Chapter 17
17
The house was eerily quiet when Aidan got in. He’d tried to ring Jase, but the call had gone straight to voicemail, and his husband hadn’t replied to the string of texts he’d sent either. He could feel the atmosphere as soon as he walked in; there was a tension in the air that was undoubtedly down to him, and he probably deserved it. He’d missed the first meeting with their potential surrogate Ellen, and Jase’s texts – while Aidan had been in the waiting room with Isla – had become more and more frantic. There was no way Aidan could have left Isla to face the appointment alone, but there was no excuse for him not texting Jase back at the time either. The thing was, he’d known that Jase wouldn’t have put any pressure on him to get to the meeting with Ellen under the circumstances. He’d have explained the situation to her, and she’d no doubt have been happy to delay or reschedule. All of which meant Aidan couldn’t really offer a justification for why he’d ignored all the messages, and if Jase was angry enough to do something drastic, he’d only have himself to blame.
‘Hello?’ The word echoed along the hallway as he called out, and he shivered in response. It was almost as if the entire house was empty, but there was no way Jase would have left and taken everything with him, just because Aidan hadn’t replied to the texts. His car was on the driveway too, so the idea that he might have done something as drastic as walking out was ridiculous. Aidan was still telling himself that as he pushed open the door to the lounge, holding his breath in case the wing-backed armchair that Jase adored, which they’d picked up from an antique fair on a trip to France, was gone. Thank God it was still there, complete with their beloved cats, Babs and Ange, curled up on the seat, neither of whom bothered to open their eyes as Aidan came into the room. There was no sign of Jase, but at least he could breathe again, because he knew for certain his husband wouldn’t have gone without the cats. Deep down he realised he was being ridiculous, even allowing the thought to cross his mind, but sometimes he couldn’t help catastrophising. Having a parent who was incapable of loving Aidan for who he was had caused more damage than he wanted to admit, and given him a fear of abandonment that never fully went away.
Leaving the lounge, he headed out to the sunny kitchen, which they’d loved from the moment they’d bought the house. They’d both been able to picture family life in that room. There was space for a big dining table, where a family could eat together, or the children could do their homework while their dads cooked up a storm. The kitchen overlooked the back garden, which had plenty of room for a sandpit and a swing set, maybe even a treehouse. They’d found the home of their dreams, and from that moment their desire to build a family had grown stronger and stronger. But now Aidan was no longer sure if it was what he wanted, and he had no idea how to tell the man he loved about his doubts.
Jase wasn’t in the kitchen either and Aidan had just taken out his phone to call him, when he spotted him out in the garden. He was digging and, even from thirty feet away, Aidan could tell that it was anger driving the spade into the ground every time it hit the soil. Physical activity was how Jase always coped with things when there was a lot on his mind. He’d trained for a marathon in the run-up to their wedding, when the reaction of Aidan’s family to their upcoming nuptials had left them both feeling hurt. Aidan only wished his coping mechanisms were half as healthy, but the only solace he’d found was working as much overtime as he could, just so he was too tired to think. It was that or hitting the bottle, and that was one stereotype he’d always sworn he wouldn’t perpetuate.
He had no idea if Jase heard him approaching, but either way his husband didn’t look up. ‘Do you want a drink? That looks like thirsty work.’
‘What I want is a husband who keeps the promises he’s made.’ Jase drove the spade into the ground again, with enough force to send a sod of earth flying into the air, but he still didn’t look in Aidan’s direction.
‘I was with Isla, at her consultant’s appointment.’ This time, Jase’s head shot up in response, his eyes full of concern.
‘What did they say? Is she okay?’
‘It’s leukaemia.’
‘Oh my God, she’s not on her own, is she? You should have brought her here.’ The hostility that had been radiating from Jase had completely disappeared, but Aidan had only told him half the story and guilt at using Isla’s diagnosis as a get-out-of-jail-free card was fizzing inside him.
‘We went to the deli for a bit and sat in the garden; she just needed some time to process it all. But after that she looked done in, and she said she just wanted to sleep. I don’t think she’s been getting much lately.’
