Chapter 5 #2
And he’d love to see Samuel in red. His pale skin would glow in red silk. And his bottom is a perfect bubble. Panties that hid more than they revealed would drive a man mad with the desire to take them off— rip them off.
This is not helpful. He’s aching at the idea. Hard like he’s still a teenager. Over a few words and a mental image. Ridiculous.
“What else?” Samuel asks.
He jolts, ashamed of his vivid imagination. “Uh. We had a pair of handcuffs?” Bryan offers. Not that they’d used them. He’d wanted to, but she hadn’t.
“How was that?”
“Not well received. I think I was about your age when I got them for us to try. We’d been married for a few years and things were already pretty cold in the bedroom,” Bryan sighs, and realizes he’s running a hand through his hair, elbow propped on the window frame.
A nervous gesture.
“Who would get handcuffed?” Samuel asks.
“I didn’t much care as long as one of us did.”
“Huh,” Samuel says. “Really? You didn’t care, not at all?”
“Should I have? Is there a right answer?”
Samuel is staring at him. “Are you joking?”
He’s glad it’s dark so Samuel can’t see the blush on his cheeks. “No. I mean….it would end the same way no matter who was tied up?”
Samuel abruptly laughs. “I suppose that’s true. I think that might be the most pragmatic answer I’ve ever heard.”
“I think I’ve just been insulted. Our sex life was non-existent enough that I wasn’t trying to get complicated. If you’re starving you don’t complain that you get white bread when you wanted rye.”
Samuel huffs in amusement.
He imagines using handcuffs now. Samuel would be the one wearing them, of course.
So he’d be available and willing. Samuel could pretend not to want sex but be unable to escape.
Consensual non-consent. He’d called it CNC in his email, and Bryan had needed to do another Google search until he’d figured out what the acronym meant.
“What would complicated have looked like?” Samuel asks.
It takes Bryan a moment to place the comment and come up with an answer.
“I don’t even know. Maybe… maybe more like the things you’re looking for?
A lot of giving and taking and connection?
If that’s possible. What you want seems to require a lot of vulnerability.
Our relationship was too fractured by that point. ”
“I know people who have that. It is possible,” Samuel says, but he slumps back in his seat and looks out the window, which makes Bryan think he isn’t certain.
“Well,” Samuel finally says, “It doesn’t sound like you were very compatible. Was the sex ever good?”
No shame or hesitation. This is how other people talk about sex, he thinks, and wonders how he’s gotten so out of touch. The discussion isn’t difficult. It’s slightly uncomfortable, but he is also aroused, so it can’t be all bad.
But this sort of conversation never went well with his wife. And he’d grown up in an environment that was very repressive.
“No, I don’t suppose it was. Lots of, well, she didn’t like what we did. And I didn’t like badgering her. I suppose it was a knock to my confidence.” That’s a massive understatement. It has shaped the rest of his life. “I should have made you sign an NDA,” he jokes.
He isn’t really joking.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Demarco. That sounds awful.
But it also sounds like something specific to the two of you, and you both being a bad fit.
You’re a good, kind man. You’re handsome and successful, you spend a lot of time in the gym.
I can’t imagine you intend to be alone forever?
No one gets the benefit of all that hard work? ”
It takes him a moment to understand what Samuel must mean.
“It isn’t a benefit. I work out because I’m used to it.
I played water polo in high school and college.
I still swim a lot, but now I do weights, too.
It’s stress relief, I suppose.” He doesn’t do it to be wanted.
He understands that women look at him, but isn’t that normal?
“Well, you look fantastic. You could have anyone you wanted. You owe it to the world to get out there. As you can tell from my experience, it’s rough out there for single people.”
“Well, thank you for the ego boost,” he says dryly.
“I bet you’ve always been hot, and so you just don’t realize how good looking you are.”
“I don’t know,” he says, and isn’t very concerned with the answer. He’d gotten a girlfriend in high school, and he’d done his best to make it work for as long as he could. They’d married, they’d divorced. The end.
“You might need therapy. No offense.”
“None taken. But, I’m fine as I am. This way, no one is deprived and no one is disappointed.” He just doesn’t want to see another woman crying, doesn’t want to feel that rejection as his advances are spurned. He can take care of himself.
“Disappointed? Deprived? Those are the worst two words to use when discussing sex. I feel much better about telling you about Ballbuster now.”
