Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
INXS, “NEED YOU TONIGHT”
Gabby
“Did he ask about me?” Olivia questioned as we ate chicken sandwiches and fries at the dining hall.
“He doesn’t talk much,” I mumbled, squeezing ketchup onto my plate.
“I’ll take that as a no. Does he know I’ve been there twice while he was sleeping? That I met his parents?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been there the whole time. So maybe his parents said something or maybe they didn’t. You said you didn’t want a serious relationship. Just ninety-six.”
Olivia snorted. “Sixty-nine. But we never got that far.”
I was relieved. It bothered me to think that my mouth had touched Ben’s mouth if his mouth had been between Olivia’s legs.
“I can’t believe he’s going home.” I released a heavy sigh.
“Gabby, what do you expect him to do? If he can’t hear, and he doesn’t know sign language, and he’s a music major, how is he supposed to learn?”
“Beethoven was deaf.”
“I don’t know if I’d throw that in Ben’s face right now.”
“I won’t. I’m just really going to miss him. And if he can’t hear, I can’t even talk to him on the phone.”
“Write him letters.”
I stared at my plate, replaying the kiss between us. Then my thoughts jumped to the panic in his eyes the night I rode with him to the hospital. His head in my lap. The tears that he quickly wiped away when we got to the hospital. The agony on his face when he spoke too loudly because he couldn’t hear himself.
“I’m not hungry.” I stood. “So I’m going back to the room.”
“Gabby …”
I tossed my dinner and walked back to the dorm. When I got there, Matt was sitting on the floor outside of my room.
“Hey,” I said, mustering as much enthusiasm as possible, which wasn’t a lot.
“Hi. I heard about Ben. Your mom talked to mine.” He stood. “Gabby, I’m so sorry. How’s he doing?”
“He’s deaf, and he’s dropping out of school.” I unlocked my door.
Matt, the boy of my dreams, the reason I was attending the University of Michigan, was at my door, ready to console me. But I didn’t want him there because I couldn’t fake a smile, flirt, or be the least bit attractive.
I stepped inside my room, and Matt followed me. “Oh, I forgot to mention that we weren’t on the best terms when he got sick, so I didn’t check on him like I should have. So it’s most likely my fault that he’s deaf because he waited so long to get treatment. And let’s not forget that he’s a music major— was a music major—so hearing is kind of important.”
“Gabby, you can’t blame yourself for what is obviously not your fault. Who would have ever imagined that he didn’t just have the flu? And that it would be meningitis, and that he would lose his ability to hear? He has a roommate. Why didn’t his roommate say something?”
“I don’t know.” I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed while sitting on Olivia’s bed.
Matt pulled the desk chair close to me and sat down, taking my hands in his. “I know this isn’t comforting to him or you or anyone else, but the truth is, it could have been worse. He could have died. But he didn’t. And now he’s going home. That’s a good thing because he’s not going home to be buried in the ground. But, yeah, it’s also sad. You’re going to miss him. You’re going to feel abandoned. Then you’re going to beat yourself up for having any feelings about yourself, like all of your thoughts should revolve around him and what he’s going through.”
I pulled my hands from his to wipe my tears. “Is that how you feel about Julianne?”
Matt returned a sad smile. “Yeah.” He sat up, scratching the back of his neck. “She’s choosing to be there for her mom. What an awful person, huh?”
I didn’t want to laugh at his sarcasm, but I couldn’t help but smile. “Ben’s going home because he can’t hear, and that’s probably really scary and confusing. How dare he?”
Matt chuckled. “That’s the spirit. They’re both awful. Why aren’t they thinking of us and our needs? Who are we supposed to hang out with on the weekends? Have they even thought about it for a second? Inconsiderate assholes.”
I covered my mouth to hide my giggle. It felt wrong to laugh while Ben was dealing with his world being turned upside down.
Matt returned a smirk.
My smile faded. “You love her.”
Lines formed along his forehead, but after a few seconds, he nodded. “Yeah.”
My heart didn’t know how to reconcile my feelings for Matt, his feelings for Julianne, and my kiss with Ben. Part of me wanted to just come out and ask Matt what the chances were of us ever being more than friends. I didn’t like not knowing things. I needed something to go right in my life, a spark of hope.
Maybe it was the emotional exhaustion of Ben’s illness or the glimpse of Matt’s vulnerability and true feelings for Julianne, but for whatever reason, I decided to share my secret. “I’ve had a crush on you since before you and Sarah were dating.”
