Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
EARTHA KITT, “SANTA BABY”
Gabby
Eve and Kyle spent Christmas with his family, so Matt’s parents stayed in her bedroom. Matt slept in Sarah’s room with Isaac, and Sarah slept with me because my parents wouldn’t let Isaac and Sarah sleep in the same bed, even though they lived together.
“You were going to have sex with Matt? For real?” Sarah asked the second I turned off the light and slid into bed.
I didn’t want to talk. After Ben ran out of the church and said what he did, I felt crushed. It took everything I had to keep it together, so no one suspected anything. With the Cory family staying and it being Christmas Eve, I didn’t want to bleed out in front of everyone. But it was hard because I felt every beat of my heart, heaving and aching in my chest.
“What?” I bought myself time.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Don’t lie to me, young lady.”
For the first time since Ben ran out of the church just hours earlier, I found a tiny smile. “You sound like Mom.”
She nudged my leg with hers. “Just tell me.”
“I didn’t sleep with him.” I nudged her back.
“But you were going to?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Gabriella.” Sarah rolled toward me, but I kept my gaze on the ceiling.
“Yes.” I sighed. “I thought about it. Okay? I considered it. But I didn’t, and I’m not going to, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Why? Why would you even consider it?”
“You’re one to talk. You totally couldn’t wait to get rid of your virginity.”
“Yes, Gabby. But you always wanted to wait until marriage. Did Matt pressure you?”
“What?” I rolled my head toward her. “No! Of course not. What did he say?”
She tucked her hands under her cheek. “After the program tonight, people were chattering about Ben running out and you following him. Matt told Isaac that you liked Ben a lot. Isaac said you and Ben were best friends, and Matt mumbled you were more than friends. So Isaac pressed him as to why he thought that, and he said you two were messing around and you said Ben’s name instead of Matt’s.”
I opened my mouth to tell her it meant nothing, but that was a lie. “Well, it doesn’t matter if I like Ben because he wants nothing to do with me.” I nearly choked on the last few words.
“What do you mean? Like he doesn’t want to be friends or just more than friends?”
The pillow absorbed my first tear. “I don’t know. He’s just so miserable, and he doesn’t want my help. His mom keeps telling me to give him time, but it’s been months. I feel like he’s stuck, but he doesn’t want help. Like he had one dream, and anything else is equivalent to death.”
“I can only imagine. It’s going to take time, Gabby.”
“Time? It’s been months.”
“Yeah, but he spent nearly nineteen years with the ability to hear, so accepting his new lot in life will take longer than a few months. He’s grieving something really big. It has to suck.”
“He won’t let me grieve with him. He keeps pushing me away.”
“Gabbs, grieving isn’t a group sport. It’s the most personal emotion a human is capable of feeling. If you dropped ten vases from the exact same distance onto the same floor, they would all break differently. One or two might not break at all or just have a chip out of them. But no two would have the same number of pieces. No two would be put back together in the same way. No one knows exactly what Ben is feeling or how long it will take for him to feel pieced back together. And you can’t do it. Nobody can put Ben back together except Ben. You’ll only get cut if you try to fix him.”
After a few seconds of not knowing how to respond and letting her words play in my mind, I whispered, “I got cut tonight.”
“I’m sorry.” She rested a hand on the side of my head, her palm touching my cheek. “But don’t sleep with Matt.”
I knew she was trying to lighten the mood, but it only made me more emotional.
All the tears came at once, and a tiny sob broke free.
“Oh, Gabbs …”
“I s-slept with Ben.”
She hugged me.
“But d-don’t t-tell anyone.”
* * *
After a restless night, I woke a little before five on Christmas morning. My eyes were still swollen from crying, and my mouth was dry. Sarah must not have slept well either because she wasn’t in bed. I wrapped up in my terry-cloth robe and tiptoed down the stairs. The second I turned the corner, I covered my mouth to silence my gasp, then jumped back to hide. I should have turned around and bolted back up the stairs. It’s what God wanted me to do. Even if I sometimes ignored my moral compass, I still had one. And it was Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ. All arrows pointed upstairs.
But that stupid little pitch-forked demon on my shoulder convinced me to slowly peek around the corner again. It was so wrong.
