Chapter 7
7
‘So you really don’t think it’s going to be the challenge of your career finding a match for us?’ Aidan felt as though he’d been holding his breath throughout the entire appointment at the fertility clinic, but neither the matching coordinator, nor the counsellor that he and Jase had been sitting with for the last hour, had seemed fazed by anything they had to say.
‘If I’m honest, I think you’ll be one of our easiest matches.’ Annabel, who headed up the team matching surrogates with intended parents, shot Aidan an encouraging smile. ‘Lots of our ladies are keen to help same-sex couples become parents, and you guys are a dream in terms of your backgrounds too. What child wouldn’t flourish in a household where one parent is a medical professional, and the other a headteacher of a primary school? Not to mention the fact that you’re great fun, and I’m sure you’ll hit it off with any potential matches you’re introduced to.’
‘I just won’t mention the fact that everyone in Jase’s family had to have braces for what looked like their entire teens. Or that even the women on my side have monobrows like Neanderthals if they’re left to their own devices.’ Aidan had been determined not to make any stupid comments, but the exasperated look he’d just got from his husband was enough to tell him he’d failed. Luckily, Annabel seemed to find it funny.
‘Well, thankfully, if those things are genetic, only one half of them can be inherited.’ She looked down at the sheet in front of her for a moment. ‘I know that last time we all met, you still weren’t sure about which one of you would be the biological father. But I wondered if you’d had any more thoughts about that?’
‘We don’t have strong feelings either way, do we?’ Jase looked towards Aidan, and he forced himself to nod. The truth was he had much stronger feelings about it than he’d been able to admit to his husband, and maybe even to himself.
‘It’s definitely something you need to make a decision about.’ Tim, the counsellor, leant forward in his chair. ‘We talked about this before, I know, and you’ll both be parents in every meaningful sense of the word but deciding who will provide half of your child’s DNA is still a big decision. Now that you’ve chosen your egg donor, and you clearly feel it’s right for you to use a donor you know, this is the last big piece of the puzzle. Particularly as Annabel feels so confident about finding you a surrogate quite quickly. Some people opt to mix sperm from both fathers and leave it to chance. But if you don’t want to do that, you need to be certain you’re 100 per cent on board with whatever choice you make.’
‘I know.’ Aidan avoided looking in Jase’s direction as he spoke. Over the years, his husband had learnt to read him far too well, and the challenges Jase faced with his hearing meant he seemed able to pick up on every little nuance of body language too. But he didn’t want to be honest about what he really wanted – for the first time – in front of people who could call a halt to their plans to have a baby, just by putting a simple cross in a box next to their names. This was a conversation they needed to have on their own. ‘I think, like you say, we’ve just been so fixed on us both being the baby’s parents, in a completely equal sense, that figuring out the mechanics didn’t really seem important. But you’re right, we do need to make a decision.’
‘You really do. Then we can set up a meeting with…’ Tim hesitated for a moment, flicking back a page on the notes he’d been taking. ‘Isla. Just to make sure you really are all coming from the same place, in terms of any relationship she might have with the child in the future. But we can’t do that until you two have made your decision.’
‘We’ll get it done in the next couple of days, and then we can go ahead and set up the meeting with Isla.’ Jase made it all sound so easy, but Aidan had no idea how he was going to take the news when he told him that there was only one person he could imagine the biological father of their child being.
Jase looked at Aidan as they pulled into the driveway. ‘You definitely want to do this, then? You don’t think it’s bad luck to start telling people before there’s anything to tell?’
‘There’s everything to tell.’ Aidan reached across and clasped his husband’s hand. The feeling had been bubbling up inside him ever since Isla had offered to be their egg donor. When they’d first talked about becoming parents, the barriers had seemed insurmountable, but that had changed with those seven little words: I’d love to do it for you. From that moment the prospect was immediately more real, almost as if Aidan could feel the weight of the baby in his arms. For a long time he hadn’t dared believe it would happen, and there’d been so many questions he wanted to ask, but nobody he could ask them of, not even at the infertility support group. So few people were in the situation he and Jase were, and it was why he wanted to create a record of their journey that might help someone else. ‘Even if we aren’t lucky enough to become parents this way, although I really think we will be, I want people to know it’s an option, and that you don’t have to be hugely wealthy to use a surrogate. There must be other people out there like us, who are desperate to become parents, and who’d love an honest account of the highs and lows of it all. I did find a couple of blogs, but there’s scope for so much more, and I really want to share our journey with anyone who’s looking for the kind of answers we couldn’t find. But I won’t do it unless you’re happy with it, and I’m certainly not going to do it until we’ve broken the news to your family.’
‘Of course I’m happy for you to do it if it helps someone else. But what about your family?’ Jase reached up, putting a hand on his cheek, and Aidan swallowed against the lump that formed in his throat every time he thought about his family.
‘I’ll tell Mammy, and she’ll tell the rest of them no doubt. But you know what my father’s like. He barely acknowledges our existence, so I can’t see him breaking open the champagne at the news we’re trying for a baby.’
‘Oh sweetheart, I wish he could see what an amazing son he’s got.’
