Chapter 15
Harvey
It was just after eight when the text came through. I almost jumped off the sofa in shock. It could only be one person, so I wasn’t surprised to see Killian’s name flick across the screen.
All day, I’d agonised over the note. As a chronic overthinker, every rational and irrational theory had gone through my head.
He was letting me down gently. He’d scarpered early, not wanting to meet up with me after last night’s fiasco. I’d likely never hear from him again, and that would be the end of my one and only friendship since I was eleven.
Or it was exactly how it read, and he’d be in touch later.
I was more than relieved to see it was the latter.
I read the message again. It didn’t sound like he was letting me down but telling me how he’d got on that day. Was he expecting an answer back?
This was where I fell down on social niceties, inexperienced as I was with friendship. Grandma would tell me to call him, but that wasn’t the done thing these days, was it?
I had eyes; I saw memes and shit on Instagram joking about it. It was the only social media platform I had, and that was only because I followed a couple of the guys I played online with. I enjoyed the reels, although there was always some weird shit invading my algorithm.
What should I say? I typed out a quick message.
Harvey: Glad it went well. Good news about the agent. What does that mean for you? Talk soon. Harv.
Harv. Get me being all friendly and shit.
But I did like it when he called me that. It made me feel wanted, stupidly. Not quite a nickname, but it wasn’t Harvey; the name everyone else called me. It made me feel special, but perhaps that was wishful thinking.
Killian: I don’t know yet. Gonna call tomorrow and see what he wants. Were you okay today? Fuck it, I’ll call.
The phone rang a second later, and Killian’s unmistakable voice sounded loud and clear.
“Fuck, Harv. I’m sorry about earlier. I had to get out of there quickly and grab the first train. Will was picking me up early.”
“It’s okay. I knew you had to leave early.” I did, but it hadn’t stopped my mind from going into overdrive. He didn’t need to know that. As far as he was concerned, I was expecting him to be gone. “So, how did it go? You said something about an agent.”
“Yeah, fucking wild. I wasn’t there for long. Only sang a couple of songs; that was all they wanted. Then this guy walks up to me and gives me his card.”
“Was he legitimate?” You never knew these days. Anyone could pose as an agent and take you for all you were worth.
Somehow, I didn’t think Killian had a lot, but I was casting aspersions, putting him in a box he shouldn’t be in.
“Will said he’d heard of him, so I’m guessing he was.”
Who was Will? He’d talked about Seth yesterday but never mentioned Will.
“So, what are you going to do?”
“Call him? It’s a bit out of the blue, if I’m honest. It’s been my dream for so fucking long, and now I don’t know if it’s still what I want. I’m not getting any younger. I’m closer to forty than thirty. Is that too old?”
I didn’t think so, and he certainly had the looks. I’d seen the effect he had on both men and women and didn’t doubt that he could make it.
“You should go for it. You might never get a chance again.”
“True. But what if he doesn’t really like me?”
“You sound like me. I’m the insecure one, not you.”
“You’d be surprised, Harv. I’m not as confident as I come across, you know? I’ve had a lot of shit to deal with.”
“I know you have, but you gotta go for your dreams. Aim high. I know you can do it, Killian.”
The guy deserved the break. He had been through a lot. What with his brother dying, his family disowning him, and years living on drugs and on the streets. Sometimes, something good was just around the corner.
“I’m glad you have so much faith. I’m doubting myself. Why me? There were plenty of great bands there today, much better than me.”
“You forget I’ve seen you sing. The first time I saw you, it wasn’t just the song that attracted me.”
What was I saying? How had I gathered the courage to admit that to him? I wouldn’t have done it last week, so what the fuck had changed?
Killian. That was the only explanation. He was the only difference in my life. Somehow, seeing him and talking to him, bit by bit, he’d begun to break down the barriers I’d erected around my heart. He’d shown me I could have a friend.
But this thing. I could lose him over this, and I’d only just found him. But I was used to loss. I’d cope the way I always had.
“Harvey? Are you still there?”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was just thinking.”
“Fuck, I’m exhausted. I hardly slept last night, and today was long. I need to go to sleep and figure out what I’m going to do. Thanks again for the chat. I really wanted to talk to you earlier, but my phone was dead.”
I brightened at his words. He’d wanted to call me earlier. How did that make me feel?
Jesus, I sounded like Julie, but it made me feel great. Someone had cared enough to call. Although this was new with Killian, I’d begun to realise what I’d been missing all those years since Grandma had died.
I know she wasn’t a friend as such, but she was someone I could talk to.
Work colleagues weren’t the same, and I never wanted to be there anyway.
I wasn’t the nicest person to work with.
I’d erected a screen between me and the outside world.
If I didn’t get attached to people, then it wouldn’t hurt so much when they left.
They always left.
Maybe it didn’t have to be that way this time.
“Hey, how about we go out and celebrate? My treat.” He’s just a friend. This is me being friendly.
“You don’t have to pay. We can split it.”
“Nope, I insist. I’m working all day tomorrow, but we could meet up after that if you want to. No pressure or anything.”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“There’s a small restaurant near work. I’ll make a reservation tomorrow and text you the details.”
The line went quiet, and I had to check to see if we were still connected.
“What if there’s nothing to celebrate? He could have changed his mind.”
