Chapter 47
Ellie
Boston is…lonely. After my initial internship ended, I decided to stay and finish my degree online.
Because that’s what makes the most sense.
It’s the best way to fast track my career.
I’m out of Larkspur. Well, I guess I’m out of Texas entirely.
About as far away as possible actually, even if that wasn’t necessarily the plan.
I’m doing what I always said I was going to do.
I’m out in this big old world, finding myself.
And I’m desperately miserable.
“How ya doin’, Ellie Bellie?” Every time I hear Abby’s voice on the other end of the phone, I nearly burst into tears. I’ve made some friends here, and I like my coworkers, and the locals are perfectly friendly. But they aren’t my best friend.
“I’m alright, my sweet ginger angel. How are things there?”
Dead silence.
“With peace and love, shut the hell up.”
“Ma’am?”
“I’m alright.” Oh boy. She only mocks me like that when she’s gearing up for a full tirade.
“That’s not what I sound like.”
“It sure fucking is,” she says. I hear her draw in a deep breath and pinch the bridge of my nose, bracing myself.
“You can’t even bring yourself to say ‘I’m good’ anymore.
I ask you how you’re doing every time I call you, and every time you either say ‘okay’ or ‘alright.’ You are very clearly neither of those things. ”
“I’m good, Abby, really.”
“I’m good, Abby, really.”
“Will you stop doing that?”
“I certainly will not,” she huffs. “Can you just acknowledge that you hate it there? Can we have an honest conversation for once? Please?”
“I don’t hate it.”
“Okay, but you don’t love it.”
She’s right. I’m ambivalent at best, and at worst, maybe I do actually hate it. But I will never admit that to her–or to anyone else, for that matter.
“It’s just growing pains. I’m still adjusting to being on my own, and balancing work with school. I’m not like you Abs, things don’t just come easily for me.”
“Oh stop it, you don’t even believe that.”
“I could feel that eyeroll from halfway across the country.”
Another long pause.
“It’s not a failure, you know.” Her tone has softened, and the lump that’s always half-formed in my throat comes in full-throttle. “If you decide you want to come home. It’s okay if your plans change. No one is going to give you grief about it.”
Yes please, I want to come home. Now.
“I don’t want to come home, Abs.”
I’m lying. Please come get me.
“It’s good for me out here, I’m learning so much.”
I’m miserable.
“It really is just growing pains, I promise. I’m happy here, you just caught me after a long day.”
Lie. Lie. Lie.
I recognize the sigh she makes–it’s the one that says she knows I’m lying, but she’s not going to push me on it.
Please push me.
“Okay, my love,” she says wearily. “I just worry about you. You know you can come home whenever you want right? Just say the word and I’ll come get you, and you can move in with me and Aaron.
I won’t even tell anyone, if you don’t want.
You can live in the closet under the stairs, Harry Potter style. ”
I force a chuckle through the tears threatening to spill over.
“You don’t even have stairs. But I promise I will, my darling, precious angel.
But I’m seriously okay right now.” I hear her inhale to say something, but I beat her to it.
“I’m good. Even though that’s not grammatically correct. I’m good.”
This time when she pauses, I can almost hear the wheels turning in her mind while she tries to decide if she wants to ask me about it.
“Ask the question, Abigail.”
“Do not use my government name.”
“Abby…”
“You promise it has nothing to do with Gr–the boys?” It comes out so fast it almost sounds like one word. Like if she rips the bandaid off, it won’t hurt as much.
It does.
“No, of course not,” I say, cringing at the awful attempt to sound upbeat. “We actually had a good long talk a few months ago, and we buried the hatchet. I talk to them plenty, it’s not about avoiding them.”
“Really, Ellie?” Now it’s my turn to take a long pause, and I know she doesn’t believe me.
Because of course I don’t talk to them. Jack hasn’t spoken to me since that day at the diner.
David sent a few memes, trying to act like this wasn’t happening, but eventually those stopped too.
Griffin–well, we know where Griffin stands.
“Yeah, we still use our group chat all the time!” The lie feels like ash in my mouth.
“Okay,” she says quietly, and I physically flinch at the hurt in her tone. I’ve never blatantly lied to her like that before. Sure, I’ll tell half-truths about my feelings, or commit lies of omission. But never like this. “Well, I love you, Ellie Bellie. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“I love you, my sweet ginger angel. More than anything in the world. I promise.”
We mumble our goodbyes and end the call.