‘That poor kid.’ It was obvious Jase wasn’t thinking about himself in any of this, and another stab of guilt twisted Aidan’s insides. ‘What did they say about treatment? The thought of chemo must be terrifying.’
‘The type of leukaemia she’s got is chronic, rather than acute. It progresses more slowly and can often be managed in a way that could give her the same life expectancy as anyone else. It means the first-line treatments are far less aggressive than chemo, but they won’t cure it. That will mean living with the illness, and the risk of it one day progressing, for the rest of her life. After what happened with her dad, that’s understandably something she’s struggling to get her head around.’
‘I don’t even know what to think about whether that counts as good news or not, so God knows how Isla is coping with it.’ Jase ran a hand through his hair. ‘I mean it’s positive that it’s not aggressive, but facing the fact that it will always be there must be overwhelming. I just wish you’d told me you were going with her. I’d never have kept messaging you, and I could have told Ellen that now wasn’t the right time to meet.’
‘Did you go on your own?’ If someone had held a gun to Aidan’s head and asked him what he wanted Jase’s answer to be, he still wasn’t sure he could have told them.
‘Yes.’
‘And have I blown it for us?’
‘Do you want to have?’ Jase held his gaze, and Aidan had no idea how to answer that question either, but he didn’t need to and his husband’s eyes had filled with tears. ‘You don’t want to do this any more, do you?’
‘I don’t know.’ His uncertainty was the first thing he’d been sure of in days, but watching Jase wipe away tears with the back of his hand made Aidan feel like the worst person in the world.
‘Is it because of Isla? Because you can’t imagine doing this without her as our egg donor?’ Tears were streaming down Jase’s face now, and it would have been so easy for Aidan to tell his husband that was the reason. But using Isla like that would have been even more unforgiveable, and he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he didn’t tell Jase the truth.
‘She still wants to be our donor, and according to the consultant there’s no risk of passing anything on to the baby. But I told her not to even think about that right now.’ He was delaying, playing for time, but he couldn’t keep doing it. ‘The truth is, I don’t know any more. What if I’m like my father?’
‘You’re nothing like him.’ Jase made a move towards Aidan, but he took a step back. He had to get the words out and say everything that needed to be said.
‘Even if I’m not, what if my relationship with him means I don’t know what a healthy relationship between a father and child should look like? I don’t want to ruin our baby’s life and make them feel the way I have.’
‘Aidan Kennedy, I’ve heard you talk your fair share of utter bollocks in my time, but this is something else.’ Jase was too quick for him this time, and he wrapped his arms around Aidan’s waist before he could get away. ‘Rube adored you from the moment you came into his life, because you knew how to listen to him – really listen – when none of the rest of us did. You understood when his feelings about his dad got conflicted, and you were able to put yourself in his shoes precisely because of what you’ve been through. All I’ll be any good for with our kid, is if life all goes swimmingly. Okay, I had the challenges with my hearing and got a bit of bullying at school, but I’ve had such an easy ride, being loved and supported by Mum and Dad like I was the best thing since sliced bread. And then to top it all, I found someone like you. No one is supposed to get that lucky in life, and the chances are that our kid will one day come up against stuff that’s tougher than anything I’ve been through. They’ll need to talk to someone who’s had to be resilient and still been able to care for others, even when I know there were times when it felt like no one really cared about you. That’s something you can offer our child. You’ve done it for Isla today, even though you’ve obviously been wrestling with how to talk to me about this. But I bet if you asked Isla, she’d have had no idea you had your own stuff going on too.’
‘My stuff is nothing compared to hers,’ Aidan tried to protest, but Jase held him even more tightly.
‘Yes, it’s different to what’s going on with Isla, but every child deserves unconditional love. And there’s no point pretending it doesn’t hurt like hell when you don’t get it. But you’ve got it now. There are times when you drive me mad. Today’s been a case in point.’ Jase put a hand under his chin. ‘But I honestly don’t believe there’s anything you could do that would stop me loving you. If you ever cheat on me, I’ll hate your guts, and if I get the chance, I’ll chop your balls off and have them made into earmuffs, but deep down I won’t be able to stop myself from loving you.’