‘And I wish he could see how happy you’ve made me.’ Aidan closed the gap between them, pressing his lips against Jase’s, before pulling away again. ‘He doesn’t want to see that, because then he’d have to admit that there’s nothing wrong with me having a husband. But it’s more than that, being married to you is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.’
‘You know I feel the same about you, don’t you?’ Jase’s eyes didn’t leave his face, as Aidan nodded. ‘But right now I need you to be strong, because when we break the news to my mother that her second grandchild might finally be arriving, after a wait of more than twenty-seven years, we’re going to get the kind of hugs that could fracture a rib.’
‘It’s a good job you’re married to a nurse, then.’
‘I got all the good fortune I could ever have hoped for when I married you.’ Jase took hold of Aidan’s hand again. ‘And whatever happens with the baby, I’ll never forget just how lucky that makes me.’
Family dinner night was a must-attend event at Jase’s parents’ house every Wednesday evening. If Aidan was on lates, or working nights, Lin, Jase’s mum, would package up the meal with every little detail the same as if he’d been there. On the last dinner he hadn’t been able to get to, she’d put a little jug of apple sauce alongside the roast pork dinner, a pot of cream to go with the crumble, and even two after-dinner mints, so he didn’t have to miss out on those either.
Lin, and Jase’s father, Ray, had welcomed Aidan into their family as if he’d always been there. It was the same with Jase’s sister, Natasha – who everyone called Tash. They were just the sort of family who used shortened names as a sign of affection and acceptance. They were also the only people who called Aidan, Aid. But what made him smile the most, was their insistence on calling Tash’s husband Tone, even though Aidan was sure everyone else called him Anthony. His wife and stepson certainly did. He was a really nice guy, but quite serious and strait-laced, which made Anthony feel like a better fit. Not with the Taylors, though. Everyone got a diminutive form of their name, and their only grandson Reuben was always called Rube by his grandparents.
Reuben had already been in his late teens by the time Aidan met him, which would have been a difficult enough age to introduce a new family member. But that same year, Reuben had lost his father, Ricky, as a result of liver cirrhosis. It could have made Reuben bitter, and less than welcoming of his uncle’s new boyfriend, but instead it had bonded him to both of them, and it had helped Aidan and Jase’s relationship progress faster than it might have done otherwise, too. They’d done their best to be there for Reuben, and Aidan didn’t carry any baggage about the man who’d left Tash to raise a baby by herself when she was just twenty-one. Ricky had come good in the end and his relationship with Reuben had really started to develop in the months before his death. But it had taken him the best part of five years to get involved in his son’s life in any way at all, and for more than ten years after that he’d been unreliable and often absent. All of that had understandably coloured the way Lin and Ray viewed him. When Reuben had started to put him on a pedestal after his death, and hold him up like some kind of paragon of perfection, it had caused some tension. Aidan and Jase had been able to help defuse it. They’d been there for Reuben when he’d wanted to talk about how great his father was, without feeling the need to offer a counter argument, or even hint at one. Now, almost ten years later, Reuben had grown into an incredible young man, with a far more balanced view of his late father, and the world as a whole. He was a huge part of the reason why Aidan and Jase wanted to become parents.
‘Here they are, my handsome boys!’ Lin hadn’t even heard their news, but the hug she enveloped them in, the moment they came into the house, was already almost as powerful as the Heimlich manoeuvre. In her go-to style, Lin was wearing a sequin encrusted top, and a cloud of Opium perfume that had apparently been her signature scent since the 1980s. Even though he choked on it every time, after ten years, it smelt like home to Aidan now.
‘Give them some space to breathe, woman.’ Ray’s chastisement of his wife was always playful, and she poked her tongue out at him in response.
‘You just want me out of the way, so you can take them down and show them the new addition to your shed.’
‘It’s not a shed, it’s a man cave.’ Ray raised his eyes to the ceiling. ‘Women, eh? Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Although, in your case, you got it spot-on and got yourself a fella who understands exactly where you’re coming from.’
‘That shed’s just a place for you to hide out when I want a hand with the washing up.’ Lin’s attempts to berate her husband were ruined by the fact that she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. The two of them bickered all the time, but it was always in a playful way, and Aidan had never once doubted his in-laws’ love for one another, or for anyone else lucky enough to be a part of their family.
‘We’ll have a look at the new addition to your sh… man cave , later, Dad.’ Jase clapped his father on the shoulder. ‘But we’ve got something we want to tell you first.’
‘Oh God, you’re not ill are you? Or Aid?’ Lin turned towards them, an anxious expression replacing her smile.
‘No, it’s nothing like that, it’s good news.’ Jase reached out and touched Aidan’s hand, an understanding passing between them that even the chance of becoming parents was something to be celebrated. ‘Is Tash here yet?’
