Chapter 15
15
The very last person Aidan had expected to see on his doorstep was his sister. When the doorbell had rung, he’d assumed it was another of the million or so things Jase seemed to have ordered online over the last few months. They had more supplements to help improve their fertility and general wellbeing than a health food shop, and enough books about parenthood to fill a whole section of Port Kara’s tiny library. Except this wasn’t just another delivery, this was May, who should have been back home in Ireland, juggling life with three kids and a busy job as the office manager of a transport firm. She didn’t have time to hop over to Cornwall on a whim and Aidan’s heart dropped down to his boots at the sight of her. Something terrible must have happened.
‘What is it? Is it Mammy? Or Da?’ As hard as things had been between Aidan and his father, the thought that the conversation they’d had in the pub might be the last thing they ever said to one another made his chest ache. He’d carried a tiny grain of hope in his heart for most of his life, that one day something would happen to make Sean change, and finally accept his son for who he was. If that hope was extinguished for good, he was going to grieve for all the things he’d dreamt their relationship might one day be. And if he’d lost his mother, it would break him in a different way. When he’d walked out of the pub, she’d called his mobile, begging him to come back and try to find it in his heart to understand the things that drove his father’s behaviour. But he’d had enough of making excuses for a bigot. Just because Sean had been brought up to believe something, it didn’t mean he couldn’t question it. He could see for himself how much joy Jase brought into his youngest son’s life, and yet he’d reduced the man Aidan loved to nothing more than a housemate. This time, it wasn’t about Aidan, it was about Jase, and that’s why his resolve to walk away hadn’t wavered, even as his mother had sobbed and told him how much she loved him. He didn’t want that to be their last conversation either, because that would mean he’d lost her, but at least he’d told his mother that he loved her too. He’d never exchanged those words with his father and, regardless of the news May was bringing, he was almost certain now that he never would.
‘It’s not about either of them. It’s you, it’s me, and it’s all the things I should have said and done over the years.’ There were tears streaming down May’s face, as she held her arms out towards him. He still didn’t understand why she was there, but he pulled her towards him all the same. He hugged her in the doorway of his house until her tears finally subsided, and she managed to speak again.
‘I’m sorry, I had this big speech all planned, but when I saw you. I just couldn’t get the words out.’
‘Will you come inside, or we’ll be giving the neighbours far too much to talk about.’ Aidan smiled, despite the lump that was lodged in his throat. The air felt as though it was charged with emotion and he still didn’t really understand why she was there.
‘I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to ask.’ May gave him a gentle nudge in his side, as she must have done hundreds of times before. They had always been the closest as kids. Play fighting and pushing one another into the dyke that had run along the back of their garden, whenever they could catch each other off guard, had all been part of that. But that closeness had drifted away after Aidan had left home, and he’d felt as abandoned by May as he had the rest of his family. He’d buried the hurt of that, because he wasn’t sure he could have carried on functioning if he’d given those feelings air and allowed them to be as raw as they’d been in those first few years.
Aidan put the kettle on, after he’d shown May into the sitting room, which was filled with photographs of Jase’s side of the family. While he was waiting for the kettle to boil, he fired off a quick text to his husband.
You’re never going to believe it, but May has turned up at the house. I’m not sure what’s going on, but she keeps apologising. I’ll be on my way in for the night shift by the time you’re home from work, but I don’t know if she’s got anywhere to stay. Is it okay with you if she stays here, if she needs to? I know it might be awkward, since you hardly know each other, but I can’t just send her away. Love youxxxx
More often than not, Jase seemed to spend his entire working day in meetings, so Aidan had no idea when he’d pick up the message, but by the time he dropped two teabags into mugs, his phone was pinging with a response.
Of course she should stay with us. Oh my God, I can’t believe she’s actually here! I love you so much and whatever she’s come to say, I want you to remember that. Call me when you canxxxx
Sending a single love heart in response, Aidan set down the phone and breathed out. Whatever the reason for May’s visit, and however difficult it might be to hear what she had to say, it would be okay because Jase would be his rock, the way he always was.
In the end, it took half an hour for his sister to tell him all the reasons she was there. May had talked almost non-stop, all the guilt she felt tumbling out as tears streamed down her face and she refused to let him comfort her. She talked about how she should have supported Aidan when he came out, and stood up to their father when he’d spouted his venom about the life Aidan was living, and most of all her regret at not being there when he married Jase. He’d told her that it didn’t matter, but she’d picked up a photograph from the day, of Aidan and Jase, with Tash sandwiched between them, as they each planted a kiss on her cheeks.
‘This is Jase’s sister, isn’t it?’ May’s eyes were glassy as she looked up at him and he nodded. ‘I should have been there, and no excuse I try to make about being busy with the kids will ever allow me to forgive myself for missing the most important day of your life.’
‘Like I said, it doesn’t matter, we’ve got a chance now to forget that and move forward.’ He reached out for her hand, but she shook her head.