‘ Earmuffs ?’ Aidan was laughing now, and crying too, as his husband pulled him closer still.
‘In a minute I’m going to kiss you, just to shut you up.’ Jase grinned. ‘But before I do, I need to tell you something. Ellen was great. I used a little white lie that an emergency had come up for you at work and she was so understanding. She really wants to help us, and I’m pretty damn sure she’s the right person to do it. You must know there’s no one else in the world I’d want to do parenthood with, but I’m not going to force you into anything either. All I need you to do is nod if you want me to set up a second meeting with Ellen.’
Aidan looked at his husband, and before he even realised he was doing it, he started to nod. Standing in front of him was his person, the one he wanted to share everything with. And if Jase believed in him, half as much as he said he did, that was enough to convince Aidan he was right, because there was no one in the world he trusted more.
‘I need a glow up.’ Wendy plonked herself down on the seat next to Aidan and Jase, in Danni and Charlie’s back garden. ‘And I feel like you two are just the guys to help me.’
‘I think she thinks I’m Gok Wan and you’re Tan France.’ Jase looked at Aidan and winked.
‘Or she thinks we’re Trinny and Susannah. And with my inability to stick to the pre-baby diet, I’m certainly in danger of getting the boobs.’ Aidan laughed, but turning towards Wendy, he could see she was deadly serious. ‘What’s up, my darling? You don’t look like your usual self at all.’
‘I feel like a bag lady. Look at me, I tried to make an effort, but I just look a state.’ Wendy pulled at the ‘cold shoulder’ top she was wearing, which had sleeves with cut out sections. It was the kind of thing Aidan’s mother had always seemed to favour on what she described as ‘fancy occasions’, for reasons he’d never quite been able to fathom, because they did nothing for her, but he wasn’t about to confess to Wendy how much he disliked what she was wearing.
‘You always look grand. You’ve got the biggest smile and?—’
‘That’s exactly the sort of thing people say to someone whose got nothing else going for them.’ Wendy sighed. ‘I don’t want to have the biggest smile. I want to have a banging figure and look ten years younger than I am. I want everyone to say Gary’s punching above his weight, instead of wondering what he’s doing with an old frump like me.’
‘Right, what’s going on?’ Aidan put down his drink, signalling he meant business. ‘Gary’s over there at the barbecue with Charlie and Joe, laughing his head off and looking very much as though he feels like the luckiest fella in the world. And from what he’s said ever since the two of you got together, I know that’s true.’
‘He told me he’s happier than he’s even been.’ Jase leant forward in his chair. ‘So whatever it is you’re concerned about, you definitely don’t need to worry about Gary not realising that all his Christmases have come at once.’
‘It’s just…’ Wendy shook her head. ‘Oh, ignore me, I’m being stupid.’
‘Anyone need another top up?’ Danni suddenly appeared behind Wendy, who thrust out her glass in response.
‘Always.’
‘You three looked like you were plotting a revolution as I walked over.’
‘I was just after some advice on getting a glow up.’ Wendy pulled a face. ‘But I probably need Paul Daniels to pull off a trick like that, and he’s been dead for years.’
‘What a load of rubbish.’ Gwen, who’d been chatting to Esther, on a neighbouring table, swivelled around in her seat, and Esther followed suit. ‘What you need is a lesson in self-confidence. I went through that same thing when I hit fifty, and I wanted to cover up and hide.’
‘ You ?’ Esther nearly choked on her drink, and Aidan had to press his lips together to stop himself from laughing. It was almost impossible to believe that Gwen had ever lacked confidence about anything, but she shot Esther a look that said otherwise.
‘I thought my best days were behind me, but I had no idea how good things could get if I just worked at it.’
