Chapter 12
I twisted my wedding band as I watched the scenery pass by. Noah's hand rested on my knee as he drove. Nia was in the back seat, sleeping after we'd taken her to the park for a while.
"Are you nervous?" Noah asked.
"I am. I'm not sure why, though."
"Because it's something new, and we don't know how things will turn out. I think it will be good, though, no matter what." He gently squeezed my knee.
It was my first day of therapy, and I was nervous. I didn't know if it would trigger certain emotions or show me things that I didn't want to see about myself or my marriage. I prayed it didn't make me question anything about him because things had been going well.
"You're right. What are you guys going to do while I'm in there?" I turned in my seat to check on Nia. I smiled at her sucking her thumb. She let me put two pigtails in her hair before we left the house, but she played so hard at the park that one had come out. Since she was fussy, I left it alone. She fell asleep on Noah's shoulder before we even got back to the car.
"We'll probably pick up some food. I don't want to wake her up too early and she be cranky. I did order some stuff from the store that I could pick up since I can do curbside. Either way, we'll be here when you come out. If you need me to pick you up before the hour is up, let me know. We won't be far," Noah said as we arrived at the office building. "Hey." Noah put his hand on top of mine, which was still twiddling my ring, and then used his other hand to lift my chin. "You will be fine. You are strong. When you are done, we can talk about it if you want to."
"Okay. I'll see you guys in an hour," I told him as I unfastened my seat belt.
Noah glanced back at Nia, then at me. "I know she's sleeping, but we can come in and wait with you if you need me to."
"No. I can do this." I leaned over the console and kissed him.
I looked back at Nia again. I had to do this for the two of them, especially Nia. I also needed to do this for myself. I was afraid of eventually slipping into depression because I no longer knew who I was. I needed to figure it out so I could be a great mother and wife. Noah had been so patient and understanding, and he deserved a wife who could fully love him the way he loved me.
"Yes, you can."
I squared my shoulders and tucked my apprehension away. I opened the door and exited the car. Noah stayed parked until I reached the door and waved at him. I watched him pull off, then went to the front desk to check-in.
It felt like my heart would beat through my shirt with how hard it thumped.
"Hi, I have an appointment. I'm Carsyn Ross."
"Hi, yes. Let me grab the paperwork for you to fill out and let Dr. Mitchell know you are here."
I watched her put a few papers on a clipboard and grab a pen out of a cup before she passed it to me.
"Thank you." I walked away from the desk and found a seat to sit in.
Only one other person was in the waiting room, and she paid me no mind.
A friend of Noah's highly recommended Dr. Mitchell. He used to play for the Sweetwater Hills Hurricanes , and his wife attended therapy with Dr. Mitchell, which helped her a lot. I was glad that she had experience with other public figures. She knew how important discretion was. It was her job, but some people would give up confidential information for a dollar.
"Mrs. Ross."
I looked up when I heard my name called.
"Hi." I stood from the seat and walked toward the woman.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Mitchell. Let's go to my office. You can drop the paperwork off at the desk if you are done."
I nodded, then put the clipboard on the desk and followed behind Dr. Mitchell. I was surprised she came out and got me, and not some assistant or something.
"Have a seat and make yourself comfortable," she advised as she sat down in a chair that faced a dark gray couch and another chair that was similar to the one she sat in. There were also a couple of beanbags in the corner.
I decided to sit on the couch because it looked so comfortable. There was a hint of lavender in the air.
"Before we get started, let me give a little information about myself. I have two teenage boys. I've been in practice for almost fifteen years. I have a doctorate in psychology, and I've done extensive mental health courses and classes. I've also worked with other high-profile celebrities and athletes. Regardless of who you are, your privacy is always respected, but I wanted to add that last part in there just in case. Now, tell me, what brings you in today?"
Dr. Mitchell picked up a pad that was on the table next to her. She also put on a pair of glasses and picked up her pen.
I sat across from her, spinning my wedding band. I wasn't sure where to begin.
"I can tell you are nervous, and that's understandable. Take your time and just start from wherever you feel comfortable."
I took a deep breath and focused on why I was there in the first place. I stopped messing with my ring and put my hands in my lap.
"I'm here because my husband suggested it after I had a panic attack a few nights ago."
"Let's start there. What do you think happened to trigger that type of reaction?"
"We were at a boxing match, and it bothered me when the guy got hit in the head. I'm not sure if you are familiar with my story or not, but I have retrograde amnesia from being hit in the head too hard."
I was positive my story had been on the sports channels and all over social media, so I would be surprised if she didn't know. I appreciated her for not bringing it up.
"Yes, I'm familiar with it. How did it make you feel seeing that?"
I blew air from between my lips and twisted my ring again.
"I felt afraid for the guy. Later that same night, a man asked for my autograph and told me his daughter wanted to get into boxing, which bothered me. I know everyone's experience won't be mine. I just didn't know how to separate it at the moment. I also don't know what else to do with myself. All I ever knew was boxing, but I can't see myself ever doing that again."
