Chapter 14
14
When Reuben had called Aidan to say he was at Isla’s flat, and that she’d had some bad news, he’d been certain it was going to be about her mother or sister. Isla had opened up about how much she missed them, and how her father’s health had made her fear losing another member of her family. Most people were able to push those kinds of thoughts to the back of their minds, but when you’d watched someone slowly die as Isla had, it was much harder to believe that the people you loved were always going to be okay. He’d really felt for her, but he hadn’t really been able to put himself in her place. If his own father were to die, the tragedy was that Aidan didn’t think it would affect his life at all. At least not in a day-to-day way. There were no regular visits or phone calls to miss, no turning to his father for advice or support, and no in-jokes that only the two of them shared. All that would be left behind was regret.
Discovering that Isla’s bad news was about the results of her screening tests had taken Aidan’s breath away, but what had surprised him even more was that his first thought hadn’t been about how that might affect the egg donation. He’d heard the fear in her voice, when Reuben had put her on the phone, and all he’d wanted was to get to her, and to promise her that it was all going to be okay, even though he had no idea if it would be. Her mother was in hospital thousands of miles away, and Isla had sobbed when she’d told him why she couldn’t tell her grandparents that she might be facing a leukaemia diagnosis. But Isla needed family around her more than ever, and Aidan and Jase were going to fill that void. He didn’t even stop to question whether his husband would be prepared to drop everything and rush over to Isla’s flat, because he’d known Jase wouldn’t have been able to imagine doing anything else.
By the time they’d got there, Isla had been apologetic and clearly wishing she hadn’t said anything until she knew for certain that there was something to say.
‘I’m giving you all this worry now, but it could be nothing, couldn’t it?’ There hadn’t been much conviction in Isla’s statement, but Aidan had nodded all the same.
‘It could easily be nothing but, either way, the last thing we want you to worry about is the egg donation. That’s nothing in the big scheme of things.’ He’d caught Jase’s eye for a moment, and an unreadable expression had crossed his husband’s face, but there was no way they could discuss it further in front of Isla. Instead, they’d rallied around her, talking about all the other things her blood test results could mean, and that, even if it was leukaemia, the chances of successful treatment were really high. Isla had sat close to Reuben all night, and the irony of the situation hadn’t been lost on Aidan. The spark between them the first time they’d met, had been obvious, and he’d been certain there was a connection in the messages they’d exchanged in the WhatsApp group. Being the old romantic he was, he hadn’t been able to stop himself from secretly hoping that they might end up together. After all, there’d be no better way of making Isla a part of their family than that. But this wasn’t the kind of closeness he’d wanted them to develop. Isla had admitted that the only reason she’d confided in Reuben was because he wasn’t someone who’d be devastated by the idea that she might have cancer. But Aidan could see on his nephew’s face and hear it in Reuben’s voice that he already cared about Isla. None of them wanted her to have to face something like this, and it had shocked him, when they’d discussed it afterwards, that Jase didn’t seem to think it automatically meant their plans should go on hold.
Two days after they’d been to Isla’s flat, Jase had bounded in, fizzing with excitement about arranging a phone call with their potential surrogate. ‘I’ve set up the call with Ellen, and I said we’d ring at eleven, so make sure you’re ready to be your sparkling best, and you’ve got the list of questions you wanted to ask.’
‘Do you think we should be calling her now? When we don’t know what’s happening with Isla?’ There was no way they could commit to the next phase of the process with all of this going on, but Jase was looking at him with a quizzical expression on his face.
‘I’m as worried about Isla as you are, but you do remember what they said to us at the clinic, don’t you? Finding a surrogate is the biggest key to us having a baby. There are a lot more options for egg donation.’
‘I can’t believe you’re saying that. Is that what Isla is to you? An expendable part of our plan?’ The words caught in Aidan’s throat as he turned to look at his husband, not wanting to believe that the man he loved could even think like that, but Jase was already shaking his head.
‘Of course it isn’t. I’m really fond of Isla, and I know she’s come to mean a lot to you too, but she wouldn’t want us to give up the chance of finding a surrogate. She said so herself, and none of that will stop us being able to support her with whatever she might need.’ Everything Jase was saying was perfectly reasonable, and it was true too, which meant Aidan couldn’t explain the way it made him feel. But he had to try.
