Chapter 5
Harvey
“What’ll it be today, H?” The buzz of tattoo guns filled the room, a sound I associated with comfort. I could quiet my head and drive away the demons there.
“I’m going for something simple today. Just a few words.”
“No problem. Any particular colour?” Rafi wiped the patch of skin on my forearm. “You won’t have much room left at the rate you’re going.”
I shrugged. “I’ll always find somewhere, and this one won’t take up too much space.”
“Are you sure that’s where you want it? There’s room on your shoulder if you’d like it there.”
I knew that, but I wanted these words written on my forearm so I could see them easily.
“I want to see them. Every day.”
“You’re the boss. How about a deep red? Or dark blue? What did you have in mind?”
I’d contemplated long and hard and decided on a deep blue. Red evoked images of blood, and while I didn’t mind the sight, I didn’t want to ruin the words with the evidence of my shame.
“A cursive font, but it needs to be legible.” I wanted to know what it said the instant I saw it. “And dark blue. Not quite black.”
“I’ve got just the colour.”
Rafi disappeared into the back. I looked at the pictures and photographs on the wall. Each time Rafi asked, I declined. My tattoos were private. Reminders of my past, my feelings were imbued in each one. Sorrow, shame, love, hate.
Every tattoo had a meaning behind it, and I didn’t want them on show for everyone to see.
Hell, I didn’t think I’d shown them to anyone other than Julie. I had none on my face or hands. Nothing could be seen unless I was naked, and I was never that.
Julie had only seen two or three, and certainly not the ones that meant the most to me.
I clenched my fist and watched as the veins in my wrist stood out. White scars marred the skin, but Rafi never said a word, never asked the question that no doubt lingered on his lips.
I went back to last night and what I’d seen. For years, I’d known in my heart that loving or lusting after another man was wrong. It was a sin, disgusting, and taboo, so why did I want it so much? Why did I find Killian the most beautiful man I’d ever seen?
Why did I want him to touch me like he’d touched his partner last night?
I’d resisted all the urges when I arrived home. How, I didn’t quite know. Maybe Julie’s words were finally getting through to me. I’d been reasonably calm this morning. Something had settled within me. Maybe it was seeing the men in the club, or perhaps I wanted Killian more than I cared to admit.
So much so that I was willing to forget my anxieties. Nah, I knew that wasn’t the case. Why was life so fucking complicated?
Rafi returned moments later and got to work getting everything ready. I watched with interest as he laid the equipment out on the tray.
His talent never ceased to amaze me. I’d been visiting him for years and refused to let anyone else touch me. If he wasn’t available, I waited until he was.
More importantly, he made me comfortable. There were no accompanying anxieties, no panic attacks. His voice was always calm. He kept conversation to a minimum, and I knew nothing of him other than his name.
Rafi.
Was it his first name? Surname? I didn’t know. Everyone in the shop called him that. If I were a different person, perhaps we’d have been friends.
“Sharp sting, H. You know the drill.”
I nodded, giving him permission to start.
I’d seen people cry whilst getting their tattoos, whereas I relished the pain it brought. This wasn’t too bad, though. I’d had worse.
I lay back in the chair and closed my eyes, the buzz of the machine soothing my frantic brain. It wouldn’t take long, but it’d be enough. Hell, I’d sat there for hours at a time with some of my bigger pieces, never flinching, never complaining.
Rafi had laughed once and asked if I was a robot. He’d never seen anyone as stoic as me, but I’d never been one to show my emotions. Not since I’d lost my parents, anyway.
Lost in my head, I was surprised when he told me he was done. I glanced down at the words, the skin around them red and raised.
“Like it?” He put the machine down and dabbed at the tattoo, removing the last vestiges of blood.
“I do, thank you.” I gazed at the words that meant so much to me. Not just because of my parents, but because when I’d heard the words float from Killian’s mouth, they’d hit me in a way none had done before.
Barely Breathing.
This was me for the past few years, like I was barely keeping my head above water. But what did I have to live for?
The realisation was like a gut punch, knocking the breath from my body.
This wasn’t right. I’d stopped living the moment Grandma had died, but surely it was time to change. Time to do something about my life.
“I don’t need to tell you how to look after it. You’ve had enough.” Rafi covered it, his gloved fingers gentle on my skin, “but if you have any issues, come back in, and we’ll sort it out.”
“Thanks, Rafi.”
He stopped what he was doing and looked at me. “Huh, I don’t think you’ve ever called me by my name. Not in all the time you’ve been coming here.”
“I’m sure I have.” I rolled my sleeve back down.
“Nah, I remember shit like that. I like it, though. Thanks, man.”
“You’re welcome?” I followed him to the counter and handed over my card.
“I should make you a loyalty card; you’re here that often.” He smiled, his blue eyes twinkling. How had I never noticed them before?
“Buy one, get one free?” I laughed. It sounded foreign even to my ears.
“Not quite.” He gave me back my card, but before I could turn to leave, he spoke again. “You seem different today. More relaxed than usual.”
“Are you saying I’m usually tense?” If I wasn’t mistaken, this was the most I’d spoken to him since coming here. Did he think I was a proper miserable bastard?
“Not tense, no. I don’t know. I can’t quite put my finger on it. It’s good, though.”
I nodded. “I’ve been feeling better.” And why is that? Julie would ask, but he wasn’t Julie, and this wasn’t therapy. “Something and nothing really.”
“Whatever it is, it suits you.”