The family room was dim sans the soft glow of the Christmas tree lights. Dad unplugged them every night. Except on Christmas Eve, he left them on all night so we’d come downstairs to a lit-up room with presents under the tree. Sarah was on the sofa, partially reclined. Her night shirt was bunched up above her breasts, leaving the rest of her naked and exposed. Isaac had on a pair of gray sweatpants, no shirt, and he was kneeling on the floor, gripping her inner thighs while his head was between her spread legs.
She arched her back and pulled at his hair with one hand while her other hand clawed at the couch cushion. “Oh my god, baby … yesss,” she softly moaned.
Something or someone (perhaps the Holy Spirit) screamed for me to go back upstairs. I had no business watching them, but I could not turn away.
Isaac kissed his way up her body, camping out at her breasts as he slid his sweats and briefs just past his butt. He had a nice butt, firm and defined like Ben’s. Isaac kissed Sarah hard and they moaned together as he thrust into her. It wasn’t like Ben slowly working into me a fraction at a time. No. Isaac showed my sister no mercy as he rammed into her over and over, but she seemed to like it. And I suddenly wanted nothing more than a do-over. I wanted to have Ben do to me exactly what Isaac was doing to Sarah.
My body heated and I swallowed hard. I was turned on. Ick … why was I turned on by watching my sister have sex? That was so messed up, so I bolted upstairs as quickly and quietly as possible and jumped back into bed.
I considered everything and concluded that if Ben and I had that kind of sex, he would realize there was more to life than mourning the loss of his hearing. Right?
Less than ten minutes later, Sarah crept back into my bedroom and eased into bed. With my back to her and breath held, I remained completely still. I told myself to just relax and try to go back to sleep, but I was still thirsty, and there was no way I could sleep after watching them. So I rolled toward her.
I leaned closer to see her face in the dark room. She had her eyes closed and a content smile on her face.
“I know you’re awake,” I whispered.
Sarah opened one eye. “Sorry. I just had to use the bathroom. Go back to sleep.”
“Liar. I was thirsty, so I went downstairs for a glass of water. Want to know what I saw?”
Sarah pulled the sheet over her head. “Gabriella, please don’t say another word.”
I tucked my pillow under my head so it was propped up a little. What did she think I was going to say? For a few seconds, I thought about it.
“If that’s all he got you for Christmas, you need a better boyfriend.”
Sarah snorted, kicking her feet to roll away from me. “Stop!” She giggled.
For a minute or more, I bit my tongue and held still. Sarah probably felt relieved that I stopped talking. She might have even asked God to make me go back to sleep.
“Oral sex must be pretty great, huh?”
“Gabby!” she hissed, rolling toward me and pressing her fingers to my lips. “Stop talking. We are never talking about this. It didn’t happen. Okay?”
I pulled away and batted at her hand. “Eve would talk about it.”
Sarah sighed. “What?” she asked in exasperation. “What do you want to know? I thought you had sex with Ben.”
“I did, but not oral sex.”
“Good. Don’t. In fact, just stop having sex until you’re married. And stop talking about it.”
I bit my lip and nodded, but a few seconds later, I had more questions. “Which feels better? Oral or actual sex?”
“Ga-byyy!” She groaned, covering her face.
“Is it weird being kissed where you pee?”
“Stop!” She rolled partway on top of me and covered my mouth.
I pushed her off and we continued to giggle.
“What is going on?”
We jumped at Mom’s voice.
“Gabby farted and it stinks. I’m going to shower.” Sarah flew out of bed and straight into the bathroom.
“It’s 5:30 in the morning,” Mom said.
The bed dipped as she sat on the edge.
“I know. I didn’t sleep well. And I wasn’t farting.”
Mom rubbed my leg. “Did you have trouble sleeping because of Ben?”
Every ounce of giddiness I felt from my sex talk with Sarah died when my mom mentioned Ben’s name.
“I’m sure it wasn’t fun watching the program last night when he couldn’t hear it,” she said.
I didn’t know what triggered Ben’s response, but I doubted the program caused it. Every time we were together, I felt a powerful push and pull from him, like he wanted me so much but also he didn’t want me, or he thought he shouldn’t want me.
“Ben thinks his life is over, and he doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone.” It wasn’t until the words came out like a generic excuse that I realized there had to be a lot of truth to them. If I tried to put myself in his shoes, that’s how I would have felt.
“Give it time,” Mom said, lying next to me, stroking my hair.
I was going back to school in less than two weeks. I didn’t have much time before I wouldn’t see or hear from him until spring break.