Chapter 31
Killian
“So, this is where you put down roots. I like it.”
We were bundled up in coats and scarves, taking a walk along the Dee Estuary. A small wall separated us from the marshes full of wildlife and plants.
It was the first time I’d ventured out in four days. The first two I’d spent in bed, and yesterday, we’d got a lot off our chests and cleared the air.
I wasn’t lying when I said I’d been thinking a lot about him. We’d shared so much in the short time we’d spent together. I didn’t want to let that go, despite what he’d done.
“Yes, I moved here when I came back from Ireland. Well, not straight away. I had to sell Mum and Dad’s house first, but as soon as that was sold, I came here.”
“It’s really beautiful.”
“You should see it in the summer, but then it’s full of people. There’s a great ice cream shop here, and a fantastic Chinese restaurant. We can try it while you’re here.”
“I’d like that.”
As soon as we’d left the house, Harvey had taken my hand with no hesitation. The old Harvey would have glanced around, hoping no one would see us, but he didn’t falter.
“The place I work is just down here. Do you want to go in?”
“And miss the chance to speak to people who know you? Of course I want to go in.”
It wasn’t far, but the virus had taken a lot out of me, and by the time we got there, I was ready for coffee and a rest.
The bell over the door jingled, and a dark-haired, middle-aged woman approached.
“Harvey? What are you doing here? Oh, good lord. It’s you.” Her hand flew to her chest, her eyes wide.
“Calm down, Steph. It’s just Killian.”
“Just Killian?” She brushed her hands down her apron and fussed with her hair. “I’m so happy to meet you.”
She stuck out her hand, but Harvey batted it away.
“Steph, please don’t make a scene. We’re just here for coffee. Killian’s still recovering.”
“He’s the reason you couldn’t come in? You’ve been holding out on me?”
“Yes and no. Killian has been ill, and I’ve been looking after him for a few days.”
“In your house?”
“No, in a tent. Of course in my house.”
Harvey led us to a table by the window. “Do you want anything else? They do a great tuna sandwich if you’re hungry.”
“I’m good. Just coffee for me.”
I stretched my legs out and watched him walk towards the counter. He looked great, much better than three years ago.
An image of him lying on the floor formed in my mind, as it often did. I didn’t think he’d meant for me to find him.
From what he’d said, he was hoping he’d never be found. Thank fuck for small mercies that I’d come home early, or I’d have been walking in to a dead body.
I shuddered, pushing the image out of my head. Such memories didn’t serve me well and had often occurred when drunk and lost at the bottom of the bottle. Looking at him now, knowing what he’d gone through, he looked fucking amazing.
“What are you smiling at?” He placed two steaming mugs of coffee on the table and sat down opposite me.
“You. I was admiring your physique.”
“Oh, stop it. I don’t have a physique. I run a little, do some yoga, but that’s about it.”
“So, you’re limber, then.”
“Oh my God. We’re back to that again.”
“I’ve got three years to catch up on.”
“Are you trying to tell me you haven’t had sex in three years?” Harvey snorted. “I don’t believe that.”
“I might have, but they meant nothing. They were a means to an end.”
He peered at me over his coffee mug. “I wouldn’t have expected you to be celibate. You’re not a priest.”
“It just didn’t seem right. I threw myself into singing and everything that went with it. What about you?”
He shook his head. “Same. It didn’t seem right, somehow. The last person I kissed was you.”
“Fuck. No. Are you being serious?”
“Deadly. I never looked for anyone after, you know, and… I can’t believe I’m going to say this.” He looked up to the ceiling.
“Go on. Say it.”
“No one compared to you. You were it for me, and I didn’t want to ruin the memories I had of you.”
Well, fuck. I wasn’t expecting that.
“What if we’d never met up again?”
He shrugged, as if that were the only answer he needed to give.
“And now?”
“I think time and learning more about myself, I know what I’m letting myself in for now. If you want to go there, obviously.”
“Oh, I want to go there. Sooner than you think. Fuck, sooner than I thought I would, but we shouldn’t rush into it. Let’s do it right this time. We’ll go on dates and spend time together with no agenda.”
“I’m good with that.”
I kicked his foot. “We could make out on the sofa.”
His eyes lit up. “Also very good with that, but first you need to get well. Now, drink your coffee. Doctor’s orders.”
I did as he asked. He made small talk, told me about how he loved living here, and I could see why. I listened and didn’t speak. The Harvey with me now was a million miles away from the one I knew three years ago.
I figured I’d spend another day here, then go back home. I had things to do. Duncan had been blowing up my phone, asking when I’d be back. There were plans to be made. He wanted me to make a video to post on my website, and there were decisions to be made about appearances next year.
“Are you listening to me?” He eyed me across the table. “Here’s me rabbiting on, and you look a million miles away.”
“I’m sorry. Duncan’s been messaging me non-stop since I told him I was feeling better.”
“Do you need to go home? I know I can’t keep you indefinitely.”
