Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
CHER, “IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME”
Gabby
“Hey! Merry Christmas,” Matt said, coming out of the bathroom just as I opened my bedroom door.
“Why did you tell Isaac about that thing that happened between us?” I wasted no time with pleasantries.
Matt chuckled. “That thing?”
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t play dumb.”
“He’d been on my case about you, and no matter how hard I’d tried to convince him we’re just friends, he didn’t believe me. So when Ben’s name came up, I thought mentioning that thing might get my brother to back off.”
“Thanks.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “It was nice of you to sacrifice me so that Isaac doesn’t interrogate you. Now I’m the one getting grilled with questions from Sarah.”
“What did you tell her? Did you deny it?”
“I told her we didn’t sleep together, but then I told her I slept with Ben.” For some reason, I wanted no one to know about that because if my dad found out, he would be disappointed beyond words. On the other hand, I wanted to tell everyone because I felt different, like an adult who did adult things instead of a wannabe who didn’t have enough experience to sit at the grown-up table.
Matt scratched the back of his head and offered a smile that looked almost bashful. “Wow. Okay. Thanks for sharing that.”
Pressing my lips together, I pinched the bridge of my nose. Perhaps I wasn’t correct about what it meant to sit with the grown-ups. Thinking back to Sarah’s reaction to my questions, I backtracked and came to the brilliant conclusion that intimacy and privacy went hand in hand. My sister Eve was an outlier who loved talking openly about sex, but most normal people preferred to keep their intimacy private.
“Maybe forget I said that,” I mumbled.
“I’ll forget you said that if you forget about the bathroom incident the night Julianne and I broke up.”
I glanced up, and Matt scrunched his nose. “Deal.” I nodded.
“Thanks. And for what it’s worth, I’m happy for you and Ben. But I’m sorry he’s going through something so awful.”
“There is no Ben and me because he’s going through this, and he doesn’t want me as his girlfriend or even his friend. I don’t know.” With a deep, shaky breath, I willed myself to keep from crying.
Matt gave me a sad smile. “Sorry, Gabby. It’s his loss.”
Since having sex with Ben, I didn’t think Matt could make me blush. I thought the intimacy we shared erased the crush I had on Matt. But after Ben broke my heart less than twenty-four hours earlier, said heart clung to Matt’s words like a lifeline.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
I liked how Matt looked at me. It was honest and comforting, and I knew I would never regret crushing on him.
“If Ben’s the one, fight for him.”
“How do I know?” I averted my gaze. “I thought you were the one.”
“Then you said Ben’s name when that thing almost happened.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Stop smiling at each other. Put your dick back in your pants,” Isaac said, reaching the top of the stairs.
I blushed not only at his crude comment, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Sarah told him I saw them.
“It won’t fit. Some of us don’t have little pecker syndrome.” Matt smirked at Isaac.
“Uh … I need to shower,” I murmured, scurrying into the bathroom.
* * *
After breakfast and gift-opening where Isaac and Sarah watched Matt and me like we were going to strip and have sex right in front of everyone, I headed to Ben’s house to give him the journal and antique fountain pen.
“Merry Christmas, Gabriella,” Alan said, opening the door. “Come in.”
“Thanks. Merry Christmas. Here,” I handed him a plate of cookies, “my mom sent these.”
“They look amazing. Tell her thank you. I think Carmen has something for your family as well. So check with her before you leave. Tillie and Ben are in the back room playing darts.”
“Thanks.” I slipped off my shoes and hung up my coat before heading to the bonus family room at the back of the house that they added the winter before our graduation. There was a pool table, two leather sofas, and a big screen TV.
Tillie spied me first and smiled, but it wasn’t her usual exuberant smile. “Hey, Merry Christmas,” she said.
Ben threw a dart, then glanced over his shoulder. Tillie pinched his arm and pointed upstairs. Then she stopped on her way out of the room and handed me her darts. “You can finish for me.”
I nodded, giving her a smile, but she only managed a weak one in return. After setting the darts on the edge of the pool table, I handed the present to Ben and signed, “Merry Christmas.”
He stared at it. “I didn’t get you a gift,” he murmured without an ounce of regret to his words.
I shrugged, keeping my grin in place despite the uneasiness I felt from Tillie and him.
