Chapter 13
Carsyn looked lighter when she came out of the therapist's office. I was glad she had a good session and prayed I'd have the same outcome. While she was there, Nia and I drove to a local embroidery shop to pick up the gift I had custom-made for Carsyn. Nia helped me pick out the things I needed for it but didn't know what it was or who it was for, or else she would have told Carsyn days ago. I hoped she liked it, and it helped put the puzzle pieces back together for her.
"So, what did you guys get for me?" Carsyn asked when we pulled into our driveway.
"You've never been too good at having patience," I teased.
Carsyn cut her eyes at me, but I just shrugged and laughed.
Nia took her seat belt off and was anxious to exit the car.
I got out, then walked around to open Carsyn's door, then helped Nia out. The three of us walked inside the house, and Nia couldn't wait to get the box that held Carsyn's gift.
Carsyn and I took our shoes off by the door and headed into the living room.
"It must be something special," Carsyn guessed as she sat on the couch.
"It is." I sat next to her just as Nia ran back into the living room, dragging the box.
"Here, Mommy." Nia slid the box in Carsyn's direction and climbed onto the couch.
Carsyn looked at me and then at the box before leaning over and ripping the wrapping paper off. I anxiously watched as she pulled back the tape that kept the box closed. I wasn't sure if it was something that could trigger her or something she would be thankful for.
Carsyn slowly pulled the item out of the box. It took her a minute to process what it was.
"That's me, Mommy!" Nia excitedly pointed.
"It is," Carsyn whispered. Her voice wavered, and I knew she would cry any minute.
I saw a post on social media where this group of authors gave their publisher a blanket with pictures of her loved ones, and I thought it would be a good idea to get Carsyn one. Each picture was from a different stage in Carsyn's life that she couldn't remember. From her first fight to our first date, our engagement party, and our wedding. Different stages in Nia's life so far. There were multiple random occasions and candid pictures I took of her just because I was captivated by my wife.
Tears fell as Carsyn studied each picture. When she got to the last picture, she held the blanket close to her chest.
"Noah. I don't know what to say. This is beautiful." She held the blanket up and looked at the pictures again.
I grabbed one of her hands when she put them back in her lap.
"There's nothing you need to say. I wanted to do what I could to help fill in the blanks."
Nia sat on the side of Carsyn, watching her, but said nothing. She ended up putting her head on Carsyn's arm, and that caused Carsyn to cry even more.
"I'm going to cherish this for the rest of my life."
"And I hope I can give you more memories to fill up another blanket." I leaned over and kissed her.
Nia popped her head up. "Mommy sad?"
"No, sweetie. Mommy is so happy with the gift you and daddy got me." Carsyn pulled Nia onto her lap and hugged her. Nia snuggled up against Carsyn but looked at me.
I ruffled her hair, which was all over the place, before I kissed her forehead, then did the same to Carsyn.
Carsyn picked up the blanket and draped it over her and Nia.
"How about we chill tonight and watch some movies? I'll order pizza and wings. Does that sound good to you?"
"That sounds perfect. I'm sure the little one wants to watch the Paw Patrol movie."
As soon as the words left Carsyn's mouth, Nia's head popped up.
"Yay!"
I chuckled and shook my head. "I think we should get ourselves comfortable first," I suggested. We weren't leaving the house for the rest of the day, so I figured the three of us should put on our pajamas and relax.
"That's a good idea. I'll take Nia upstairs to give her a bath and stuff, then get myself together," Carsyn declared as she tossed the blanket off them.
"Okay." I leaned over and kissed her.
"Let's go upstairs, Nia," Carsyn instructed.
"Okay, Mommy." Nia hopped down off Carsyn's lap and ran toward the stairs.
An idea popped into my head when Carsyn stood.
"I think you should wash her up, get her pajamas on, then let her play with her toys while you and I take a shower together."
I silently hoped Carsyn understood what I was getting at. We wouldn't have that much time, but Nia would be good for a few minutes while we had a quickie.
Carsyn smirked, then glanced at Nia, then back at me. "I think that is a great idea." She kissed me, then got up from the couch.
I watched them walk upstairs, then went into the kitchen to ensure we had popcorn for our movie night. Once I confirmed we had everything we needed, I went upstairs to wait for Carsyn in our bedroom.