“Then he’d be a fucking idiot. Even if he does, we’ll celebrate us being friends. You don’t know what he’s going to say. Don’t jump the gun. I can’t explain it, but I know you have it in you to go far. This guy saw it in you. I believe in you, Killian.”
“One of the very few who do.”
“Well, that’s their loss.” I checked the time. We’d been talking for about twenty minutes. Time had flown by in a flash. Was this what it was like to have a friend? To lose track of time because you were enjoying their company?
“I should go…”
“You should go…”
We laughed. It wasn’t the first time that had happened. Great minds and all that. It was funny how I’d sensed a connection to him that first time outside the bar. I never imagined for one moment that anything would come of it, yet there we were, planning to go out for food.
“Let me know how it goes, and I’ll text you the details. Get some rest, Killian.”
“Yeah, you too.”
They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it fucking drags when you’re waiting for something, and I was waiting for Killian’s call.
It was now lunchtime, and I’d still heard nothing. Reservations had been made as promised, and I’d texted him the details, but so far, nada.
What was taking so long? What had the guy said to him?
My knee jiggled under the table as I obsessively checked my phone. I took a bite from my sandwich, barely tasting the spicy chicken.
“What’s up with you?” Ed sat down next to me at the lunch table in the canteen. I usually went out, but seeing how I was going out for dinner, I’d bought a sandwich and braved the crowded lunchroom.
“What do you mean?” I tilted my phone away from him. I didn’t want him to see what I was looking at.
My text conversation with Killian. I’d been reading it back for clues on his mood and came up empty. Our conversation last night had turned into an actual call, and I’d replayed that repeatedly in my head all night.
“You look like someone’s pissed in your cornflakes.” He took a bite from his sandwich and chewed loudly.
“Did you know you have a really terrible turn of phrase?” Not to mention the noise.
“I don’t give a fuck. Take me or leave me.”
Well, I know what I’d do, but then I remembered how he’d looked after me last week at the pub and realised I’d never thanked him.
“Thanks, by the way. For looking after me last week. I know I kind of left you alone.”
“You left me and went with a man you said you didn’t know. I’ve been worried sick about you. He might have killed you.”
“Killian isn’t like that. He’s a nice bloke.”
“Oh, like that, is it? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call anyone a nice bloke in all the time I’ve known you. Come to think of it, I’ve never known you to talk to anyone. What’s got into you?”
“Nothing. Look, it doesn’t matter who he is or what he is to me. I can be friends with whoever I want.”
“You? Friends? I’m not being funny, Harvey, but I’ve worked here for three years, and not once have I seen you speak more than five words to anyone, and that includes me. You’re not exactly a people person.”
Harsh, but true. I just wasn’t the socialising type. I had everything I needed or wanted, until, of course, I’d met Killian.
But how could I explain that to Ed? And why should I? He didn’t tell me about all his friends, and I wouldn’t want to know. That was his business, the same as Killian was mine.
“So, you coming out again this Wednesday?”
There was no need now. My only reason for going out last week was to see Killian again, and now we were on texting terms, I didn’t need to.
If I wanted to go hear him sing, I could, but I was sure if I asked him, he’d do it for me anyway.
I checked my phone for the last time before it was time to head back to my desk. Still nothing.
I sat in my closed-off pod, my colleagues separated from me by flimsy opaque screens.
It was supposed to dull the sound, but I could still hear the constant chatter from around the room.
The more I listened to it, the more annoyed I got.
Usually, it wouldn’t have bothered me, but today it was all too much, my senses overloaded, and I needed to get out.
I gathered my coat and phone and walked to the lift.
“Harvey, is everything okay?” my supervisor asked.
“Not feeling too good. Think it might have been the lunchroom sandwich.”
“Oh, I should go look into that.” She disappeared, striding towards the canteen.
When I finally got outside, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. The surrounding street was still noisy, but not unbearably so.
Why did I work again? I’d been the sole heir to my family’s money.
If I didn’t go mad and spend it all, it’d last me until the end of my days.
I could give up work any time I wanted, but the idea of spending my days doing nothing didn’t appeal.
At least this way, I got out of the house three days a week.
Perhaps I could find something more satisfying because this job was slowly sucking the life out of me.
I’d give it five more minutes, then go back inside.
People in suits hurried by me, amplifying my case to find another job. I no longer wanted to be part of the rat race, and if I could have transplanted my house to the coast, I’d have done it in a heartbeat.
The vibration of my phone startled me out of my daydream. Killian, of course.
“Hey, how did it go?”
“I’m gonna have to cancel dinner. Sullivan wants me in London first thing tomorrow.”
My heart sank. and an irrational feeling of anger spread through me. I’d worked myself up, only to be let down at the last minute.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. I hope everything goes okay.”
“Hey, you know I’d love to go to dinner with you, but this…”
“Is important, I know.” I was being so fucking selfish. This was Killian’s dream. This was what he’d wanted forever, and I was only thinking of myself and how it affected me.
“I’ll only be gone a day or so. Please, can we have dinner when I get back, and we can talk?”
I took a deep breath and looked around me. How I’d love to escape this dreary existence.
“Harv? Talk to me, please.”
“Yeah, dinner when you get back. Sounds good. Safe travels, Killian.”
I didn’t wait for an answer and ended the call. This always happened, and I vowed not to let it happen again. Instead of going back to the office, I made my way to the station and boarded the first train home.
Fuck work and fuck my life.