Chapter 17
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Isabella
PRESENT DAY
“Are you fucking kidding me?” My blood boils to an extent that I think I might melt. No, I think I’m actually going feral by the mere sight of this man. And I thought I was being nice enough to diminish our long-time feud—not really a feud but whatever—so that we can put things behind us like adults, but he’s way off that agenda. William Shepherd is officially still a child.
He and I have had our differences, but nothing to lose sleep over, which is why at first I thought he was acting out a badly rehearsed joke. Even before Travis came into my view at that balloon stand, Billy and I were passersby friends. I say passersby because we had one of those friendships you lose touch with for years, but then when you see them again, it’s like the bond never went away. Yes, that kind.
We saw each other by chance most of the time, threw a few picks at each other, and went about our business. Sometimes, I might’ve hurt his tiny ego a bit, and vice versa. It might not look like a sane relationship through another pair of eyes, but it’s a relationship I thought he at least cared enough for him not to say those jabbing words to me. I’m used to both of us firing shots at each other, hoping it doesn’t hit any of us, and that for ages. Only when it came from both of us without meaning, though. Far from what’s happening now.
“What? You know I’m right. Did you think by coming back, arms will be open wide for you?” Billy raises his voice at me, his eyebrows titled at an angle one could only hope doesn’t sever his pretty face.
“Billy,” Travis growls, but it does nothing but fuel me.
“No, no. Let him get everything out of his chest. Come on, talk.” I approach Billy an inch, my arms folded in and standing my ground. Not that I even have a ground to stand on here since he’s the one losing it, but the last thing I want right now is for Billy to see me wither.
He stumbles back and sighs. He’s been holding his bag in his hand since the moment he walked out of those gates, looking like a washed-out Keanu. The latter doesn’t even deserve to be associated with such indecency, but I can’t help it as Billy’s hair is gelled back like him, and I don’t know, he simply projects those characteristics, which is even more frustrating.
“Ugh, I can’t do this. Why did you even have to bring her? I was fine only knowing she was back.” He ignores me and turns to Travis, swinging his bag.
That was my on-switch. I was already furious by his words and tone but now, with his back at me and his shoulders brushing me off like I’m dust, makes me feral. This is no longer fun.
“He’s got to be kidding, right?” I lock eyes with Travis as he looks over Billy’s shoulder. My cheeks burn out of irritation and by the way Travis’ eyes squint at me, he sees it.
I’ve learned to know how to control myself in cases where people tend to tempt me in off-putting ways, since moving to France. But back here in Road Haven, it was the opposite. I assessed and reacted, and I believe everyone who had the chance to get to know me knew that fact. Billy included. Now, it’s rare for me to burst. Shit, it’s rare for me to waste a second of my time on trashy moments like this, but somehow knowing the one behind that moment is Billy only drags me out of my reformed shell.
Travis wanted Bella, indeed? She’s here.
“Look at me,” I command, but it’s more of a whisper. To me, it felt like all my vocal cords were in action, but it was just a whisper.
Billy drops his bag next to the car and turns to me again. “Say that again.” My voice is still stuck in my throat.
A chuckle assails his throat as he shrugs. “I don’t care if he seems to be fine with you here, but I’m not. You broke pieces that weren’t yours to break and then left for others to put them back together. So, no, I’m not okay that you get to stand there, laugh, or even be here with him without having to have faced the aftermaths of your actions.”
“And that’s fair, but it’s not from you that I get to face those from? You don’t get to disrespect me like that, Billy.”
He drags his shoulders up again, but this time his feet circle around. His right hand lies on his forehead as his head is lifted. The more we let this go on, the more I feel a box closing in on me. It’s getting suffocating and unable to keep calm, and that’s what I want to do the most.
“Oh, and he’s supposed to be the one to tell you all this?” He points at Travis as he looks at me. His veins significantly trail his neck as he speaks, and his throat cruises along.