“I’ll see you next time.”
“Great to see you again, H. Have a good day, man.”
“Yeah, you too, Rafi.”
“Who’s next?” he said, and I turned to leave, almost bumping into another man.
“Me. I’m next. It’s Seth.”
Wednesday, and I was back on the tube. My usual companion sat a few seats down, looking most displeased that someone had taken the seat next to her.
Monday and Tuesday had been uneventful. Work, then home. Rinse and repeat.
The journey was boring as usual, with the sounds of people coughing and sneezing in the background. These trains were a breeding ground for illnesses, and I’d be fucking annoyed if I came down with anything.
I longed for the days of face masks and six feet of personal space.
The weather had turned even colder over the weekend, but the number of bodies in the compartment made it hot and uncomfortable. I couldn’t wait to get off. I fought my way through the crowds and emerged onto the street, already exhausted for the day.
A brisk walk, and I made it to the office to find Ed standing by the lift.
“Harvey, my man. How was your weekend? What did you get up to?” I’d not seen him since last week, and today he seemed overly cheerful even for him.
“The usual.” The usual being nothing at all.
“You always say that, but I still don’t know what the usual is.”
That was the point. I kept myself to myself. It was better that way.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what I did?” No doubt it was good if the satisfied smile was anything to go by.
I didn’t really care, but he told me anyway.
“Well, Wednesday night after you bailed on us, I asked Sally out. She said yes, obviously. I mean, who could resist all this?”
He chuckled to himself, and I had to smile. He was confident, if nothing else.
“And you took her out?” I asked, feigning interest.
I longed for the lift to hurry.
“Yes. We had a lovely, romantic meal, and we’re going out again.”
“That’s marvellous. I’m happy for you.”
“You say the words, Harvey, but I’m not sure I believe you. There’s more to life than this. Come on. Isn’t there anyone you want to spend the rest of your life with?”
“You want to spend the rest of your life with her after one date?” The doors of the lift opened, and we stepped inside.
“Well, no, but it’s a start, isn’t it? I’ve liked her for a while, just never had the nerve to ask her out before.”
“You’re right. It is a start.” I watched the red numbers above the doors, wishing they’d move quicker.
He leant against the side of the lift, a stupid grin on his face. At least he seemed happy.
“Oh, we’re going to that bar again tonight. Wanna come? Maybe Sally won’t be all googly-eyed over Killian this time, although if I remember rightly, you were taken with him as well.”
Had I been that obvious?
“You’re being ridiculous, Ed. I didn’t like him.”
“Men like men, Harvey. Happens all the time. Stefan in HR is gay. He’s married to a guy. They came to the summer party. Nice bloke.”
I wouldn’t know. I didn’t go to corporate events.
“It was nothing like that,” I said. “He sang a song that reminded me of my parents. It brought back some memories. That was all.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Why don’t you come again? I told Sally you’d come. She thinks you’re lonely.”
“I’m not lonely, Ed. I’m just not a people person.”
He laughed again. “Understatement of the year.”
I looked up at the numbers again. One more floor and he’d be gone.
“I’ll think about it.”
I had every intention of not going, but later that day, Sally caught hold of me in the break room. “Ed says you’ll come later. I’m so happy. Vivian, who works with me, is coming as well.”
Fuck. Was this a double date?
“I didn’t say…”
“Aw, come on. It’ll be fun.”
No, it wouldn’t, but I smiled and said nothing more. How the fuck was I going to get out of this?
Seemed like I wasn’t, and before I could get away for the evening, the trio stood at my desk, all smiles and giggles. I fought the urge to roll my eyes but closed them and took a deep breath.
“I really don’t think this is a good idea. I need to get home.”
“For what? We all know you live alone, unless you’ve got a pet you need to take care of.”
Yes, that was the excuse I was looking for, but if I went straight home, I’d not get to see Killian again. And I really wanted to see him again, just not with these three looking on.
I wanted to drown in the voice that sounded like flowing water; natural and graceful, soothing and steady. A voice that held a touch of gravel, giving it an edge, sending shivers up my spine.
“Fine. One drink, then I’m gone.”
I wouldn’t let him be the one who put me back in my recovery. After this, I’d force myself not to see him again and go back to my humdrum existence.
I walked a pace behind them, hoping they wouldn’t involve me in their conversations, but Vivian insisted on dropping back to walk with me.
I had no idea what she was prattling on about, my focus being on the bar we were going to and the man I’d find there. My mind centred on the night ahead and how I would react seeing him again.
I glimpsed Killian as we walked in, dressed much the same as last time. My heart stopped for a second, and my stomach did somersaults. How could the sight of him do these things to me?
He stood by the bar, a drink in his hand, laughing at something someone had said, and a huge smile lit up his face.
I could do this, but it was such a bad idea.
The incessant itching began, and I swayed, now lightheaded. My clothes tightened, and my heart raced. I licked my dry lips, scraping the bottom lip with my teeth. I gripped onto a chair and tried to steady myself.
Panic overtook me. Sweat erupted on my skin, tingling like needles. I knew I couldn’t stay there. I’d barely got away with it last time; I wouldn’t be able to fight it again. This time, the cut would be deeper. This time, I wouldn’t stop.
The man was poisonous. He’d be my downfall.
Because of him, everything I’d worked for would come crashing down. I couldn’t allow that to happen.
Not again.
But before I could leave, my feet went out from under me, and I crashed to the floor, the room slowly fading from view.