Chapter Sixteen
Dagmar
D agmar gripped the steering wheel of her trailer as she drove back to Glenvorneth, her knuckles white. Her wins today should have thrilled her. The rosettes neatly pinned on the dashboard would make anyone smile, no? She’d defended her titles, remained unbeaten, but she may as well have come last. Who cared? Who actually cared about her wins? Her mum would, but she couldn’t take a Saturday off during the summer season, so no one that would cheer for her had seen her achievements.
The encounter with the countess, Victoria, and the others had soured everything. Dagmar’s skin crawled like she was back at school, surrounded by those same sneering faces. She shuddered. Now she was alone, brave words rose in her mind, things she wished she’d said to them. Not to mention all the ways she could imagine getting revenge. Not that she ever would. She’d never be that bad.
‘Fuck’s sake.’ She slammed her hand on the wheel, then knocked off the rosettes from the dashboard. Pointless, useless things. They should have been symbols of her hard work and dedication, but no. Didn’t they just prove how sad she was? Exactly as Victoria had been hinting. She had nothing in her life apart from horses.
Horse girl through and through.
The countess’s condescending smile, Sherri’s dismissive gaze, and Victoria’s thinly veiled insults played on a loop as she wound around the lochside. And James. Well, he and Ophelia were the only ones who’d stood up for her, but he’d also pretended not to know her. Was she really that bad? Fury bubbled up inside her like acid eating her from the inside out.
‘Why the hell did I even bother?’ Her instinct was to push harder on the accelerator, but she didn’t. Zephyra was in the trailer and didn’t deserve the brunt of Dagmar’s fury. Zephyra, her only true friend. The one she could rely on. Horses had been her constant companions through thick and thin.
Her thoughts raced back to school. The teasing, the exclusion, and the loneliness. Now this. Normal service resumed.
What did it matter? James wasn’t for her anyway, and Victoria was so delighted by him he wouldn’t need any more lessons to win her. Dagmar could part company with him and forever this time.
The sun was setting beyond the hills, but she barely noticed.
‘Forget them,’ she muttered. ‘Just forget them.’ But the words felt empty. She couldn’t just forget. Not when the memories were so vivid, the pain so fresh. She turned onto the drive leading to Glenvorneth and slowed down, taking a deep breath. Parking the trailer wasn’t easy, and she needed to concentrate.
I’m stronger than this.
She had to be. She’d got this far, and she could keep going. But what was the point? She wasn’t sure any of this made her truly happy anymore. Her heart was empty and cold.
She stepped out of the trailer. Birdsong and the gentle whisper of wind in the trees filled the cool May evening, but it didn’t soothe or calm her. If anything, it was irritating that pleasant things existed while her mind felt so dark. She grabbed the wheel blocks from the storage compartment and placed them under the trailer’s wheels.
‘Come on, Zephyra,’ she said softly, opening the trailer door. Zephyra’s head appeared, and she stepped out carefully. Dagmar led her up the bridle path towards the stable. They’d done this so often together. Dagmar had got her when she was young, trained her herself, and together they’d had so much success. It was such a beautiful evening. The people who’d been at the horse trials were probably enjoying it in the pub or sitting out in their gardens. Ophelia and Brann were likely back at the Boathouse, the beautiful property they’d done up on the estate. No doubt they were sitting out on the balcony, all loved up with champagne, looking out over the little lochan and enjoying the peace. Who knew what James and Victoria would be doing? Dagmar steered her mind well away from every scenario her brain threw at her. Possibly his whole family had stayed on at the castle. Perhaps they were all still talking about her – or more likely they’d forgotten she even existed.
She opened Zephyra’s stall, and Zephyra walked in, immediately nosing the hay. Dagmar stroked her neck, then pulled out a little box of chopped watermelon. Zephyra instantly turned her attention to that. ‘Here you go. Your favourite. That’s for being such a good girl. At least I can count on you.’ She gave her all the melon remaining in the box, made sure she had enough water, then closed the stall door behind her. With one last quick check on the other horses, she headed back down the hill to the trailer.