The silence that follows makes my tiny studio apartment feel enormous–or maybe it just makes me feel small.
Chewing on the skin inside my cheek, I pick my phone up and type out a text.
No part of me wants to send it, but the guilt from lying to Abby outweighs my pride.
Ellie: I miss you guys! Hope everyone is doing well :)
I set my phone face-down on the couch next to me and bury my face in my hands. That was monumentally stupid. “Why, why, why?” I whine out loud, for only me and the one houseplant I’ve managed to keep alive to hear. Dread drops like an anchor in my stomach when my phone vibrates.
David: I MISS YOU
David: YOU GOTTA COME BACK
David: I DEMAND IT
Jack: Miss you, Ellie. Really and truly, I promise.
Jack: But *I* demand that you make your own decisions. And that David shuts up.
Jack: …but also please come home.
Something between a sob and a giggle bursts out of me. I miss them so much it hurts. I miss everything about Texas, about Larkspur. I wish it was as simple as packing up and moving back just because David demanded it.
Griffin: All good here *thumbs up emoji*
My jaw drops so hard it pops. Fuck, that hurt.
Rubbing at the tender joint, I read Griffin’s text fifty times over.
I didn’t expect him to reply. Not after the way we left things.
My heart feels like it’s short-circuiting as it speedruns through a wide range of emotions.
Surprise that he responded. Joy at seeing his name light up my phone again.
Guilt when I remember why it’s been so long.
Grief at the reminder of what I lost. Panic at the thought that I may never get another text from him.
It’s too much. I shoved all Griffin-related feelings deep in a drawer in the back of my mind, and have diligently made sure it never gets opened.
But it’s like Pandora’s box–now that it’s open, there’s no hope of locking it back up again, no matter how ugly those feelings might be.
So because I’m apparently a masochist now, I send another text.
Ellie: Hi Griffin
Ten long, miserable minutes pass, but the thing I didn’t dare let myself hope for actually happens.
Griffin: Hi Eleanor.
Another sob-laugh. I have no idea what to say, but I need to keep this conversation going like I need oxygen.
Ellie: How are you?
Griffin: Like I said, all good here
This is not promising. But it’s also not not promising. At least he’s responding.
Ellie: That’s good, I’m glad
Ellie: I miss you
Griffin: Yeah, you said that
Okay, so I guess things are a lot worse than “not promising.”
Griffin: I miss you too
A dam inside of me breaks, and the floodgates are wide open now.
I have tried so hard not to miss him, have done everything possible to keep myself busy so I don’t have time to think about him.
I was so stupid to think that was even possible.
Every movie night is one I wish was with the boys.
Every lunch is one I wish was at The Park.
Every date is just another man who doesn’t call me darlin’ in a thick Southern drawl. I hate every second of it.
Ellie: Could I maybe call you?
Griffin: Can’t, busy
This time it’s all sob, no laugh. God, I wish I could go back to twenty minutes ago and throw my phone out the window before I had the chance to tell the stupid lie that led to the stupid text.
Griffin: But I can call you tomorrow
All laugh, no sob–I’m going to have the worst emotional hangover.
Ellie: Tomorrow is great. Call me any time, I don’t have any plans
Griffin: No plans on a Saturday?
Shit.
Ellie: Long week, just wanted to hang at my apartment tomorrow
I shift uncomfortably on the couch. The lies are coming a little too easily these days.
Griffin: Alright then
Griffin: I’ll call you tomorrow
For the first time in months, I sleep like a baby.
***
September
Ellie: I’m glad we got to talk
Ellie: It was nice to hear your voice again
Griffin: Me too, darlin’. Me too.
Griffin: Don’t be a stranger.
November
Griffin: Happy 22nd birthday, darlin’.
Ellie: Thank you for remembering :)
Griffin: Like I could ever forget anything about you
Griffin: What’d you wish for this year?
Ellie: I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you
Griffin: C’mon, tell me
Griffin: I’d die a happy man
Ellie: You, Griffin. I wished for you.
December
Griffin: Are you coming home for the holidays?
Ellie: No, my parents are coming here
Ellie: I’m on a big project at work and can’t get away
Griffin: Breaking my heart, darlin’
Ellie: I wish I could see you
Griffin: Name a time and a place, and I’m there
February
Ellie: I miss you already
Ellie: I can’t believe y’all came up here
Griffin: Best 3 days of my life
Griffin: There’s no way I’d miss a chance to see you
Ellie: Sorry we didn’t get any time
Ellie: Just the two of us, I mean
Griffin: If I never hear David attempt a Boston accent again, it’ll be too soon
Griffin: Next time I’ll come see you by myself
Ellie: I would love that
March
Griffin: Did you mean what you said?