I don’t say anything, and it points out my agreement on that statement. Billy has no part in whatever happened or is happening between Travis and me. And it’s one thing for him to be set back on the idea of me coming back, but it’s another for him to be insulting me in front of an airport, in a town where everyone and anyone could hear and spread everything around. I’d be surprised if it hadn’t already reached town by now.
“You know damn well Travis won’t say shit to you… you’re his ‘princess’, ‘his first love’, the one he can’t seem to stop thinking about for fucking six years,” Billy mumbles on, putting into air quotes my significance to Travis.
Travis rushes forward towards Billy and holds on to his upper arm. “Hey,” he hisses. Billy shrugs his hand off of him and repositions himself to face me straight on. I don’t have a second to process what he’d said about me being Travis’ princess and first love before he pulls me back into this dim idea of a conversation.
“Oh, please. You two are insanely exhausting.” He loses it. “And you.” He turns to Travis, and I do, too. “Be honest with her. Tell her about the day I had to walk into your mother’s house, to your room, only to find you beaten on the floor, crying your eyeballs out, huh? Or about the countless drinks I’ve had to take out of your hand because you missed her?”
“Billy, stop.” Travis’ shoulders drop and I realize how tense he’s been the entire time. How tense we’ve all been. I should’ve listened to him. I shouldn’t have come to this fucking airport.
I lose my gaze on Travis and stare down at my feet, my arms crossed. I don’t know how to feel about all this. About Billy, about the moments he’d seemed to have witnessed, and about how much I had hurt the one man I thought I could never hurt. It looks like another rain pour is washing over me on a sunny day, and it’s pulling me back into a hole I just got out of.
I don’t want to go back to that day. I physically can’t revisit it, and even less, with them trying to add to the wound I thought was already painful.
“And there’s more.” Billy closes the gap between us, which prompts me to lift my head to confront him.
“That’s enough,” I murmur, shivers running down my skin and my heart shrinking at the thought of Travis crying because of me or turning towards bottles of despair to keep him company. It shrinks at the frustration at myself for coming back here thinking it was okay to do so.
If I could slap myself right now, I would. The living shit out of myself for the audacity I had. “I get it. You’ve made your point.” I bat my eyelashes, fighting rivers of water to flow down my cheeks.
Billy and I stare at each other, eyes on eyes, and minds blanked out. Silent.
“Mark my words, Isa. Hurt him again, and I’ll personally shut this down.”
I instantly nod. Why? I don’t know. But somehow I understand his words and concern like no other, and I can’t do anything about them, but nod.
“I knew Travis was too good for me from the moment I laid eyes on him, and if I knew how things would’ve turned out…” My gaze shifts to Travis to take another look at him before finishing my sentence. And as expected, he’s focused on me, eager to know what’s next. “I would’ve never walked towards you guys at that fair. Ever,” I say.
I can’t physically hear it, but the look on Travis’ face shatters my heart once more. “That’s where you get this all wrong,” Billy says, shifting the atmosphere. “It’s not about changing things, it’s about fixing them. What’s done is done, so why escape it?”
“Would you really have done that?” Travis interrupts and walks in between us, taking Billy’s place.
“What?”
“Not have introduced yourself to me that night.” His hot breath winds at me as he stands extremely close.
I pause. For a second, I reconsider. A world without the fair, the darts, the butterflies, the kisses, the hugs, the laughs, and Travis. No matter how much I think about it, it’s a world I want no part of. One if I could burn to the ground, I would, but I can’t bring myself to claim that thought.
“Yes,” I answer. “If past me knew how things would’ve turned out, she would’ve stood there and admired the mystery blonde boy with his friends for a while, and then gone by her night by enjoying her time with her friends.”
His lips tighten in a straight line as he stares at me. It slowly accentuates his vague dimples as it turns into a smile. “Good,” he says.
I’m stunned. “Good?”
“Let’s go?” He takes a few steps back, clearing the dim shadows that had been hovering over the three of us. “We’ve been here for way too long. I have things to do at home and I’m guessing you’re tired from your trip,” he addresses Billy. “And you from… all of this. So why don’t we head back?” Then me.
