Chapter 13
Harvey
I’d never seen a man this close before. Yes, I’d been in the showers at school, but they were boys compared to the man standing before me.
A very aroused man. His cock strained against the greying fabric of his boxers, begging for release.
I don’t know what the fuck came over me, but I asked him to show me.
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, Harvey.”
“I think I can be the judge of that.” I hadn’t exactly come to terms with everything, but I’d made sufficient progress, and not only that, I was curious.
He hesitated, and rightly so. He didn’t know how I’d react to seeing him.
“Please, Killian. I want to see it.”
“It’s no different to yours. It’s just a dick. We’ve all got them.”
I took a step towards him. I would never force him, but I hoped he’d see I meant what I said.
“I’ve never really seen another one before. Not a hard one, anyway.” I took another step closer. I could smell the cologne he’d worn tonight, a musky smell, or was that his scent? Either way, it was a heady fragrance, exaggerated now by the light sheen of sweat on his body.
Was I doing that to him? Was I making him nervous?
His hand moved towards the waistband of his boxers, then moved away. “I don’t know if this is right, Harv. I don’t want to dredge up, you know, feelings or anything.”
“You won’t. I’m completely calm and in control.” How long that would last, I didn’t know. I guessed that depended on what happened next. I took another steadying breath and held it.
“Okay, then.” He slowly pulled the elastic down and hooked it beneath his heavy balls.
His cock bounced free, hitting his stomach. He was much thicker than I was, and he had length.
Could I wrap my hand around him? Possibly, but it’d be a stretch. He was uncut, with a tangle of black pubic hair. He didn’t shave, not that I had a preference.
I bit my lip, wondering what to do next. I hadn’t thought this far ahead, and seeing him now, standing in front of me with his boxers pulled down, I had no idea what to do.
“Do you want to touch it?”
I watched as he circled his cock and stroked it with long, languid pulls.
It grew even more, the purple head unsheathing itself from the foreskin. I was mesmerised, never having seen anything like this in my life. I’d masturbated, but it was nothing like this.
The cotton of my trousers brushed against the sensitive tip of my dick, reminding me how hard I’d become. I adjusted myself and watched as Killian’s eyes tracked my movement.
This was all new to me, and I almost freaked out, but it was the biggest fucking turn-on I’d ever experienced in my life.
“I’m not sure.” Maybe that was a step too far, but I watched with rapt attention as he stroked himself.
His eyes never left mine, pinning me in place. I couldn’t have looked away if I tried.
“Watch me,” he said, his voice husky and low.
I did as he asked, his movements still slow. He bit his lip, his eyes now hooded as his other hand pinched his nipples. I looked closer at his cock, thick with prominent veins. What would it feel like if I touched it? Would the skin be soft like mine? How hard would it be?
Jesus fucking Christ. I’d never seen anything so sensual in all my life, and I was rooted to the spot, unable to move.
I shoved my hands down my trousers and gripped my cock, squeezing as it begged for attention, never once taking my eyes from his hands.
This is wrong.
The voice in my head was insistent, but I batted it away, too intent on the scene unfolding in front of me.
Patches of red formed on Killian’s flushed skin. His hand moved lower and cupped his balls, his stance wider, but all the time. His other hand never stopped working his cock, fully encased in his huge fist. He panted as he picked up the pace, his eyes now fully closed. I didn’t think it’d be long.
By now, I was rubbing myself, perilously close to coming. I leant back against the doorframe, needing something to keep me upright.
Fuck, this was sexy and wrong.
No, it wasn’t. Only my stupid head said it was. Killian, Julie, and every other therapist I spoke to told me it wasn’t wrong to feel this way. How could it, when everything was so fucking good?
“Eyes on me, Harvey. I’m gonna come.”
Oh, he had my full attention now. He thrust his cock through the circle of his hand faster until his legs buckled.
He held onto the banister with one hand, his release filling the other.
A few droplets fell to the floor, but I didn’t care.
He could have shot all over the carpet for all I cared. Seeing him come like that, fuck.
I couldn’t help myself and grunted as I came, my spunk warm in my hand. I didn’t remember the last time I’d orgasmed. Certainly not in the past two weeks. My heart raced from the exertion, my pulse loud in my ears until, finally, I could breathe normally again.
Killian watched closely, his hand closed around his now soft dick.
“Are you okay?” He looked concerned, and he had every right to. Even I didn’t know how I’d react to such a sexual act. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“Nope. You’re not apologising and, surprisingly, I feel good.” I imagined running and shutting myself away in my room, but that didn’t happen. I wouldn’t let him take the blame.
I could have looked away and ended it, but I hadn’t. I’d watched.