Matt grinned like he wasn’t the least bit surprised by my confession. “I’m flattered.”
Flattered? I wasn’t trying to flatter him. His response made me feel like a child. How cute or sweet it was for me to have a crush on him?
“Well, that’s good. That’s what I was going for.”
Matt’s eyebrows lifted a fraction. I wasn’t as well-versed in sarcasm. That was my sister Eve’s area of expertise. But it just came out.
“You’re Sarah’s sister. It’s a little weird.”
“Sarah’s with your brother. That’s what’s weird.”
Matt pressed his lips together and nodded slowly.
“Ugh!” I covered my face, rubbing my forehead with the pads of my fingers. “I’m stressed. And confused. And tired. Please forget I said anything. I sound desperate. I’m not desperate. I mean, clearly I’m a little desperate, but—gah! Shut up, Gabriella!” I jumped up, hitting my head on the wood rail of the top bunk. “Ouch!” I seethed.
“Oh, shit!” Matt stood. “Are you okay?” He moved my hand out of the way to look at my head. “Luckily it’s not bleeding, but you’re going to have a nice goose egg.” He kissed my head.
“I’m a mess, embarrassed, sad, tired, and all around miserable. You should go. Run. Don’t turn back.”
“Well, I’m sad, angry, unfocused, making poor decisions, and all around miserable too.”
I looked up at him.
Matt smiled, brushing my hair away from my face. “Sarah’s with my brother,” he whispered as if he were thinking out loud instead of speaking to me. “So what if I kiss her sister, right?” The pad of his thumb brushed along my cheek. “So what if we make poor decisions together?”
I swallowed hard. “Such as?”
His gaze homed in on my mouth, and he wet his lips. “Such as doing something that feels really good so we can have a break from feeling so bad.” He lowered his head just enough to brush his lips along mine.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
Teasing turned into kissing. It was nice, better than the time I thought he was going to kiss me so I turned my head, but not as good as it felt when Ben kissed me. But I just hit my head, and I was sad about Ben, so could I expect it to be a mind-blowing kiss with so much on my mind?
Still, it was nice. Matt was far better than the back of my hand. Yet, I couldn't stop wondering what Ben was doing? Was he feeling better? I couldn’t imagine him going and me staying in Michigan.
Matt dropped his hands from my face to my waist and kissed me deeper. It was still nice, but not Ben. So I continued to think of Ben because it helped my lips move in sync with Matt’s.
Then his hands slid between us, and he unbuttoned my jeans.
I went into full panic mode, my body going rigid.
Matt paused. “Is this okay?” He kissed along my cheek to my neck.
I gripped his shirt, heart thrashing against my chest.
“Please say it’s okay. I want to just fucking forget the world. Don’t you?” He unzipped my jeans.
What was happening? Weren’t we supposed to make out? Kissing and maybe a subtle graze of his hand along my breast on the outside of my shirt? Then I would giggle and playfully scold him because I wasn’t having sex before marriage.
“Are you wet for me, Gabby?” His fingers teased the waistband of my underwear.
I grabbed his wrist to stop him, and he pulled back an inch, squinting.
I returned a nervous smile. “Um …”
“You’re not a virgin, right? You had a condom in your bra at my party.”
“Yeah,” I chirped quickly. “I mean, I uh, I did have one. My roommate gave it to me.”
He continued to study me, then he stepped backward. “Gabby,” he exhaled, running his fingers through his hair and shaking his head. “If you’re a virgin, I can’t?—”
“No!” I shook my head so many times I was a little dizzy. “I’m not, I just … uh, my roommate will be back any minute.”
I was not a liar before college. In a matter of months, lying became my new pastime.
“I cannot take Sarah’s virginity and yours. No way in hell.” He mirrored my headshaking.
“I’m. Not.”
I’m going to Hell.
Then the door opened behind him, and Olivia stepped inside, saving me. I quickly zipped and buttoned my jeans, and that’s what she focused on before giving me wide eyes and then shifting her attention to Matt.
“Hey, uh, this is Matt. I don’t think the two of you met at his party. Matt, this is my roommate, Olivia.”
“Nice to meet you.” He shook her hand.
Olivia’s smile swelled, gaze ping-ponging between us. “You too. I’ve heard so much about you.”
“Oh yeah?” Matt smirked, tossing me a look over his shoulder.
I returned a tight grin while feeling the bump on my head.
“Listen, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m just going to go hang out with some other friends for a while.” She walked backwards toward the door.
