Chapter 20 #2
She’d gone to see Max on the way into work and had explained what had happened.
His first question had been whether he’d still be getting the pods for the coffee machine in his room that he’d asked Annie to order, and she’d had to fight the urge to take hold of his shoulders and shake him.
She knew Max couldn’t help the way he was, but he was so far removed from the kind, loving, and generous person he’d been before the assault.
Now he was completely self-interested, barely seeming to register anyone else’s problems, even when they were spelled out to him, much in the way that a narcissist might react.
All that mattered to Max was whether it would affect what that person usually did for him.
It was almost as if his frontal lobe had never developed at all, rather than having been catastrophically damaged during the assault.
Eve had always known that the brain was an incredibly complex and fragile structure, her awareness of that having been heightened during her medical training, but nothing had brought that home as powerfully as Max’s injuries.
Other residents of Oakwood Park who had suffered similar levels of brain damage had been affected in vastly different ways to Max, when it came to changes in their personalities, and amongst them were some of the kindest and sweetest souls Eve had ever met.
That included Tasha, who presented Eve with a beautiful blanket she’d crocheted, almost every time Eve saw her.
Tasha made the blankets for the babies delivered at St Piran’s who would never make it home and Eve knew just how much that small gesture had meant to some of the bereaved parents.
Of course there were other residents who displayed far less positive behaviours and, deep down, Eve knew that Max’s behaviour only seemed extreme to her because she’d known and loved the old version of him with all of her heart.
This new version wasn’t anywhere near as easy to love, especially when she was still grieving so hard for her Max, the way he used to be.
After reassuring him that she’d bought in the coffee pods he’d asked for, she hadn’t stayed long and had arrived at work forty-five minutes before the start of her shift.
‘Good, we’ve got time to go for a coffee before we start,’ Meg had said, having also been at work early, almost as if she was lying in wait for Eve to arrive.
They’d gone to the Friends of St Piran’s Shop and almost as soon as Eve had sat down at one of the tables outside it, Gwen had bought over a huge piece of coffee and walnut cake.
‘I made it especially for you,’ she announced, setting it down on the table.
‘I guessed you wouldn’t have got much sleep last night and I also had a bet with myself that you’d turn up for your shift as usual, so I got up early and whipped it up before work.
I figured you could use the caffeine to help you make it through until hometime. ’
‘Will you be my mum?’ Eve had meant it as a joke, but the words suddenly caught in her throat and a sob escaped before she could stop it.
‘Hey, hey, hey.’ Gwen moved to sit in the chair next to Eve, opposite where Meg was already sitting, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. ‘Is this about the car accident or something else?’
‘It’s everything.’ Eve was still trying not to cry, but she didn’t seem able to stop.
‘Oh, Eve, you shouldn’t be here. This is all too much, I’ll give Danni a call and get her to arrange some cover.’ Meg was already pulling the phone out of her pocket when Eve surprised herself by shouting.
‘No!’ She shook her head, in case the word needed even more emphasis. ‘I don’t want to be at home on my own, thinking about all of this. I already feel like I’m suffocating and the last thing I need is to be indoors, alone, feeling like the four walls are closing in on me too.’
‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Gwen still had an arm around her shoulders as she spoke and it felt comforting rather than weird.
‘I’m just tired, that’s all.’ Eve tried to smile but it went all wobbly. ‘You don’t want to listen to my problems. Even if I had a mum, she’d probably be fed up with hearing about them by now.’
‘I’m more than happy to be a stand-in mum for you, but I also make a great agony aunt, and all advice comes with an extra slice of cake.’
‘Gwen’s advice is legendary, and her cake is officially better than sex.’ Meg gave Eve a meaningful look, and Gwen’s eyes widened in surprise.
‘I do make great coffee cake, but Meg, my love, you’re doing sex all wrong if that’s your conclusion. I could always start with some advice on how to change that, if Eve doesn’t want to talk about what’s on her mind.’
Gwen looked over the top of her glasses and Eve found herself smiling at their attempts to cheer her up, as Meg clasped her hand.
‘Please, Eve, save me from another sex talk. I’m still not over the one my mum gave me when I was ten and I realised that she and my dad had done that at least twice!’