“Really? I know what you said earlier. Maybe we…”
“Killian. It was a fucking turn-on. I’ve never seen anyone, you know, do that before. Not in the flesh anyway.”
I’d watched porn and usually beat myself up over it the moment I came. Hell, sometimes I didn’t even get that far, but what I’d witnessed tonight with Killian was way better than anything I’d ever seen on a screen.
“You’re not going to, you know, do anything? I didn’t think.” He rubbed his forehead with his clean hand.
Was I going to rush to my bedroom and cut myself?
The urge I usually experienced wasn’t there.
I wasn’t saying it was a miraculous cure, but I couldn’t explain my reason.
Maybe it was euphoria, and once I came down to earth, which I invariably would, some doubts would creep in.
Perhaps that’s when the problems would start again.
“Hey, I could have walked away. I didn’t, and I’m glad. It was fucking hot, but we should get cleaned up. You said you had an early start tomorrow.”
“Erm, yeah. I do.” I’d never seen him so unsure.
“Killian.”
“Yes.”
“Please don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I couldn’t know that either way, but he seemed to need the reassurance more than I did. “Bathroom’s right there.”
I stepped back into my bedroom and shut the door.
Fuck. I had a fistful of cold sperm now and nowhere to put it. I shucked off my trousers and found a box of tissues, grabbing a handful and wiping myself down. Once Killian finished, I’d do a better job of it, but for now, I waited.
I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. What did Killian see in me? I was ordinary, nothing special, but he’d taken me under his wing and decided I was his friend.
I couldn’t for the life of me think why. I was miserable. Definitely not a joy to be with most of the time, but we’d had a good night, hadn’t we? He appeared to enjoy himself, and I’d loved having someone to talk to other than the three urns that sat in the cupboard in the dining room.
I knew that was probably unhealthy, but I didn’t know what else to do with them. Yes, I could scatter them or have them buried, but it was easier to tuck them away, along with my memories.
A knock on the door startled me. “I’m done with the bathroom. Thanks, Harvey.” I heard the door to the spare room close and dared to open mine.
The landing was in complete darkness. There was one time I swore there was a ghostly figure walking down the stairs not long after Grandma had died. Strangely enough, it had brought me comfort more than anything else, and I longed to see it again. I never had.
How we’d all lived in this house, I didn’t know.
The tiny bathroom barely had enough room for a bath, and I’d had it removed to be replaced by a shower.
It was the only change I’d made, but when did I ever take a bath?
A shower was more practical, and it gave some much-needed space.
I wet a flannel and wiped myself down, my wiry pubes now damp.
I recalled Killian’s and how dark and unkempt they were. I know some men shaved, but I never saw the point. No one had ever seen them, but maybe that would change?
Fuck, Harvey. Get a grip. It was a one-off and unlikely to happen again.
Did I want it to? I don’t even know what had come over me… no pun intended, and I was pretty sure Killian regretted it the minute he’d finished.
I dried off and switched off the light. I crept back to my room and closed the door quietly. My bed was calling. I pulled back the covers and, for the first time in a while, I slid beneath them naked, the sheets soft against my skin.
Would I ever know what it’d be like to have another man next to me, cocooned in a warm embrace? Unlikely, and certainly not with Killian. We were just friends, nothing more.
But did friends do what we’d done? I guessed no, but it was a one-off, a random act that neither of us had planned. Even now, I couldn’t understand how we’d got there, but it was what it was.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then another and another. I couldn’t change what had happened, but I could change the outcome.
The following morning, the house was quiet. Not a sound from the spare room nor the kitchen. Was he still here? He said he had an early start, and it was now almost nine a.m.
What the fuck? I never slept this long. Even on weekends, I was awake around seven-thirty. I threw on some clean pants and a long-sleeved shirt and made my way downstairs.
There on the old wooden unit was a note. I snatched it up and read it.
Had to leave early, but I’ll be in touch. Hope you’re okay. K
I turned it over. No, that was it, nothing more.
And then the fear took hold. The icy fist of dread that clutched at my heart. What if I’d scared him off? What if he wasn’t ready for my kind of crazy? He’d think I was too much, the same as everyone else did. I was overbearing, too clingy. It was why I was a loner.
It was why I’d never got close to people.
My earlier toxic trait had always been to cling to people who showed me any attention.
I’d learnt from this and never got attached to anyone if I could help it, but Killian had drawn me in.
We’d confided in each other. Surely, that counted for something.
He’d seemed concerned last night, but that had probably worn off, and he couldn’t wait to get out of here this morning, escape from me and my issues.
I was a loser; always had been and always would be. It was better this way. This way, I wouldn’t have to deal with the issues of abandonment I’d suffered since losing everyone I loved.
This way, I could live my own solitary life.
This way… I would die alone.