Chapter 18
Harvey
Killian’s train was late.
He’d messaged me earlier to say he was on his way back and could I meet him. He sounded excited.
“Fuck, Harv. I’ve got so much to tell you when I get back. Meet me off the train. I should get in around six.”
“Slow down, Killian. I can barely understand you.” When he talked quickly, his accent became thicker, broader.
“Sorry. I’m so fucking excited. I had to ring you. That dinner we were going to have last night. Let’s do it tonight instead. We are definitely fucking celebrating.”
Today’s meeting must have gone well, and I was eager to hear what he had to say.
I looked down the line and checked my watch again. Nope, still nothing.
I hadn’t gone back to work after leaving yesterday. I’d called in sick and wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back. Surely, there were more important things to do than sit in a dreary office listening to other people’s problems.
As much as I loved the house I’d lived in all my life, maybe to effect change, I needed to change my surroundings.
Most of the memories I held were good, but there were glimpses of the life Mum had led, and I often wondered if my life would end up the same.
I didn’t realise until I was older just how much she’d suffered, and now, when I recalled the days she’d spent in bed, citing illness, it was her way of dealing with the dark days.
I had them too and could now understand why she found things so difficult to deal with.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed.
Days when I’d eat nothing and only drag myself out of bed for a drink and to pee.
Were cycles repeating themselves?
Maybe change was coming for us.
Finally, I spotted the train coming down the track. It screeched to a halt, and I stood back, waiting for everyone to disembark.
At first, I couldn’t see him, but then, there he was. He looked different. There was a light to him I hadn’t seen before. Funny how we hadn’t known each other long, but I could see the change in him from then to now.
“Harv! Over here.” His smile was contagious, and I couldn’t help but smile to myself. As if I’d be able to miss him.
I waved, a little embarrassed.
“Hey, Killian. You’re late.”
“I know. There was a delay. Held us up for about fifteen minutes, but I made it. I’m fucking starving, too.”
It wasn’t only his demeanour that was different.
“Have you had a haircut?” I peered a little closer. It was shorter, and his beard looked tidy, too.
“Yeah. Do you like it? Sully said I’d look better in the photos. I almost cut it last night, but I couldn’t find any scissors.”
By now, everyone was looking at him. He carried himself differently and had such a presence. I couldn’t take my eyes off him either.
He looked… great.
“We’d best hurry, or we’ll miss our booking. Bad enough I had to cancel last night’s.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. Couldn’t be helped, you know?”
I did.
“Let’s go.” I led him out of the station and towards the restaurant I’d booked. It was nothing fancy, but I liked it.
It took ten minutes to get to the restaurant, but we didn’t speak, too busy dodging other pedestrians heading towards the station.
When we arrived, we were greeted by Bianca, the owner’s daughter.
“Mr Barton. How lovely to see you again. It’s been a while. I have your favourite table right here.”
“Come here often, Harv?”
“I’ve been here a few times.”
Bianca handed us some menus and smiled again. “When you’re ready to order, give me a nod, and I’ll be right over.”
She walked away and left us to peruse the menu.
“I think someone likes you,” Killian teased.
“No, she doesn’t. Don’t be stupid.” But when I looked over at her, she smiled again.
“Told ya. Now let’s get some food ordered. I’m fucking starving.”
When we were finally done ordering and had our drinks, we could talk.
“Now, tell me about your day.”
“It was unreal, Harv. Where do I even start? Sully offered me a contract. A fucking actual contract.”
“Did you sign it?”
“Not yet. I have to get someone to look over it, read the fine print. Sully gave me the names of a couple of agents to get in touch with, but if everything looks good, I think I’ll be signing up with them. The setup is amazing, and I got to sing in the studio.”
“Wow, I didn’t think you were actually going to do it.”
“Neither did I, but they had the whole day planned out. When I got there, I think he was talking to someone famous.”
“Then what happened?”
“This.” He pointed to his hair. “The singing, and we talked contracts, managers. Everything I’ve ever wanted.”
“Sounds almost too good to be true.”
He nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I’m thinking, and that’s why I’m getting someone to look over the contract. What if I’m not cut out for this?”
“Of course you are. You sing brilliantly, and you look…”
I stopped myself before I said something that would reveal my true feelings for Killian.
“How do I look?” Killian asked, a glint in his eye.
“You know.”
“No, Harv. I don’t think I do.”
Fuck. Was I going to have to come out and say it?
“You look good.”
“Now, was that so hard?”
It absolutely was. I played with my glass, running my fingers up and down it, letting the condensation wet them. I refused to meet his gaze.
Sensing my discomfort, he placed his hand over mine. “I’m sorry. I should have been more considerate.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I shouldn’t have teased you like that, but it’s nice to know you think I look good.”
“I do,” I said quietly, “It’s difficult to turn off years of thinking the way I do, but I am trying.”
“You are, and there’s no overnight solution, but you know how well you’re doing. This is what, the second or third time we’ve been out now?”
“Third, if you count the coffee shop.”
“Oh, I’m counting that. Would have been four if I hadn’t been whisked away to London.”
“I’m sorry. I’m making this about me again, when you have much bigger news.”
