Chapter 13
R yan did not come to her that night. She was left in torment, anticipating the arrival that never came. Every noise that sounded outside the door seemed to be a harbinger. Her body tensed, and it took a long time to relax afterwards. She breathed deeply, falling in and out of sleep as though she were rolling between waves.
Ryan dominated her thoughts, just as he dominated this land. He was the Laird in every respect, including over her. She wished it wasn’t so, but the more effort she put into pushing these thoughts away, the more insistent he seemed. Her heart skipped a beat when she thought about the way he handled her so easily, pressing her up against the wall, leaving her no room to escape. The remembered scent of his breath swirled in her mind like potent wine, and the growl of his voice echoed in her ear.
Sometimes she awoke and the dream was so vibrant that she believed he was really with her in bed, his hand pressed against the small of her back, this time with no fabric separating them. She was breathless and undone, and entirely ashamed of feeling this way. Was what he said true? Would her own desires betray her?
She hated him with every fiber of her being, and yet he was her husband and she had saved his life. The feelings warred in her mind, and the conflict was as great a war as any the world had ever seen.
When morning arrived, she left her room and demanded to see her sisters. Nessa and Tara were given better accommodation. Ryan had stayed true to his word. They even had the luxury of a window, something that Caroline herself did not enjoy. She breathed with relief to see the remnants of a hearty breakfast on a tray. Nessa and Tara, although tired, still looked in good health. They embraced tenderly.
“What did ye say tae him tae make him release us?” Tara asked.
“I fear she dinnae hae tae say anything,” Nessa spoke with more of a guarded feeling. There was a darkness to her eyes. She knew too much of the world to be naive.
“I dinnae hae tae dae anything like that.”
“But would ye? Caroline, we need tae know how this is gaeing tae play out. Ye are seeing more and more of him. What are yer feelings taewards him? I hate that ye hae tae gae through this for us,” Nessa said.
Caroline paused before she answered. She allowed her head to drop.
“In truth, I’m nae sure I know my own feelings any longer. I hate him, and yet… there is something about him that sets me on edge. I cannae think straight around him. He is a brute, but he is my husband as well, and I dinnae know if I’m strong enough tae hold out for the rest of my life. Is there a limit tae my resolve?” her voice was imbued by a helpless tone.
“Ye never should hae put yerself in this position in the first place. What were ye thinking? We could hae survived if ye hae refused. We escaped once, we could dae sae again. The only reason why we hae nae climbled out that window is because we cannae leave ye behind,” Nessa claimed.
Tara wore a look of shame. Caroline felt panic surge within.
“Dinnae dae that. If ye escape again, he will show ye nae mercy and ye will never be allowed any freedoms. I am working tae help ye. It may take some time, but the more I give of myself, the more liberty he will show ye.”
Tara whimpered. “We dinnae want ye tae sacrifice yerself for our sake.”
“It’s my decision. I led ye out here, and I must suffer the consequences. But all is nae lost. I crept intae his study and read a letter from Laird MacLeod. He refuses tae ally with the Knox Clan. I believe that if we can find a way tae him, we might be given refuge. But there’s something else… Ryan believes that our uncle poisoned Da,” Caroline shared the news.
She had debated whether to tell her sisters this or not, but decided she shouldn’t control what information they knew. Nessa drew back, her face fixed in a thoughtful look, while Tara put her hand to her mouth.
“Surely nae?” Tara gasped.
“There are few things I would put past Uncle, but this? It seems beyond the pale, even for him,” Nessa mused.
“And yet Da did die suddenly. The sickness came on him with nae warning,” Caroline insisted. “I am nae sure whether tae believe it. After all, Ryan believes that I am a spy. He sees conspiracies everywhere. But I can’t help wondering what if…” she trailed away, her face lined with fear.
“If this is true, then we should be thankful tae ye for taking us away from home. Naething good awaits us there. And it means our clan is in the hands of a usurper.”
A shadow fell across Nessa’s face as she spoke. “Are we never tae gae home?” the word came out as a soft moan.
Caroline’s face was fixed with determination. “On the contrary, we shall return home, even if the clan will nae be the same. Ryan will nae accept an alliance, but in a way our goals are aligned. We both want tae remove the Laird. He wants an heir. I believe the only path forward is tae give him one. I hope tae hae a son one day, Knox by name, but Gilmour by nature. I will dote on him and nurture him, and teach him all about our history. Ryan may want tae take control of our clan, but he cannae turn the name tae ash. I will teach my son tae be proud of his grandda and all his ancestors, and when he is old enough he will revive the name and the Gilmour Clan shall live on,” Caroline’s voice trembled with triumphant pride.