Billy sends a stabbing glare at Travis. “With or without you,” Travis says without a word coming out of Billy’s mouth. The latter rolls his eyes to the back of his head before turning to open the passenger’s car door.
I stand there, on my tippy toes, cramping the ground through my sandals.
“Aren’t you coming?” Travis yells behind the car as he opens the driver’s side.
I sigh. As I said… I should’ve never come to this fucking airport.
I cut short the drive back halfway to my house. At first, I was okay with spending minutes of my life in a quiet and tense setting with the boys, but at some point, it became too suffocating. Worries and self-doubt envelop my mind, and all I want to do is free it from them.
“Are you sure? I can drive you back home?” Travis asks as I get out of the car on the side of the road. I take a step to the left to face and answer him and I land on goggle eyes, following my every move towards him.
His left arm peeps out of the window, while his other is on twelve on the steering wheel. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,” I answer. Behind him, Billy sits, looking straight forward. He can shun me all he wants. I’m not done with him.
Travis doesn’t say a word as he continues to eye me with concern. He should be the last person to even be worried about anything concerning me, but he is. It’s obvious he is, and with all the things Billy had said back there, I’m guessing everyone can see that, too.
“Seriously,” I murmur to him, and him alone. This time, he tilts his head. I bet if he could read my mind right now, that’ll be what he’s trying to do.
I brush off the wary feeling and tap the hood of his car for him to leave. It doesn’t even take a second for the moment to pass before embarrassment starts running down my bloodstream. “Call me when you get home so we can reschedule the visit, okay? And don’t let whatever he said get to you,” he says, a luminescent smile drawn on his face. That same smile I had lost balance seeing a time ago, and swore to see it forever.
My mind automatically connects that night to this one, and its comparison barely differs. He’s the same guy I had fallen for and the same guy I will always lose balance for, and it saddens me that I had let those moments fade from my heart that prohibited day.
No.
No.
I can’t.
I can’t be— no .
I can’t do this to him again.
I shake the undue thought out of my head and nod in agreement to his demand. Before I know it, the deafening noise of the engine grumbles and he drives off.
A heavy exhale blows out of my mouth as I stand on the side of the road, not a single living body around me. The sun is slowly calling it a day, while the wind rushes in on me, sending chills down my naked arms. I should’ve brought a jacket with me, or at least stayed in that fucking pickup.
Just when I think to myself to walk the next twenty minutes to the house alone, a different alternative comes to mind—the bar. I can’t believe I haven’t had a drop of liquor in my system since I’ve been in town. Maybe because it never really crossed my mind, or I never needed it to survive until now.
A drop is all I need. One down the tube to forget. And I do exactly that.
Three shot glasses sit empty on the table as I hold the fourth in my hand, preparing it for a ride. Four’s the lucky number. My throat burns as the liquor slides down to my stomach, and I squint my eyes. I sigh, looking at the empty chairs in front of me and then at the other chairs full of smiles and laughs on the other side. It’s one of those days, I guess.
I seem to not know when to stay inside the house, because every time I don’t, I find myself in these exact surroundings. Alone, desperate, and despicable. It’s not as if I choose to breathe by myself, but sometimes, it’s the cure for my pride.
It’s best if I keep this part of myself only to myself.
A few minutes later, the wooden floors twirl in front of me. I hop on my legs as I figure out how to put on a show. They thud heavily, almost burying the tuning music, but not loud enough to tune out the cheers and claps. Blurry figures and unrecognizable faces surround me, but it doesn’t stop me from moving body parts I’m quite proud of.
As I continue to twirl on my feet, a deep and monotone voice rings in my ear. “There she is.”
I shouldn’t have turned around as quickly as I heard it, because now I feel like my five minutes of glory are about to disintegrate. My left foot hits on the other and my hands swing back. As I go down, I get to glance at the owner of the voice standing next to another man, and the latter instantly blocks my fall with his arm around my waist.
“Heyyy,” I screech, wrapping my arm around his nape.
