Chapter 19
Harvey
Thankfully, the rest of the conversation was lighter. This evening had been a turning point of sorts in our relationship.
We admitted we had an attraction. For Killian, it was easier to deal with. For me, not so much.
I still suffered with intrusive thoughts, but they’d lessened over the past couple of weeks. Maybe all I’d needed was the right person to show me that love was for everyone, not the select few.
Somehow, I knew that wasn’t right. No one is miraculously cured; it took years of help and therapy, and I knew all about that. Perhaps some of what I’d been told over the years was making sense, and that was why I didn’t shy away from Killian’s advances.
An hour later, I paid the bill despite Killian’s protests.
“I should go home and get some rest. I’m knackered.” Killian hiked his bag onto his shoulder. “Are you going home now?”
“Yeah. I’m deciding whether to go back to work tomorrow to hand my notice in. The only thing stopping me from doing that is fear.”
“You can do anything you put your mind to, and you have your drawing and gaming, like you said.”
“I know, but what about people? I know I’m not the friendliest person in the world, but if I don’t talk to someone, I’ll go mad.”
“You have me to talk to.” He looked sincere. “You can call me anytime, or I could visit. We could do lunch or dinner. I’m not exactly busy now.”
“But you could be with this record contract business.”
“Nah, it’s early days. I won’t be whisked away on tour anytime soon.”
This was true. He’d only had the first meeting today, and he hadn’t signed a contract yet.
“When is your next gig?”
“Not until tomorrow evening. Will you come with me? I kinda like it when you’re there. A friendly face and all that.”
I had nothing else to do, and I enjoyed listening to him sing. “Okay. I’ll meet you at the bar. What time’s best?”
“I’m usually there around five, but that’s because I’ve got nothing else to do. If you’re not working, we could go out for lunch.”
“How about you come to mine? I can cook again. I promise not to burn you this time.”
“Sounds great. You can show me what you’ve been working on. Maybe we can play on the Xbox.”
“I’d best go, or else I’ll miss the next bus. It’ll be another hour if I do.”
“No problem, and thanks for dinner.”
Before I could walk away, he pulled me in for a hug. Not a romantic one. One you’d give your mate, your friend, but that was what I’d insisted we were.
Just friends.
Except I wanted his arms around me in a warm embrace, holding me close. I dared to put my arm around his shoulder, and he patted my back.
“See ya, Harv. Until tomorrow, yeah?”
I watched him walk away until he was out of sight and turned the other way towards my bus stop.
With heavy steps, I made it to the bus just in time. I sat upstairs and gazed out of the window, the streetlights bright, illuminating the rain falling steadily.
Julie would be proud of me. I’d stepped out of my comfort zone, and not only had I left the house several times, not just for work, I’d made friends with Killian, a man she knew I found attractive.
Not only had I controlled any urges I’d had, I’d even considered taking things further with him.
Although the hug he’d just given me left me with some doubts.
Maybe that was for the best, but I’d welcome him into my home as a friend.
Killian arrived the next day, right on time at eleven. He looked fucking amazing, and I was seriously rethinking my decision to keep him as a friend.
“I can’t wait to taste more of your cooking. What are we having today?” He placed his bag by the door and kicked off his boots.
“I guessed we wouldn’t be eating later, so I’ve cooked a chilli. I hope that’s okay.” I handed him a coffee, black, no sugar.
“Thanks, and as Sully would say, fantastic. I love a good chilli. Anything I can do?”
“Nope, it’s all ready this time, or it will be in a couple of hours. It’s in the slow cooker. Do you want to sit down or look at my art?”
“Art, definitely.”
“It’s this way.”
I led him upstairs and, not for the first time, my mind went back to Saturday night.
We’d stood right here at the top of the stairs, and he’d come so hard his legs had buckled. I’d never seen anything like it, na?ve as I was in the ways of intimacy.
I glanced over to him, gauging his reaction. He hesitated as he walked past the bookcase, then followed me into my art room.
It was bigger than the spare room, with a big drawing board by the window. I preferred natural light to draw. I sat by the board and picked up a pencil.
“This is… breathtaking, Harv. How long have you been able to draw like this?”
I shrugged. “I always drew as a kid. After Patrick left, I shut myself in my room and doodled for hours. There are books around here somewhere with my old drawings. Mum would never throw anything away, and after she died, I couldn’t face clearing everything out.”
“I’d love to see them. You should dig them out.”
“They were shite drawings. I mean, I’m not great now.”
“What? These images are better than anything I’ve seen in ages.”
He looked at the pictures stuck to the wall. Some I had on my body, others I hadn’t decided on yet.
“This dragon is fucking incredible, Harv. Is this your next tattoo?”
“I think so, but it’ll be a lot of hours in the chair. This is only the outline; I’ll need to colour it in, do some more shading.”
“Where will it go?”
“I’ve got a lot of tattoos, but I have a space here.” I rubbed the left side of my chest. “It’ll fit right here. I might have the tail looping over my shoulder and down my back. I have a tree there, so I might ask Rafi to intertwine it.”
“You’ve got this all figured out. Would you mind if I looked? I know you didn’t want me to before, but you showed me your arm.”
“My back’s not too bad. I could never reach it, so there’s not so many scars.” I pulled my shirt over my head, and for the first time, I exposed my body.
“Fuck me. These tattoos are unbelievable.”
I shivered as he traced the image with his fingertips. He deviated from the tattoo and ran his hand down my arm, stroking the scars.
“Killian…” I warned.
