orders by October.”
“The point of the matter is… I do not wish to take orders, Father,” Gilbert said.
“What? Are you quite out of your senses?” Evan’s voice began to rise and his tone became angry.
“Do you have any idea of how lucky you are to even have a curate opening waiting for you? The income is not large, but you would continue to live at Clayton House until you obtained your own living somewhere. It would have been a very satisfactory life. Let me assure you, there are dozens, if not hundreds, of newly ordained curates who would be beyond grateful for the position being held open for you!”
“Let them take it, then,” Gilbert said fiercely.
“The closer I came to graduating, the more I realized I had no desire to become a rector. Making sermons, visiting the sick, baptizing babies—it all seemed so… dull and unsatisfactory. I truly believe I would be wretched at it, Father, and quite miserable if I attempted it.”
Evan slammed his hands on the desk, abruptly stood, and paced the room a moment. He turned to his son, his face harsh. “Then what do you expect to do? You cannot be idle all your life.”
“I might help here. One day, when it all falls to Miles, I could be of use to him.”
“Miles is learning how to manage the estate from me and, I pray, he will have many more years to become familiar with it before having to take over completely.”
“Of course, Father,” Gilbert stammered, “I did not mean to imply—”
“It is not for a second son to help the eldest,” Evan continued, “but for him to go into the military or the church and make his own way in life. You know all this. It has been the stated expectation since you were a child.”
“I know. But it is so unfair, Father—I would be every bit as good at managing Clayton House as Miles. It is only because of my unlucky fate as a second son that I, not Miles, face a life of dreary work and living in a pokey old parsonage somewhere instead of a grand house such as I grew up in.”
Evan turned a hard face to Gilbert. “It is your fate, however, and we have all tried to prepare you for it. Now, I find you have completely abrogated your responsibilities and have no plan whatsoever for your future.”
“I might study law?” Gilbert asked hopefully. “I believe it would interest me more than sermon making.”
“Do you expect me to finance this new plan? I might be willing, if I thought you were sincere in your approach. However, at this point, I fear you may spend another few years at school only to abandon the idea of law and return home having once again wasted your time and my money.” He returned to his desk and sat, heavily.
“Leave me now. I must consider this unfortunate news you have shared with me.”
“Yes, Father,” Gilbert replied, miserably. He rose to leave, but his father called him back.
“Go to your sister, Charlotte, at once, and inform her of this development. She and Frederick have a right to know they cannot depend upon you, and I shall not be the one to inform them.”
Gilbert halted, head lowered. “Yes, sir,” he mumbled, and left the room.
“So, you do not have your degree?” Charlotte asked after hearing Gilbert’s long confession. The two sat side by side on the sofa as he poured his heart out to her.
“I do not.”
“And you have no wish to take the curate position Frederick has held open for you all this time. Or, indeed, to one day become a rector.”
“I would not make a good rector, Charlotte, of that I am certain.”
“Well. This is a remarkable turn of events, Gilbert. You must be aware of how great a disappointment this is, not just to Frederick and me, but to the entire family.”
Gilbert lowered his head to his knees, choking out, “I am, Charlotte. I have been most selfish and deceitful. I do not deserve anyone’s forgiveness.
” He broke down and wept a short time, before he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.
He turned to embrace his sister, saying over and over, “I am sorry.”
It was some time before Gilbert composed himself and sat, staring at his shoes, unable to speak. Charlotte went to ring for tea and then returned to sit beside him, taking his hand in hers.
“I can see how miserable this has made you, Gilbert, to keep all this from your loved ones.”
“You are too generous, Lottie,” he said, using her childhood nickname.
“I believe most will rightfully see me as a vile creature who lied to you all and went off to London to enjoy myself, while you all believed the best of me. I do not deserve your forgiveness or understanding. I have rarely seen our father so angry, even as I know he has every right to be.”
“I know it can be hard to face our father at times. He loves us all, but his standards are high. Be assured, he will forgive you in time, once you tell him what it is you wish to do in life.” She paused while the maid brought in the tea and served.
After a few sips, she broached the topic gently.
“Have you any idea of what you would like to do, since sermon-making seems so unpalatable to you?”
Gilbert shook his head. “No. Well, in truth, I devised a plan when I arrived in town. I met a young lady who was not only beautiful, sweet, and amiable, but was also an heiress with a dowry worth many thousand pounds. Had she reciprocated my feelings, we might have married and we could have bought a small estate and I should have been able to live a true gentleman’s life. ”
“She did not reciprocate, however?”