“What in the world are you doing here, Isabella?” that same man yells at me. I bat my lashes a few times to wash off the severe tipsiness.
“Colin?” I realize. That would mean that the voice I heard was—“James?” I look in his direction.
“Are you okay?” James’ soft hands grasp my shoulder as he helps stabilize me. There goes my alone time.
They both drag me to my seat and no matter how much I want to oppose them, I don’t fight it and go along. “Sit,” Colin whizzes.
The two of them slide into the seats in front of me and the picture I had drawn a while ago completely shifts.
“Okay, so what’s really going on with you?” Colin starts, his hands hastily clasped together.
I sigh because I know the next few minutes are bound to me, releasing every word in my vocabulary to them. “Isn’t it that low life, Billy,” I mumble, still not washed off the alcohol. “I miss the days I could just smack the back of his head like a little kid every time he misbehaved.”
Colin and James shift back in their seats as if a weight has been lifted off their shoulders. “It’s been what? A week since you’ve been back and you’re already fighting with him?” James asks.
“I literally just saw him an hour ago for the first time since coming back. This is far from fighting. It’s war.” I hit my fist on the table.
Colin leans in and sighs. “What did you do?”
“What do you mean by ‘what did I do’? He’s the one who went all crazy on me at the airport. Acting all tough and protective over a boy I don’t even?—”
“You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t go to the airport with Travis to pick him up,” he interrupts.
“How did you know it was with Travis?”
“God!” He throws his head back, and James seems to do the same. “Are you serious?”
“What?”
“You, Isabella Kirby, went to the airport with Travis McGreen to pick up The Billy? No wonder you guys fought.”
“I wish I was there to see it,” James adds his two cents.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“We didn’t tell you this, but since the moment everyone had a whiff of your departure, Billy has been your sworn enemy. He was screaming on top of roofs claiming first shot at you, so yeah,” James says with a laugh lingering in his voice. He’s trying so hard to hold it in, but it’s too late.
“What? What the hell did I do to him? It’s not as if he’s the one I broke up with.”
“No, but he’s the one you handed the responsibility to handle things back here,” Colin adds.
James taps Colin with his left elbow, trying to stop him from speaking. I know these boys enough to know when they’re hiding ensuing details from me, and tonight’s the night I get those details.
“What actually happened here when I left, Colin?” I ask.
“Nothing you don’t already know.”
The weeks after I had landed in Paris, I was still in contact with them, but nothing close to when I was in Road Haven. They had kept me updated on a few events happening in town and some post-break-up news regarding Travis. All I remember from the things they’d said concerning him was that he was obviously hurting, but he’d move on.
After six weeks, I had assumed that happened, which is about when I started to drift off from Colin and James. I didn’t ask the boys if that was the case but assumed so. Maybe I wanted it to be.
“James.” I move on to the next big thing. It’s useless asking Colin anything at this point.
He sighs, fixing his posture as he leans in and places his elbows on the table. “It was right after you stopped giving news.”
I should’ve started with him.
“Don’t—” Colin interjects and I glare at him.
“It’s about time she knows how much impact she had on all of us,” James says to Colin before facing me again. The more they try to restrain themselves from whatever they’re hiding, the more curious I get. What the hell happened here while I was away?
“For about two months, nobody saw Travis. It was as if he had disappeared from the face of the earth, but of course, he was just locked up in his room, heartbroken. He didn’t go back to school during that time, and you know how seriously he takes his studies. Everybody was understanding since we knew how much he cared for you and how sudden the breakup was.”
“Yes, even I was stunned by it. My mother, of all people, who didn’t care for gossip, had heard about the breakup. After you left, we all thought it was for a while, but then the days kept passing by, then the weeks, and then months. Eventually, we put two and two together.” Colin gives up and starts pouring out his heart.
“You weren’t coming back,” James finishes Colin’s statement.
“No, I was—” I let out.
“You weren’t, Isabella. And it was fine.” James interjects. I swear, if they interrupt me one more time, I’ll drink up every bottle in here.
