Chapter 21
A dam had broken, and Vanna let it surge. The tears, the screams, the defeat she felt in the moments after Gail had been shot and arrested, powered through her like a bulldozer, until the entire world spun around her.
Strong arms kept her from falling to the floor and possibly hurting herself. Aden had gone to his knees too, continuing to keep his grip on her even as she needed to let go of the weight that had been holding her upright for so long. It had pulsed through every fiber of her, daily struggles mingled with the remnants of the new storm that had come to ravage her life. Every day of this month, she’d been cognizant of all that she was carrying, but she continued to move on, to press through, because that’s what she’d been so used to doing. It was what so many women felt they had to do. But all of a sudden, it all became too heavy. Too much to remain standing and hold on to, so she let it go.
“What ... what did I ever do to her?” she choked out the words. “What did I do to deserve any of this?”
Vanna usually hated a Why me? cry, but she couldn’t help the words, couldn’t keep them contained any longer.
“Nothing, baby,” Aden said, keeping one hand at her back to steady her while his other hand rubbed up and down her arm. “This was never about you.”
“But it was!” she screamed. “Didn’t you hear her? It was always about me. She hated me because I took her son away from her and then I didn’t treat him the way she thought I should. Then he dies and that’s my fault too.” She shuddered at those words.
“No, ma’am,” Jamaica said as she knelt down on the other side of Vanna. “You are not going to sit here and blame yourself for that whacko woman or her trash-ass son. They were a mess before you even met him.”
“She’s right,” Aden said. “You know that, Vanna.”
She knew what they were saying, had heard and digested the words, but she didn’t want the excuse. No, in this moment, she wanted to take the blame, to hold it near and dear for every day that she’d used all her energy to push those thoughts away. If she embraced it now, maybe it would be over sooner. Maybe this hurt and anger would leave her the hell alone. “I can’t do this!” she screamed this time, and started to push herself up off the floor.
Aden moved with her, giving her permission to lean on him as much as she needed to. “Let’s go over here and sit down.”
“No,” she said in an eerily soft voice. “I don’t want to sit at the table that was so prettily decorated for my birthday party.” Another sob broke free. “It’s my birthday, dammit!”
“Oh, Vanna,” Ronni said, tears filling her eyes. “Honey, I’m so sorry it turned out this way.”
“I should’ve known,” she said. “Shouldn’t have expected—” She let those words trail off because they didn’t feel right against her tongue. None of this felt right, and she couldn’t figure out how to fix it. Vanna always fixed things, especially for herself. Whatever went wrong, she figured it out and did what was required to get through it. That was her thing—it was her superpower. But not this time.
“I don’t want to be here,” she said. “I want to go home.”
“Okay, I’ll take you home,” Aden said.
“We’ll follow you,” Jamaica said. “We’ll take the celebration back to your house. And it’ll be just us.”
Vanna looked at them, each of them—her best friends and their plus-ones, and Granny. They were her support system, the people she could lean on for everything, and yet she knew she hadn’t leaned on them enough. Hadn’t shared all her thoughts and fears in these past weeks. And Aden, the man who’d come along and pushed himself into a space she was perfectly fine with being empty. Why did she need a hero when she could be one for herself?
But what was she supposed to do in moments like now, when she couldn’t do it? Couldn’t immediately pick up the pieces and do the things she needed to do to move on?
“Yeah,” she said with a slow nod. “I’d like it to be just us.” And she reached out to take Aden’s hand. “Take me home.”
Home had turned out to be Aden’s place, as sometime during the ride, Vanna decided she didn’t want to go back to the house where she’d once lived with Caleb. Not at that moment. So Aden had suggested his place, and a quick text to the group had them all rerouting and landing at the door of Aden’s cozy town house. They’d had a couple of drinks, two more toasts to the birthday girl, and then they’d all headed home.
Jamaica and Davon offered to take Granny back to the house, while Vanna had accepted Aden’s invitation to spend the night there. He’d extended that invite to Granny as well, but Vanna had heard her grandmother tell him, “No. She needs you tonight. And I trust you to take care of her.”
That’s how she’d ended up sleeping in Aden’s arms all night. Now, as sun poured through the window through the half-raised shade early the next morning, she pulled the charcoal-gray-and-white sheets up over her shoulder and rolled onto her side.
Memories of last night filtered through her mind as she blinked slowly to remove the sleep from her eyes. Aden’s bedroom was as neat as the other parts of his house she’d seen last night. The living room, with its brown-and-beige decor, and the kitchen, with the huge table he’d told Granny was bought at his mother’s insistence because she expected him to help his sister in hosting some of their family holiday dinners. Something he hadn’t done yet because he’d been so busy opening the gym and now the supplement storefront.
