Chapter 13
13
Isla had done all she could to try and follow Sandy’s advice and not panic too much about the results of her screening, but she had enough medical knowledge to know what the implications could be. The prospect of cancer was terrifying, but what worried her even more was the thought of having to break the news to her mother, not to mention the rest of her family. She’d witnessed her mum being pushed to the limit when her father was dying, almost killing her too. She’d said afterwards that she wasn’t sure how she’d survived it and, if anyone ever asked whether she might ever want another relationship, she was always resolute in her response that she wasn’t prepared to risk the heartbreak again. It was a sentiment that had rubbed off on Isla, and she couldn’t bear the thought of putting her mother through so much pain, when she had sacrificed the chance to fall in love again, in order to protect herself.
‘I know you’re worried about your mum, my love, but I wish you’d eat a bit more of your dinner.’ Her grandmother put an arm on Isla’s shoulder as she moved to stand behind her. ‘She’s going to be okay you know. Lexi said in her text that the operation went fine, and she’ll call as soon as your mum is back in the land of the living.’
‘I know, I just wish I was there.’ Isla managed a half smile, as she turned to look at Joy. She was concerned about her mother, but that wasn’t the reason she’d been pushing the food around her plate for the last half an hour. Although it suited her to let her grandmother believe it was. At least for now.
It had taken all her resolve, when she’d first walked into the house and had been folded into Grandpa Bill’s arms, before being on the receiving end of one of her grandmother’s warm hugs, not to tell them everything. Tears had filled her eyes when Joy had remarked, as she almost always did, that Isla looked like she could do with a long rest and a good meal. Normally Isla would have brushed it off, knowing it was just another way in which her grandmother showed how much she cared, but the truth was she had been feeling more tired than usual, and she had lost weight without trying to. Both of those things had been down to her job, or so she’d thought, but suddenly there was a far more sinister alternative whispering its name in every quiet moment.
‘We’ll all be going over there to visit before you know it, after those babies arrive. I just can’t wait!’ Bill was smiling from ear to ear at the prospect, and he held a hand out to his wife, pulling her towards him. ‘When we lost Nicky, I was worried we’d never get this kind of happiness again, but having great-grandchildren is going to be incredible.’
‘One of each, too.’ Joy let go of a long breath, a look of contentment spreading across her face. ‘I love having granddaughters more than you girls will ever know, but holding a little boy in my arms again is going to be so special.’
‘The babies will be really lucky to have you in their lives, just like me and Lexi have been.’ Isla blinked back the tears that were stinging her eyes again. Any thought she’d had of telling her grandparents about the results of the screening was buried for good now. There was nothing to tell yet anyway and even if there had been, she wouldn’t burden them with it unless it got to a point where she couldn’t hide it. Just like her mother, they’d been through far too much heartbreak already. So, whatever the next round of tests revealed, she’d just have to try and be strong enough to deal with it by herself.
‘Aargh!’ Isla dropped her handbag on the steps outside her flat and clutched her chest, as the figure who’d been lurking in the shadows lurched into view. ‘Bloody hell, Reuben, you scared the life out of me.’
‘I’m really sorry, are you okay?’ He scrambled to pick her bag up, a genuine look of remorse on his face. ‘I thought you were out.’
‘I was, but now I’m back. Obviously.’ Isla knew she was being curt, but she was in no mood for small talk. She and Reuben had been chatting on a WhatsApp group that Aidan had set up, which he’d titled Encouraging healthy eating for the chicken nugget kings. It had been a joke after Reuben’s claims that his uncles barely bothered with anything more adventurous than frozen food when they were left to their own devices. Aidan’s first message in the group had been a plea for easy recipes that took less time to prepare than it took Just Eat to deliver. The chat had soon ventured off topic and the four of them had exchanged messages about a wide range of topics. Aidan and Jase would tease their nephew, and Reuben would respond in kind. It had been a lovely window into their relationship and had offered Isla even more reassurance about the wonderful family Aidan and Jase’s child would be born into. Sometimes she’d make a joke too, or send a meme that summed up the direction the chat was going in.
