Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
Shaun stared at the door after he closed it behind him for a long time.
She almost expected him to come back.
But he didn’t.
The car he’d been renting from the airport had disappeared out of her driveway, the taillights fading as he drove away.
His half empty beer still sat on the end table next to the couch, the football game they’d turned on still playing on the TV in the background.
Her apartment suddenly felt too large and much too empty without him there taking up her space, driving her up the wall with his smart mouth and sarcastic wit.
Finally able to force herself to move, she walked down the hall to the bedroom, immediately hating how empty it was without his clothes hanging off the back of the chair, his cologne and deodorant no longer sitting on the top of her dresser next to her perfume.
His side of the bed was still rumpled from where he’d slept next to her the night before.
She was unable to stem the flow of tears as they slid down her cheeks.
Swiping at them angrily, she returned to the living room, picking up the half empty beer bottle and his empty chili bowl, taking them to the sink.
Dumping the beer down the drain with angry, jerky movements, she slammed it down on the counter once it was empty.
Damn you, Kasey Corcoran! her mind screamed. Why couldn’t you have just left me alone? I was fine, before you came along!
Steve jumped up onto the counter, sitting on the corner and meowed pitifully at her, as if blaming her for Kasey’s absence.
“It’s better this way, Steve. We would never have worked, and this was just for fun anyway,” she snapped at the cat, who was eyeing her with judgmental green eyes.
If this was just supposed to be for fun, then why does it hurt so much?
She had no good answer for the question, choosing to ignore it instead of digging into it any further. Self-reflection wasn’t one of her strong suits.
Her phone vibrated where it was still sitting on the coffee table next to her forgotten chili, and she walked over to it, swiping the message from Jodi open.
Okay, we’re home. Now SPILL! I want all the details!
I know he’s been at your place for two weeks, Roxy told me!
Letting her head fall back against her shoulders, she sighed up at the ceiling before looking back at the phone, typing a quick message. She hated how much the words hurt as she sent the text.
There’s nothing to tell. He left. The end.
The three dots popped up then disappeared several times before Jodi’s next message came through. Shaun couldn’t help the sad smile that tugged at one corner of her lips.
I’ll bring tequila and ice cream.
Be there in twenty minutes.
Shaun set the phone down on the coffee table, scraping her mostly uneaten chili into the garbage under the sink. Then she forced herself down the hall to the bedroom again, pulling on a pair of fleece pajama pants and an oversized hoodie over Kasey’s shirt that she still wore.
Jodi came in fifteen minutes later, grocery bag in one hand and a pizza box in the other, overnight bag slung over her shoulder.
“No, I don’t want a hug, and I don’t know that I particularly want to talk about it yet,” Shaun said as Jodi stepped into the kitchen, depositing the bags and the pizza onto the counter. “I do, however, want to know how your honeymoon went.”
Jodi waved one hand and made a pfft sound, taking the contents out of the grocery bag one at a time. “Yeah, well I’ve been waiting over two weeks to hear about this, and you promised.”
“Jodi,” Shaun whined, crossing her arms over her stomach and squeezing her eyes shut. “He literally just left like, an hour ago.”
“So you guys had a fight?” her sister asked, turning toward her with the bottle of tequila in one hand and the ice cream in the other. She held them both up and raised her eyebrows.
Shaun sighed heavily and pointed toward the tequila. It had been a day. She deserved some tequila.
“We’re always fighting,” Shaun muttered and turned to grab two shot glasses from the cupboard, along with two margarita glasses as Jodi placed the tequila and a bottle of margarita mix on the counter.
Shaun cracked the seal on the tequila and poured out two shots of the golden liquor, while Jodi found a cutting board and a knife, slicing up the lime she’d pulled out of the bag as well.
Shaun slid the saltshaker closer to them both as Jodi put the ice cream container in the freezer for later.
“This was never going to work, Jodi. This wasn’t meant to last. We’re too different. ”
“Or too much the same,” Jodi countered, raising her dark brows.
They both picked up their shot glasses and limes.
