Chapter 25
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
Wells
Every day I saw that tragic fucking summer.
Every day, I saw the girl I let drown. Her name was Megan.
I didn’t know Megan. In fact, that day at the pool was the first day I’d seen her.
She flirted with me, and I flirted back.
I always flirted. I was shameless about it, even if it didn’t mean anything.
If a girl or guy didn’t mean anything. That day, it had been Megan.
That day it had been Megan.
The memories of what happened that summer flooded my entire being on the regular, but not in the ways they should. I allowed Megan to drown that day, but what was worse was why she’d drowned.
“Wells?” Bow had her hands on my wrists. She studied me with these deep blue eyes that should remind me of her brother. Fuck, that should be all I saw when I looked at her. I should see my best friend’s little sister.
Not the girl I’d been aware of for so long.
I hated myself for that. I hated my-fucking-self.
“Wells?” Bow was able to squeeze my wrists because my hands were still on her face. Why was I still touching her? She scanned my eyes. “Archer?”
She could see me again, her Archer. I wasn’t bothering to hide him. Why couldn’t I hide him?
“I don’t hate you, Bow,” I admitted, and I wished so hard I could. I tried. I tried so hard for so long. “I hate me. I hate what I did.”
Her blue eyes got so sad. Her mouth turned down, and even though her lips were painted red, I knew they’d be flushing right now. They always flushed.
Stop.
I couldn’t help myself. I touched her full lips, and they trembled. Her mouth moved at a mere touch from my finger, and that shot so much awareness into my being, my cock…
Stop.
I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t fucking fight.
Why can’t I fight?
“What do you mean you hate what you did?” she asked me, so innocent.
She was innocent. Rainbow Reed couldn’t hurt a fucking cockroach. I knew because I saw her interact with one once when we’d been cleaning out her parents’ garage. Thatcher made me help. His dad said we couldn’t hang out until it was done, so I helped.
Anyway, a roach ran right across Bow’s feet.
It rightly scared the shit out of her, but after that initial reaction, she got a mason jar and a piece of paper from the kitchen.
She scooped the thing up and set it free out in the wild because that was the type of person she was.
She was, no matter how much I tried to convince myself she wasn’t.
“It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my…” I started, and I couldn’t fucking breathe. My jaw was so fucking tight, locked. “It’s my fault that girl died, Bow. Not yours. Never yours.”
It couldn’t be. Rainbow Reed was kind. She was innocent.
She was perfect.
“What?” Her voice was a whisper, and I barely heard it.
I squeezed her arms. “It was me, Bow. This whole fucking time it was me. What happened that summer?” I shook my head. “And I wish I could blame you for my fuckup. I tried. I tried for so long.”
“I don’t understand.” Her whole body was trembling now, and I saw it well.
She had very little clothing on right now, and even though she was mostly beneath the water, that didn’t matter.
I saw her ease her trim hips into the pool up to the point of her breasts.
I saw her pert nipples pierce through her lace bra before she glided the rest of the way into the water. I saw her.
Because I watched her.
I watched this girl so many times when she didn’t know.
I was aware of where she was at virtually all times, and the same went for that summer I allowed an innocent girl to drown.
I wasn’t watching Megan. In fact, I was barely watching anyone else at the pool that day even though I was a lifeguard.
My attention had been divided because it was always, always on one thing, on one… person.
Bow’s mouth parted. “Wells—”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I heard the ache in my voice.
It was the same ache I was forced to live every fucking day.
It was the death of an innocent girl, yes, but it was also knowing what I knew about my best friend’s little sister.
It was knowing how my insides felt every time I was forced to be around her and act like I was fine.
I wasn’t fine.
It fucking ached to be around Rainbow Reed. It ate at me every fucking day, and it was easier to make her suffer. If I was suffering…
She touched my hair again, and it felt like she gave me life.
She did for a time. Every day seeing her at Thatcher’s house growing up was like light.
She was the sunshine to the darkness of all our problems, my friends and I.
My best friends had some really fucked-up shit happen to them over the years.
They all had their own dark constants. I didn’t know suffering like my friends but Bow…
little Rainbow Reed was always glowing. She brought color to our dark world.
