Chapter 16
16
Two days after Isla’s extra blood tests, instead of getting her expected results, she’d been asked to go for a lumbar puncture and Aidan had gone with her. Thankfully it hadn’t been painful, but the drip, drip, drip of fear that all these tests could only lead to one outcome meant she was incredibly grateful that someone was there with her. At first it had seemed impossible that something of that magnitude could be going on inside her body without her knowing it. The tiredness and weight loss had seemed such minor symptoms, a side effect of everyday life, and it wasn’t like things had been plain sailing lately. The switch between night shifts and days had definitely become harder, but there was a lot going on with the news about her mother’s DVT, and the shock that Sarah Vardy had been diagnosed with a brain tumour after a recent visit to A it’ll force me to pace myself with this brownie.’ As Aidan got up to leave, Reuben slid into the seat he’d just vacated and looked at Isla.
‘Are you not hungry? I can get you something else if you don’t like brownies.’
‘It’s not that, it’s just… today has been a lot to process.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘I don’t want to bore you.’ The weird thing was, now that she was sitting face to face with Reuben, she’d realised she did want to talk to him about her diagnosis. It was exactly like the first time she’d confided in him, when she’d told herself she wasn’t going to, and the next minute the words had come rushing out. Whatever the reason, she was ready to open up to Reuben for a second time.
‘You could never bore me.’ His fingers traced the outline of the metal work on the table top, moving so close to her hand it was almost as if she could feel him touching her, and then another unexpected thought struck her – she wished he was.
‘I’ve got a form of leukaemia. It’s chronic, which means it’s slow to progress and manageable with treatment, but they probably won’t be able to cure it.’ Isla didn’t miss the look that had crossed Reuben’s face. This was hard to hear, but even harder to say and she had to get it all out. ‘That doesn’t mean I’ll die from it, any sooner than I might die from something else. The consultant said it’s like diabetes in that way. But, if the inhibitors stop working, they’ll have to move on to other treatments, like chemo, and it could be life-threatening if it gets to that stage. I know the news could have been a lot worse, but I’m struggling with the fact that this is something that’s going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I saw what that did to Dad, but in some ways it was even harder watching Mum go through it. I thought for so long that I didn’t want to meet someone, because I didn’t want to risk loving them as much as she loved him, and feeling the way she did if I ever lost them. But now I know that if I do meet someone, they’ll have to accept that possibility from the start, and that’s going to be a lot to take on. The strangest thing is that it’s made me realise I do want to find someone to make that kind of risk worth taking.’
Isla could hardly believe she was being so honest with him, and she’d had to drop her gaze when she’d come to the last part. It sounded as if she was talking about him and, if she was honest, she couldn’t say for certain that she wasn’t. It was too complicated to ever work, but denying the attraction between them would have meant lying to herself, as well as Reuben. She could keep her feelings hidden from him if she didn’t look into his eyes, but she had a feeling they’d be painfully obvious if she did.
‘I can’t imagine what it must be like to love someone with the knowledge that you could lose them, or to be on the receiving end of that kind of love, the intensity of every day really counting, and a desire to make each moment matter. But doesn’t everyone want to be loved like that?’ Reuben’s fingertip grazed the edge of her palm for just a second and every nerve ending in her body seemed to light up. ‘I know that’s what I want, and it’s what I want to feel for someone else too. If love isn’t everything to you, then surely it’s nothing.’
‘I suppose so.’ Pulling her hand away, she dug her fingernails into her palm, trying to feel something other than an almost overpowering attraction to Reuben. Things were complicated enough as it was, and she had no idea whether her plans to help Aidan and Jase had been ruined by her diagnosis. But a fling with their nephew would just muddy the waters even further. And that’s all it would have been, a fling. Someone like Reuben probably had his pick of anyone he wanted to date, and Isla had a horrible feeling she was mistaking sympathy for something else. All she could do was hope that the attraction she was feeling was just her brain’s way of distracting her from her diagnosis, because she really didn’t need such strong feelings for him, or anyone else for that matter. The trouble was, there wasn’t ‘anyone else’ remotely like Reuben, and he was fast becoming the only person she could completely open up to. But crossing the line would almost certainly mess that up and she needed a friend more than ever right now.
‘Thanks for the brownie, but I really don’t think I can face eating anything.’
‘I’ll box it up for you.’ Reuben’s tone was gentle as he stood up, but none of the intensity had left his face. ‘I know you’ve got loads of other friends, but if you need anything, anytime, you’ve got my number.’
‘Thank you.’ Isla repeated the words she’d said to the nurse from The Thornberry Centre, and they were every bit as hollow. She’d wanted to make it clear to Reuben that the last thing she needed right now was any kind of blurred lines between them, but describing himself as her friend had made it crystal clear how he felt too, and for some reason that hurt far more than it should have done.