Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
GUNS N’ ROSES, “PATIENCE”
Ben
It felt like someone had the TV set to the lowest volume. I could hear sound, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. And when someone yelled at me, I could sometimes decipher a word or two beyond the ringing, but that was it. And even then, it felt like a guess.
After I was discharged from the hospital, my parents drove me in a rental car to my dorm. Their mouths moved, and I heard faint muffled sounds, but I couldn’t make out a single word. Mom would occasionally glance back at me and smile.
“Turn on the radio,” I said.
Dad eyed me in the rearview mirror as Mom leaned forward and turned on the radio.
“Turn it up.”
She looked back at me as she turned the volume knob. Their faces tightened, and I could tell they thought it was loud.
The rhythmic beat and vibration of the back speakers felt good, and I wanted to hold on to that feeling like an anchor because my world was drifting into the unknown. Then mom shook her head and twisted the knob. The vibration and the beat disappeared.
“Turn it back on.”
She said something.
I narrowed my eyes. She grabbed the pad of paper and wrote on it.
It is on and it’s loud. If I turn it any louder it will hurt our ears.
I stared at the paper, then leaned my head back and closed my eyes.
When we got to the dorms, I led them to the stairs, but Mom nodded toward the elevator.
I shook my head and took the stairs, but I only made it up one flight before I felt dizzy and on the verge of collapsing, so I sat down.
Dad helped me up and through the door to the elevators on the second floor. Just as the door dinged, mom touched my arm and pointed to my left at Gabby coming out of her dorm room with her backpack on over her red wool jacket.
She stared at me for a few seconds, redness filling her eyes. Then her ChapStick glossed lips pulled into a tiny grin as she walked toward me, lifting onto her toes to hug me. She smelled like flowers and vanilla. No sooner did her arms wrap around me, she let go and mouthed something to my parents.
Did they tell her I was weak?
My dad held open the doors to the elevator as Gabby and my mom had an exchange. Then Gabby waved at me before heading to the stairs.
“Where are you going?” I called, feeling desperate. We were there to pack up my things and drive back to Missouri. Was that our goodbye?
Mom pressed a finger to her lips. I was tired of people either holding their hands at their ears because I wasn’t talking loud enough or shushing me for being too loud.
Gabby’s gaze flitted between the three of us, but my parents pulled me into the elevator.
“Gabby!” I called.
Mom rubbed my arm.
After we reached my floor, my dad unlocked my room with the key Jason dropped off at the hospital, along with clothes a few days earlier.
There was a tap on my shoulder. I turned and smiled at Gabby. She handed me a piece of lined paper.
I have class. I’ll be back as soon as it’s over. Your parents said they’d wait to leave. XO
XO. I liked XO.
She turned to head back toward the door, and I grabbed her arm to bring her back so I could hug her again. Was I weak? Hell yeah. I was dying to sit down. But I only had a little time left with my best friend.
After a second of hesitation, she wrapped her arms around my torso and rested her cheek on my chest. It wasn’t how things were supposed to go. I kissed her in the stairwell, and she kissed me back.
Not a practice kiss. A real kiss.
I thought she’d take some time to see that the man who loved her the most had been right in front of her all along. But I no longer felt like that person or a man at all. I felt like a boy going home with his parents, no hearing, no future, and no best friend.
Matt would step in and sweep her off her feet.
Gabby released me, but I didn’t want to let her go. Her hands slid up to my scruffy face, and she framed it, giving me her beautiful smile. Then she lifted onto her toes and kissed my cheek, letting her lips linger for more than a second. I grabbed her wrists to keep her there just a little longer. Then I let her go.
That was our painful destiny. Me letting her go.
* * *
After my parents loaded my stuff, I told them I was waiting for not only Gabby but Jason, too. I didn’t want to leave without thanking him for being there for me. So while I sat on the empty mattress staring at the door, my parents walked around the campus to take in the fall foliage. October in Michigan was a sight to see.
Way over two hours after Gabby headed to class, the door opened and I perked up only to deflate with disappointment when Jason dropped his bag onto the floor. But then Gabby walked in behind him.
I stood and smiled while handing Jason the note I wrote him. “I wasn’t sure I’d get to see you before leaving, so I wrote you a note.”
He nodded and read it.
Hi. I guess I’m deaf for now, so as you know I’m going back to Missouri. Thanks for being an awesome roommate and not letting me die.
Jason grinned. He turned the paper over and wrote a note back to me.
Thanks for not dying. That would have looked bad on a job resume. I hope you get your hearing back and return next semester.
I nodded.
He patted me on the shoulder and said something to Gabby. She grinned and said something back. I hated not being able to make out actual words or read their lips. After stuffing a few books into his backpack, he slung it over one shoulder and gave me a hug before leaving.
Gabby grabbed my notebook and sat down on the mattress. I sat next to her as she wrote:
I was waiting outside of your room for 45 minutes after knocking until my knuckles bruised. I guess you forgot you can’t hear and your door was locked.
Shit.
I cringed. “Sorry. I heard something, but I thought it was the guys next door playing loud music.”
Gabby’s nose wrinkled before she nodded and scribbled on the paper.
Where’s my note?
“You don’t get one. Am I talking too loud or too soft?”
She shook her head.
“Will you do me a favor?”
She nodded.
“Let me braid your hair?”
Tears filled her eyes like they did earlier, but she held them in and sat on the floor in front of me. I braided her hair, loosely ran my fingers through it to undo the braid, and did it again. I repeated this, relishing the way she melted into my touch, missing the sound of her humming like a cat purring. Occasionally, she’d touch her face, and I knew she was wiping tears.
Finally, she turned toward me on her knees with puffy eyes and a somber expression.
“Why the tears?” I asked.
She shook her head.
I framed her face with my hands. “Why the tears, Gabriella?”
Again, she shook her head.
I ducked my head, stopping a breath from her lips; she didn’t move away, so I kissed her. In the next breath, she jumped up and turned away from me.
My parents were back.
I stood, ignoring my mom’s scrutinizing gaze. Yes, I kissed Pastor Jacobson’s daughter. Yes, I kissed my best friend. Yes, I was miserable that everything that mattered to me was gone or about to be hundreds of miles away from me.
I was weak, deaf, and futureless.
Mom wrote Ready? on a sheet of paper.
Ready wasn’t the right word for what I was feeling. I nodded anyway.
Gabby held out her hand, and I took it as we followed my parents to the elevator. When we reached the parking lot, words I couldn’t hear were exchanged between Gabby and my parents. After they slid into the car, she hugged me again. I kissed the top of her head over and over.
She leaned back to see my face and mouthed a clear, “I’m sorry.”
I shook my head.
She rested her hands on my chest and her two index fingers came together to draw a heart. I wanted to say “I love you,” but why? I had nothing to offer her. I took her hands and pressed them to my cheeks one last time, closing my eyes and turning right, then left, to kiss her palms. Then, after one last hug, I opened the door and slid into the back seat.
Gabby put her hand on the outside of the window, and I pressed mine to the inside.
Panic raced through my body—panic over forgetting the sound of her voice, her giggles, and the way she called me by my full name when she was feeling goofy. She said the first part really slowly. “Buh-innn”—followed by a quick—“jamin.” I berated myself for wishing she’d shut up about Matt. If only I would have known how much I needed to cherish every word that left her beautiful mouth.