When she’s been quieter on the group for a bit longer than usual, because work had been hectic, Reuben had messaged her separately to check she was okay and that nothing any of them had been joking about had upset her. She’d reassured him that it hadn’t, and they’d carried on exchanging messages both inside and outside the group. She’d found herself checking her phone far more often than normal, and always hoping that there’d be a message from Reuben. It was strange how much easier it was to open up to someone when you weren’t face to face with them, and how a virtual stranger could so quickly come to feel like a trusted friend as a result. There was only one thing she couldn’t be honest about, but the results of her screening were something she hadn’t told anyone else about either. None of the closeness they’d built up made it any less terrifying to find someone creeping around in the shadows outside her house. She suddenly felt embarrassed, too, at just how candid she’d been with Reuben about her feelings, and it was making her lash out at him in a way she knew was unreasonable, but that she couldn’t control. ‘The fact that you were lurking around here in the dark, because you thought I was out, makes it sound even more dodgy. Why are you here?’
She’d left her grandparents’ place twenty minutes after they’d finally had a video call from Lexi, and a very woozy Clare. Isla had been relieved to see her mother smiling, despite the events of the day, and her grandparents had wanted her to stay over, so that she could have a drink to celebrate the good news. But she wasn’t in the mood for celebrations, so she’d blamed an early shift the next morning for leaving just after 9p.m. The last thing she’d expected was to find Reuben standing outside the entrance to her flat, which had its own front door, where the side entrance to the chapel had originally been. She couldn’t think what possible reason there could be for him being there, but then he gestured towards the bottom of the door.
‘I brought you these. Aidan gave me your address when I told him I wanted to drop them off.’
‘Flowers? What an earth for?’ If Reuben was labouring under the illusion that she was interested in him, like that, then she was more than happy to put him straight. She’d always known that love would have to find her, if she was ever going to experience it. Actively seeking it out would mean deliberately taking the risk of getting hurt, and admitting her attraction to Reuben would have been doing just that. So she wouldn’t have given him any indication that she liked him, even if she hadn’t had a terrifying call from the clinic.
‘I’ve started stocking some flowers from a wholesaler in Camborne, and I had a couple of bunches left over when I closed the shop. So I thought I’d drop them off with a fruit and veg box, in case my uncles aren’t sharing all the good stuff with you the way they should be.’ Reuben was smiling and he had such an easy manner that made it much harder to maintain a barrier between them now they were face to face, and for a moment she had an almost overpowering urge to tell him about the phone call from the clinic. She had to get rid of Reuben before she made a stupid mistake and opened up to him even more than she had already.
‘Thank you.’ The words might have been appropriate, but her tone wasn’t. She couldn’t afford to let her guard down or it was all going to come tumbling out. Telling Reuben could wreck all of Aidan and Jase’s plans, and she didn’t want to make them worry unnecessarily when she didn’t even have any of the facts yet. She was already worrying enough for all of them.
‘Are you okay?’ Reuben narrowed his eyes as he looked at her, and she bit her lip, trying to steady her voice before she answered.
‘I’m fine.’ Her voice broke on the second word.
‘No, you’re not.’ Reuben’s tone was gentle. ‘And you can tell me to sod off and mind my own business, if you like, but I don’t think I can walk away and leave you like this. If you don’t want to talk to me, is there someone I can call for you?’
‘Have you got time to come in?’ The words were out of Isla’s mouth before she even realised how much she wanted him to say yes. Maybe it was because it seemed easier to talk to someone she barely knew outside the messages they’d exchanged, and who might be able to see the implications of the call from the clinic more objectively than the people who loved her most. But, whatever the reason, she couldn’t deny the urge to confide in Reuben, despite her fears about where that might lead.
