Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
brEATHE, “HANDS TO HEAVEN”
Gabby
“Gabby, I’m sorry,” Ben repeated multiple times on the way to his house, but I ignored him.
As soon as I shut off the engine, I retrieved his bags from the back, and carried them inside while he followed me. I looked around for his parents.
“They’re gone. Tillie had an appointment, and they were going to lunch,” he said.
I turned and relaxed my hands, letting the bags fall to the ground. Then I shrugged, just like he had done to me all day, and started to brush past him to go home.
Ben grabbed my wrist. “I should have broken up with Susie. In the eighth grade, when Michelle said you liked me as more than a friend, I should have broken up with Susie.”
I closed my eyes.
“Maybe it would have changed the trajectory of my life. I wouldn’t have had to be your best friend while you fell for other guys. I missed my chance, and I was too scared to ask for a second one. So I stood in Matt’s shadow. I watched you fall for everyone but me. And I told myself that someday, I would be everything you wanted and more.” He laughed. “For every dream you’ve had about Matt Cory, I’ve had a million more about you. And now I’m nothing. Less than nothing. You deserve something .”
Ben didn’t play fairly. Why couldn’t he let me stay mad at him? He didn’t deserve my sympathy. I wasn’t sure he even wanted it. My brain struggled to sync with my heart. One thought I should love Matt Cory, the other knew I loved Benjamin Ashford.
I pulled out the pad of paper and pen. Ben plucked them from my hands and tossed them aside. When I gave him a confused look, he shook his head.
“I don’t want to talk.”
I shifted my focus from the discarded notepad to his face. With anguish in his eyes, he tilted his head and lowered to kiss me. We were so good at kissing each other. That was my talent.
He dragged his lips toward my ear. “Let’s go upstairs,” he whispered.
I was too intoxicated from that one kiss to think of a reason not to go with him. He took my hand and gathered the bags with his other hand. Then he led the way, closing his bedroom door behind us. In the next breath, he kissed me again, holding my face and retreating toward his bed, kicking Legos out of our way.
He pulled me on top of him, as his back hit the mattress, and gripped my legs to straddle him as we kissed a little deeper.
“Can I remove your shirt?” he whispered.
My hair brushed his face as I hovered above him and nodded. He pulled it over my head and tossed it onto the floor. My breaths quickened as he teased his fingertips along my back. He started to unhook my bra, and I shook my head. So he kissed me instead while his hand cupped my breast over the bra.
It felt good. Too good.
He broke the kiss again and teased my earlobe with his teeth. “Can I take off your pants? We’ll leave your underwear on.”
I swallowed hard before trying to slide his shirt up his torso. He grabbed the hem and shrugged it off. I sat up and stared at his chest as he used both hands to cup my breasts, thumbs brushing along the soft material over my nipples. My heart raced, and my mind swam with confusion because I knew it was wrong, but it felt so good. His hands drifted to my hips, guiding me to rub myself against his erection. It was good, but I wanted a little more.
When we did it over Thanksgiving, he had on his gray sweatpants and I had on leggings. This time, we both had on jeans, so I climbed off him and started to remove mine while eyeing him and rubbing my shaky lips together. Ben scanned me from head to toe and relinquished a tiny grin.
Standing next to his bed, I nodded toward his jeans.
“You want them off?”
I nodded, feeling a full-body blush spread along my skin.
“Just my jeans?”
Again, I nodded.
Ben removed them, and I stared at his erection straining against his briefs. He guided me to straddle him again.
Oh my gosh …
Two layers of cotton between us wasn’t much. I could feel the heat between us as I leaned forward to kiss him. His hands tangled in my hair as our tongues shared space. I hummed and he lifted his hips. I wasn’t sure if it was in response to feeling me hum, but when I did it again, he repeated his tiny thrust. It was better than Thanksgiving because I knew what to expect, and right or wrong, I couldn’t wait to experience another orgasm. That’s when I realized I was doing exactly what Olivia said. I was grinding against him.
With one hand on my butt and his other pressed to the mattress, he rolled us so I was on the bottom.
“Slide your hand down the back of my underwear,” he whispered in my ear before kissing and sucking the sensitive skin along my neck. His beard kind of tickled.
I hesitated, resting my hand on his lower back for several seconds before slowly sliding it beneath his waistband. As I curled my fingers into his taut flesh, he groaned and squeezed his butt muscles on a hard thrust.
My eyes drifted shut because his erection rubbing against me felt so good. Ben rocked into me over and over before lifting his head and shoving my bra over my breasts.