She glowed with glory and destiny, feeling much better for having decided upon a plan. It was not a perfect plan, but she hoped that a bond she shared with a son would override anything else. Ryan could control many things, but not that, never that.
“Aye, it’s a wise plan, sister, but it requires ye tae lie with him. Is it worth debasing yerself for that? Or dae ye secretly want tae give yerself tae him?” Nessa asked.
“Nessa! Ye cannae say something like that!” Tara protested. She took Caroline’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “All ye hae done is complain. Dae ye think this is easy for her? I dinnae know how ye would act in the same situation. Caroline is daeing all she can tae keep us safe and tae think of the future. We should support her because whatever we are gaeing through, she hae it much worse.”
The words struck a chord with Nessa, who softened.
“Ye are right. I’m sorry, Caroline. I’m just tired of being stuck here. I feel itchy all over. I dinnae like being kept like some captured fox. He may hae given us a nicer room, but it’s nae as though we can roam about the castle freely. What we really need is tae know more about Ryan, tae see if he can be trusted. Did he tell ye why he believes uncle killed Da?” Nessa asked.
Caroline shook her head. “I’m afraid nae. At that moment, he was convinced that I was a spy, and he said he would nae trust me with the information. I hae been trying tae think of ways I can earn his trust, but I’m nae sure it’s possible.”
“Then what we need is tae spy on him and learn more about him,” Nessa suggested.
“I am trying, although he dinnae come tae me every night. And I dinnae know how much freedom we are gaeing tae be given. It’s nae as though we’re gaeing tae escape the attention of the guards,” Caroline remarked, somewhat despondently.
Tara brightened at this. “Perhaps ye can ask them tae gae and see him. Surely, they will nae deny that request. And if ye are asking tae be taken tae him, it’s hardly as though ye can be up tae nae good.”
Caroline considered the suggestion, mulling it over for a few moments. Nessa seemed to think it was a good idea as well. It was certainly better than sitting inside and doing nothing.
Caroline went up to the guards and told them that she wanted to see her husband. At first, the guards were reluctant to grant her request, but then she said that she wanted to thank him for moving her sisters, and they wanted to thank him in person as well. The guard sighed and relented.
He led them towards the main chamber, where the Laird was receiving his people. The chamber was filled with an audience. The three sisters crept in at the back of the room. They sidled up the side of the room to get a better view of Ryan. He was sitting in his throne, leaning forward with his hands clasped between his legs, as people came up one by one to speak to him and make requests or share concerns. One woman approached and kneeled before him.
“I want tae make ye aware of bandit activity in the area. We rarely hae cause tae fear for our safety, but recently, I hae seen them in the woods at night and I cannae sleep for fear that they will come intae my house and dae all kinds of terrible things,” she said.
“I know about the bandits,” Ryan said quickly. “I hae already dispatched men tae deal with them, and I believe they hae received the message. Ye can rest easy. I will nae let my people suffer at their hands.”
The woman bowed her head and clasped her hands together, thanking him for his efforts. She peeled away, and was replaced by the next person in line. Caroline saw a glimmer of that man who had come to her aid and defended her so fiercely. There was a hint of honor in him. She was touched at how he set the woman’s mind at ease rather than dismissing her concerns.
She remembered how her uncle always tried to persuade her father that those kinds of meetings were a waste of time, that the Laird should be far too busy to bother with the common folk. But her father had always thought it important to maintain a personal connection with the people of the land, and she saw similar qualities in Ryan, although comparing him favorably to her father made her shiver.
It was then that an old man shuffled forward. He was teetering from side to side, and there was a hump on his back. He held his hat in his hands. His clothes were tattered, while a scratchy white beard peppered his cheeks. Even though Caroline wasn’t close enough, she could still hazard a guess that the man smelled. He groaned as he lowered himself to his knees, as though the act took considerable effort.
Caroline looked towards Ryan, expecting to see pity and care in his eyes. Instead, she saw him lifting his gaze to the ceiling and breathing heavily, as though this entire thing was a chore. Perhaps she had misjudged him after all.
“This reminds me of home. I so enjoyed learning about people’s lives,” Tara whispered.
Nessa shushed her sharply. Nessa had never had any patience for this kind of thing, but not because she bore any ill will to the villagers. She simply preferred to be out in the wild, liking the company of animals more than people. Caroline turned her attention back to the current situation.
