Chapter 48
Griffin
I’ve never really been a big wedding guy.
Not that I’ve been to many–I think my experience begins and ends with being the ring bearer in my aunt’s wedding when I was six years old, which ended in catastrophe.
But what’s a boy to do when a kite bird decides we’re a little too close to its nest and starts divebombing the guests?
If you answered, “launch the pillow with the rings at the bird and run away screaming,” you’d be correct.
But this wedding? I don’t know if it’s because Aaron and Abby are close friends, or because I know how much work Eleanor put into this, but I’ve been damn near in tears for most of the day.
Of course I didn’t say it out loud, but I was right–Eleanor blew everyone out of the water, even the bride.
When she came down that aisle arm in arm with Aaron’s brother, red wine satin dress hugging her in all the right places, my heart just about stopped.
A vision of her walking down a different aisle, this time in a white dress with her dad on her arm, made me weak in the knees.
The rest of the ceremony and all through the reception, when everyone else’s gaze was fixed on the happy couple, my eyes were locked on the blonde beauty with tears streaking down her cheeks from the joy of watching her best friend start her future with the love of her life.
“You ready to head home darlin’?” I step up behind Eleanor, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and bringing her back flush with my chest. She just finished a conversation with the venue coordinator, closing out the final details of the night and declaring the wedding officially over. “I sure am ready to get you there.”
Eleanor hums in approval, leaning her head back against my shoulder and gripping my forearms. “You look sexy as hell in that tux,” she murmurs, low enough so that only I can hear. “But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been dying to get you out of it from the moment I saw you earlier.”
Lord have mercy.
“Okay, time to go,” I growl, unwinding my arms and placing my hands and her shoulders, marching her out of the ballroom while she throws her head back with laughter.
I glance over my shoulder one last time, taking in the empty dancefloor and the venue crew starting to clean up the remnants of the reception.
It makes me think the same thing I’ve been thinking all night.
This is going to be us someday.
Sooner than later if I have anything to say about it.
And I do. A solitaire emerald cut ring has been burning a hole in the inside pocket of my tux jacket since I tucked it in there this morning.
I know it’s taboo to ask someone to marry you at a wedding–which is why I’m waiting until we get home.
I’ve known from day one that I wanted to marry this girl, and I don’t want to wait another second.
We’ve talked about forever so many times over the last year, and every time she brings it up I light up like a Christmas tree.
When we first started talking again I went into every phone call, every text, with a pit in my stomach, wondering if this was going to be the conversation when she changed her mind again.
Two years later, even through some long periods of silence brought on by the busyness of adulthood, she’s still here.
And she’s the one talking about the future.
“I love love,” she sighs, curling into my side as we walk to the truck. “I’ve never been happier than I am today.”
That’s my opening. Holy shit. Okay, this is it.
“You know, I was thinking the same thing.” She leans against the side of the truck, turning to face me when she notices that I haven’t moved to open her door. “But I think that every day. Every time I talk to you, I’ve never been happier than I am at that moment.”
She smiles sweetly, tilting her head up and dragging me down by my tie until our lips touch. The kiss is slow and gentle–the kind that makes me soar even higher than the needy, passionate, downright feral ones. “I love you, Griffin Hart.”
“I love you, Ellie Turner.” Inhaling a shaky breath, I continue, “I always have. And I always will. And watching Abby and Aaron tonight has made me more sure than ever that you’re the only one I’m ever going to want.
” Reaching into the pocket against my chest, I pull the ring out and hold it between us.
“I know I shouldn’t do this at a wedding, but I don’t think I can wait another second. ”
When I look up at her face, her eyes are wide with shock.
But she’s not smiling. She looks like a deer caught in headlights, desperately wanting to run but rooted to the spot in fear.
“I know we’re young,” I say reassuringly, reaching for her hand.
“And there’s a lot to figure out. But I don’t want to figure it out with anyone else. ”
“Griffin,” she whispers. “Please don’t do this.”
My blood runs cold, and everything stops. My hearing, my breathing, my heart. I’ve seen this look on her face before. It’s the one that’s haunted all my nightmares for years.