I gasped, feeling exposed and insecure, but he quickly sucked one of my nipples into his mouth. There were no words to describe all the sensations firing along my skin and into the most intimate places.
Why did something that felt so good have to be a sin?
“You’re beautiful and perfect, Gabriella,” he murmured over my lips before kissing me. When he released my mouth, he continued, “Don’t ever let any man make you think otherwise.”
Other man?
I was nearly naked with the person who I trusted more than any other human. Why was he imagining me with anyone but him?
I clawed at his back, and when his hips shifted a fraction, I felt him—the head of his erection brushing the top of my inner thigh. It was no longer completely covered by his briefs.
Oh, God …
Not only was he exposed, my panties were bunched up and only partially covering me.
And then it happened. I felt his warm, wet flesh touch mine. My breath caught and he groaned, stopping for a few breaths and lifting his head to look into my eyes. His lips parted, eyelids heavy with slow blinks, as he ever so slowly moved a fraction of an inch, touching me in the most arousing way. I thought I might die, feeling him inside the crotch of my panties. It was wrong— so wrong. But I felt certain damnation was worth it because nothing had ever felt so good.
Ben made tiny movements, stroking my bare flesh with his as we gazed into each other’s eyes.
“Do you like that?” he whispered before softly kissing my lips.
I returned a tiny nod and felt him grin against my mouth.
“Do you want me to stop?”
I shook my head and accidentally moved my hips just enough that the head of his erection slid down instead of up.
He froze.
I froze.
It was there. Right. There.
“I can stop,” he said with tension to his voice.
Stopping was the smart thing to do. But I was on holiday break and so was my common sense and fear of God.
When I didn’t answer, Ben pushed down the front of his briefs, grabbed himself, and stroked me over and over until I was breathless, coming apart, and whispering “oh, oh, oh” over and over as I orgasmed. Then, just like he kissed me for the first time without warning, he pressed his erection inside of me.
I gasped, arching my back, as the waves of my orgasm started to subside.
“I’ll stop if it hurts too much,” he said then kissed my neck. “Okay?”
I nodded quickly and threaded my fingers through his hair. It didn’t hurt yet. All I felt was a clash of nerves and excitement mixed with a little fear. Ben moved slowly, each time pushing into me a little deeper. It felt good at first, but then it started to hurt. And maybe it would have hurt more with anyone else, even Matt. But love won.
I loved my best friend, and there was no one else I wanted more than him. And even if it wasn’t okay in God’s eyes or anyone else’s, feeling Ben inside of me, whispering such beautiful things in my ear, was by far the greatest moment of my life.
He made me feel beautiful.
Desired.
Cherished.
And I felt like a woman in every sense of the word.
“I love you,” I said.
Even if he couldn’t hear me, I hoped he felt my love. I closed my eyes and focused on that love more than the pain that came with a rite of passage.
He moved a little faster, and I bit my lip. It hurt, but it wasn’t awful. Nothing with Ben could ever be awful. He drew back, pulling out of me.
I looked at his tense face for a second before dropping my gaze to his hand as he stroked himself. What was happening?
Oh … my gosh.
He orgasmed on my stomach. My mind reeled. Why did he do that?
Then on a long exhale, he collapsed beside me. I didn’t move. How could I? His stuff was on me.
“Gabby …” he mumbled. “God, that was good.”
After a few breaths, he leaned over the edge of the bed and grabbed his T-shirt, then he used it to clean up the mess on me.
“I don’t think we need a baby.” He gave me a sheepish grin.
I pressed my lips together and nodded before rolling out of bed to retrieve my clothes from the floor. Then I peeked into the hallway. When I didn’t see or hear anyone, I made a mad dash for the bathroom.
After cleaning up, dressing, and fixing my hair, I returned to his room. Ben was back in his jeans and a clean shirt, sitting on the edge of his bed. The anguish on his face pierced my heart.
I sat at his desk and wrote him a note.
That’s not the look I expected. You sure know how to make a girl feel like a regret.
Ben offered a barely believable smile. “I would never regret being with you.”
Then what’s wrong?
He furrowed his brow. “I’m not him.”
“Who?” I signed with a shrug.
“Matt.”
I frowned.
“Be honest.” He eyed me. “Can you say he’s no longer the man of your dreams?”
Matt and I are just friends.
“Yeah?” He laughed. “We were just friends too.”
I set the pen and paper aside then straddled Ben’s lap, wrapping my arms around his neck.
“I have nothing to offer you.” He broke my heart with those six words.
