Chapter 11 #2
I rolled my eyes as Colleen cooed over Colt, audible even from the kitchen.
Yeah, yeah, people thought he was attractive.
Whatever. Despite my earlier behavior, I was still immune.
Mostly. As long as he stayed in his starched dress shirts, that is.
Besides, I still didn’t know which team he batted for, so to speak.
The more I thought about it, the more it would make perfect sense for him to be gay.
Satisfied I was now as presentable as I could be given my attire, I joined them.
Since they’d taken the longer couch, that left me and Colt with the loveseat.
Oh goody. I sat as straight as I could, to both avoid touching Colt’s sweaty body and increase my chances of being able to stand back up with as little flopping as possible.
It was the little things sometimes.
“What a cute couple!” Colleen clasped her hands together in front of her. “And to think there will be a little bundle of joy in the neighborhood again soon. It’s been far too long, hasn’t it, Joseph?”
Her husband nodded, his thin white hair waving with the motion. “It sure has. Our youngest just graduated college. People always tell you how fast time flies, and I never believed them until we had kids of our own. You blink and they’re already paying rent and getting married.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat. I wouldn’t experience that, and it was best that way.
Colleen swatted Joseph on the shoulder. “Don’t make them sad before the baby even gets here! Look at her. You’ve almost made the poor girl cry.”
Okay, that was an exaggeration. I just had a conspicuous prickle in my throat and eyes. That’s all. I cleared the prickly lump away, smiling as convincingly as I could. “Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
That seemed to convince Colleen and Joseph. Colt, on the other hand, twisted to watch me carefully. Great. The last thing I needed was him psychoanalyzing me. Ever, preferably, but especially right now.
I schooled my features into my characteristic politely neutral expression as Colleen continued.
“Children really are such a blessing, dear. They teach what love really is. And patience, for that matter.” She and Joseph chuckled at that. “How many do you plan on having?”
The lump was back. With a vengeance. Not that they were doing anything wrong, aside from asking a rather nosy question.
But all this talk of children opened a familiar ache deep within me.
My throat constricted, eyes prickling again.
I clenched my jaw, unable to find my voice while maintaining my composure.
Thankfully, Colt answered. “I think we’ll have to decide after we know what it’s like to have one.”
They chuckled in reply.
“Good idea. It’s quite the adjustment, that’s for sure,” Joseph said.
They babbled about baby things for a few more minutes, though I didn’t hear any of it.
With each passing second, I was sucked into my thoughts and left swirling in the darkness.
The grief didn’t strike as often these days.
But today, it hit hard. My chest weighed down with lead, crowding my lungs until I couldn’t take a deep breath.
I clenched my hands together, wringing my pajama shirt between them.
Years. It happened years ago now. But the ripples still rocked through our family like an earthquake.
I didn’t snap out of my trance until Colt placed his hand on my thigh. As if observing from afar, my eyes slowly traced his arm back to his body, and then up to his face. The concern written across his features was so out of place I almost thought I was still dreaming. Or hallucinating.
I went through the motions of bidding Colleen and Joseph goodbye, letting Colt do all the talking. When the door closed behind them, Colt confronted me.
“What happened back there? You totally froze and zoned out. That isn’t like you.” He rested his hands on his hips. “If I didn’t know better, I’d almost thought you were going to cry. This is all pretend, remember? You’re not actually pregnant with my child.”
I couldn’t muster up a response, let alone a sarcastic one.
Memories played behind my eyes, drowning him out.
Our family getting the phone call early in the morning.
Mom screaming and sobbing. Dad retreating into himself.
A shell of what they once were. Dekker and I left to pick up the pieces.
The empty chair at the table. Always empty.
“ Lex .” Colt gripped my upper arms, eyes flicking over my face. How long had he been trying to get my attention? “Are you okay?”
With great effort, I pulled my thoughts away from the memories scrolling through my brain. If only avoiding them lessened the dead weight on my chest or soothed the pricking tears in my eyes. I cleared my throat, though my voice still wobbled. Oh well. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. What’s going on?”
I fought to take a deep breath, willing the heaviness in my chest to dissipate. “Nothing. I told you, I’m fine.”