Dr. Mitchell was quiet for a minute as she wrote something down in her notepad. I tried to peek and see what she wrote, but I didn't want to make it obvious. I couldn't see any way, so I gave up trying.
"Let's start at the part about being afraid for the guy and the other guy's daughter. It's normal for you to feel that way after what you experienced, but like you said, everyone's experience is different. Think about all the years you fought and didn't have any issues. Unfortunately, we never know when something could go wrong. Imagine if you thought like that all the time. You wouldn't want to do anything, would you?"
I shook my head.
"And while your feelings are valid, we have to find ways to think of the positives. I'm going to give you some exercises to help you get out of that way of thinking and to also cope with the panic attacks if they happen again."
"Okay."
"As far as you figuring out what's next, that doesn't have to come yet. I'm sure you are still learning your new normal. In due time, it will come to you. I want you to get yourself a journal and write down the things you like doing. I know some things may be hard because it could be something you later learned in life, so don't worry about those. Focus on what Carsyn likes right now. If it seems too hard, then don't worry about it. You can write down some things that you think you may want to try. If you feel comfortable, share these things with your support system. Maybe they can do them with you."
"I can do that."
When I was younger, I knew I enjoyed baking cookies with my sister. I also liked to color and draw sometimes. I didn't love either as much as I did boxing, but that was out. I wouldn't mind working out again because I did enjoy that.
"How are things with your husband and your family?"
A smile spread across my face when she mentioned Noah.
"My family has been great. They are there when I need them, but they also give my husband and me space. My husband is everything. He has been so supportive and understanding. I know this whole thing bothers him, but he tries his best to hide it. It's easy being with him because I've always had a crush on him. It's like my brain doesn't remember anything, but my heart does. Sometimes, I feel like Noah feels like I'm going to leave him, but I don't know why. I haven't expressed that I'm leaving him because I won't. I have no reason to."
I felt a few tears drop from my eyes. I hated that Noah felt like that, and I didn't know how to fix it. Dr. Mitchell passed me a box of tissues, then wrote something down again.
"How does that make you feel?"
"Sad because I don't know what to say to help him see that I'm not going anywhere. I guess he's afraid since I don't remember anything. The past doesn't matter, though, because what I feel for him now is real. I'm determined to make this work for the sake of our marriage and our daughter. I feel like he's hiding something and doesn't want me to find out."
I prayed Noah didn't have secrets, and that was why he thought I would leave him. I didn't think that was the case, though. I'm sure my family would have an issue with him if they thought he would hurt me in any way.
"Maybe he's just scared because all of this is new for everyone. Have you two talked about why he feels that way?"
"To a degree. He's expressed to me that he's afraid of me leaving, but he hasn't said why he feels like that." I twisted my ring again.
Dr. Mitchell gave me a genuine smile.
"I think you should start there."
Noah had therapy coming, so maybe I would wait a few days to bring it up.
"Okay. That's all for today. I want to see you next week. Let me know if your homework helps you."
"Sounds good. Thank you, Dr. Mitchell."
"Call me Morgan. I'll see you next week, Carsyn."
I stood from the couch and shook her hand.
"Bye, Morgan."
I stopped at the front desk to make another appointment and left the office.
As I stepped outside, I saw Noah leaning against his car with his hands in his pockets. Goosebumps filled my arms when he smiled at me. Noah made my heart skip a beat every time I looked at him, especially when he was in daddy mode or when I would catch him staring at me.
The last time we had sex, he cried, and I couldn't help but cry with him. Everything in that moment was so emotional.
He pushed himself from the car and walked toward me. The car window was open, and I heard Nia calling me, but I was too focused on her father.
When he got close enough, he pulled me into his arms.
"How was therapy?" He leaned down and kissed me.
"Mommy!" Nia's head was out of the window, and I laughed.
"Sit back in your seat. Mommy's coming."
Nia poked her lips out, but she sat back in her seat.
I looked at Noah and smiled. "Therapy was good. I feel like Dr. Mitchell could help get me back on the right track. I think you'll like her too."
"That's good. Let's go home. Nia and I have a surprise for you."
I squinted my eyes at him because I couldn't think of what they had for me. It had only been an hour since I left them, so they couldn't have gone too far.
"Don't overthink it. The quicker you get home, the quicker you can see it." He winked and opened the car door for me.
As soon as I got in, Nia practically jumped into the front seat.
"Mommy, I missed you."
I wrapped my arms around her and kissed all over her face. "I missed you too."
"Get in your seat so we can show mommy her surprise," Noah told Nia.
"Okay!" She quickly moved to the back seat, and I turned around to help with her seat belt. She knew how to do it but still needed assistance.
Noah turned the car on, then grabbed my hand before pulling away from the building.
Therapy wasn't what I expected, but I was happy that I went, and I looked forward to my next session.