Where was my confident friend?
I pecked at his lips, keeping my eyes open. Then I sucked on his bottom lip, teasing it with my teeth.
Ben pulled away, but not without relinquishing a grin. “Did it hurt?”
I twisted my lips and shrugged while holding my thumb and index finger an inch apart.
“I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. Ben released a long sigh with worry lines on his forehead and indecision in his eyes. Why the agony? I took off my clothes. I did the thing. Eve would be proud. So why did Ben look tortured? What else could I have done, short of becoming Jesus and healing his body?
“I’m so confused, Gabby. I feel lost and angry. My mom calls it the stages of grief because a part of me feels lost forever. But I’m not dead, so why can’t I see the light? Every tiny piece of joy or reprieve is temporary. It’s like I’m falling and hitting branches of a tree that slow my descent, but only temporarily before I fall again. Rock bottom feels inevitable. The gravity of what has happened is stronger than anything or anyone. And I …” He shook his head.
I opened my mouth to speak, but clamped it shut and slid off his lap to write him a message. Losing his hearing made me second-guess everything. There was no spontaneity, no saying the first thing that popped into my head. Every thought filtered through my mind, assaulted by doubt, a victim of overthinking.
I’m sorry you feel so lost. I can only imagine. What do you need?
Since he lost it with me over Thanksgiving, I tried to keep my concerns solely on him and not make anything seem like it was about me, even though I felt desperate for reassurance that we didn’t just destroy our friendship by crossing a line.
Ben slowly shook his head. Of course, he didn’t know what he needed. Had he known, he would have already been doing it.
“Go back to school and forget about me.”
My head reared back. “What?”
I can’t forget about you. We just had sex!
Ben read the note with no expression, no emotion. Maybe having sex over thirty times with multiple women made him calloused to it, like just another daily activity. Nothing special.
My heart deflated.
“Who wants to have sex with a deaf guy who plays with Legos all day?”
I pointed to myself like “Me. Duh!”
Ben’s face screwed in disapproval. “Set your standards higher.”
What if I’m pregnant?
Lines formed along his forehead. “Unlikely. I pulled out.”
But not impossible.
Ben shook his head. “Take a test if you need peace of mind.”
I didn’t think I was pregnant, but I was upset that he wouldn’t even consider it. Didn’t he need peace of mind?
I signed, “I love you.”
He eyed me so I wrote:
I love you.
Then I made the sign again with my thumb, index, and pinky finger out. Mr. Grumpy didn’t make any effort to even try, so I grabbed his hand and bent his fingers to make the sign that was a combination of I, L, and Y.
Why say so many nice things to me when I let you touch my body, but afterward you act like a grump?
“Because you’re a branch, slowing my fall. But then it’s over, and gravity wins again. That’s why I want you to go back to school and forget about me. Don’t let me bring you down. Don’t let me break you.”
I heard a door shut downstairs.
Your parents are home. That was close. I should go. I need to wrap presents. Do you want me to take your gifts to my house and wrap them for you?
“Yes. Deaf people can’t wrap presents.”
I wadded up the paper and threw it at him, but not in a playful way. Then I stood and headed right to his door.
“Gabby!” He lunged for me, hooking his arm around my waist and pulling my back to his chest. “I’m sorry,” he murmured in my ear. “I’m just …” He sighed. “Sorry.”
What was he sorry for? It felt as if he threw that word around like shoving all his Legos under the bed and calling his room clean. It wasn’t clean. And a generic sorry didn’t mean anything to me after what we did in his bed. Maybe sex wasn’t a big deal to him, but it was to me. I peeled his hands from my waist and headed downstairs.
“Hey, Gabby!” Carmen chirped as she and Tillie carried grocery bags toward the kitchen. “Did you two get all of your shopping done?”
“I think so.” I threaded my arms through my jacket.
She returned to the entry and untied her gray scarf. “Thanks for making him get out of the house. Did everything go okay at the mall?” She draped her scarf over a coat hook.
“Mm hmm.” I smiled as if he didn’t scare the life out of me.
“Well, we’ll probably see you at the Christmas pageant. But if not, have a Merry Christmas.”
“Thanks. I might come by on Christmas to give Ben his gift.”
“Oh,” she stepped closer and whispered, “what did you get him?”
“I bought him a journal and an old fountain pen. Since he won’t write back to me, I thought he could write down his feelings in a journal.”
“That would be nice. I’m sure he’ll love it.”
I was glad she felt so confident because I had no confidence since sex only kept his spirits up for ten seconds.