‘The thing is, she doesn’t feel she can talk to any of her family about this, and I understand what that’s like. I know how lonely it can be facing something potentially life changing, when you’ve got no one to lean on. You’ve always had people you can turn to. But if Isla needs me, I want to be there for her.’ Aidan had a feeling he wasn’t making any sense, because Jase was right. In theory, there was nothing stopping them from doing both things. Except when Isla had told him there was no one in her family she could confide in, something had clicked inside Aidan’s head. If she was diagnosed with leukaemia, she needed to be someone’s number-one priority, and he wanted that someone to be him. Until he’d met Jase, he’d spent most of his life feeling like he was no one’s priority, and he didn’t want Isla to feel that way for a single moment.
‘This is not going to stop you being there for Isla, I promise. Please , let’s just talk to Ellen on the phone and see how it goes.’
‘Okay, but I’m not just going to go elsewhere for egg donation and act like what Isla offered to do for us was nothing.’ Aidan had a sharp edge to his voice, but Jase reached for his hand.
‘I’d never do that either, and I hope you know that, deep down.’ As Jase’s eyes searched his face, Aidan found himself nodding. His husband was the kindest man he’d ever known, and the last thing he’d want was to do anything to hurt Isla. But there was something Aidan hadn’t told Jase, the doubt that had begun creeping in about starting a family, after their last conversation, when he’d insisted Aidan should be the biological father. If genes played a stronger part than either of them thought, then Aidan could prove just as inadequate as his own father in forming a bond of unconditional love with their child. It was something that had been playing on his mind more and more since his last visit to Ireland. Isla’s health scare might be the main reason why they needed to consider putting their fertility treatment on hold, but it wasn’t the only one.
‘Do you think we should get some of these for when Danni comes back from her appointment?’ Amy gestured towards the balloons in the hospital shop, in pink and blue, with the words it’s a girl , and it’s a boy , emblazoned across the front. ‘We could get one of each, to cover all bases.’
‘Danni’s not the kind of person who needs a metallic balloon to tell the world the baby’s sex. All she’ll care about is that everything’s okay.’ Aidan had barely been able to crack a smile all morning, and he knew he sounded as miserable as he felt. Poor Amy was probably wishing she hadn’t asked him to come for a coffee at the hospital shop, during their break. Danni had been sent for extra scans after experiencing some bleeding, which had now thankfully settled down. But she’d booked a private scan at sixteen weeks, just to help reassure her and Charlie that everything was still okay and because it had felt like too long to wait until the twenty-week scan. They’d been told they could find out the baby’s sex if they wanted to, and the rest of the team seemed every bit as excited as the expectant parents. It was just Aidan putting a dampener on things, and he needed to snap out of it. ‘It’s a lovely thought, though, Ames. But maybe we should just get a couple of boxes of doughnuts delivered, so we can celebrate with her at the end of the shift. She’s developed some scarily intense cravings for sweet stuff.’
‘Me too, but the tragic part is I’m not pregnant. I can barely even remember the last time I went on a date.’ Amy grinned, but suddenly her expression changed. ‘Are you okay? You don’t seem yourself lately. I haven’t upset you banging on about Danni’s scan results, have I? It must be really hard with what you’re going through.’
‘Of course you haven’t upset me. I’m just turning into a miserable old sod before my time.’
‘Not that much before your time!’ Amy grinned again, and for the first time that shift, Aidan laughed. Isla was currently elsewhere in the hospital, having some tests, and he’d offered to go with her when she got the results. She’d seemed much calmer since that first night, and she’d even tried to make him promise that he wouldn’t put off trying for a baby if she wasn’t able to donate her eggs. In the end he’d agreed, without actually saying the words ‘ I promise’ , because he still wasn’t sure it was something he’d be able to do.
The phone call with Ellen had gone as well as it possibly could. She was bubbly and upbeat, but even more importantly she was an experienced surrogate, with a track record of following through on the promises she’d made to the intended parents. Jase had been bouncing around with excitement at the end of the call, and a date had already been made for them to meet Ellen in person. It suddenly felt like a train that was hurtling down the tracks, and Aidan had a feeling he’d be powerless to stop it, even if he wanted to. But the fear that had crept in about his ability to bond with their child, seemed to be getting more powerful. Isla was such a sweet girl, who’d been devoted to her father and had a close and loving bond with her whole family, so the baby having half of her genes had to give it a good chance of being loving and loveable as a result. But without Isla’s influence, there’d be nothing to counter whatever it was in Aidan that made him so unlovable to his own father. Deep down, he knew it was an irrational fear, and that genetics didn’t determine family relationships, but since the trip to Ireland, he couldn’t shake it, and no amount of telling himself he was being ridiculous made any difference. The worst part of all of it, was that Jase had no idea how he felt.