‘Yes, she’s in the conservatory with Tone, and even Rube was on time for once. I keep telling him he’s working too hard, but will he listen to a word I say? Of course not!’ Lin was fussing like an old mother hen, but she was never happier than when her family were around her. When Aidan was Reuben’s age, he’d probably been dreaming of winning the lottery. But at thirty- eight, this was his dream now. He wanted to fuss around his own children one day, when they came home for family dinner night, to welcome them through the door as if nothing could bring him greater joy than seeing them. He even wanted to worry, the way Lin did, about all the things that might go wrong, because having a family who were safe and well meant more than anything else ever could.
‘It’s the uncs!’ Reuben shot up from his chair as soon as he spotted them, giving them each a hug in turn. ‘You’ve got to save me from Mum and Anthony trying to press-gang me into joining them on a canal boat holiday.’
‘But you always loved Rosie and Jim when you were little.’ Reuben’s mother made it sound as if commemorating his favourite childhood TV show, by going on a canal boat holiday in his twenties, was the most natural thing in the world. But her son was pulling a face that articulated exactly what he thought of the idea.
‘I love you both, honestly, but I might not by the end of a week confined with you in a tiny wooden boat. In fact, there’s a good chance I might have been arrested for drowning at least one of you.’
‘Your mother’s just worried that if you don’t come away with us, you won’t take a holiday again this year.’ Anthony had a gentle lilt to his voice, which made the request sound all the more reasonable. ‘We’re very proud of how hard you’ve been working to grow the business, but you need to have a proper break every now and then.’
‘I’ll go on holiday with the uncs instead.’ Reuben gave Aidan a beseeching look. ‘You’ll take me somewhere, won’t you? Anywhere, as long as it doesn’t include confined spaces, or sharing a bathroom Stuart Little would find a bit on the snug side.’
‘If we decide to go away, you’re more than welcome to come with us, but our holiday plans are on hold for a bit.’ Aidan turned towards Jase. ‘And we wanted to tell you all why.’
‘We’re trying for a baby.’ Jase had barely got the words out before Lin shrieked with excitement, and a flurry of questions seemed to come from every corner of the room. Even Anthony, who’d always said how grateful he was to have become Reuben’s stepfather when he was ten years old, rather than ten months, seemed thrilled about the prospect of getting a niece or nephew.
‘I couldn’t be more pleased for you.’ Tash clapped her hands together when they’d finished outlining the process, and the progress they’d made so far. ‘I just wish you’d done it ten years earlier, then Mum could have stopped nagging me for another grandchild before I started the perimenopause, and she finally had to accept that ship had sailed. I was never going to have another one after Rube came out sideways. Anthony wouldn’t have coped with all of that anyway.’
‘Babies are too fragile and all that responsibility is scary.’ Anthony suddenly seemed to realise there was a chance he might be putting them off, not least because his words had earned him an elbow in the ribs from Lin. ‘But you two are going to be brilliant at it. A teacher and a nurse? I’m not sure there could be a better pedigree for parenthood.’
‘And I can’t wait for all that baby stuff again. Having Tash and Rube here when he was tiny was one of the happiest times of my life.’ A sigh of contentment escaped from Lin’s lips, but then she frowned. ‘The trouble was, I was still working full time then, and so was Ray. This time round we can be hands-on and help out as much as you need us to.’
‘I’ll have to get working on a high chair.’ Ray tapped the side of his head. ‘I think I’ve got some wood that would be perfect for the seat.’
‘More excuses to disappear into your shed!’ Lin was beaming, despite her words. ‘I know you said we need to try and keep our excitement reined in until we know for sure that it’s going to happen, but I already know it is. I can feel it in my waters.’
‘That’s what Aidan said, well not the waters bit, just that he knows for certain we’ll get there.’ Jase leant his head against Aidan’s shoulder. ‘And I’m starting to think you’re both right.’
‘Mothers are always right.’ Aidan blew his mother-in-law a kiss, and a twinge of regret twisted in his gut. His mother might be excited if she heard the news, but he couldn’t be certain about it. One thing he did know was that she wouldn’t show it the way Lin had. She’d be too worried about what his father’s reaction would be.
Aidan and Jase’s news had dominated the whole evening, and it felt as though they’d covered every related topic – from baby names to the best way to induce labour – by the time they headed towards the door to leave. It had been the perfect evening, and the enthusiasm from Jase’s family had made it even easier to believe that the arrival of a new addition was just a matter of time. But then Anthony caught hold of Aidan’s elbow, just as they got to the end of the hallway.
‘Sorry, I didn’t want to say this in front of anyone else. In case it was a bit, you know… awkward.’ Anthony shuffled from one foot to the other as he spoke, and a feeling of dread rose up inside Aidan. It was coming; the bucket of cold water that someone was bound to throw over their plans. He just hadn’t expected it to come from Jase’s family. ‘It’s just I know these things – IVF and surrogacy – can be very expensive, and I wanted to say that if money is ever an obstacle, don’t let it be. I’ve never wanted children, but I can’t think of two people who deserve them more, and if I can help financially, it would be an absolute honour to do so.’
That was when the tears Aidan had been fighting all evening, turned into a sob he just couldn’t keep in. This was family, and it didn’t matter that neither he nor Anthony had been born into it. The Taylors were their found family, and any baby who found themselves a part of that too, would be the luckiest child alive.