‘It does matter! That was the biggest moment of my little brother’s life, and I couldn’t make the effort to be there for you, because I was so bloody worried about disappointing Da.’ May balled her hands into fists. ‘I hate that I can’t undo it, but my God, things are going to change from here on out, I promise you that. And it’s not just me. I’ve never seen Mammy as angry as she was the day you left the pub. She was inconsolable, shouting at Da and telling him she’d leave too if he didn’t stop driving a wedge between you and the family. He expected me to take his side, but I told him I was done being the daughter he wants me to be and that I wish I’d never tried, because there’s nothing I regret more than losing the closeness you and I always had. Niall stood up for you too, asking Da if he wanted what happened to Cian to happen to you. I thought Da was going to hit him, but then he just stormed out.’
‘It means a lot that you all tried so hard, but nothing’s going to change him, May.’ Aidan moved to take her hand again, and this time she let him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt such a mix of emotions in his life. The idea of two of his siblings and his mother, standing up to a man whose word had always been law in their house, filled him with the kind of warmth he hadn’t felt towards his family in years. Yet there was still an aching void, in the place his father’s love and acceptance should have occupied and it was the kind of emptiness that nothing else could ever really fill.
‘Maybe not, but there’s no way I’m going back to how things were before I spoke my mind, and I don’t think there is for any of the rest of the family either. He’s in danger of losing us all if he carries on, and there’s something else I need to say.’ As May held his gaze, the feeling of dread he’d experienced when she’d arrived on his doorstep rose up inside him again. ‘Mammy told me about you and Jase wanting to start a family, and I found your journey to parenthood page online, where you were talking about looking for a surrogate. I want to do it for you, carry the embryo that the two of you create. I know I’m not as young as I was, but I can still carry a baby. I’ve done loads of research, and even grandmothers have carried their grandchildren, when their daughters couldn’t for some reason.’
‘May.’ Leaning forward, he kissed his sister on the cheek, wanting to laugh and cry at the same time. It was too complicated and not an offer he and Jase would ever want to take up, because of the potential for things to go wrong. But an overwhelming rush of affection for May washed over him all the same; she’d clearly meant every word. He didn’t want to burden her with the worry that he and Jase were shouldering since Isla’s screening results, and, she didn’t need to know there might be a good chance that they were back to square one. All they were focusing on for now was making sure their friend had the support she needed, but he could at least help May to understand why they could never take up her offer. ‘Have you talked to Jack about this? And how it’s going to affect him and the kids? Not to mention what Da would say.’
‘I don’t give a shite what Da says, and Jack and the kids will understand. I need to do this for you, to make up for letting you down so badly before.’
‘No you don’t, but I love you so much for offering. We’ve thought about what we want, and we need the surrogate to be someone who’s done this before and knows what they’re getting themselves in to, emotionally and physically. I couldn’t risk putting you through that, I just want you to be the best auntie you can be.’
‘Just try stopping me!’ May pulled her hand away and threw her arms around him. The tears she was crying this time were almost certainly the happy kind, and she wasn’t the only one. Aidan wanted to hold on to the moment forever, and he wasn’t going to let his father spoil it. Sean would never give him the acceptance he craved, no matter how hard the rest of the family tried to convince him that his behaviour was wrong. But Aidan had already been given the moon, so it would have been greedy to ask for the stars too, and he’d got really good over the years at being grateful for all the things he did have. He had no intention of reaching for the stars, or reaching out to his father, ever again. He’d been hurt once too often, and he was finally ready to let go of the last grain of hope that his father would ever accept him for who he was.
‘I can’t believe she was in Cornwall for three hours!’ Jase sounded every bit as incredulous as Aidan had, when May had explained she was flying back to Ireland that evening.
‘I know, and when I asked her what she would have done if I hadn’t been on nights and I’d already been at work when she arrived, she admitted she hadn’t even thought about it.’ Aidan laughed, still barely able to believe that his sister had got on a plane, having booked another one back to Ireland, just hours later, because she had to be home for a concert at her son’s nursery school the next day. Seeing her off had been such a rush and Aidan had been forced to wait until his break at work to call Jase, and explain everything May had told him. ‘She said she just needed to talk to me face to face.’
‘I can understand that, and I’m really glad she did. I’m just sorry I missed her.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, she’s already said she’s coming back with Jack and the kids in the school holidays. Now she’s seen the house, she knows we’ve got three spare rooms!’
‘Two spare rooms and a nursery.’ Aidan could hear the longing in Jase’s voice.
‘Two spare rooms and a nursery.’ He repeated the words, as if putting them out into the universe somehow made it more real. With everything that was going on with Isla, it felt more uncertain than ever in some ways, but they had to keep believing. ‘I wish I could come home now.’
‘Me too, but, as we’re both off tomorrow, I’ll take you out for breakfast in the morning. That’s if you can stay awake.’ It was Jase’s turn to laugh. ‘I know you find the transition from nights much harder now that you’re knocking on a bit, and I’m starting to realise that a fry up is the best way to combat those mood swings.’
‘Have you forgotten you’re older than me? You’re just lucky I can’t resist the offer of a free breakfast, otherwise we might never have ended up together!’ Aidan could imagine the smile on his husband’s face, matching his own; the yearning to be with Jase was every bit as strong as it had been in the early days of their relationship.
‘I’ll see you for breakfast then, I love you.’
‘I love you too.’ As Aidan reluctantly ended the call, the same warm feeling that May’s offer had brought enveloped him again. He was loved for exactly who he was, by the person who meant the most in the world to him, and that made him the luckiest person he knew.