‘You’re opening up a whole can of worms there, my girl.’ Gwen shook her head and Meg squeezed Eve’s hand even tighter.
‘Eve, you’re my friend. Save me, please!’
‘Okay.’ Eve’s smiled deepened, her heart already feeling much lighter than it had before, and Meg sighed with relief.
‘Thank you!’
‘So, come on then, lovely girl. What’s going on?’ Gwen waited for a beat, but when Eve didn’t respond she continued. ‘You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to, but I’d bet my last pound on you feeling better about whatever’s worrying you, once you’ve shared it with someone.’
‘Maybe you’re right, even if you can’t do anything to change it.
’ Eve squared her shoulders and took a deep breath.
It had helped when she’d told Felix about how difficult things had got for Lily before she left.
Maybe this would help as well and she had nothing to lose by confiding in Gwen and Meg.
‘As you know I’ve been seeing Felix and things got quite serious, or at least I thought they did. ’
‘You can’t possibly doubt how much he likes you?’ Meg furrowed her brow. ‘The way he looks at you, no one could miss it.’
‘I thought he did at first, but I think it was more the thrill of the chase. When we started to get close, I told him nothing could happen because of Max, but after San Francisco…’ Heat flooded her face at the memory of how certain she’d been that things were going to change, because of the way she felt about Felix – the way she’d thought they felt about one another – but she’d clearly been wrong.
‘I realised that all the advice you guys gave me was right and that I couldn’t live like this any more – going along with Annie’s fantasy that one day Max would be back to his old self and we could carry on with all the plans we made before he got hurt.
I didn’t realise how suffocated and trapped I felt by all of that until Felix came along.
I still love Max, but not in the way I used to, and I love his family as well, but Felix made me realise I want more than that.
I want the chance to be able to create a family of my own one day, but I don’t think Felix was ever on the same page.
He’s gone cold on me, and now I don’t know if I can tell Annie and Nigel the truth and risk losing them too. ’
‘This isn’t about Felix.’ Gwen’s tone was firm. ‘Whatever he is or isn’t thinking, or does or doesn’t want, he’s allowed you to be honest with yourself about what you want.’
‘Gwen’s right,’ Meg said, earning her an ‘of course I am’ kind of look from the older woman, before she continued.
‘Forget about Felix, it’s his loss if he can’t see how amazing you are, although I still think you’re wrong about that.
Either way he’s made you realise you can’t put your life on hold forever because of what happened to Max. ’
‘I’ve just spent so long being scared of being on my own again.
I know it was wrong of me to cling to Annie and Nigel because of it, but it wasn’t until I met Felix that I started to believe there really could be another life out there for me, if I had the courage to go for it.
I want to move on and I feel like I’ve made a life for myself here, at the hospital, that goes beyond Max’s family and even Felix, but what if I’ve read that wrong? Where would that leave me?’
‘Of course you haven’t read that wrong, everyone at the hospital thinks you’re bloody amazing.’ Eve had never seen Meg so resolute, and Gwen was nodding along enthusiastically.
‘I think I might have got myself an apprentice.’ Gwen grinned for a moment, but then her expression grew more serious.
‘Any change can be scary and I know putting yourself out there to make connections with new people probably felt like a huge risk, but you can’t go through life afraid to take risks.
Maybe Felix was only meant to be the catalyst for change, but like you said, look at all the other relationships you’ve built since starting at St Piran’s.
There’s a whole world out there, Eve, and you need to grab it by the short and curlies.
Otherwise, one day, you’ll turn around and find yourself in your eighties, wondering what could have been and there’s no way me or Meg, or any of your friends are going to let that happen. ’
Gwen held her gaze for a moment and Eve found herself nodding slowly, the other woman’s words echoing what Lily had already said about finding the courage to make a new start.
Her friends were right about Felix, though.
This wasn’t about him, not really. This was about the chance for life to begin again, a new kind of life.
That didn’t mean it couldn’t include Max and his family, and she really wanted it to, but it did mean the roles they all played would have to be different.
She was going to make a fresh start, whatever the cost of that might be.
Even though there was a part of her heart still aching because that wouldn’t necessarily include Felix, she knew she’d survive.
After all, she’d already survived far worse.