“Hey, you are just as important as what happened today. Guess what else happened?”
I shook my head. As if a trip to London and almost signing a record contract wasn’t enough.
“I realised that the only person I wanted to share this with was you. I couldn’t wait to call you and tell you what had happened.”
“What about Seth? You’ve known him forever.”
“Seth made it clear before I went down to London that he was done with me.”
“You met up with him?”
“I needed some clothes, and he’s the only person whose clothes would fit me. I mean, I’d have asked you, but you’re such a short arse.” He laughed.
“You said you wouldn’t tease me anymore.”
“What can I say? I lied.”
“Gentlemen. Your food.” Bianca placed our dinner on the table. “Can I get you anything else? Parmesan? Olive oil?”
“I’m good, thanks. This looks amazing,” Killian said and gave her a brilliant smile.
She smiled back and placed her hand on his shoulder. “It tastes good too, as does everything in this place.”
An irrational pang of jealousy hit me. Was she flirting with him? How dare she touch him?
I’d never experienced this before. The feeling was so alien that it took a while for me to recognise it for what it was.
But I needn’t have worried; Killian flashed me the same smile. “My man, Harv, recommended it.”
My man? Was I his man? Or was he just saying that?
Fucking hell. I wish I wasn’t such an overthinker.
“Well, I’ll leave you to it, and if I can do anything else for you, just shout.” I glared as Bianca patted him on the shoulder again and watched as she walked away.
“Is it me, or was she a bit too friendly?” Killian put a mouthful of linguine in his mouth and groaned. “Fuck me, that is good.”
“It is good food, but now I’m not so sure about the waitstaff.”
He gasped in mock indignation. “Are you jealous, Harvey?”
I pouted before eating a forkful of lasagna. “Maybe.”
Instead of making fun of me like I expected, he placed his fork on his plate and reached for my hand. Instead of pulling back, I let him take it.
I looked around us. No one was watching, but a feeling of panic surged through me. How fast could my heart beat before I had a heart attack?
“Breathe. Take a deep breath in. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“I’m just not used to doing this.”
I balled my other hand into a fist, my fingernails digging into my palm.
Steady breaths, Harvey. Steady breaths.
“We’re friends, Harvey.”
“Friends don’t hold hands.”
“Friends calm each other down when they’re close to a panic attack. That’s what I’m doing now. Calming you down.”
I took another deep breath and let it out.
“Is that better? You’re all good.”
“I’m all good.”
“Okay. Let’s finish our meal. Do you want to hear what else happened today?”
“I think that’d be a good idea.”
For the rest of the meal, he talked about his day. He laughed at Sully and how every other word was fantastic, how he’d been treated almost like royalty.
“What did you sing today? You said you had a session in the recording studio.”
“Yeah, I did. I sang the song I sang at the festival. Took me a while to get it right, but I did. Sully loved it. Said it needed to go on the new album.”
“Album? You didn’t mention that.”
“Didn’t I? He’s going to put me with some songwriters. I might even get to write my own. We’ll put them on the album. If I decide to go sign up with them, of course.”
“You should, you know.”
“Eh, I need to do the checks first, but I might never get this chance again. I told you before, I’m not getting any younger. This could be it for me.”
“I have faith in you, Killian. You have a unique voice. I haven’t told you this before, but I only went back to the pub the second time to hear you sing.
I don’t know what happened the night I collapsed.
I don’t know if it was exhaustion or what, but since I met you, I’ve wanted to get to know you. ”
“Even though…”
“Even though I might cut myself. I can’t explain it any more than you can, but since meeting you, the desire I have to hurt myself is outweighed by my yearning to get to know you and maybe…”
This was something I hadn’t completely admitted to myself.
“Maybe, in time, we could be more than friends. It started with me wanting to be just that, but the more I got to know you, the time we spent together, it made me think that there was more to life than what I’d experienced so far.”
“And you’d be right. There’s so much more to experience in this place.”
“I was disappointed when you cancelled yesterday. I know it was important to you, but I’m not used to these feelings, nor do I know how to handle them.”
“You’re doing just fine, Harv. One step at a time, and I’m here to help you deal with whatever you’re going through.”
“Thanks. That means a lot. I can’t promise I’m going to be any good at this.”
“Well, as we’re doing confessions, I wanted to know you, too, so I was glad to see you again when I did. I kind of wish all this wasn’t happening right now, but I really think if we take it one step at a time, we can manage all this change together.”
“Talking of change. I’m going to quit my job, too. I hate it so much and have for years.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m not sure yet. When Grandma died, I hated being in the house on my own with nothing to do, wandering from room to room. I had no purpose and no life. I took the first job I found, and I’ve been there ever since. But it’s time for a change, like you said.”
“That’s a huge step. Won’t you be bored?”
“I might do something with my art. I haven’t decided yet, but I could ask Rafi if he’d want some of my designs. He’s the tattoo artist I use.”
“That sounds like an amazing plan. Look at us getting our shit together. We should celebrate.”
“With sparkling water?”
“If that’s what it takes, yes.”
He held up his glass, and I did the same. “To us and change.”
I clinked his glass, making sure I kept eye contact with him. “To us and change.”
I just hoped I could pull it off.