Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
February dawned cold and gloomy; the sun hidden by layers of thick gray clouds. Shaun hadn’t heard from Kasey and hadn’t reached out to him in the week and a half since he’d left. She knew he was busy in pre-season training, the first race of the season scheduled for the following weekend.
She ached to text him, to call, anything.
She missed his voice, missed that snarky, sarcastic sense of humor, missed the comfortable companionship she’d grown far too accustomed to in the short time he’d been there.
She missed his smile and that dimple in his cheek, those gray-blue eyes that always looked at her with such heat.
Missed his body pressed against hers in her bed, missed reaching for him in the middle of the night just to feel him close.
The damn man had gone and made her fall in love with him and she was pissed about it.
Sitting on the couch, not really watching what she’d put on the tv, she jerked her head around when she heard the crunch of gravel on the driveway, and then the slam of a car door closing.
Jumping to her feet, she rushed down the hall, checking her reflection frantically, just as a knock sounded on the door.
Rushing back down to the door, she paused for a heartbeat before pulling it open.
Disappointment washed over her before the shock really kicked in. “Hi… I wasn’t expecting you.”
Tommy nodded, lowering his brown eyes from hers to a spot somewhere near her chin. “I know, I’m sorry. Can I come in? Or do you still have company?”
“Uhh,” she murmured, “No, I don’t have company. Come on in.”
Stepping back away from the door, she let her ex-fiancé in, and he waited for her to lead him into the kitchen that he had once frequented.
“I can make some coffee?” she asked, and he nodded. Moving to the counter, she prepped a large pot of coffee quickly, setting it to percolate, before turning back toward him. “Please, have a seat.”
He sank into one of the dining chairs, and after the coffee had brewed enough to pour out two cups, she brought them with her and sat opposite him, sliding one of the cups toward him.
“You look good,” she said softly, though she knew it was a lie.
He huffed out a wry laugh and glanced at her. “I look like shit, and you know it.”
“Well, yeah,” she mumbled, laughing quietly too. Then, “Why are you here, Tommy? Why now?”
Rolling his shoulders, he took a sip of the coffee before setting it down on the table, then raised his brown eyes to hers fully. “I’m checking myself into a rehab center downstate in a couple days.”
“Oh.” Shock made her eyebrows shoot up.
He nodded, shoving his fingers through his hair that was too long.
“I uh–I fucked up, Shaun. I fucked… everything up. I lost my best friend, I destroyed the relationship that I had with my sister and my niece and now my nephew… I lost you.” He lowered his gaze down to the coffee cup between his hands.
“I realize now that we were never going to work. Even before I fucked everything up. I was never going to be enough for you. Even though I wanted to be. I tried.”
Emotion clogged her throat, making her nose sting with tears. Even though she didn’t love him anymore, she still cared about him, and seeing him in so much pain, so broken, it killed her.
“I realize that the way I handled everything was wrong. I was suffering through a lot of grief, depression, anxiety… And I didn’t handle it.
I just tried to drink it away. Tried to control everything else that I could.
” She swallowed hard. “I tried to control the people that I loved the most, and I hurt them. I have to do this for me, for Zoey. I know I won’t ever get the chance to make things right with you, and that’s okay.
Because you deserve that big kind of happy, too. You know that, right?”
She nodded as a tear slid down her cheek. Goddamn crazy emotions! She never cried, and now she couldn’t seem to stop!
He stood then, as did she, and when he held his arms out to her, she went into them willingly, hugging him tightly around the middle. They swayed that way for a long time, just in silence.
“I hope you find that big happy, Shaun,” he murmured above her head, his hands rubbing up and down her back, and she hiccupped on a sad whimper. She inhaled, and sadness hit her all over again at the strange, unfamiliar scent. She missed Kasey. “Don’t let that pride of yours get in the way, okay?”
She laughed sadly. Too late. “Okay.”
When they finally pulled apart, she felt like something had lifted; that closure that neither of them had been granted finally shifted into place. She walked him to the door, and she opened it, stopping just inside as he turned back toward her.
“I’m proud of you,” she said softly, reaching her hand out to him one more time. He reached out and squeezed her fingers gently. “Take care of you.”
He released her hand and nodded, then said, “You, too.” She watched him as he jogged down the steps to his truck. He climbed in and then waved before driving away.
Sighing heavily and squeezing her eyes shut against another wave of tears, she closed the door.