“M’Laird,” the man began in a croaky, uneven voice. “I come tae ye taeday tae beseech ye for a request. I hae fallen on hard times. My joints are aching, and I can barely lift myself up in the morning, let alone wagons. I hae found money hard tae come by, and without it, I fear I cannae repair the roof over my head. I dare nae lend myself tae the elements, they will be the death of me. Please, M’Laird, please show pity on me and loan me a wee bit of coin, just tae help me build a new hut. The roof is already gone, and it’s only a matter of time before the rest of it gets blown away, and knowing my luck I’ll be taken right along with it. I dinnae know what I am gaeing tae dae without it.”
He clasped his hands together as if in prayer, and bowed his head. It was a heartrending plea, and Caroline’s feelings went out to the man. What a plight it was to grow old, she thought. How could anyone turn him down?
Ryan sighed. “Get on with ye. I hae nae intention of honoring yer request, and ye should know better than tae come tae me. Gae on.” Ryan waved his hand in the air, shooing the old man away.
The old man struggled to his feet and had a fearful look on his face.
“Please,” he said, and then showed a choking cough.
Ryan wasn’t about to listen to any more of this, however, and rose from his throne menacingly, which seemed like far too much of an overreaction. Caroline was stung by his callous nature and couldn’t believe that she had ever thought him capable of kindness. She strode forward with a stern look on her face.
“How can ye sit there and deny this man’s request? He clearly needs help. Are ye blind tae his plight?”
Her words thundered around the room. There was an audible gasp of shock that rippled through the chamber. Ryan did not seem angry, however, the look on his was more one of intrigue. He arched an eyebrow and put his hands on his hips.
“Oh, I know all about his plight, alright. I was aware of it when he came tae me two months agae and asked me for a loan then, one that I happily gave him. And how did it help yer family?” Ryan turned back to the old man, who now seemed skittish.
“Ah… Aye, aye, that’s right, it did help my family! And it’s why we need tae call on ye charitable favor once again. Just a wee bit of coin, that’s all. It will gae a long way,” the man said.
“I’m sure ye hae enough tae spare,” Caroline was aware that all eyes were upon her, but she was not fazed at all. She kept her focus on Ryan at all times.
“If I gave my coin tae ever hard luck case, then I would hae naething left. Perhaps ye might like tae hear how he spent the last loan I gave him,” Ryan asked, holding a hand out towards the man.
Caroline now turned towards him. He averted his gaze and took halting breaths.
“Ah well, there was food of course, and repairs for clothes. I needed my boots mending. A terrible hole in them there was, let all the water through. And then…”
“Tell her,” Ryan commanded.
The man’s head dropped. He scratched his beard. “I spent it on dice,” he mumbled.
“We hae in our midst a notorious gambler. I trusted him tae be responsible once, but I am nae gaeing tae make that mistake again, and I take it as an insult that he thinks I would,” Ryan said.
“Oh, I would nae dae that M’Laird!” the man cried, but Ryan was largely ignoring it now.
“I even gave him work in the Keep, taking part of his pay until his debt was erased. I dinnae think he can be trusted with his own money. I see tae it that his family gets his fair share of food in return for the time he gives. But if he gets coin, there’s only one place it’s gaeing tae end up, and that’s in the pockets of other people. Is nae that right?”
“Aye, Laird, ye are wise. I’m sorry for troubling ye,” the old man confessed, and made a hasty retreat.
Ryan turned his attention to Caroline, who was forced to admit that she had made an error. Without knowing the full context, she had challenged the Laird, but found that his decision had been wise and just. He clearly had the best interests of his people at heart and as she scanned the room, she noticed how they all looked at him with respect, perhaps something even bordering on love.
She wondered how different things might have been if her name had not been Gilmour. This inherent hatred he had for her clan clouded everything, and made him see her in the worst light possible. Ryan folded his arms across his broad chest and gave her a challenging look, as if to suggest that she should remain quiet. He beckoned the next person forward, and Caroline retreated to Nessa and Tara.
Ryan might have been paranoid, and he might have been vicious, but he cared about his clan and tried his best to make their lives better. He listened to them patiently and offered tempered advice. He did not always give everything they asked for, but it was always enough to help them with their predicaments. He was balanced and fair, and once again she sensed that he was more than he was showing her.
But would she ever benefit from this side of him, or would she always suffer because of her birth name?