‘I read your latest post on your journey to parenthood page.’ Amy was smiling again, and he managed to nod. He’d only put it up there because Jase had asked him why he’d stopped updating the page, and he’d had some messages from followers asking what was going on. It would have been the perfect opportunity to admit to Jase that he was having doubts, but he hadn’t been able to do it.
‘Me too.’ Gwen had suddenly appeared from behind the counter in the shop. ‘It must be so exciting now you’ve been matched with a surrogate. I told Amy before, that if I was a few decades younger, I’d seriously think about doing it. But these days it’s strictly a one-way street down there.’
‘I think mine must be a dead end with a big road-closed sign.’ Amy pulled a face. ‘Because every man I meet seems to turn around and go in the opposite direction.’
‘Maybe you just need to give the entrance a bit more kerb appeal, if you know what I mean.’ Gwen and Amy both started laughing, and Aidan couldn’t help joining in.
‘What are you suggesting? A couple of hanging baskets, and a welcome sign?’ Amy raised her eyebrows as she looked at Gwen, and Aidan shook his head.
‘I can’t take the mental images; you two have got to stop!’
‘It’s just nice to see you smile.’ Amy gave him a gentle nudge, just as a group of people came into the shop. One of whom was Isla.
‘Everything okay?’ He mouthed the words, but before she could even respond, there was a loud crash as the woman to the right of her, went down, taking a shelf filled with magazines with her. The woman’s body was jerking violently, and it was immediately obvious she was having a seizure.
‘It’s okay, we’re going to look after you.’ Isla had already moved to crouch beside her, checking the woman’s airway, as Gwen ushered the other customers out of the shop. The woman’s limbs were still jerking, her eyes had rolled back and for a moment Aidan didn’t recognise who she was, but Isla did.
‘It’s Sarah Vardy.’ Isla loosened the silky neck scarf that was looped tightly around Sarah’s neck. ‘Do you know if she’s epileptic?’
‘I don’t think so.’ Aidan looked around for something to put under Sarah’s head as her body continued to jerk. ‘Is there anything we can use as a pillow, Gwen?’
‘Take this.’ She took a fleece off the row of hooks behind the counter and passed it to him to place under Sarah’s head. Once she’d stopped convulsing, they could move her into the recovery position, but for now all they could do was try and stop her from hurting herself during the seizure.
‘I’ll go back to A I think your need is greater.’ Gwen handed Wendy another doughnut, and Isla caught Aidan’s eye again, but he looked away even more quickly than she could. She was keeping a huge secret and, even though she was certain she was doing it for the right reasons, it still had the potential to hurt the people she loved when it came out. Aidan must have been thinking the same thing and his mouth was turned down at the corners.
‘Here she is, the woman in question!’ Esther ran towards Danni as she came into the restaurant; the baby bump that had been invisible just a week or so before was now becoming more obvious. When Isla looked towards Aidan again, she’d expected him to look even more downcast, being confronted by something that he longed for so much, but he was smiling.
‘You can’t keep us in suspense for a moment longer. There are four boxes of Krispy Kremes we’re waiting to crack open here.’ He looked at Wendy, who’d already broken her second doughnut in half. ‘Wendy just agreed to do a taste test for us, but no one else is allowed to have one until you’ve spilled the beans.’
‘I can’t believe you’ve all stayed on after your shift, just to hear my news.’ Danni was close to tears as she looked around at everyone, and she didn’t quite make it to the end of her next sentence before she started to cry. ‘But it looks like I’m getting myself another little Charlie!’
There was a chorus of congratulations after that, and within minutes it looked like a swarm of locusts had been set loose on the Krispy Kremes. Everyone was smiling and there was such an upbeat mood in the room that, for a few moments, Isla completely forgot about the fact that in less than forty-eight hours’ time she’d be meeting the haematologist to discuss the result of her tests. Then she spotted Aidan again and this time there was no mistaking the pensive look on his face. So much hung on the outcome of her tests, and it wasn’t only her life that was on hold until she found out what she was facing.