Chapter 11 #3
He let the information sink in, nodding slowly and pursing his lips in thought. “And did this assignment just remind you of everything, or…?”
Right. Here was where the connection got tricky, since most normal people didn’t cry over their late brother while talking with strangers about babies.
I shook my head. “No, it was all the talk about children.”
At his perplexed expression, I laughed. Which ended up sounding like a mix between a laugh and a sob, but I’d lost whatever dignity I had when I put the fake belly on the first time, so whatever.
“After Dominick passed, I saw what the loss did to my parents. My dad didn’t want to talk about it, while Mom needed someone to talk to.
They were two different people on two different paths that no longer seemed to intersect.
” I resumed my earlier fidgeting with my shirt.
“Dekker and I were afraid for a long time that they’d divorce or separate, it was so bad.
They used to be so in love, and the loss of their child tore them and their marriage apart.
As it was, Dekker and I had to fend for ourselves for a while, especially emotionally. ”
I scrunched my eyes shut against the memories.
It wasn’t like Mom and Dad had physically neglected us, per se.
Mom was still there most of the time, but she’d retreated into herself so completely that it was like we’d been living with a phantom.
Someone barely hanging on, going through the motions without truly seeing the kids she still had left.
And Dad? Well, he’d done what he did best: worked.
If I hadn’t had Dekker and my dance team, I don’t think I would’ve made it, either.
And if I had to experience that again, I wouldn’t survive it a second time.
Colt shifted beside me, pulling me back to the present. I shrugged and picked at the hem of my shirt. “So, I vowed to never have children of my own if losing one would do that to me and my husband.”
He leaned back, regarding me carefully. “But is that what you want ?”
I laughed darkly. “What I want doesn’t matter much. This is what’s for the best.”
“Considering it’s your future, I’d say what you want matters a lot.”
I paused, considering his words. If I didn’t know firsthand what losing someone you loved so much did to you, would I want kids?
Since Dominick passed, I’d never even stopped to consider it.
Avoiding the chance to be so thoroughly torn to pieces was the logical plan. And avoiding that was what I wanted.
“I don’t want to love anyone so much, so completely, that losing them would make me lose myself.”
“Hmm.” He propped his head into his hand, leaning against the back of the couch. “And a child is the perfect example of that kind of love.”
“Exactly.”
“So, what about this future husband of yours? Will you not love him like that?”
I froze. Huh. I’d never even considered that. Did I really want to hold back forever? Die a lonely old lady who avoided love? Choosing not to have kids seemed like an easy way to avoid losing a piece of my soul. But to never love anyone like that?
I deflected with a snort. “Newsflash: it doesn’t look like I’ll have to worry about that any time soon.”
“And what about Dekker?” Colt continued, ignoring my attempt to derail the conversation. “Do you not love her that much?”
“Of course I do,” I snapped. “She’s the most important person in my life.”
“Mhmm.” He cocked a brow. “Then it appears as if you’re fighting a losing battle already.”
Oh.
Well, dang it.
Dang Colt and his logic. Dang it all to heck.
“Well, then wouldn’t the risk just increase with each person I love?”
He shrugged. “But would the reward outweigh the risk? Think about all the memories you have with Dekker. Would you trade those for an assurance that your heart would never break? Would you trade her for that assurance?”
No. I wouldn’t.
I groaned, flopping back on the couch. “You sure seem knowledgeable about this kind of stuff for a fellow Single Pringle.”
He stood with a shrug. “Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I want to be.”
My jaw dropped. The pieces of one of the many puzzles that was Colt slowly clicked into place. “You’re a total family guy, aren’t you?”
He cleared his throat, maneuvering to leave the living room. “I’ve got to get ready for work.”
“You so are!” It all made sense now. I followed him, triumphant. “That’s why you had baby names picked out. And how you knew so many pregnancy symptoms and answers to Miss Karma’s questions.”
And here I thought he’d just excessively researched everything. Perhaps he had, but maybe it wasn’t just for this assignment.
He ignored me as he collected whatever he needed to shower. But I wasn’t giving up that easily. When I followed him into the bathroom, he whirled around with a sigh. “Yes, okay? I want a family. Now can I shower in peace?”
I leaned against the door jamb. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend, then?”
He frowned, brow furrowed in confusion. “ Boyfriend ?”
“Or… anyone?” I gulped, my stomach sinking. Even if my hunch was right, I shouldn’t have blurted it out like this. “Not that you need a partner so you can adopt, but being a single parent would be hard.”
He rubbed his mouth as if he was concealing a smile. “You think I’m gay?”
“It would explain the lotions,” I mumbled, twisting my fingers together. “And how neat you are, and how you didn’t freak out when I talked about my period when literally every straight guy I’ve met would’ve been grossed out. And then there’s the fact that you’re just?—”
I stopped before I could embarrass myself further. That in and of itself was a big ask, but hopefully the Powers That Be would extend a little mercy my way.
He chuckled, amusement shining brightly in his eyes. “I’m not gay, Lex.”
“Oh.” I gave my fingers another twist, refusing to acknowledge the way my breath whooshed out in what could almost be mistaken for a sigh of relief. “Uh… asexual, then?”
Another chuckle, this one accompanied by a shake of his head. The scoundrel was enjoying this. Not to say I didn’t deserve the embarrassment, because I did, but he didn’t have to look like a fox in the chicken coop about it.
Yeah, I’d say the chances of him letting me live this down were subzero.
Great. Just freaking great.
Rather than back down and bow out like anyone with a grain of common sense would, I doubled down and straightened my spine. “Whatever. This is beside the point. Why don’t you have a significant other of any kind, hmm? You have people telling you left and right how attractive you are.”
The amusement lingered in his dark eyes. “Looks aren’t everything, Lex.”
I snorted. “Don’t I know it. Otherwise, I’d have asked you out a month ago.”
I slapped a hand over my mouth, my eyes widening. Where did that come from? What in the actual, ever-living heck? Hadn’t I blurted out enough absurdities this morning? Where was my filter?
Let the record show that this was what happened when I didn’t have any coffee.
His reaction mirrored my own shock: wide eyes blinking slowly, his mouth slightly ajar. It should’ve been a very unbecoming look. But curse him and his Eddie Redmayne-like bone structure and freckles, he still looked great.
You know, if you were into that type of guy. Which I wasn't .
“But, obviously, we’re arch foes, so that would never work,” I rushed out, trying to derail this train of thought, pronto. “I hate you, you hate me. It’s all very equal, don’t you think?”
He finally recovered, his mouth shaping into his trademark smirk. Of course. Unintentionally call him attractive one time and now he’d never let me live it down. As if his perfect little head needed any more of an ego boost.
I scowled at him, much more comfortable being annoyed with him than flustered by a stupid slip of the tongue. “You don’t have to look so smug about it, you know. It’s not like I professed my undying love for you.”
“Heaven forbid.” His eyes twinkled in a way that guaranteed I’d be hearing about this for the next few months. Maybe even longer. “This has been an enlightening morning.”
“Yeah, yeah, don’t get used to it,” I grumbled.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He shot me a pointed look. “Now can I shower? I can’t be late for work.”
“Pretty sure your DNA would explode if you were late for anything ,” I muttered, moving out of the doorway, nonetheless.
If I wasn’t mistaken, I could’ve sworn I made him laugh.