His bedroom was large and airy, as he only had the bed and two dressers in it. A huge TV was mounted on the wall across from the bed, and she’d glimpsed a walk-in closet last night before she’d taken over his bathroom for a long, hot shower. He’d let her take the shower alone and had one of his T-shirts and the sheets already turned down for her when she emerged. Exhausted from last night and the prior month’s events, she’d been asleep by the time Aden joined her in the bed.
Sometime during the night, she’d awakened enough to recall she wasn’t in her own bed but that a wonderful man had her tucked safely in his arms. So she’d drifted back to sleep until this moment, when she’d awakened to thoughts that threatened to suffocate her.
There was no box of cards on Aden’s dresser that she could flip through and find some semblance of strength and encouragement for the day. No, today she would have to figure this shit out on her own. She would have to decide what her mood was going to be and how much of what had happened last night she was going to carry.
None of it, was the quick answer. Not one tiny bit of it. Because none of it was her fault or her burden to share. Gail’s issues, which Vanna didn’t even have a clue where to begin with, were her own. The woman was definitely going through something, had been through something, and would probably continue to let that something haunt and torment her. But Vanna didn’t have to do the same.
She didn’t have to, nor did she want to. Seeing what Gail had turned into after years of probably being bitter and resentful had been proof that Vanna’s desire to breathe positivity into her life on a daily basis through her cards was a smart one. Now she just had to figure out how to keep that positivity going beyond the words. She had to implement them into a new lifestyle.
And to do that, she had to let go of this old life once and for all. That’s what this month was supposed to have been about anyway, but this morning, Vanna realized that she hadn’t been fully prepared to close the door on some things. Sure, she’d told herself, and she’d even shared with Aden, her plan to start the divorce proceedings in September. But truthfully, she didn’t have a lawyer in mind to handle it for her, and so there was no appointment in her planner to start that process. Which was odd because she knew a handful of divorce attorneys, most of whom had offices in the same building where she worked. So how easy would it have been to make that appointment ahead of time, just as she’d so meticulously planned out her FFSF weekends? She wasn’t going to spiral so far to start asking how easily she could’ve done that long before now, because she was over having regrets. And now divorce wasn’t an issue she had to address at all.
But letting go of the chapter of her life that had included Caleb was. It was long past time to close that book, put it on the shelf, and never look back on it again. Well, no, not exactly. There was something to be said about burying the past but keeping the lessons. A phrase from one of her cards. Even now that she had a better understanding of who Caleb was, none of it excused how he’d treated her. And it finally occurred to her that’s what she’d been looking for all this time. A reason for why things had turned out the way they had. Someone to blame. An apology. Absolution. None of which would be coming. A fact she would now accept.
Bad things happened, and she dealt with them—that was the type of woman she was. The type of woman she’d had to be. Right or wrong. Fair or unjust. It just was. But she didn’t have to wear that anger and resentment as a shield. She didn’t have to remain in a holding pattern of despair and uncertainty. She could just be who and what she was and be happy at the same time. She wanted to be who and what she was and be happy at the same time.
“You think too much.” Aden’s deep voice rumbled against her neck as he rolled over to spoon her and dropped his arm over her waist.
He pulled her back tightly against him, similar to the way he’d held her most of the night. And she snuggled back against him, loving the feeling of warmth and safety he provided.
Safe. That’s how she felt with Aden. It had taken her a while to move past the fear and distrust, but when she had in this past week, she’d understood the foreign feeling that had really been plaguing her about him was safety. Something she’d only felt with a few people in this world. Granny, Jamaica, and Ronni. They’d been her rocks for so long, had loved her even when she’d thought she was unlovable, and she hated that she hadn’t really seen that until they’d all stood with her last night.
“But they’re good thoughts, though,” she said on a heavy sigh. “I’m allowed to have good thoughts.”
“You are,” he replied. “You wanna share any of those good thoughts?”
Instinct had her wanting to retreat, to keep her private thoughts and feelings to herself because if she dared speak them aloud, they might be laughed at or dispelled. But with a slow shake of her head, she took a deep breath and said, “Sure.”
Aden rolled over onto his back then, pulling her with him as he moved. Until they were settled into a new position, with his arm still holding her tightly against him, but with her partially on top of him so she could look up at him. He looked amazing even first thing in the morning. His chest was bare, eyes focused on her, lips still kissable despite the possibility of morning breath.
