Chapter 16 #2
It took a moment, but then Caroline’s expression shifted, and she became more composed. She straightened up and squared her shoulders.
“I see. I didn’t know that you were acquainted with her.”
“It’s a more recent thing. I just decided to get to know her.” David paused. Why was this hard to say? “I have plans to openly court her, Caroline.”
“Oh,” Caroline whispered. “You have?”
“Well, I need a wife.” David could feel his words running into each other to get his point across. “Lady Mary is just right for being a duchess. Plus, her family is well-connected, so it would benefit us both to get married. And it would be good for the family for me to have a wife.”
“How so?”
“Well, Henrietta and Gwen need a mother, don’t they? Or a mother figure …”
Caroline snorted, which had David faltering. But Caroline cleared her throat and waved a hand.
“Forgive me; that was rather unkind.”
“Was there something you wanted to say, Caroline?”
“No, of course not. I’m just surprised that you were in Lady Mary’s company.” Her cheeks flushing, Caroline turned away. “Forgive me; that was rather forward of me.”
“You are allowed your opinion …”
“But not in my current position. I’m not supposed to speak in such a way about someone else, especially when they’re of a higher station than me.” She gulped, her hands clasping in front of her. “Have you told your sisters about this?”
“Not yet. I want Lady Mary to meet with them and see how they get on before I offer up courtship.”
“What if they don’t like her?”
David shook his head.
“I don’t think that’s going to happen. Lady Mary says she likes children, and she’s looking forward to meeting them.”
Why did that sound rather hollow? David remembered what Eleanor said about Lady Mary and her misgivings about the woman.
David had that in mind, but after a while, he wondered if it was because Eleanor and Lady Mary were just different people, and it was nothing personal.
So he took his friend’s advice with a pinch of salt and met up with Lady Mary.
He was surprised by what he found; Lady Mary Chadwick was interesting and charming, showing a great interest in him.
It felt like their first encounter when David had brought her flowers and she had wrinkled her nose at them.
Lady Mary had explained that she hadn’t slept well, so she wasn’t in a good mood, so David put that aside.
Even so, despite thinking that she would get along with his sisters, David wondered if that would actually happen, or if he were living in a dream that would implode. God, his nerves were all over the place.
He just wanted to make this right and make everyone happy. Somehow, despite her new position in his family, that included Caroline.
She is a part of your family now. And you care about her. Why wouldn’t you want to keep her happy?
“All I can say is …” David cleared his throat. “It’s going to be a transition for my sisters, and while I believe they’ll get along, I know it will be tough in the beginning. I would like your help and support in all this.”
“My support?”
“They listen to you, and they like you. If you can assure them that this is fine …”
Caroline turned to him, and David was shocked by what he saw. She had a mask of composure, but it seemed to be a struggle to keep it up. What was going on with her?
“Of course, this isn’t a love match,” he hurried on. “I don’t love Lady Mary. I mean, she’s a beautiful woman, but there is no attraction there. It’s just a … convenience.”
“Convenience,” Caroline said slowly.
David grimaced. He was making himself sound even worse.
“That hasn’t put me in a good light, has it?”
“All I can say, David, is that it’s what you need to do.
If it’s advantageous, and she would be a good fit, then you should follow what you need to do.
” Caroline took a deep breath. “Although I am not really someone who can give you advice on love and marriage. I’m probably the last person you would look to for that. ”
“Even though I respect your opinion?”
Caroline looked bemused at that. David knew he wasn’t making any sense.
In his head, he was telling her about it so she could prepare Henrietta and Gwen for when Lady Mary came over later in the week for afternoon tea; she could keep an eye on the girls and ensure everything went smoothly.
But his heart said he was doing this for another reason.
Like he wanted Caroline to object and tell him not to go through with it. If she told him that this was a bad idea, he would listen to her.
She’s your governess now, not your friend. She has no say over your life.
That’s the problem. She does have a say, and I can’t help it.
“I can understand how difficult this can be for you,” Caroline said quietly. “The pressures you face to preserve and carry on the dukedom can be tough. I had that on my shoulders when I was eligible for marriage. And those pressures never really leave as your chances fade away.”