And all she had to be was herself.
It was like how couldn’t I watch her, protect her? Something that pure needed to be protected. It was delicate, beautiful.
“I was watching you,” I said, my fingers on her shoulder now. Her soft fucking skin. Her soft, perfect fucking skin, and she trembled. I squeezed. “I was watching you, Bow. I was watching you, and I took my eyes off the water.”
I still remembered that day. It was so fucking vivid. Bow and her little friends were talking. They were having a good time, laughing.
Until they weren’t.
“You took your eyes off the water because of me,” she said, shaking, and I let her believe that.
I did because I was weak and so fucking selfish.
A little lie let me not face reality. It let me drown in denial and not see the fucking truth.
My truth. She bit her lip. “You thought I was drowning, and you tried to save me.”
I had thought she’d been drowning. I’d been terrified, and that was on me too. I’d just been so distracted. I’d just been…
“Wells?”
“I’d been watching you, Bow.” My voice was so raw, stripped. I closed my eyes. “I’m always watching you.”
This was an understatement. I saw her everywhere, even in my dreams. I saw her drowning sometimes, and I felt like an asshole. I was relieved each and every time I woke up and that wasn’t the case. I was relieved that someone else had died that summer.
Because that person wasn’t her.
I was aware those thoughts, at best, made me a terrible person. I mean, what kind of person did that? Thought like that…
“You watch me?” Bow brought me out of my dark thoughts.
She looked so little in front of me, so small and petite.
When we were kids, she was just Thatch’s little sis.
She was the pipsqueak that got in our business and chased us around.
Now, she was a woman in a pool with a glow still around her.
A woman with flushed skin and a mouth I’d tasted.
She blinked. “Wells, I don’t understand. ”
She wouldn’t, would she? I was so good at bullshit, lying. The only person I lied to more than her was myself.
“I watch you, Bow,” I said into the humid air.
The pool wasn’t in operation tonight due to Dorian’s gala.
His parents shut this whole hotel down and the only light in the room was from the pool itself.
Even still, I found Bow, the light found her.
Her skin… I swallowed. “I was looking at you before I thought you were drowning. I was looking at you, and I wasn’t paying any fucking attention to the pool. ”
I let someone drown because I was watching my best friend’s little sister. I told myself for a long time that was my responsibility. I was looking out for her, but only for Thatcher.
“Wells—”
“Don’t you get it!” I was angry now, but not at her. Bracing her arms, I brought Bow close to me, and her eyes widened in surprise and maybe even a little fear. I used to get off on intimidating her. It made me feel better about myself. If I could control her, she wasn’t controlling me.
I cringed. “I was watching you so fucking hard that I wasn’t watching anyone else. I was watching my best friend’s little sister because I’m sick. Because I’m an asshole and because I…”
I couldn’t pull the words out. If I did, I’d have to hear them. I would have to admit to myself what I was actually doing that day at the pool. I wasn’t watching Rainbow Reed because I was worried she’d get herself into trouble.
I was watching her because I couldn’t not watch her.
“Because I love you,” I whispered, and a burst of air left Bow’s lips.
It brushed my chest, and when I brought her closer, I could taste her.
Her wonderful fucking scent engulfed my senses and how good she fucking tasted, felt.
I cringed again. “I love you because you’re good and you’re kind and you’re so much better than me. ”
She was. She’d never let her parents down and squander their money. She’d never even kill a fucking roach. Bow didn’t have a selfish bone in her body and that was why I loved her.
It was why I always had.
I was shaking, way more than she was. Her fists curled. “You love me?”
Hearing her say the words hit something hard inside me. It made my reality real and showed what an asshole I truly was. I was the guy who fell in love with my buddy’s sister. I lied for years and also had someone’s death on my hands because of it. Because of my obsession with her and her goodness.
I squeezed her arms. “I’m the reason someone drowned all those years ago. I’m the reason a girl died because I was obsessed with my best friend’s sister like an asshole.”
I was a terrible person, and I had no right to love anyone, least of all her.
The same went for Bru.
He asked me time and time again why I was resisting. He asked me why I couldn’t let go and just be with him. And her.