This can’t be happening again.
“Why, darlin’?” My voice is hoarse and desperate. “Why not?”
“Because I…I can’t,” she breathes, and I can hear the panic rising in her voice. “Your life is here, my life is in Boston, we’re so young. Why do things need to change? I thought everything was fine.”
“We’re the same age as Aaron and Abby,” I counter. “And you’re making it sound like I’m breaking up with you, not promising to love you forever. What’s scaring you so bad, Eleanor?” I finally start to breathe again, but it comes in quick, shallow pants. “I thought we were past this.”
“I thought we were, too.” She looks at me, eyes miserable and full of tears. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I love you. I know I want you. But then you stand there so sure of everything and I’m just…not.”
"But you're the one who started this," I mutter, mostly to myself. "You're the one who reached back out to me, you're the one who didn't let me go."
"I know I did," she replies in a small voice, gaze dropping to the gravel parking lot beneath our feet. "I know."
"Then why? If you didn't mean it, why'd you do it?" Hot tears prick my eyes, and I swipe at them furiously to keep them at bay.
"I meant it when I said I love you, I swear," she pleads. "I just don't know if I could say 'forever' and mean it."
I take a step backward, sliding the ring back into my pocket and staring at the spot over her shoulder. I can’t look her in the face, not right now.
“Griffin, this has to stop.” Her voice breaks on the last word as she looks up at me. “We can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep letting me do this to you.”
“Then stop doing it to me, darlin’. Please don’t run again, please don’t rip us apart.”
“I don’t want to,” she whispers. “I don't want to be the girl who calls you up when she's lonely, then disappears again. But what if that's all I am? What if I'm not as wonderful as you think I am? What if you deserve better?"
"I don't want better, Eleanor. I want you."
"I know," she continues in the same hushed tone. "And I want you, Griffin. But I also can’t say yes to you. I can’t give you what you want right now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.”
My eyes squeeze shut, finally allowing the tears to run freely. This is not what I thought was going to happen. I thought we’d both be crying happy tears. But we’re right back where we always end up–me placing my heart in her hands, and her handing it right back.
“I have to ask the worst thing of you,” she sobs.
“Something is…wrong. In my brain. I never want to hurt you, and yet I can’t stop doing it.
I need you to do it this time. I need you to be the one to walk away.
I need you to cut me off, block me out. I am selfish, and awful, and cruel, and I’m asking you anyway.
Please let me go. And don’t let me come back again. ”
This is different. This is a thousand times worse than anything we’ve been through before. Even when we didn’t talk for years at a time, I think both of us knew we’d find our way back to each other. But this doesn’t feel like that. This feels…final. Like we’ve really reached the end.
“Please don’t do this,” my words echo hers from earlier, but completely opposite. “We can figure this out. We don’t have to get married, it’s fine. I just want you. Please don’t give up.”
“Oh, my sweet man,” she says, reaching up to wipe my tears away and cupping my cheek. “I don’t want to give you up, please believe that. But you deserve so much better than what I do to you over and over. I think we’re at the end of the line here.”
“But we were supposed to be forever. We were meant to have a life together.”
“I really thought we would. And I know it’s my fault that we won’t, and it kills me. But this is it.”
I scrape my hand down my face and clear my throat. “Okay. Okay, if this is really what you want. I’ll let you go.” Even if it kills me.
“It’s not what I want. But it’s what you need, even if you don’t see it yet.”
“It has to be the last time.” Something inside of me has shut down.
My voice is hollow and monotone, as if I’ve hit the bottom of some well and have no emotion left to give.
“You said it yourself–we can’t keep doing this.
I cannot do this again Eleanor. If you walk away again, that’s it.
I really mean it this time. We can’t come back from this. ”
“I know,” she says defeatedly. “I know.”
“I’m always going to love you, you know?”
“I know,” she nods. “And I will never love anyone but you. I don’t think I’d even know how. It’s just not enough.”
I nod in silent agreement, backing further away so she has a clear path back to the venue. And for the last time, I watch the love of my life walk away from me.
She doesn’t turn to look back.