That startles a laugh out of him. “The name is terrifying.”
“Well, we wouldn’t do that. I’m down for a good spanking, especially if it’s with some roleplay.
But I’m not really into a lot of pain. I like being sore, having that reminder of what we did, and what my body is capable of, but that’s about it.
I don’t think of that as pain. Not like ‘squeeze my balls and crush my dick’. That’s pain.”
“That’s horrible. He likes that?”
“Well, yeah. But he likes other things, too.”
“The things you like?” Bryan asks, which is probably too vague and betrays his discomfort at how his knowledge has been acquired. Reading something private that wasn’t intended for him.
‘Think of me as a good, earnest boy who everything bad happens to. A perpetual victim who needs to be taken care of, but winds up getting used after a little caretaking. Sitting on Daddy’s lap always has consequences….’
‘I love warming, in any orifice, and objectification and restriction. I’d like to make you comfortable and have been thinking a lot about the best way to give myself to you when we first meet. A way to set the tone for the weekend. Do you have any ideas?’
That’s what Samuel wrote. That’s what he wants. Bryan has read it so many times that he can remember it perfectly.
Though he isn’t sure what Samuel meant by ‘best way to give myself to you.’ Bryan also has questions about the ’consequences’ Samuel hopes for if he ‘sits on Daddy’s lap.’
Daddy!
How erotic it would be to hear that word come out of Samuel’s mouth. To hear him moan the word as he’s filled up with cock.
It makes him realize he doesn’t know Samuel at all. They’ve spent most of every day together for years, and there is a whole section of his life he knows nothing about.
The desire Bryan has felt in the last 24 hours is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. And to think some stranger is going to get to relieve the ache and discomfort in his cock and balls with Samuel’s mouth or hand or—
“Why him?” He demands. His tone is harsher than he means it to be. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”
“That’s… okay,” Samuel says. He’s looking at Bryan closely, body turned towards him in the car. The space feels very small.
Bryan realizes his hand is in his hair again, and he puts it back on the wheel.
“Because he’s there, I guess. Because he wants me and says he’s looking for something fairly regular.
I’d like more than that, but I’m willing to settle.
I have to start somewhere. Otherwise, I’m just gonna be alone forever.
I’ve done casual hookups that never went anywhere, and I’ve tried waiting for the universe to provide the sort of man I want, and neither of those things has happened.
I’m lonely. I don’t like going home and not having someone there who is happy to see me or hear about my day.
Being alone forever is my nightmare,” he says, and then takes a breath.
“I mean, it’s fine for other people, obviously. ”
Is Bryan a figure worth pitying? “Obviously,” he says dryly. “I don’t think I’ve made a conscious decision to be alone forever, I just… I guess I’d have to date. And she—”
Wait.
Does he have to date a woman? He’s always assumed he would date women.
And he’s also had a low enough sex drive, particularly when it came to thoughts of having sex with women, that he’d just assumed it was him.
But what if he’s been wrong this whole time, and what he actually needs is to date men?
Men like Samuel who want to wear lingerie and have sex?
That combination has certainly brought Bryan’s libido roaring to life.
What would it be like to be with someone who desired him?
Desired him with sweat, strength, and passion?
Kathy had been so cold, so inconvenienced, and disappointed by him and his touch.
He could date men. He feels like an idiot for not thinking about it before.
But he is so aroused by Samuel, this conversation, and everything he’s discovered over the last 24 hours that he has to question whether or not he is straight.
Is he bisexual?
He isn’t someone who lies to himself. Or at least, he tries not to. If he gets new information and needs to change his mind, then he will.
How much easier would it be to date a man? Would they have more to talk about? Would sex be easier? Better? Wouldn’t they be on the same page and be able to discuss it without emotion and drama?
This conversation with Samuel has been a breeze.
It’s been interesting and pleasurable. He’s taking the longest route to the restaurant, stopping for every yellow light, prolonging the time.
What if dating a man is a relief? Pleasant? Would there be any chance he could date a man as attractive as Samuel? Closer to his own age, of course.
“Hello?”
“Oh. Sorry. I was just wondering if I needed to date women. Maybe I’ve been too hasty. Is it easy to date men?”
Three seconds of silence. “What?” Samuel asks, voice flat.