Before going inside, she went for a quick wee and a shower. As she did so, she spotted headlights up at the car park. She squinted, holding the towel tight around her, trying to make out the vehicle. Probably Ophelia or someone making a late call to feed their horse. On a day when a lot of owners would have been at the trials, that wasn’t unexpected.
Climbing inside the trailer, she shut the door firmly. She rummaged through the pull-out storage box, retrieving her nightclothes. And James’s sweater. Was it ridiculous that she liked wearing it quite so much? Somehow it had brought comfort on cold, lonely nights, but tonight she wanted to burn it. She stared at it, then let out a sigh. Ah, to hell with it. Who would ever know? And it was warm.
She slipped it on. It smelled faintly of him, a mix of pine and something she couldn’t quite place.
‘What a mess.’ She sat on the edge of the bed, the sweater’s sleeves long enough to cover her hands. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she reached over and turned on the small lamp by the bed, its yellow glow filling the trailer. The long Scottish dusk meant it wasn’t completely dark yet, but the light was comforting.
Lying down, she pulled the blankets up to her chin and stared at the ceiling, her mind a whirlwind of thoughts. The events of the day replayed in her head, bringing sharp stabs of pain and irritation rather than the thrill of winning. Her mum would want to know how she got on though. Dagmar pulled out her phone and messaged her. If anyone was always happy to hear from her, it was her mum. She would have something kind to say, even if no one else did. After hitting send, she flicked off the light and lay back, closing her eyes.
She wasn’t even sure what she was more upset about. The fact that James hadn’t let on he knew her or him and Victoria being so close. Despite Victoria hanging on his arm, he’d still stood up for Dagmar – and in front of the earl and countess. That had to count in his favour, but none of it appeased the restlessness in her soul. Because it made no difference what he said or didn’t say. The bottom line was, he wasn’t for her. And the pain in her heart seemed to stem from that more than anything else.
The sound of footsteps outside made her tense. She listened, holding her breath and lying completely still. Who the hell would come walking about down here at this time of night?
A knock on the door.
She froze, her heart pounding in her chest. No one ever came down here. She stayed silent, praying whoever it was would just go away. But the knock came again, more insistent this time.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ she muttered, slipping off the bed. Grabbing her riding crop from its hook by the door, her hands trembling, she cautiously opened the door and peered around.
It was James.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Her voice shook. How dare he think this was ok? Especially after the day she’d had. She thrust the door open and shoved her riding crop into his chest. All the burning rage from the day – maybe longer – boiling over. ‘You scared the shit out of me!’
James stepped back, his hands raised in surrender. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—’
‘Didn’t mean to what? Pretend you didn’t know me because Victoria is more important?’ She jabbed the riding crop into him. ‘You haven’t changed one bit!’
‘Listen, I’m sorry.’ He didn’t try to stop her, taking the prods without flinching. ‘I did what I could, but I realise I was stupid not to admit I knew you. It wasn’t because I’m ashamed of knowing you or anything like that. It was only because I didn’t want to mention the lessons. But I’ve been thinking about it ever since because it didn’t sit well with me. I came to apologise. I was wrong, and I know I’ve hurt you.’
‘Too late for that.’ She lowered the crop, her breath coming in short, sharp gasps. ‘Just go, James. Leave me alone.’
‘Dagmar, please, let me—’
‘Go away!’ She shoved him with the crop and turned on her heel, storming back into the trailer and slammed the door shut, locking it behind her. As she leaned her hands against it, her body trembled, and her breathing was blocked. Tears welled and she let them fall. She pressed her forehead against the cool metal of the door, willing them to stop.
‘Dagmar,’ James’s voice said softly. ‘Please, please, let me talk. I beg you.’
She couldn’t bring herself to say anything. What was left to say? Nothing could change what he’d done or not done. Or take away the fact that any day now he’d ride off with Victoria and she’d never see him again – except at shows, when he’d be sitting in the earl’s box, a hundred leagues above her. She should be rejoicing that day, but her heart cracked even more at the thought.
‘I know I’m an arsehole. It was all so I could keep up the front with Victoria, but that’s no excuse. I wanted you and I to be friends, but I haven’t acted like a friend. All I’ve been is a dick. Please. I know you’re hurting in there. Let me see you. Let me fall at your feet and you can slap me about some more. I deserve it. I’m so, so sorry.’