Ellie: When?
Griffin: When we were on the phone last night
Ellie: Oh, when I said I think left handed people are faking it?
Griffin: No, but I still think you’re insane
Griffin: I mean what you said when you thought I’d fallen asleep
Ellie: You were awake??
Ellie: And you let me ramble like that??
Griffin: It was cute
Griffin: So did you?
Griffin: Mean what you said?
Ellie: Of course I did.
Ellie: I’ve always meant it, Griffin.
Griffin: Say it again
Ellie: I love you. Always have, always will.
Griffin: I love you, darlin’. Always.
April
Griffin: I miss you
Griffin: Everything okay?
Ellie: Yeah, sorry I went MIA
Ellie: I’ve just been really busy between work and school
Ellie: I love you.
Griffin: Music to my ears. I love you.
June
Ellie: I’m sorry I fell off the face of the earth
Ellie: Please don’t hate me
Griffin: I could never hate you, darlin’
Griffin: Are you alright?
Ellie: Yes, I promise
Griffin: That’s all I care about
Griffin: If you’re ever not alright, please tell me
Griffin: I’d be there in a heartbeat
Ellie: I know you would, and I love you for it
September
Griffin: Hope everything is okay.
Griffin: I miss you
Ellie: I’m the worst person
Ellie: I miss you
Ellie: I swear I don’t go a day without thinking about you
Griffin: Call me next time you think about me
Griffin: I miss your voice
October
Ellie: You’re the only person in the world I could stay on the phone with for six hours
Ellie: And it still doesn’t feel like long enough
Griffin: I never get tired of you, darlin’
Ellie: Sorry that I talk so much
Ellie: I feel like all I do is talk about myself
Griffin: I would go the rest of my life without saying another word if it meant I never had to stop listening to you
Ellie: I don’t deserve you
Griffin: You deserve the world.
Ellie: I love you.
Griffin: I love you.
November
Griffin: Did you get anything delivered today?
Ellie: No, not that I’ve noticed. Why?
Griffin: Maybe you should check your door.
December
Ellie: I still can’t believe you surprised me on my birthday
Griffin: I’ll never forget the look on your face
Griffin: It makes my top five favorite moments for sure
Ellie: No one has ever made me feel as loved as you do
Griffin: I’ll do it for the rest of my life if you’ll let me
Ellie: I think I’d like that very much
March
Griffin: I heard the good news
Griffin: When’s the big day?
Ellie: I can’t stop freaking out
Ellie: They’re leaning toward December
Ellie: Abby has always wanted a Christmas wedding
Griffin: Maid of honor?
Ellie: She’s got me on maid of honor and planner duties
Ellie: I swear this is all I’m going to think about for the next nine months
Griffin: Hopefully you can spare a few moments for me
Ellie: Always.
June
Griffin: How’s planning going?
Ellie: Holy shit, there’s so much to do
Ellie: I didn’t know there was so much to do
Griffin: I don’t think I want to know
Ellie: I’m never having a wedding.
Ellie: I’m eloping.
Ellie: I wouldn’t do this to my worst enemy
Ellie: But I’ve never been happier, I would do anything for Abby and Aaron
Griffin: I know, darlin’. Eloping sounds great to me
Ellie: Who says it’ll be with you?
Griffin: You wound me.
Ellie: You know I can’t picture it with anyone else.
Ellie: I love you, cowboy
Griffin: You gotta stop calling me that, I don’t work on a ranch
Ellie: Yeah but you wear the hat and have the accent
Ellie: That’s good enough for me
Griffin: You’re something else
Griffin: I love you too, darlin’
August
Ellie: I’ll be in Larkspur for a few days at the end of this month for the bachelorette party
Ellie: Can I see you?
Griffin: I’d move heaven and earth to see you, Eleanor
September
Ellie: Will you be my date to the wedding?
Griffin: You tell me when and where, I’ll be there
Ellie: I can’t wait to see you
Griffin: I can’t wait to see you in that dress
Griffin: The picture you sent damn near knocked me on my ass
Griffin: You’re gonna put the bride to shame
Ellie: If Abby hears you say that she’ll cut your head off
Griffin: I won’t let her hear then
December
Ellie: I’ll see you tomorrow :)
Griffin: Counting down the seconds, darlin’