“And I’m calling you on it,” he shot back, lips pulling into a frown. “Now, what happened?”
I stared at him, memorizing his features as they were now.
No contempt. No pride. No annoyance. Just concern etched in the wrinkle between his brows.
Confusion in the pull of his frown. For a moment, it felt as if we were two strangers, meeting again for the first time. No history, no hard feelings.
But we weren’t. Colt hated me. I hated him. Any concern he had for me only reached as far as whether whatever I was going through would affect our objective.
I tipped my jaw up, steeling myself. “It won’t affect the assignment, don’t worry.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
I scoffed.
“Okay, it’s not my main concern. I really want to know what’s going on with you.”
I sighed, pulling away from his grasp. My words held no heat, only defeat.
If I wasn’t fighting for control over my emotions already, I would have had the presence of mind to feel ashamed that he’d won.
But not right now. “No offense or anything, Colt, but why would I tell you? You’d just use it against me. ”
He paused, his frown deepening and his voice quiet. “You really think I’d do that?”
I shrugged. “Don’t have a reason not to.”
He shook his head, dragging a hand down his face. “I’m really not the monster you think I am, Lex. Whatever’s going on, you can trust me with it. We’re in this together, for better or worse. And that means having each other’s back.”
Could I trust him, though? And with something I’d never told anyone here? My gut said yes while my head screamed no.
“It’s… about my family,” I finally ground out.
Why was I telling him anything? I had no idea.
Maybe because, if I didn’t tell someone about it, if I didn’t talk about it, I’d be left alone with it.
Most days I could ignore it, push it away, distract myself.
But, aside from taking the reins at the ballroom classes this week, I didn’t have any distractions handy until lunch with the Gauthiers on Saturday.
And once Colt and I both left the house for any extended time, Gauthier’s goons would likely make their move. Invade our space, likely bug the place.
Colt waited patiently, sitting on the couch and patting the cushion beside him until I joined him.
Wow. I was really doing this. Okay.
When I still didn’t continue, he finally broke the silence. “Your family is in Pennsylvania, right? Even your sister. Is this about her?”
I shook my head. “It’s about my brother.”
He stilled. “I didn’t realize you have a brother.”
“I don’t.” I swallowed hard. “Not anymore, anyway. He, uh” —I blinked against the impending tears— “he was the oldest of all the kids. Dominick.”
I could still picture his face when I closed my eyes.
Dark hair like me and Dekker, a slight goatee and mustache on his thin frame, a beaded necklace over his collarbones.
“He was seven years older than me. The typical rebellious child, acting out to get Mom and Dad’s attention.
I had Dekker, but we were both young enough he didn’t feel like he had anybody.
“He was such a great brother, though. Everyone thought he was gruff, bad news, a bad influence. But with us, he was different. He made sure we did our homework, did our best in school, pursued our passions. In a lot of ways, he was the dad our dad could’ve been if he’d prioritized us over work.
” I rubbed the heels of my hands into my eyes.
“Anyway, his rebellion eventually led him to drugs. Dekker and I tried to help him. We tried to get him to go to rehab, anything, but nothing would help unless he wanted to get better. And for a long time, he didn’t. ”
Colt nodded, though remained silent.
“Then he must’ve changed his mind. He started going to rehab on his own.
Looked like he was finally getting clean.
” I took in a shuddery breath, willing the tears not to leave my eyes.
“And then he relapsed. But the drugs he relapsed with were more potent than he was used to, so his usual amount turned into an overdose.”
“ Le Chimiste ?”
I nodded. “I can’t prove it, obviously, but I’m positive that was one of his first batches. At least one of the first to make it all the way to Pennsylvania.”
“And that’s why you’re willing to go through all of this to get him.”
I sighed and sank back into the couch. Getting up would be a flopping nightmare, but I didn’t care anymore.
“I don’t know if I’d be as determined if it was anyone else.
I’d like to think so, since anyone making or distributing drugs is putting other families through what mine experienced.
But, yeah, this is personal.” I huffed softly.
“I’ve been waiting to be transferred here since Quantico, hoping I’d get a chance to work where he was rumored to be located. ”