“I’ll stay another day, if it’s not too much trouble.” It was for my benefit more than his. Spending time with him had been cathartic, digging through the baggage I carried. Plus, I’d enjoyed his company.
“You can stay as long as you like. I’m in no hurry to kick you out.”
“How about we go to the Chinese restaurant tonight. My treat.”
“Sounds good. We can make a reservation on the way back.”
Living here was a little like Liverpool. Most things were within walking distance. After a well-deserved nap in the afternoon, followed by a refreshing shower, I was ready to go out.
I hadn’t got that much in the way of clothes with me, but Harvey had said it wasn’t a posh place, and I didn’t need to wear a suit and tie.
Seeing him as he stood in the hall, I regretted my decision.
“You look fine. Don’t worry about it,” he said, but that was all right for him to say, standing there in his black jeans and button-down shirt.
He smelled amazing, too.
“Here, put your coat on. I promise no one will say anything about how you’re dressed.”
He was right. No one paid us any attention. We were led to a table upstairs, overlooking the estuary. The room was dimly lit, a single candle on each table.
“Well, this is romantic.” I took his hand in mine and kissed his knuckles.
His eyes sparkled in the candlelight, still warm and full of expression. A small smile played on his lips.
“It’s nice. I usually get takeaway from here. I never usually sit in. Bit boring on your own.”
“Well, now you have me.”
“I’ve only ever wanted you.”
“Except you did a good job of forcing me out of your life.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. More than you know. If I could change the past…”
“No. I don’t think we should. We met at the wrong time, but this right here is the right time. I can’t say I’ll never remember what I saw, but you’re here now, and we’re going to make the most of it.”
A server arrived with our food, and we broke apart.
“This looks amazing.” Thank God my appetite had returned, and when we sat on his sofa later that evening, I was full.
“Wow, I don’t think I’ve eaten this well in ages. You’ve looked after me well, Harv.”
“I love it when you call me that. Always have. It makes me feel special.”
He was in his usual place, snuggled into my chest. I could get used to it.
“You were special. Still are.”
I kissed the top of his head, then fidgeted and tried to get more comfortable. “How about we go to bed?”
He sat up quickly. “Oh, of course. I didn’t realise you were tired.”
I tilted his head so that I could look at him. “I’m not tired.”
His mouth dropped open. “Oh. Oh. You want me to join you?”
I nodded. “That’s right, Harv. You and I, snuggling in bed. No shenanigans, I promise.”
“Well, how can I say no to that? I’ll lock up and meet you there.”
It didn’t take long, and by the time I climbed into bed, Harvey was in the doorway, looking sheepish.
“Should I undress completely? I’m not sure…” He pointed to the bed. I whipped the covers back to reveal myself in my lounge pants.
I meant it when I said we should take it slow. I wasn’t ready for more yet.
Was I disappointed by the look of relief on his face? No, because we both knew that rushing into things might lead to disaster.
“I’ll be right back.” Moments later, he returned wearing a T-shirt and shorts. “It gets warm.”
“Did you ever get that tattoo?”
“Which one?”
“The dragon. The one you were drawing before…”
Funny how neither of us could say the words. “Yeah, do you want to see it?”
“Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course I do.”
With his shirt now off, I could look closely at the many tattoos he had. He had a lot more than the last time I saw him, but there on his chest was the dark outline of a dragon, just like the one he drew.
I ran my fingers across it, watching as his skin pebbled beneath my touch. “You said you were going with colour.”
“I was, but this reflected my mood better.”
“You have more, too.”
“Yeah, it’s an addiction.”
“So I’ve heard.” Seth used to get them all the time, and he was another person I’d not seen or heard from in years. I wondered if he’d get in touch, but he never did. Another friend I’d lost.
I glanced at his wrists; the scars were hardly visible.
“You can touch them. They’re part of me now.”
I skimmed my fingers down the inside of his arms to the white lines that marred his skin, then brought them to my lips, kissing each one in turn.
A tear splashed on my hand. Harvey’s tears.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“You didn’t. It’s just no one has ever taken care of me the way you did. Not since Gran died, anyway.”
“Let’s get some sleep, and we can talk again tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to talk. I want to do this.”
Harvey’s lips were soft against mine. Not insistent, but gentle. His hands ran through my hair and down to my shoulders. He pushed me onto my back, his body now covering mine.
I returned the kiss. Fuck, I’d missed this.
Missed the connection. Missed him.
He tumbled to the side, breaking the kiss. “I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. We were taking it slow.”
“I’m glad you did. I wanted it, but I was too scared to ask.”
“You never have to ask. Not again.”
He pulled the covers over us and settled into the crook of my arm.
For the first time in a very long time, my heart and mind were free. Free from the chains that had wrapped themselves around me for the last three years, holding me back.
Harvey was and always would be my safe space, regardless of what he’d done.
“I love you,” I whispered into the darkness.
“I love you, too.”
Five fucking days was all it had taken to fall back under his spell. I’d sworn to guard my heart, but he’d wormed his way back in there without me knowing.
I knew this meant as much to him as it did me, and I fell asleep knowing I’d found my home.