‘I’ve got as much time as you need.’
Ten minutes later, Isla had made them both a coffee, opened two different types of biscuits, but she still hadn’t told him about the call from the clinic.
‘As much as I like a chocolate HobNob, and Fox’s Crunch Creams, I feel like I should ask you again if you want to talk about what’s bothering you, because something clearly is. You haven’t stood still from the moment we got in.’ Reuben had such an open face, his green eyes filling with concern when he looked at her, that it would have been impossible for her to lie to him, even if she was capable of it. And he was right, she hadn’t been able to stand still, because her physical movements seemed intent on mirroring the whirring of her brain. She might as well just tell him.
‘I had a call from the clinic today, about the results of my screening tests. They’re worried about something that’s shown up in my blood. I’ve been referred for more tests, but if I had to guess, I’d say they strongly suspect it’s leukaemia.’ The word felt so alien as she said it out loud, as if she was trying to pronounce something she’d never heard of before. Her teeth were chattering and, as she reached for her coffee, her hands were shaking too, fear making itself plain. The shock on Reuben’s face was just as obvious.
‘I’m so sorry, Isla. I can’t even imagine what it was like to get a call like that. What have your family said?’
‘Nothing, because I haven’t told them.’ If it was possible, he looked even more shocked at that revelation. No one would understand unless they’d been through the things her family had experienced, but Reuben clearly wanted to try.
‘Why not?’
‘Because they’ll worry themselves to death about it, after what happened to my dad, and I don’t want them to have to deal with it, unless they really have to.’
‘Aidan told me about your dad and I’m really sorry about what happened to him, but I’m almost certain your family would want to know, so they can support you with this.’
‘They would, but this is my choice.’ For the first time, something stronger than fear was firing inside of Isla and her tone was sharp. If Reuben even thought about finding a way to go behind her back and speak to her family, she wouldn’t be the only one facing a terrifyingly uncertain future.
‘Okay, but you need to let someone be there for you, and I know my uncles will want to support you.’ Reuben curled his fingers around hers, and the strangest thing about it was that it wasn’t uncomfortable, or odd, it felt right. ‘And I’d like to be there for you too, in any way I can. I’m hoping to God that it’s nothing to worry about, but if you need anything, I want you to know I’m here.’
She’d barely registered what he was offering to do for someone he hardly knew, because her mind was whirring again. All she could think about was how devasted Aidan and Jase would be if all the plans they’d made to start a family came crashing down. She couldn’t do that to them, she wouldn’t, and she had to make Reuben understand why. ‘I can’t tell Aidan and Jase either. Not when all their hopes for a baby are resting on me being able to donate my eggs.’
‘They’ll never forgive themselves, or me, if you go through the next round of tests without their support, and I don’t think I could live with that either.’ Reuben still had hold of her hand and he seemed every bit as determined to make his point. ‘Like I said before, when you agreed to donate your eggs, you became a part of this family. Like it or not.’
‘You’re not going to give me any choice, are you?’ Isla knew what Reuben’s response was going to be, even before he shook his head. She could have carried on fighting it, and trying to convince him that telling his uncles was a mistake, but she didn’t have the energy. More than that, deep down, a part of her had to admit she must have wanted this, or she’d never have changed her mind about telling him. As much as she hated the thought of burdening Aidan and Jase, relief was flooding her body too, because she was no longer carrying this weight completely on her own. There was still a chance that there was nothing to worry about, but Isla knew too much to pin her hopes on being given the all-clear. If she had to sit in a room and hear the words confirming she had leukaemia, she wasn’t sure she could face that on her own.
‘Okay then.’ Her words were barely audible, but she knew Reuben had heard her because he was squeezing her hand. A few hours before she wouldn’t have been able to imagine this scenario in her wildest dreams, but the call from the clinic had sent her whole world spinning off its axis. And suddenly Reuben felt like the only solid thing she had left to cling on to.