Tears streamed down her face, and she bit her lip to stifle the sobs. ‘I said go away. Go.
If you don’t get off this land, I’ll get a rifle from the gunroom and shoot you.’
She listened until his footsteps receded up the path, then fell back onto the bed.
Dagmar was up early the next day, even though she’d barely slept a wink. Keeping to her routine, even though it was Sunday morning, might be enough to keep her sane and her mind off James.
After mucking out, she propped the wheelbarrow up against the wall, and turned, dusting her hands together. Caitlin and Kristi were walking across the yard.
‘Morning,’ Kristi said. ‘Sorry Caitlin’s a bit late. It’s my fault. One of my sisters needed me to drop something off, and it took longer than I expected.’
‘Don’t worry.’ Dagmar gave her a little smile.
‘See you later, Mum.’ Caitlin gave Kristi a hug and headed straight into the stables.
‘I hope it doesn’t mess things up too much. I’m really sorry.’ Kristi walked over to Dagmar.
‘It’s not a problem. I didn’t even notice to tell the truth. My head’s such a mess.’
‘Oh? Has something happened?’
Dagmar sighed. Much as she hated talking about herself, she wanted to offload, and Kristi seemed like a safe person.
‘How long have you got?’
Kristi gave a little shrug. ‘As long as you need.’
Dagmar nudged her head towards the office and moved in that direction. Kristi followed her.
‘What’s going on?’ Kristi was watching her. ‘Is it Ophelia?’
‘No. It’s James.’
‘Is he the bloke you were talking about before?’
‘Yep.’
‘What’s he done?’
‘I don’t know where to start. I’m a mess thinking about it. Yesterday, at the trials, something stupid happened.’ She explained about him pretending not to know her. ‘But he did stick up for me. So did Ophelia. And I know he didn’t want to say he knew me…’ She glanced at Kristi. ‘I’m not supposed to say why.’
‘Ok.’ Kristi sucked on her lips, still eyeing Dagmar. ‘Why is his opinion so important to you?’
Dagmar huffed and looked away. ‘Good point. I guess that’s the problem. I used to have a crush on him and I don’t think it ever went away. But he’s… Well, he has someone else on his radar.’
Kristi put her hand on Dagmar’s shoulder and sighed. ‘Hey, that’s tough. But if he’s not actually with this person and you fancy a shot, why not go for it? This is the twenty-first century. You don’t have to wait for him to ask you. Go ask him. Get in before the other one.’
‘I don’t think that would work.’
‘Why the hell not? I refuse to believe you’re any less than this other woman.’
‘I definitely have less money… And experience.’
‘Hmm, if he’s only out for her money, then he’s a twat, and experience of what?’
Dagmar gave a little shrug. ‘Relationships. I’ve never really made time for them.’
‘Well, most of them are overrated, so you probably haven’t missed anything. Everyone’s got to start somewhere, and you’ve got plenty of life experience. Running this place on your own isn’t exactly easy. I’m telling you, if you want more from him, go for it. Even if it’s just a fling. Have it and be done with.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Sure.’ Kristi grinned. ‘Give him a test run and see if he’s worth it.’ She winked and squeezed Dagmar’s shoulder.
‘I wish I had your confidence.’
‘I’m not sure it’s confidence,’ Kristi said. ‘I’ve just got to a stage in life where I don’t really care what people think, though it doesn’t always work. I’m as susceptible as anyone, but in this instance, if you want something to happen, then make it happen.’ Kristi put her arm around Dagmar’s shoulder and Dagmar leaned into her, allowing herself to relax into the friendly hug.
She needed to keep these words with her, even though most of it was stuff that was easier said than done.
It gave her lots to think about as she went about the rest of the day as she went about her work. She wasn’t sure she had the nerve to do any of that or even speak to James again. Maybe he wouldn’t need any more lessons. But what about the café? So much felt unresolved.
She hadn’t thought James would show face here again that day, but she was wrong. As she nipped out of her trailer just after lunch, she saw him leaning on the fence not far up the path. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself.