“I won’t hurt you. I’m sorry you had to do this. If I’d known you then, I wouldn’t have given you a chance to do this to yourself.”
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“Maybe not, but I wouldn’t have let you be alone. No one should grow up alone.”
“I didn’t. I had my parents and Grandma.”
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. You had no friends. Things could have been so different for you. You might have accepted yourself more. Who you are.”
“I’m a big believer in destiny and fate. My life is as it should have been.”
“Even though you’ve suffered.”
“Especially because I have. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met you, and I wouldn’t now be realising that I can have more. I can be who I want to be. You have shown me that what I feel in here isn’t wrong.”
I hadn’t planned on this admission, and I hadn’t meant to cry, but there we were.
“Harvey…”
“Let me finish. Please.”
I stood before him, not a changed man, but a man who was trying to do better. To be better.
“These past two weeks have been full of highs and lows, and just when I reckoned it’d all go to shit and I’d be back in the bathroom with a blade in my hand, I realised I wasn’t that person anymore. I’m not saying I’ll always feel this way, but right now, I want to do this.”
Taking courage by the balls, I lifted my lips to his and prayed he wouldn’t turn me down.
He cradled my face, his soft lips covering mine.
I moaned into his mouth. I’d never done this before, but it was so fucking good. He didn’t force it, just pressed his lips against my willing mouth. I took a step towards him and pressed my hips against his. Even from this brief contact, my cock had hardened. Would he pull away?
Thank fuck, he didn’t. Instead, he pulled me closer, our bodies now flush. He wanted it as much as me, that was clear.
I stumbled and almost fell into the drawing board, but he expertly backed me against the wall. I gripped his shoulders and pushed him away, panting.
“Fuck, Killian. I’ve never kissed anyone before.”
He nipped at my jaw, his hands on my arse. “You’re doing a fucking good job of it.”
His lips found mine again, and his hands found my hair. A muscular thigh slipped between mine and rubbed against my cock.
Jesus fucking Christ. I couldn’t breathe. It was overwhelming, but in a good way.
It was his turn to groan as his tongue entered my mouth, his plush lips soft against mine, his tongue tangling with mine.
“Whoa,” I placed my hand on his chest and gently pushed him away.
“What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? Tell me.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye.
“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that. It’s fine, honestly.”
“Too soon?”
“A little. Would you mind if we took a breather?” I blew out a breath, then smiled. “I really enjoyed that.”
“I did, too.” He stroked his hand down my cheek. “But we can take it steady. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to push your boundaries.”
“I’m good.” I was pushing my own boundaries, seeing how far I could take it before putting a stop to it.
The truth was, I’d enjoyed that far too much, and if I hadn’t put a stop to it when I did, it would have gone much further. I didn’t want to ruin everything before we’d given it a chance to be something.
“I’ve gotta say, Harv, for a man that’s never kissed anyone before, you sure did a good job.” He adjusted the still erect cock in his jeans, the large outline still visible.
“Maybe we could try again a little later?”
“I’m down with that. How about we go play some Xbox and chill? We’ll leave the Netflix for later.”
I frowned. “I don’t have Netflix.”
“It’s a joke, Harv. Netflix and chill? Never mind.” He clapped me on the back. “Xbox it is.”
For the rest of the afternoon, we played games until the chilli was ready.
This time, there were no issues with burns and, thankfully, no drama.
“What time do we need to leave?” I asked as we put the last plate away.
“We’re good for another half an hour. Can you think of anything we can do in the meantime?” He smirked and leant against the kitchen worktop.
What was he suggesting?
“What did you have in mind?”
“Well,” he took a step towards me, “how about we carry on where we left off? But only if you want to.”
Oh, I wanted to.
I took hold of his shirt, and in a bold move, pulled him closer.
“You mean like this?”
I kissed him and didn’t hold back. I gripped the back of his neck and plastered myself to him, making sure he knew just how much I wanted this.
He held my waist, gently at first, but the longer we kissed, the harder his hold became, as if he didn’t want to let me go. His lips moved against mine, insistent and with an urgency that almost knocked me off my feet.
Beneath my clothes, a tingle began to spread, the all-too-familiar sensation.
No, I couldn’t let it happen. This was right, I knew it was.
Deviant.
No. No. No. I refused to let them in.
I faltered and stepped away, my chin resting on my chest.
“Harvey? Look at me.” Killian’s finger lifted my face until I was looking into his blue eyes, so full of understanding. “Deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay. Do you believe me?”
I didn’t know why, but I believed him. I believed he could help me overcome this, that he alone could drive away the demons that resided deep within me. The demons that screamed in the middle of the night, the ones that told me I was a monster, that I was just like them.
“I believe you.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Like I want to scratch at my skin until it bleeds.” I rubbed a hand up my clothed arm, the temptation so close to the surface.
“I’m going to be here to stop you from doing that. Understand? I’m always going to be here to protect you from yourself.”
I leant into his hand as he stroked down my face, and I closed my eyes.
If anyone could help me, I knew it was Killian.
In the short time I’d known him, the urge to cut myself had lessened, despite our relationship being the very thing that started me on the journey in the first place.
His friendship had shown me there was more to life than the solitary one I led, and as slowly as the gentle touch of his hand continued its path, my head and heart settled.
The tingling dissipated, my heart rate returned to something resembling normal, and my breathing slowed.
“Little by little, Harv. We’ll get there.”
I wasn’t sure where there was, but I was willing to go with him. I knew it’d be a bumpy ride, and I knew he did too, but we’d travel it together.