Chapter 28
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
WHAM!, “LAST CHRISTMAS”
Ben
What did you get Gabby for Christmas?
Tillie slid the small dry erase board to me in the back seat of the car on our way to church for a Christmas Eve pageant. Mom thought the dry erase board was a great idea. My dad suggested I get a rope and tie it around my neck, but I declined that suggestion.
“Nothing,” I said.
Mom glanced back at me, eyes narrowed.
“Tillie asked what I got Gabby for Christmas.”
Mom held out her hand for the board and marker. Tillie handed them to her while shooting me a tight-lipped grin and wide eyes as if I were in trouble.
Gabby got you something. It’s not expensive. I just don’t want you to be caught off guard when she gives it to you.
Fantastic.
“What did she get me?”
Mom grinned, making a lock and key gesture at her mouth.
“I can’t hear you. And I suck at reading lips. So just say it. If I know what you’re saying, we’ll call it a Christmas miracle.”
Dad’s shoulders bounced with laughter.
Mom said something and glanced back at Tillie who smiled and eyed me.
“Jack-in-the-box?” I asked.
Mom laughed and shook her head.
“Hula hoop? Legos? Pine cones?”
Everyone laughed. I imagined it sounded nice.
“Hearing aids?”
The laughter died.
“Oh, come on. That was a good one,” I said.
She got you Madonna’s new album
Tillie smirked after writing her guess.
I rolled my eyes and grinned.
Mom read it and gave Tillie an uneasy look.
“It’s funny,” I said to my mom so she wouldn’t be mad at Tillie.
A Walkman
Tillie covered her mouth to hide her grin after her second guess.
Mom faced forward, no longer caring to participate in our form of humor. Tillie took the board and angled away from me so I couldn’t see what she was writing. She bit her lip as if she wasn’t sure if she should do whatever she was doing.
I tried to peek, and she hugged it to her chest.
After a good minute or more, she handed the board to me, facing it away so Mom couldn’t see it.
She’s getting you more condoms because you had SEX! I took out the trash yesterday because you forgot to do it, and I saw the note in your waste bin.
I felt Tillie watching me as I read her message twice. Then I lifted my gaze to hers. She wasn’t a tattletale like most younger siblings because she had too many secrets that I’d kept for her. So I shouldn’t have needed to press my index finger to my lips, but I did anyway. She rolled her lips between her teeth, and I took that as a sign that my secret was safe with her.
When we arrived at the church, Mom grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as we stepped through the doors. A young girl in a black and red dress handed us a program.
Tillie nudged me with her elbow and nodded to our right where Gabby floated toward us in a green velvet dress, pantyhose and black shoes. She grinned at the last second before wrapping her arms around my neck. I stiffened.
It felt like everyone knew we had sex, but how would they have known? Gabby and I had been friends forever, and hugging was normal for us. But this hug was different, even if no one else noticed. It lasted a little longer, and she released me a little slower, purposefully brushing her lips along my ear and the angle of my jaw.
She smelled like cherry ChapStick and vanilla lotion. Sweet and sexy.
“You look nice,” I said, sliding my hands into my front pockets as she took a step back. I wanted to say beautiful, but that might have turned a few heads.
Gabby blushed, knowing my “nice” meant more. She brought her fingers to her lips and extended her arm out and down while mouthing, “Thank you.” Her signing didn’t bother me that night because I knew she wasn’t trying to teach me anything.
Mom tugged on my sleeve. I glanced behind me, and she nodded toward the sanctuary.
I followed her, weaving our way into the lineup of people filing down the aisle to find seats. A warm hand touched mine. I looked down as Gabby hooked her index finger around my pinky. She wore a conspiratorial grin.
“Are you sitting with me?”
She nodded.
