Chapter 41
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
WHITNEY HOUSTON, “THEGREATESTLOVEOFALL”
Gabby
Ben had no right telling my parents about the pregnancy. Even if it was his baby, too, it wasn’t his news to share with my parents. So much for holding my chin up and shoulders back to take responsibility like an adult. Ben made me look like a scared child.
He called five times over the following two days, and I hung up as soon as I heard his voice.
Late Wednesday afternoon, while I was trying to study for my psychology test, there was a knock at my door. Despite my anger toward Ben, I wanted it to be him.
“Mom,” I said on a gasp.
She hugged me without a word, and just like when Ben showed up unexpectedly, I broke down in tears and stated the thing that she already knew, “I’m pregnant.”
“I know,” she whispered, hugging me tighter.
It was hard to release her and look her in the eyes, but I did while wiping my tears. “Where’s Dad?” I asked, closing the door.
“Home.” She glanced around my room.
“I’m sorry Ben was the one who told you.” I sat on my bed and tucked my knees under a large T-shirt.
Mom returned a slight nod while looking out my window, arms hugging herself. She had a nervous disposition that felt like my own. “You didn’t have to keep it.”
I squinted. “The baby?”
She nodded, leaving me speechless.
“When you were almost twelve, I got pregnant.” She turned toward me, displaying a vulnerability I had never seen. “I was done raising babies. It felt like it was anything but a blessing, a gift from God. I felt weak and hopeless. And I just …” She shook her head. “I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t. ” She wiped a few tears. “So I took a bottle of pills. And I was gone for a few days. Your dad told you girls I was having some routine testing. And that was it. No baby.”
I cleared my throat. “You took the pills to kill the baby?”
Mom’s face tensed while she averted her gaze.
She took the pills to kill herself.
“Gabriella,” she sat next to me and squeezed my hand, “I know your dad preaches that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but … I don’t know if that’s true.”
She blew up my world.
I wanted to be my mom—hard-working, a loving mom, and loyal wife. I had always admired her strong faith and commitment to our family. Of course, I knew she wasn’t perfect, but I thought she was awfully close.
I released my legs from the confines of my T-shirt and leaned to the side to hug my mom. “I’m so glad it was just the baby, and not you.”
She pulled away, blotting her red eyes and nodding. “Me too.”
“I wanted to tell you. And I’m so mad at Ben for doing it first.”
“I think this baby saved him, Gabby. I think he felt lost without a purpose, and now he has one. And I hate saying that because I don’t know what that means for you. The last thing I want is for you to feel thrust into motherhood when you’re not ready.”
I grunted a laugh and rested my hand on my belly. “I’m not ready, but I want this. I’m scared, but I want this. I hate Ben for a hundred different reasons, but I love him.”
Mom smiled. “Ben’s willing to support you, no matter what. And your dad and I want to support you, no matter what.”
“Dad?” I asked with skepticism. “He’s not livid that I’m pregnant at nineteen, out of wedlock?”
Mom rolled her eyes. “Well, he’s not elated.”
“When Sarah and Eve disappointed him, he was ready to kick them out and disown them,” I said.
“Oh,” she laughed. “He’s ready to disown you, young lady. But he wants what’s best for your innocent child. So you can stay in school or come home. Either way, we’ll do our best to support you.”
I dropped my head and murmured, “I don’t know what I want. Not anymore. I’m still in a state of shock that it’s Ben.”
“What do you mean?”
I stood and stepped toward my desk, staring at the picture of Ben and me, arm in arm at our high school graduation. Could I tell her about Matt? I financially strapped myself to thousands of dollars in debt to be at the University of Michigan just for Matthew Cory, but my infatuation (coveting) felt like a greater sin than getting pregnant. If I stuck it out and finished school, then it wouldn’t all be for nothing.
“I came here for Matt,” I said.
“Matt? Matt Cory? What do you mean?”
With my back to her, I grunted a laugh and shook my head. “I’ve had a crush on him since before he was with Sarah. I’ve written poems about him, imagined our wedding, and little things about our life together. I’m”— I stared at the ceiling—“embarrassed. He was my dream. He was the reason I refused to go to college anywhere but here. I had never felt so determined about anything or anyone as I did about him.”
When I looked at my mom, her face corkscrewed as if I wasn’t speaking English.
“Then he kissed me,” I murmured.
“Matt?” she asked with a tone of distaste.
“Ben. He kissed me and ruined me for Matt or anyone else. I knew it was him, and it broke my heart because I also knew it meant we would have to be everything to each other or nothing. There was no going back, no middle ground. I couldn’t kiss my best friend and just be friends. But the feelings that surfaced dumbfounded my heart, and I was scared because I came here for Matt. And my mind was like, what does this mean? What does this say about me? Then he got sick, and I was ignoring—” I choked, cupping a hand to my mouth. Would I ever stop feeling responsible?
Pressing my fingers to the corners of my eyes, I blew out a slow breath. “I avoided Ben after the kiss. And that’s when he got sick. Had I not been so stubborn and immature, I would have known he needed to go to the doctor. And he might still be able to hear.”
“Gabby—”
I shook my head. “I hated him for making me love him. I hated myself for not seeing it sooner. And now I’m pregnant, but I still feel the hate. And there’s all these insecurities that I can’t get past. Does he blame me for what happened? Even if he does, he will never say it. Had I not gotten pregnant, would he be with me? Would he be with Laurel instead? If my foolish heart led me in the wrong direction towards Matt, isn’t it possible that Ben’s has led him in the wrong direction towards me?”
“My dear, Benjamin Ashford is head over heels in love with you. He didn’t go in the wrong direction. Every path in that young man’s mind was going to lead to you.”
“He was interested in Laurel. He only came back here for the baby.”
“And you came to Michigan for Matt, yet you’re having Ben’s baby.”
I frowned.
“Listen,” she held out her hand, and I took it, sitting next to her, “Life is an interpretation of our dreams. You dreamed of falling in love, and life gave you Ben.” Mom grinned before resting her head on my shoulder with a soft sigh. “I want to be nineteen so I can fall in love with a Benjamin Ashford. He’s so dreamy.”
“Stop.” I giggled.
“Well, he is,” Mom said.
I rested my head against hers. “Yeah. I know.”
* * *
My mom stayed for three days. She took me out to dinner one night and to see Pretty Woman the next.
“I can’t believe you took me to see a movie about a prostitute,” I said, feeling overjoyed that my mom decided to just be my friend for the night.
“Don’t you dare tell your dad.” She laughed, unlocking the doors to the rental car.
“I’m glad you came. I was so nervous about going home at the end of the semester, but now I feel relieved that you and Dad know.”
“Thanks to Ben.”
“Yes. Thanks to Ben, I’m pregnant. Did you and Dad thank him for that?”
“We didn’t go that far.”
When she dropped me off at my dorm, I leaned over and hugged her. “Will I see you before you fly out tomorrow?”
“Not unless you’re getting up at five in the morning.”
“Oof! Nope. I won’t. Love you. Thanks for coming.”
“Love you too,” she said. “Call me more than once a week. I need updates. And let me know what the doctor says after your next appointment.”
I nodded.
“And don’t stress over deciding about your schooling right now. It’s okay to take some time. It’s okay to take a year off and go back to school the following year. Once you hold this baby in your arms, you’re not going to want to let her go for a single second.”
“Her?” I squinted.
“Yes, dear. It’s a girl. I just know.”
I laughed. “We’ll see about that.” I opened the door.
She blew me a kiss before I closed it.