I had an extra pep in my step as I walked into the therapist's office. Carsyn and I had a quickie in the shower, and I felt great about it. I would have done it again, but by the time we finished our movie night and put Nia to bed, we were tired.
Once I checked in and filled out the paperwork, I was called to the back.
"Hello, Mr. Ross. I'm Dr. Mitchell."
I was surprised the doctor came and got me and not someone else.
I stretched out my hand so she could shake it. "Nice to meet you. You can call me Noah."
"Okay, Noah. You can call me Morgan. I think it makes people more comfortable when we are on a first-name basis. We can head to my office."
I followed behind her until we entered her office. I liked that she had multiple seating options. I chose to sit on the couch since it looked the most comfortable. The office had a homey feel, and I was glad. I didn't like it when offices felt like… an office. There was a difference. Some places were cold and dreary, but this one relaxed me. I guess it made it easier for people to open up when they were comfortable.
Dr. Mitchell sat in a chair across from her with a pad and pen in her hand. I looked around the room and noticed her accolades on the wall.
"What brings you in today?" She got right to it.
I ran my hand down my pant leg. I was a little nervous about sharing things with a stranger, but I had to do this for my family.
"My wife. Well, I suggested my wife come, and she said I should as well. I was against it at first, but eventually I agreed. She also told me how good she felt after attending, so here I am."
She smiled and wrote something down.
"Okay. Why do you think she suggested it?"
I was sure she and Carsyn talked about it, but I understood her wanting to get things from my perspective.
"Because Carsyn doesn't remember anything about me besides the crush she had on me in high school. She doesn't remember our daughter, either. The thing is, she doesn't seem like she doesn't remember. She kinda just goes with the flow if that makes sense. Like, she asks questions, and we show her pictures and stuff. She doesn't seem as confused as I thought she would be. To be honest, that worries me. I feel like one day she's going to leave me."
"Why do you feel that way?"
"I can't explain it. She's told me she loves me and wants to be with me, but something in my brain isn't registering that. Everything changed in a matter of seconds, and I'm afraid of it changing again at some point. I can't lose my wife." I shook my head as a tear fell. "I just can't."
Dr. Mitchell was quiet for a few minutes, but I noticed her writing something in her notepad. She passed me the tissue box and gave me a minute to compose myself.
"Have you expressed these feelings to her?"
"To a degree, but not completely."
"Maybe you should start there. Also, it's easier said than done, but the only thing you can do is let things naturally progress. Have you had thoughts of her leaving you before the incident?"
"Not at all."
Carsyn and I not being together was never something that crossed my mind before. I always knew that we would be together until one of us was six feet under. I wasn't sure why I felt like she would leave now. It seemed like she was a different person, but at the same time, the same.
"From the way it sounds, you love your wife a lot, and it seems she feels the same. All you can do is be patient with her. Also, continue to treat her the way you did before the incident. You can't wait for the other shoe to drop because from where I'm sitting, it's never dropping." Dr. Mitchell offered me a closed-mouth smile.
I rolled my shoulders to release the tension in them.
"You've been a stay-at-home dad and are now taking care of your wife, right?"
"Yes, and I love it."
"But? I can tell there is a but there.”
I never admitted to anyone else what I felt at times.
“Sometimes, I feel like I’ve lost myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of my family, but lately, I’ve felt like I’ve lost my spark. I don’t do anything for myself anymore. I hung out with my cousin at the gym a few days ago, and I missed being there.”
“I have some homework for you. Talk to your wife about how you have been feeling about everything. I also encourage you to rediscover who Noah is besides a father and husband. If you have to bring family members in to help, then do that. I want to see you back in a week.”
“A week it is.” I stood from the seat and shook her hand. “See you next week, Morgan."
She nodded, and I left.
I stopped at the front desk to make my appointment for the following week before leaving. She suggested I talk to Carsyn about how I felt, and it was a good idea. I've said it multiple times. I didn't want to lose her, but we hadn't had a real sit-down about it. I needed to express everything I'd kept bottled up since the day she was injured. I would also talk to her and our families about me going back to work, even if it was just a few hours of the day. I needed to be the best person to myself before I could be the best person for my family.
By the time I got home, I felt better yet anxious to talk to Carsyn.