“Colin and I were fine with you going out in the world to focus on yourself since that’s what you needed the most at that moment. We supported your decision and were ten toes behind you on it, as long as we could still reach and be there for you.”
Just as he finishes, my head drops. I know where this is going. It’s true that I had neglected my friends for the sake of starting over. But to be fair, I was too embarrassed. And now that I’m sitting in front of them, I feel sour. They came to pick me up at the airport even when I didn’t tell them I was coming, and just now, they came to the bar at the moment I needed them the most. And all they get from me is an awful friend. What a charm.
“You stopped calling or replying to our texts and vanished. And it was as if Travis had sensed it because as soon as the strings were cut off, he came out of his cage, for the worse,” James continues.
“Isabella, he lost it,” Colin’s voice whispers in my ears, and I look back up.
“What?” I say, my heart clenching at all that is being said.
“He fell into a dark hole, even when he was out in the light. That’s when he started taking his painting seriously. Painting and painting for hours on days. Eventually, he completed art school, only to lock himself up in his outbuilding to paint even more. You were all he could think about for about three years, and during those years, Billy was the one to hold him up so he didn’t crumble. They all did. Dan, Tyrone, and even Raina. Everyone.”
“And we watched it all unravel.” I keep my focus on Colin as he speaks.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask.
“Tell you? You were out of our lives, just like you were out of his. No matter how much it hurt us, we couldn’t do that to you,” James answers out loud. “Besides, what could you have done? Would you have come back here? For what? Get back together with him? Because if that wouldn’t have been the case, it would’ve been no use, because that’s all he wanted. To be with you.”
“Remember that night at the fair, Isabella?” Colin asks, but I don’t respond in any way. “You told me you didn’t want to go for him because he was too clean and couldn’t handle you.” I nod. “Sometimes, I wonder what would’ve happened if I hadn’t incited you to go for it.”
His words take me by surprise and my eyes open wide. “What?”
“I love you, you know that. But the way you handled things chewed us all out, and seeing Travis the way he was after the breakup made me wonder how his life would’ve been without you in it.”
“Colin,” James hisses at him.
“I’m sorry, but it’s true. Haven’t you ever thought about it as well?” he asks James.
His lips slowly part. “I have,” I answer in his stead. “Every second and with every breath that I took the moment I set foot out of the plane in France, I’d thought about it. Just a mere minutes ago, I had thought about it.” A drop of tears streams down my cheeks as I speak. Fuck . “I know I could’ve been more mature about the situation, but I was nineteen, hurt and in love. I couldn’t face a saddened Travis, and you two know that more than anyone else.”
“Which is why we couldn’t tell you the truth about how he was dealing with the breakup,” James says.
“And I thank you both for that. But now I feel stripped and vulnerable about everything. I already felt stupid for coming back here, but now you’re telling me everyone had a front view of Travis breaking down? And they know I was the cause of it? That only makes me feel—” I choke on my words. I pick up a filled shot glass and gulp it down my throat. In an instant, the liquor disappears from the glass.
It makes me feel like I don’t belong here anymore. They all have their perspective on everything. And I understand. They got to see Travis’ pain as it was mending, but not mine. No one ever saw mine.
“But you should know, we were two in this breakup.” A crack in my voice sends heavy flows down my cheeks.
James’ eyebrows lift. “What?”
“Yes, I broke up with him, but his pain measures to mine. He was hurt because it came out of nowhere and he didn’t know why I did so, but I knew. I carried the reason with me, and with every thought of him, that reason broke me into thousands of pieces.” I gulp down another glass.
“What happened, Isabella? You said it was because of what you saw that morning, but I don’t believe that. There has to be a better reason why you gave up,” Colin says.
“Hmm,” I breathe out.
I reach for my phone in my bag. With my vision a little blurry, I scroll down the names on my contact list to T. For a millisecond; I regain consciousness, but then it fades the moment I press the call button.
The truth is… there’s no better reason.