Chapter 12
Killian
By the time I made it back to the dining room, Harvey had cleared his dinner plate and was about to finish his pudding. Shame, really. I wouldn’t have minded another helping.
The meal tonight had been the best one I’d had in ages.
I hadn’t been joking when I said I’d been living on Pot Noodles.
They were cheap and tasty enough if you added a shit load of ketchup.
The company had also been better than the mouse I’m sure I shared my flat with, too.
He still looked tired, though, and it was getting late.
“It’s been a grand night, Harv, but I think I’m gonna split.”
“I’m sorry I’ve not been a good host. You washed up, burnt your finger, I poured my heart…”
“And I ate the best meal. I had a great time, and we should do it again.”
He looked shocked. “Really? I didn’t scare you off?”
“Nah. I’m not lying when I said I had a grand time, but I’ve an early start tomorrow.”
“On a Sunday?”
“Yep. I’ve got a gig at some music festival celebrating… I don’t know what exactly. A friend of a friend invited me. Would you like to come?”
“I can’t think of anything worse.” His flush crept across his cheeks as he realised what he’d said. “I don’t mean you’re bad or anything. Oh my God. That’s not what I meant at all.” He put his head in his hands and hid.
I laughed and pulled his hands away. “I know it wasn’t, and the weather is giving torrential rain, so with a bit of luck, it might be called off. If I could stay inside in the warm, I would too.”
I was a little disappointed he’d said no, but I didn’t want to push my luck with him. Tonight had been a big step. He just needed time to adjust.
“Look, Killian…”
“No need to apologise. I’ll let you know how it goes, though, if that’s okay?”
“More than okay. I know a lot happened tonight, but I really enjoyed myself.”
“Well, try getting rid of me now. I’d better…” I gestured toward the door, unsure what to do. Should we hug? Shake hands?
Anyone else and I’d have hugged the shit out of them, but this was Harvey, and knowing his story, I wasn’t sure he’d go for it.
“Night, then, and good luck tomorrow.”
He shoved his hands in his jeans pockets and followed me as I walked towards the door. A stiff breeze blew as he opened it, knocking me back a step. Hard rain pelted us.
“Whoa, that storm moved in quick,” I said, cursing myself for not wearing a coat.
“How are you getting home?”
“Leg it to the station and get the last train.”
“That’s over half a mile away. You’ll be soaked by the time you get there.”
What choice did I have? I couldn’t afford a taxi. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Harv. A little rain never hurt anyone.”
Except this was worse than I’d seen in a while. I could barely see the other end of the street.
Harvey yanked me back inside the house and slammed the door, shutting out the wind and rain.
“You can stay here if you like. I have a spare room. The bed’s always made up. I don’t have any clothes that’d fit you, though.”
“Are you sure about this? I could get a taxi, no problem.” I might have to sell my soul to pay for it, or do a runner, but I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable in his own home.
He pressed his lips together. “I’m sure. It’s up to you.”
“As long as it’s okay. Thanks, Harvey. I owe you one. I promise to be out of your hair first thing in the morning. But how the fuck didn’t we hear anything?”
“Old house. Thick walls, and the bushes out front shield the windows from the rain. I’m not surprised in the least.”
We returned to the kitchen, and Harvey put the kettle on. “Tea? Coffee? Or I have Horlicks.”
I sniggered. I knew it was a nighttime drink, but it never failed to make me laugh. “Horlicks.”
“What? What’s wrong with it?”
I shook my head and stifled another giggle. “Absolutely nothing, Harv. Coffee will do for me, though. Black, no sugar.”
He worked silently, making coffee for me, tea for him.
We carried them through to the lounge and took the same seats as before. He again tucked his feet beneath him. I took that as a good sign.
“So, you know all about me. What about you? What made you move to England?”
I wasn’t sure if he was ready for that conversation. Hell, I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that conversation, but he’d been open and honest with me all night. Maybe it was time I did the same.
“It’s not a pretty story.”
“They rarely are. You heard mine, right? Not exactly a bedtime story.”
“I killed my brother.”
“What the…?” His eyes widened, his mouth slack.
“Well, not exactly. It’s a long story.”
“Wow, Killian. I don’t know what to say to that. I’m shocked, but I’m sure you have an explanation. Start at the beginning. We’ve got all night.” Harvey’s eyes looked bright, not sleepy as they had earlier. I guessed my confession had woken him up.
“I grew up in a place called Ballybrack, about half an hour south of Dublin. Not too far from a place called Killiney. Two guys from U2 live there, and Enya. You know her?”
He shook his head, but I wasn’t surprised.
“She’s a popular Celtic singer, I guess. Ever heard of Orinoco Flow?”
“Sorry, no.”
“No need to apologise. It’s not that important. Anyway, a group of us used to go to the beach there as kids, and as we got older, we’d drive there. Have fires, drink, make out, that kind of thing.”
I paused. I’d locked the memory down tight, but the details were still crystal clear even though I’d barely been able to stand. Why hadn’t anyone tried to stop me?
Because they’d been as pissed as I was.
“It was Halloween; I’d not long passed my driving test and reckoned I was invincible.
I was eighteen. Cormac, my brother, was just seventeen.
People mistook us for twins all the time.
He was a sweet, harmless kid, and I’d have sold my soul to exchange places with him.
