Chapter 42
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
KEITH WHITLEY, “WHENYOUSAYNOTHINGATALL”
Ben
I had to quit my job to get time off to make it to Gabby’s next OB appointment. Joblessness seemed counterintuitive to my goal of supporting us, but working in the meat department wasn’t a long-term solution anyway.
After a thirteen-hour drive, mostly through the night, I arrived in Ann Arbor. It took three knocks on Gabby’s door before she opened it. At first, her eyes widened, and a smile tugged at her lips, but she quickly corrected her reaction with a scowl.
She signed something. I caught the “what,” but not the rest.
“Too late. I saw you smile. You’re happy to see me.”
Gabby crossed her arms over her chest, and I grinned. She looked irresistible in her pink nightshirt, bare legs, and messy hair.
“Come on, Gabbs. I drove all night to be with you. In fact, I scrolled every radio station just to find Cyndi Lauper’s song, ‘I Drove All Night.’”
Again, she fought her grin. “You’re deaf,” she signed. That one I caught.
“Don’t rub it in.”
She went for the eye roll, so predictable. Then she turned her back to me, grabbing her robe and toiletry bag while shoving her feet into white slippers.
“I missed you,” I said, sliding my arms around her, bringing her back to my chest while nuzzling my nose in her hair at her ear. “What time is your appointment?”
She signed, “three,” then peeled my arms from her waist and left the room.
I made her bed and tidied up her desk. A pen was sticking out of a journal, and I fell prey to the temptation of peeking inside.
I don’t trust my instincts anymore. Everything I thought I wanted feels like an outdated fashion trend. How am I supposed to think about my future career when I’ll be a mom in five months?
Before reading the entire day’s entry, I flipped back a few pages.
My mom showed up, and I didn’t know how much I needed her until she hugged me.
I smiled. When my mom told me that Janet had flown here to visit Gabby, I knew everything would be okay.
Again, I thumbed back through earlier entries, not taking the time to read anything in full because I knew she’d be back soon, and I had no business reading them.
Today I heard my baby’s heartbeat. There are no words to describe how that felt. I wish Ben would have been there. I wish he would respond to my letters. It’s funny how I used to dream of marrying Matt and the look on his face when we heard our first baby’s heartbeat. I just never imagined he’d be holding my hand, but the baby wouldn’t be his. Life continues to surprise me. I want this unexpected turn in my life to be a good one, but I don’t know yet. The uncertainty steals my joy.
I jumped, closing the journal and turning. Gabby narrowed her eyes, gaze flitting between me and the journal.
“Him? You took him to your appointment? He heard my baby’s heartbeat? He held your hand?”
She nudged me out of her way and wrote on a notepad.
Why were you reading my journal?
“It doesn’t matter. Why did you take Matthew Fucking Cory?”
My journals are private!
“I was straightening up a few things, and I went to pull the pen out and my curiosity got the best of me.” I shook my head a half dozen times. “It doesn’t matter. Why him, Gabby? Do you hate me that much?”
She winced, then reached her hand toward my cheek, but I batted it away.
I dropped my head, rubbing my temples with the heels of my hands. “You gave him something I will never have. Why? Why would you do that?”
Because you wouldn’t read my letters! And I had no one. So he offered to go with me. I wasn’t thinking about getting to hear the heartbeat. I was lonely and scared!
I read her words, but they didn’t help, so I wadded up the paper and threw it toward the trash can, missing by several feet. After so much time spent contemplating ways to make this work, telling our parents so Gabby wouldn’t have to, and looking for better jobs and places to live, I didn’t stop to think of everything I would miss. But her journal entry hit me so hard, it made my eyes burn with painful emotions and my heart deflated like someone had a tight grip on it.
She reached for the pad and started to scribble again.
He was here when you weren’t
I yanked the pad away from her and heaved it at the trash bin, and I did everything to keep from crying in front of her. But it hurt like hell.
With the back of my hands, I roughly wiped my eyes. “I will never hear our child’s heartbeat. Their cry. Taking their first breath. Giggles. Squeals. First words. My …” My voice cracked. “My name, Gabby. I’ll never hear them say ‘Daddy.’” I shook my head, rubbing my fist in circles over my heart. “And that really fucking hurts.”
She threw her arms around my neck, holding me tightly. It broke me, and my body shook with a sob. When would I stop seeing all the things I was missing? When would I forget that sound ever existed?
After I contained my emotions, she released me and pressed her hands to my chest, guiding me to sit in the desk chair. She stood between my spread legs and covered my eyes. Then she uncovered them, wearing an obnoxiously big grin. Then she covered them again. When her hands left my eyes for a second time, she was squinting with her tongue out.
Again, she covered them, and again, she removed them. This time, the tip of her tongue reached for her nose while she crossed her eyes.
I laughed, and her face relaxed into a soft smile. She took my hand, holding it palm up while her other hand feathered along my skin. It kinda tickled. Then she slowly ran her fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes because it felt so good.
In the next breath, her lips ghosted along my cheek. When her touch vanished, I opened my eyes, and she was tearing open an orange package of Reese’s peanut butter cups. After pulling one from the wrapper, she held it to my nose, and I inhaled. Then she held it to my lips, and I took a bite.
It was our favorite. The perfect mix of sweet and salty.
She didn’t have to write a single word or sign anything. I got it. We experienced the world and the people in it in different ways. Joy was a smile, a funny face, a soft touch, the aroma of something sweet, and the mouthwatering marriage of peanut butter and chocolate.
I held up my hand with my middle two fingers folded in. I love you.
She nodded and smiled while returning the same sign before framing my face and kissing me.
* * *
The mind was self-destructive if left to its own devices. Lucky for me, Gabby had a way of interrupting those thoughts. As I held her hand during the OB appointment, she’d occasionally lift it to her lips and kiss it. When the doctor listened for the heartbeat, Gabby released my hand and pressed hers to my chest. Her index and middle fingers tapped, and I realized she was letting me feel the rhythm of our baby’s heartbeat. I covered her hand with mine and mimicked the rhythm until we were in perfect sync. And when I closed my eyes, I could piece together memories of sounds, and I heard it with my mind instead of my ears.
And it was beautiful.
On our way to my car, I squeezed her hand. “I gathered our parents in the front of the church and told them I knocked you up. I thought God would protect me.”
Gabby giggled, shaking her head.
“I think I’m going to stop learning ASL. I kind of like it when you’re forced to be my captive audience, and you can’t talk back to me.”
She hugged my arm while playfully shoving me to the side.
“Careful, I might just tickle you until you pee your pants.” I reached for her sides, and she tried to wriggle out of my hold, bending forward.
I scooped her up in my arms, and her mouth opened. Again, I could hear a faint noise, but my memory remembered the way she released a blood-curdling shriek when I tickled her, and that memory was enough.