She marched up the path towards him, channelling the energy Kristi had instilled her with – though she wasn’t going to ask him out or anything like that. He straightened up and looked around.
‘Why are you here?’ she asked.
He held up his hands. ‘I… I don’t know. I’m trying to think.’
‘Then can you go back to your own house and think? I don’t want you standing around here.’
He huffed out a breath. ‘Fair enough. But I just want to know you’re ok.’
She shook her head and met his eyes. ‘I’m sure that’s exactly what you want, then your conscience can rest easy, but I can’t give you that satisfaction. I’ve had it with you and… I want to know what you’re doing about the café and then you can go back to Victoria.’
‘Everything is fine with the café. I’ve handed my proposals to Henry, and things should be finalised within the next few weeks.’ He held up his hands and backed off. ‘Please don’t hate me. You’re a great person and you’re important to so many people, and—’
‘Important? For what?’
‘For your mum, the horses, yourself… Me.’
‘Just stop. I’m not important to you.’
‘You are.’
‘Oh yeah, I forgot, so you can learn to ride.’
‘More than that. You’re my friend. Please, let me make amends. I’m happy to go to Victoria and tell her you and I already know each other. We can go together if you want.’
‘I don’t think she’d like that.’
‘Well, tough shit. Because you’re my friend and no matter what kind of relationship I have with Victoria in the future, I want to keep our friendship. Victoria will have to deal with that.’
Dagmar stared at him. ‘But she hates me.’
‘She’s jealous of your riding skills.’
‘And you think it’s a good idea for you to be friends with someone she’s jealous of? When you and she are practically engaged?’
‘So my parents think. But turns out, I’m not the only person on her list. After I praised your ride yesterday, both Victoria and her parents took great delight in telling me so. Good to keep their options open and all that.’
Dagmar sucked on her lower lip. She’d heard that rumour from Ophelia. ‘Does that mean you’re giving up on her?’
He nodded. ‘I think so. My parents won’t be happy, but for me, it’s a get out of jail card. I really didn’t feel anything for Victoria.’
‘What about…’ She wanted to say “me”, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Kristi’s voice might be urging her to, but it wasn’t possible. ‘What about the horses?’
‘I want to keep doing the lessons… If you were up for it. That’s what I came here to talk to you about.’
She glanced away with a little shrug. ‘You’ve paid for them, so you may as well keep going, and who knows, they might come in handy with some other rich woman.’
He gave her a wry smile. ‘Yeah, that’s a good point, one that my parents would certainly see as beneficial.’ He moved a little closer and put his hand on her arm. ‘But I’d rather do it because I enjoy it, and I enjoy your company.’
She frowned, not quite able to take in what he’d said.
‘Anyway, I’ll leave you in peace. I just wanted to check you were ok, and let you know I didn’t want to stop the lessons.’
As he made to walk away, she grabbed his arm. ‘James.’
‘What?’ His eyes met hers and for a moment, they just looked at each other.
‘I…I don’t know.’
‘I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, really.’ He gently placed his hand on her upper arm.
She gave him a little smile. ‘Yeah.’
‘Friends?’ He raised an eyebrow.
She nodded, swallowed, and, remembering Kristi’s words, reached out and placed her opposite hand on his arm. It was the boldest move she’d ever made, and, with his hand still on her, it was like they’d formed a cage. She kept her eyes on him, aware of how handsome he looked, how warm he felt, and how divine his fragrance was.
Never taking his gaze from her, he pulled her a little closer and gave her the smallest of hugs. Holding still, her breath caught in her throat. She’d never been hugged by a man before. The sensation was overwhelming, causing a storm in her chest. Was it terror, excitement, pleasure?
But before she could get used to it or relax into it, he pulled back. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow for another lesson. You take care.’
And that was that. She watched him walking up the bridle path and stopping to chat to one of the horses before he made his way to the stables. Her head still felt messy and uncertain, but something else was there now too.
Hope.
She needed to hang onto it. Crazy it may be, but it was exciting and new. Maybe, just maybe, she had a tiny chance to do something different. Have a little fun and move out of her comfort zone. And why not? She’d been stuck in one place for a long time.
The main problem was, she wasn’t sure what to do next.