“Matt was just leaving,” I blurted.
“Yeah. I should bounce. Again, it was nice meeting you, Olivia.” He turned toward me. “Get some ice for your head.”
I nodded.
“I’ll call you.”
Again, I nodded because I didn’t know what to say.
“Night.” He left the room.
As soon as the door shut, Olivia’s jaw dropped. “Gabriella, you little hussy. Here I thought you were upset about Ben, but you skipped dinner for a booty call.”
“A what? No. I totally did not. I didn’t know he’d be waiting outside our door. And I was, I am , upset about Ben. It’s not what you think.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “What I think is Matt was trying to get into your panties.”
I pressed my lips together for a beat. “Okay, I guess it is what you think. Sort of. But I stopped him before you came through the door because I’m …” I couldn’t tell her I was saving myself for marriage.
Why was I embarrassed? That’s not how my parents raised me. Why was I pretending not to be a virgin? Or was I discovering a new version of myself?
“Because you what? Have an aversion to incredibly sexy men? Oh my god, Gabby! He’s so hot. How do you know all the hot guys? Ben and Matt?”
Ben …
I continued to feel the bump on my head. “I knew you were on your way back.”
“What happened to your head?”
“I hit it on the top bunk.”
Her nose wrinkled as she sat at her desk and turned on the light. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. Totally ouch.”
“So were you going to have sex or was he just going to finger you? Oral? Sixty-nine?” She giggled.
I tipped my head to try to see the bump in the mirror. “I don’t know. He didn’t say what his plans were.”
“What were you wanting him to do?”
“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Liar. Of course you’ve thought about it. You’ve been drooling over this guy since you got here. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. And if you say something about spooning, I’m going to tell everyone on our floor that you’re still a virgin.”
“Why would you say that?” I eyed her reflection in the mirror.
She slid a tape into her Walkman. “Ben told me.”
“He told you I’m a virgin?”
“Mm hmm. It’s fine. I think it’s kind of sweet. And a little weird, but to each their own.”
“Why do you say it’s weird?” I pulled my chair away from the bed where Matt had moved it.
Olivia glanced at me, pushing her glasses up her nose. “Because your first time is totally not cool. It hurts, and you just lie there praying for it to end, especially if you’re not really turned on, if you know what I mean.”
I nodded slowly.
She rolled her eyes. “You don’t know what I mean, do you?”
I shook my head.
She leaned back in her chair, propping her socked feet onto her desk as she continued to fiddle with her Walkman. “If you’re not really turned on, then you might not be wet enough, and there is nothing worse than dry sex your first time, or any time, but definitely not your first time.”
“Are you wet for me, Gabby?”
I was embarrassingly na?ve and inexperienced. Until Olivia mentioned being wet, I wasn’t sure what Matt meant. Apparently, I wasn’t that wet, or surely I would have felt it between my legs, like starting my period.
“Hypothetically, how wet is wet?” I asked.
She snorted. “I don’t know. If your underwear is a little wet, then you’re definitely good to go. Like, you know when you touch yourself and your fingers get really coated? That’s where you want to be.”
I blinked one too many times, which caused Olivia to gape at me in shock again.
“Stop! You’re totally joking, right? Gabby, you’ve masturbated, haven’t you?”
I swallowed hard.
She cupped a hand over her mouth and mumbled, “Oh, my god.”
I blushed, biting my lips together.
“No wonder you’re still a virgin. You have no idea how amazing it feels to orgasm. Gabriella! Ahh!”
I cringed, pressing my finger to my lips so she didn’t alert the entire floor.
Olivia hopped out of her chair and grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. “You have to touch yourself! You are totally missing out on the best feeling in the world! ”
She released me and hugged her body in an oddly seductive way. “Gabby, why do you think people have so much sex? It’s not to make babies. I mean, sure, that can happen too. But there are over five billion people in the world because sex is that good, not because everyone is dying to change dirty diapers. And the songs … all the good songs are about sex. Books. Paintings. Sculptures.”
I thought about Ben telling me he’d had sex over thirty times. Then I thought about my sisters talking about it like a drug they couldn’t quit.
“But you said the first time is the worst.”
She collapsed into her chair again. “Well, yes. It’s not great. Definitely try to orgasm before he penetrates you. It’s still going to hurt, but each time it gets better until you crave it, and it’s all you can think about.”
That was a lot to consider on top of my guilt and the ache in my chest from Ben.