‘Is this where you tell me I need to get myself a gym membership, cut out all sugar, and give up alcohol?’ Wendy wrinkled her nose. ‘Because I don’t think I can do that and there’s no point anyway, it’s not like I can turn the clock back. How can I feel anything but past my best, when my ex has got a woman who’s five years older than our eldest daughter pregnant? A woman he met when, for once in his life, he covered for me at a college open evening when our youngest went to look round. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, Gary’s ex-wife is all over social media with her wedding pictures. She’s lost forty pounds since they split, and got lip fillers and veneers. I went out and got myself some hair extensions, because I thought that might be an easy fix for looking and feeling younger. But my daughter said they look cheap and that they make me look, in her words, even older than I am.’
‘Do you like them?’ Gwen narrowed her eyes.
‘I did, until she said that.’
‘What everyone else thinks doesn’t matter. The only person who can make you feel better about yourself is you.’ Gwen stood up and took hold of Wendy’s shoulders. ‘You need to stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself all the things you like about the way you look. I couldn’t even look at my reflection when I first started, and all I saw was stretch marks and dimply bits, and things that swung a hell of a lot lower than they should.’
‘I can’t think of anything I like about the way I look.’ Wendy frowned.
‘Neither could I, so I started with what I was grateful for. This body that I’d complained about, because bits of it were more floppy than perky, had carried my babies. It had also allowed me to work as a midwife for more than three decades at that point, and it had kept me healthy and well, despite the fact I often abused it. Once I started to be grateful for what it had done for me, I could see things I liked about it too. And once I got to that stage, there was no stopping me. One of the most liberating things I ever did was becoming a life model for an art group at the Three Ports College. I had to pose naked, and the first time I was terrified what the results might look like. But when the students were finished and the tutor asked for my opinion on their work, I could finally see my body through someone else’s eyes. I was strong and beautiful, in a perfectly imperfect way. Nothing stopped me after that, and I wouldn’t be doing all the things I’m doing now, if I hadn’t gone through that phase in my life.’
‘I’d rather sand my fingertips off with a cheese grater than pose naked in front of an art class at the Three Ports College, especially as my ex-husband’s girlfriend works there now.’ Wendy laughed for the first time. ‘But I get what you mean.’
‘I think what we need is a St Piran’s night out.’ Aidan looked at Wendy. ‘We could go somewhere really classy, that we all need to dress up for. Don’t get me wrong, I love a barbie as much as anyone, but we need a night out where jeans and a T-shirt just aren’t going to cut it.’
‘What about one of the fundraising balls at The Pavilion? The Friends of St Piran’s had one last year, but they have loads of them.’ Wendy’s face lit up at the thought, and she wasn’t the only one. It had been ages since Aidan and Jase had been on a night out like that. They’d been so caught up in their plans to start a family, and then in Isla’s diagnosis, but they all needed to have some fun. There was nothing Aidan liked better than seeing Jase all dressed up for a big night out. Every time he saw his husband in a tuxedo, he fell in love with him all over again. And if it helped Isla feel as if life was back to normal for a night, too, that would be even better.
‘We’d need twenty for a table at most of the events, I think.’ Esther furrowed her brow. The hospital had a large workforce, but there was a core group of staff who’d become closer, most of whom worked in A it’s such a shame they couldn’t make it tonight, but I suppose some of us had to work.’ Danni set the bottle she’d been carrying down on the table, and put a hand on her bump. ‘I’m happy to be the designated driver and take as many as I can fit in my car, but when we work out the numbers, we could think about hiring a couple of minibuses.’
‘I’ll text Isla later and see what she thinks.’ Aidan had no idea if she’d feel up to having a night out, but she needed the distraction more than anyone, and he was already determined to do whatever he needed to make it a special night for her.
‘The way things are going, this might have to be mine and Charlie’s hen and stag do, even if we have pushed the wedding back for a while.’ Danni smiled. ‘Because the chances of us organising a night out when this little one comes along are pretty slim, especially seeing as all of our potential babysitters would be on the guest list. That’s if anyone even wants to volunteer for babysitting.’
‘You can put our name on the list for a start; we’re up for as many baby cuddles as we can get.’ Jase’s tone was light, but Aidan could see the yearning in his eyes. And suddenly picturing his husband with a baby in his arms held even more appeal than the idea of him in a tuxedo. He was made to be a father, and Aidan wouldn’t let him down again.