“I owe you an apology,” she said.
“No, you don’t,” he countered.
“But I do,” she insisted, and then tapped a finger to his lips. “Just let me get this out.”
When he nodded, she pulled her hand back from his face, but not all the way. Her fingers moved through his beard and over to cup his jaw as she continued. “I didn’t expect you. I didn’t want to want you at first. And then, after I’d had you, I didn’t want to need you.”
She took another breath and swallowed, pushing back the uneasiness that threatened to bubble up. There was no fear here, she reminded herself. This could be— he could be a safe space if she opened herself up to it. And today, the first day of her new beginning, she was determined to do this.
“I thought if I let myself dream about another happy ever after that I would be just setting myself up for failure again,” she said. “And I couldn’t fail, Aden. Not at love, not again. My heart, my sanity, wouldn’t have survived it. So I thought if I just kept that door closed—you know, the way I did with the other guys I’d been with since my marriage—that was the smart move. To not want too much, not expect the impossible.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she swore this must have been the month of crying, because she had done way too much of it. But probably not really enough. What if she hadn’t spent so much time bottling up her emotions, putting on the strong face all the time? How much sooner would she have reached this place in her life? How much sooner would she have been able to claim this peace that she’d been searching for so very long?
“But I should have expectations,” she said, her voice stronger than she’d heard in a very long time. “In addition to loving myself, I should expect love when I’m willing to give it. Even if I may not get it, I should still have that expectation. And I should endeavor to find it instead of convincing myself that I was never worthy of love in the first place.”
Now he lifted his other hand to cup her face. “Why?” The question came in a hoarse whisper. His brow furrowed as he continued to stare at her. “Why would you have ever thought you weren’t worthy of love?”
Vanna leaned into his touch and closed her eyes. There was so much this man didn’t know about her, and yet he had shown up to take care of her, to offer her all of himself, time and time again. She felt like such a fool for trying to push him away—but again, no more regrets. Lifting her gaze to his, she smiled.
“My mother left me at a bus station when I was seven,” she said, then had to clear her throat of the emotion that stuck there with those words. “Before then, she used to oversleep—or rather, be passed out from a hangover—so I’d miss the school bus and, subsequently, school. I learned how to push the chair over to the counter, then climb up so I could get the box of cereal and a bowl out of the cabinet when I was five. Spilled my share of milk and got my share of beatings for doing so, but eventually I figured out how to feed myself. Because Mama couldn’t always do it.”
“Baby,” Aden whispered, and rubbed his other hand up and down her back.
“No, don’t feel sorry for me,” she said. “Granny came and got me from the police station the day of the bus-station incident, and I never went back to live with my mother. She has a drinking problem. She had it before she had me, so I know now that it’s not because of something I did or didn’t do. Still, her problem became my trauma, and I let that shape my life.”
Another deep, shuddering breath came, and those tears fell slowly until Aden caught them with his thumb to both sides of her face.
“She’s dying now,” Vanna said for the first time since Granny had given her the news. “And I don’t really know how I feel about that. What I do know is that I’m sick of being in this holding pattern. Of waiting for the other shoe to drop on whatever type of relationship I’m in. My marriage was a mess, but that’s been over for quite some time. It should’ve been in my heart as well as my mind, but I think the bigger lesson was in going through all the emotions and finally finding myself.”
“Is that where you are now?” he asked, still cupping her face and rubbing his hand over her back.
“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “I believe I am. And I have you to thank for that, partially. I mean, I’ve been working my way to this point. Had already decided this was my time for a new beginning. But then you came along and put the proverbial cherry on top.”
His grin spread, and the sight of it warmed her heart. She could make him smile. Just her. Wearing no makeup, without a shower or brushing her teeth, she made this amazing man smile.
“So, while I wouldn’t change our first meet-cute or our reunion meet-cute at all, I’m hoping for more good times with you, Aden Granger. More getting to know each other, more exploring new feelings and expectations. I’m just looking forward to more.”
He maneuvered them until she was fully on top of him now, her legs straddling his hips, her breasts smushed against his chest while one of his arms remained tightly around her waist. The other moved up her back until his hand cupped the back of her head. She was thankful for the braids because the impromptu overnight stay had left her without her bonnet, and her hair out in curls would’ve surely been a mess by now.
“You can have as much as you want, Savannah. The world is yours, baby. I am yours; take everything that makes your heart soar.”
It was him, she thought as she lowered her face to his. In this moment, it was he who made her heart soar. And she poured all those thoughts and emotions into the sweet and sultry kiss they fell into.