The church was packed so we were crammed into the pew like sardines. I leaned forward to remove my leather jacket. My mom helped me get my arms out in the crammed quarters, and I rested it over my lap. Gabby slid it so that part of it rested on hers too. Then she and everyone else bowed their heads for prayer. Before I closed my eyes, I spied Matt Cory in the front row, sandwiched between his mom and older brother. Gabby didn’t mention the Cory family spending Christmas with hers.
She slid her hand into mine under the jacket and laced her fingers with mine, so I closed my eyes.
After prayer, she stretched out her fingers to flatten my hand, palm up. Then she used her finger to draw on it. After a few seconds, I realized she was trying to draw letters. I closed my eyes to focus.
I L O V E Y O U
I curled my fingers through hers again and squeezed her hand, but I didn’t open my eyes because my stupid emotions got the best of me. My mind scrambled to make plans. What could I do to be the man she deserved? If I wasn’t going to be a conductor, maybe I could be an accountant and sit in an office by myself, feeding numbers into a calculator. It would be a soulless job, but if Gabby were mine, who cared? Of course, I’d have to go back to college, learn sign language, make sure everyone knew I was deaf. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her on the phone. If she needed me, too bad. She’d have to come find me. Would I hear her knock on my door? Of course not. I’d be pretty useless at protecting her and being there for her.
However, there was a perfectly capable guy in the front of the church who could give her everything.
Gabby glanced at me when I released her hand and rubbed my face. Every time I tried to imagine a life without hearing, my heart raced, I became restless like I was crawling out of my skin, and I started to sweat.
We were too close. Everything was too close. Too packed in. Too suffocating.
I pulled at my ears and pursed my lips to slow my breathing, but nothing helped. I needed out. With a shaky hand, I grabbed the back of the pew in front of me and stood, wedging my way past legs and purses on the floor. Then I ran out of the church, gasping for air as I tipped my head back and fisted my shirt over my heart.
Warm arms wrapped around me from behind. I knew it was Gabby, but I didn’t want her there, seeing me lose my shit.
“Just go, Gabby.” I fought for my next breath. “I … I can’t do this. Go inside. Go b-back to school. Go be with Matt. I can’t be what you need. Don’t ask me to try. I can’t. I’m … I’m fucked-up. Just go.”
She stepped around in front of me and reached for my face, but I batted her hands away.
“Go! No. I don’t want this for you.” I shook my head and stepped back to keep her from touching me.
She slid her hands along her sides, like she had pockets, but she didn’t.
No pockets.
No notepad.
No pen.
“I know you love me.” I swallowed hard because I didn’t want to cry in front of her. My inability to hold myself together was emasculating enough. “I know. And I love you too. But it’s not enough. I would hate myself for disappointing you.”
She shook her head over and over, stepping toward me.
“No!” I held up my hands. “I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. Life is unfair.” I paced back and forth, trying to expend some energy from all the nerves in my body that felt like they were misfiring. “It’s … it’s cruel. And love doesn’t conquer everything. Not this. I’m sorry. I want it too. I do. But I also want to rewind my life so I can do something to not get sick. And I want to hear again. I want to feel normal. But I don’t.” I wiped my eyes, angry that my emotions were stronger than my will not to cry in front of her.
“I don’t feel normal, Gabby. I will never feel that way again. I will never stop hating my life and hating myself for being so weak when other people who have been through far worse are brave and resilient. You deserve a strong person who will protect you, who you can call if you need them, who will hear you if you yell fire or help or rape! But that’s not me. I’m too fucking weak!” I bent over, resting my hands on my legs, then I slowly dropped to my knees.
While I shook with emotion, I readied myself for Gabby’s touch, and when I felt it, I dropped my hands and batted her away again, only it wasn’t her. It was my mom, and Gabby was nowhere in sight.
“I don’t want this life,” I said, but I couldn’t tell if she heard me because I didn’t try to say it aloud.
As tears filled her eyes and spilled over with a single blink, I knew she heard me. I was twice as big as my mom, but the second she kneeled in front of me and wrapped her arms around my neck, I fell apart in her embrace.