Ben tore open the paper and gave the journal and pen a brief inspection. “Thanks,” he said with no emotion.
I looked around and found a notepad and pen on the sofa’s arm.
I’m sorry I didn’t know the right thing to say or do last night. Are you feeling better today?
He read it and grunted. “Better? How would I feel better? I’m still deaf.”
Ben’s moods gave me whiplash. I set the pen and paper next to the darts and wrapped my arms around his torso, resting my cheek on his chest. He didn’t move. It was an awkward, one-sided hug. After squeezing him a little tighter, hoping for any sign of reciprocation, I sighed and released him. Emotion burned my eyes, but I kept it in check.
Please don’t treat me like this after what happened.
Ben stared at the note for a long time before lifting his gaze to mine. “What happened? You mean between us or between you and Matt?”
I narrowed my eyes.
He shook his head. “Don’t insult me by acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You were going to fuck him.”
I winced and shook my head again.
“Tillie overheard Matt and Isaac talking after the pageant. You were going to have sex with him, but he stopped it because you said my name. Which is unfortunate because now I’m sure he doesn’t want you, and neither do I, now that I know you had sex with me only after he rejected you.”
I swallowed hard.
“Cat got your tongue?” Ben wasn’t the person he used to be. Losing his hearing turned him into a bitter and cruel human.
My heart ached for many reasons, least of all was his loss of hearing. It was everything he lost in the process: his sense of decency, his manners, and his way in life.
I couldn’t save him, and that felt like its own death. My Ben was gone.
You’ve had sex over 30 times with multiple girls but I’m in the wrong for NOT having sex with the guy I’ve had a crush on for years because I said YOUR name? Please tell me you see the irony in this? THE HYPOCRISY!
Ben crumpled up the paper. I think he read it, but I wasn’t sure.
“We kissed. I had to drop out of school. And I was here dealing with it, and you decided it was a good time to sleep with Matt Fucking Cory?”
I scribbled so hard on the notepad, the tip of the pen poked a hole through the paper.
You wouldn’t write me back! I wrote you so many letters, but you sent me nothing!!!
“Sorry, I was a little busy dealing with my life being turned upside down. But it’s nice to know that if I don’t get back with you, you’ll crawl in someone else’s bed.”
I shoved him. Then I scribbled more angry words.
I said your name! I was with him but wishing it was you! I gave you my virginity. I gave you everything. And I want to be with you but you’re being a bully and a jerk and an ASSHOLE!
Ben eyed the note intently, jaw muscles twitching. “You’re right. I’m an asshole. A deaf asshole. So why the hell would you want to be with me?”
Tears raced down my cheeks, and I made no attempt to wipe them away. “Because,” I whispered and signed, “I love you.”
His eyes reddened while he kept his teeth clenched. I knew he’d rather die than break down in front of me twice in less than twenty-four hours. “Well, don’t waste your time loving me.” He shrugged, gazing over my shoulder like he couldn’t stand to look me in the eye anymore. “And if the day comes that I figure out how not to be such an asshole, maybe we can be friends again.” He forced his attention back to me. “But for now, go. Go back to school. Have sex with Matt. Pursue your dreams. Waiting around for me is an insult to both of us.”
My heart stopped. He stomped all over it, and I wasn’t sure it would beat again.
“You’re better than any dream I’ve ever had. And he was just a dream,” I said.
He narrowed his eyes in confusion.
“And I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out.”
Ben shook his head. “I can’t hear you.”
“And I can’t believe you think our friendship is so conditional and … disposable.” I finally wiped my face and sniffled. “So fuck you, Benjamin Ashford, for making me love you. You’re the world’s worst friend. And I will never forgive you for this.” I turned.
He grabbed my arm. “What did you say?”
I pulled away from him, wiping my face.
“Gabriella,” he said, dropping his gaze to the floor, “I love you so much, but I don’t know how to be with you when I feel worthless. And I’d rather you hate me now than later.” He lifted his gaze. “It’s not about Matt. It’s not about you. I’m a terrible person for pointing fingers and making excuses. It’s me, Gabbs. Just … let me go.”
His words were too little and too late. I headed to the front door without saying goodbye to anyone or checking with his mom about the gift for our family. My courage was on its last breath, and I needed to get out of there.