They clinked their shots together and licked the salt off the back of their hands, then tossed the tequila back.
Jodi cringed and put the lime in her mouth, sucking as she danced a little.
Shaun poured another shot into her glass, taking that one in rapid succession to the first before putting the lime between her lips.
“Can I tell you what I think?” Jodi asked.
“I’d rather you not, but I feel like that’s not going to stop you,” Shaun muttered dryly, rolling her eyes.
“You’re right, it’s not,” her sister said simply, and Shaun sighed, once again crossing her arms over her stomach.
“I think you’re so scared of letting anyone in again after Tommy that you’ll find any way to self-sabotage.
That you’re so worried about not feeling like you’re your own person, or like yourself, with someone else.
But Shaun, honey, when you find the right person…
you don’t have to worry about any of that.
It just happens. I know we’ve never really talked about what happened with Tommy—”
“And I don’t really want to now,” Shaun grumbled, making Jodi glare at her.
“—but we’re going to. Starting with why you were trying to hide from him the night he proposed.”
Shaun cringed, burying her face in her hands. Oh god. I did hide. Behind a tree.
“You told me that night that you liked Tommy. Not that you loved him,” Jodi said softly. “I think you knew long before you ended things that it wasn’t right. I just always felt that you needed someone that could handle you.”
Shaun lowered her hands from her face to glare at her sister. “You make me sound like I’m a petulant brat.”
“I mean, yeah, sometimes,” Jodi teased with a laugh.
“But that’s not what I mean and you know it, so don’t go getting all bent out of shape until you hear me out.
” Shaun blew out an annoyed breath but nodded, and Jodi continued.
“You are fire, Shaun. So wild and untamed and so authentically who you are… I hated seeing that part of you being smothered while you were with Tommy. Like he was trying his best to be able to handle you, but his way was to try to control you, to water down what makes you truly you.”
Shaun swallowed hard, reaching for the bottle of tequila and pouring another shot. The first two had already started to make her feel fuzzy. Kasey’s words came back to her as she tilted the shot glass back. I want you. All of you. Unabashedly, no filter, no watered-down bullshit.
“With Kasey… I don’t know, Shaun. It just seemed like you were still able to be you, unapologetically and without any pretenses or trying to fit into a mold that you just weren’t made for,” Jodi whispered fervently.
“Yes, you guys fight, a lot. But that’s who you are; you’re not built to be small or quiet or fragile.
He lets you be as fiery and as wild as you want or need to be, and he revels in it.
The way he looks at you… It’s the way Dad looks at Mom.
Like you’re the most incredible thing he’s ever seen.
Don’t you feel that?” she asked, pressing her hand over her heart.
Shaun tossed the tequila back, exhaling as it burned going down.
“You do, don’t you? That’s why this hurts so bad. ”
“I don’t want to feel like I have to change, or in ten years realize that I have changed, just to be with someone,” she said quietly. Admitting it out loud was painful.
“I don’t think that you would have to worry about that with Kasey,” Jodi murmured. “I think he loves you just like you are.”
Shaun whipped her head toward her sister, her eyes wide. “Don’t say that.”
“What, that he loves you?” Jodi asked, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “Isn’t it obvious?”
“No,” she whispered, turning her head to stare at the floor. “We hate each other. We just have really great sex, but nothing else has changed, Jodi.” Girl, your pants are going to catch on fire one of these days. The man admitted to liking you, you idiot.
“Yeah, okay,” Jodi scoffed, leaning forward to grab the pizza box.
Flipping the lid open, she grabbed a slice laden with ham, bacon, and pineapple before taking a bite of it.
Chewing, she swallowed, then muttered sourly, “That man is crazy about you, and if you try to tell me you’re not crazy about him, I’ll hit you with this slice of pizza. ”
Instead of lying, Shaun took a slice of pizza from the box and brought it to her mouth. Jodi eyed her warily, but then nodded triumphantly.
“That’s what I thought,” she murmured slyly, winking.
Shaun flipped her off with her free hand as she took another bite of pizza.