” I wiped the corner of my eye, ridding myself of the tears that threatened to betray me.
“You don’t have to tell me, Killian.”
“I do.” I looked over at him. He’d gone through so much himself, and he’d told me it all. Now, it was my turn.
“I’m listening.”
“Cormac had got off with a girl, I don’t remember her name now, but he was all over her.
The next thing I know, a giant of a guy was pulling him off her, telling him to leave his girlfriend alone.
If I’d seen who she was, I’d have pulled Cormac off her myself.
I knew who her man was, and even I wouldn’t have fought him.
The guy was threatening all kinds of things, so I knew I had to get Cormac out of there.
We’d both been drinking, but I crazily thought I was sober enough to drive, and the journey home would take five minutes tops. ”
I closed my eyes. The smell of burnt rubber, petrol, and burning filled my nose as if I were back there, suffering through it over again.
I’d known the minute I woke up and looked over at Cormac that he’d gone. A massive bloody gash on his head, his eyes wide open, staring at me, judging me. I’d never fucking forget it for the rest of my life.
“Then what happened?” Harvey’s soft voice was closer now, and I opened my eyes. He was right next to me, his hand resting on my arm.
I sighed. “It’d rained earlier; the roads were slick. There was a pretty dangerous bend, and I knew the minute I hit it we were going too fast. The car skidded, and we slid into a telegraph pole. It hit the passenger side. Cormac didn’t stand a chance.”
“And what about you? Were you hurt?”
“Not a fucking scratch. Made it all the worse. Cormac was the youngest, the favourite, the one who was going to make something of himself, not like me. All I wanted to do was sing. I never wanted to do anything else. My parents stopped talking to me after that, but to be fair, I didn’t give them a reason to. ”
“What did you do?”
“I drank. Heavily. Anything to get rid of the images, the smells, the silence. No one talks about the silence after a car accident. You’d think there’d be shouting, but it’s deathly quiet. Just the hiss of the car’s radiator and the quiet crackle from the radio.”
I put my hands over my ears.
“I’m so sorry, Killian. That couldn’t have been easy for you.”
I took a deep breath and dropped my hands.
“I left for England shortly after the funeral. So many people attended, and every one of them looked at me with disgust. I realised then I’d never be able to stay.
My heart was already broken from his passing; I beat myself up daily, knowing it was my fault.
I didn’t need their recriminations, too. ”
I barely remembered the ferry crossing, drunk again as usual.
“For the next few years, I lived in a fucking shite bedsit with a group of druggies. It was where I got the habit. I lost track of time. One year became two, then three. Every morning, I was surprised to wake up, not really wanting to. I overdosed a couple of times, tried to get clean, but within a couple of months, I was back on it. I kept falling back in with the same crowd until I met Seth.”
He frowned but motioned for me to carry on.
“He saved me in more ways than one. We fell into an unsteady relationship, both of us relying on each other for support, physically and emotionally. We kind of fell out last week. I don’t blame him for that. He wanted more than I could ever give him.”
Honestly, the past twelve years of my life had been lived in squalor, bunking in dirty bedsits. I wasn’t sure Harvey was ready for that.
I faked a yawn. “Fuck, Harvey. I don’t know about you, but I’m knackered. Would you mind if we called it a night?”
“Of course not. Sometimes, when we’re dredging up old feelings and emotions, it can be exhausting. Let me show you to your room.”
I followed him up a narrow set of stairs and onto a small landing.
He pointed to a door on the left. “Bathroom. This room in front is mine, and the one off to the right is the spare room. Like I said, the bed’s already made up. There are clean towels in the airing cupboard in the bathroom. I just need to lock up downstairs.”
“You’re a fucking legend, Harv. I can’t thank you enough.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
I opened the bedroom door. It was compact and cosy. There was a blue cover on the bed, curtains already drawn. I pressed down on the bed. Definitely more comfortable than the one at home. I couldn’t wait to get it in it.
I quickly undressed down to my boxers and slid beneath the cool covers. Fuck, yes. It was like lying on a cloud. I closed my eyes and drifted off.
Fuck, I should have gone for a piss before I got in, and now it was all I could think about. Could I just lie here and ignore it?
Nope, not gonna happen. I needed to go.
I opened the bedroom door. The house was in darkness. Where did he say the bathroom was? Turn right, and it’d be in front of me.
“Shit.” What the fuck had I stubbed my toe on? A light flicked on, and there stood Harvey, struggling to put on a shirt.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I needed to pee, and then I stubbed my toe on whatever this is.” A small wooden bookcase sat off to the side, a collection of small porcelain animals on it. Were these Harvey’s choice? His Grandma’s maybe? I looked up from my foot to see him staring.
Fuck, I was only in my boxers, and the way he was looking me over, my dick decided it was a good time to take notice. The more he stared, the harder I got. There was absolutely no mistaking my arousal.
I placed my hands in front of me, embarrassed, but why the fuck should I be? I put them by my side and let him take his fill.
His curious eyes roamed my body and took in the couple of tattoos I had, but more and more, his eyes rested on my erection.
Had he never seen one before? What would he do? How would he react?
A bulge grew in his grey plaid trousers. I thought I was big, but this guy was giving me a run for my money.
But what should I do now? Pee was the obvious answer, but his next words almost knocked me off my feet.
“Show me. I want to see it.”