“Is that how you feel about your situation?”
“I mean, I feel good knowing that I’ve got something to make me feel worthwhile and wanted, but knowing that I ended up like this because of circumstances outside of my control are still there, and they do weigh down on me.” She shrugged and managed a lopsided smile.
“It’s just how life goes. You have to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. My future deviated from what it should be, so I had to find a new path. You have a better chance of staying on the path than I do.”
Those words hit David in the gut. She might as well have punched him.
He swallowed, letting go of the branch and moving towards the trunk.
He leaned back against it, resting his head against the bark with his eyes closed.
This shouldn’t have been as tough as it was turning out.
David had thought telling Caroline all this would help, but it hadn’t.
“It doesn’t matter what I think anymore,” he said. “What I want and have to do are completely different things. Lady Mary is what people would call a consummate wife. She would be perfect. But that’s not who I want to marry.”
“What?” Caroline sounded bewildered. “Did you just imply that you would rather marry someone else?”
Was he actually saying it? David knew if he opened his mouth now, things would really shift, and he wouldn’t be able to get them back to normal. Nevertheless, when he opened his eyes and saw Caroline staring at him, he couldn’t help himself.
“Do you wish things were different between us, Caroline?” he asked.
Caroline blinked.
“What?”
“You heard me. Do you wish that your current situation were different? That you and I were on a similar social standing?”
Caroline’s mouth opened, and then she quickly closed it. She gulped.
“I … there are times when I wish that we were. Then there wouldn’t be such a big chasm between us. But it’s there, and there’s nothing we can do about it. We’ve managed to find a medium despite that, haven’t we?”
“I’m not sure if that was an answer or not.” David watched her. “Almost like you answered the question while dodging around it simultaneously.”
“Well …”
Caroline bit her lip, and David found himself staring at her mouth.
Something stirred in his gut, and he found his thoughts returning to wondering what it would be like to kiss that soft-looking mouth.
Ever since Caroline came back into his life, he couldn’t stop thinking about anything else.
He had kept it pushed back in his mind, not willing to dwell on it, but it kept coming out at the wrong time.
Now felt like the wrong time to say any of this, even if it was subtle.
Caroline walked towards him, her expression going from confused to nervous and then apprehensive. David hadn’t seen her like this before. It was as if she was scared of what to say for fear of how he would react. She paused beside him, staring at a knot in the trunk.
“Sometimes, I wish things were different,” she said softly. She reached out and brushed her fingers over the bark. “I wish I weren’t in this position and that I could be what is desired in the ton. There are things in my life that I can’t get back, and this is one of them.”
“Would you have put yourself in this position if I hadn’t left?”
Her fingers paused, and David could see her mind turning. Unable to help himself, he reached out and touched her hand, curling his fingers around hers.
“I’d like to think that things would not be as they are now if you hadn’t been sidelined because of the ton’s judgemental attitude to other people,” he whispered. “I would never let that happen to you.”
Caroline looked up at him, and he could see that her eyes, now wide in surprise, were darker than he remembered. Did that mean something? Before David could understand what he had just seen, Caroline pulled away from him, her fingers slipping away.
“It’s in the past now, Your Grace,” she said coolly, rubbing her hands on her skirts. “We are now in different places in Society, and that isn’t something we should forget no matter what our pasts were.”
“Caroline …”
“Forgive me, but I need to go inside and make sure your sisters are not doing something stupid. I’m sure Gwen will catch a cold somehow with her antics.” Caroline turned away. “I’ll see you inside, Your Grace. I’ve got to get back to my charges.”
David watched her go, ducking under the branches, and her skirts disappeared from sight as she hurried away. It felt like she was running away from him. Given what he had been hinting at, it was venturing into territory they needed to avoid. But David wanted her to come back.
He just wanted to hold her, just for a moment. Even if it was a bad idea, and he shouldn’t have any sort of romantic thoughts about her. And they were romantic; David knew that much.
Just as much as he knew that the woman he had been thinking about while having lunch with Lady Mary Chadwick was Caroline Fairfax, the governess.