Chapter 18
“You actually said that to her?” Joseph demanded, staring at David with wide eyes. “You actually told Caroline that you love her?”
David flinched.
“I didn’t say it in so many words …”
“That’s what it sounds like! You pretty much hinted that you were in love with her.” Joseph rubbed the back of his neck, looking bewildered. “Honestly, that is something I was not expecting of you, David. I thought you would never say anything to Caroline.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on, how long have I known you? I know when feelings change, and I know what is going on. Why you invited Caroline to go to the Lake District with you.”
“It’s because I wanted my sisters to see the estate,” David protested.
Joseph snorted.
“No, it wasn’t. You just wanted an excuse to have your lovely new governess at your side. And I saw the way she looked at you earlier. It’s clear that things are returned, even if you’re daft enough to ignore it.”
David didn’t know what to say to that. He had suspected that Caroline might feel something for him, and to have it confirmed with how she looked at him moments before she practically ran away …
That should have made him happy. It should have felt good to know affections like that were returned and not just one-sided. But it just left him uncomfortable.
Maybe I shouldn’t have hired her as my governess. Then I could be free to pursue her.
For the most part.
“It can’t happen now, Joseph. You know it can’t.”
“Why on earth not? If there’s a mutual attraction, and I’m pretty sure it’s been there for years …”
“Wait, slow down a moment.” David sat up, holding up his hands from Joseph’s onslaught. “What are you talking about? What’s been there for years? You think I’ve had an attraction for Caroline since we were children?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. Even when the four of us were spending time together, it was mostly just you two. Eleanor and I didn’t mind, but you did have moments where it was just the two of you. Like we didn’t exist.” Joseph shrugged. “I’m pretty sure you can see where I’m coming from.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, and it’s giving me a headache.” David pressed his fingers to his temples. “But you know perfectly well that I can’t pursue anything on it. Not now.”
He had thought telling Joseph about what he said to Caroline would help him feel less guilty about the situation and that Joseph might be able to think of a way to settle everything, but that wasn’t happening. If anything, Joseph’s reaction was making David feel worse.
He was regretting telling his friend anything at all now.
“You are such a pathetic man, David,” Joseph scoffed, leaning back against the windowsill with his arms folded. “You come to terms with your feelings for Caroline at the wrong moment. Why couldn’t you do that before you asked to employ her?”
“I didn’t think it was …”
“Didn’t think it was what?”
David growled and slumped back in his chair.
“I don’t know. It’s … it’s hard to describe.”
Joseph grunted.
“Well, you’re going to have to figure it out. And decide what you’re going to do about the situation.”
“What else can I do except put it to one side? It’s too late to do anything about it.”
“Not in my opinion. You can still tell her the truth and tell her how you feel instead of tiptoeing around it.” Joseph threw up his hands.
“Honestly, you’re probably one of the most irritating men I’ve ever known, David.
To think you would be stupid enough to employ the woman you have feelings for and have her in the same house for days on end.
What did you think was going to happen? Did you think those feelings were going to go away? ”
David narrowed his eyes.
“You do know that you’re leaning next to an open window, Joseph? It won’t take much to give you a push.”
“We’re on the ground floor. I doubt it’ll do much.”
“It might give you a knock to the head, which is what you need.”
Joseph barked out a harsh laugh.
“I think you’re the one who needs a knock to the head. You’ve really messed this up for yourself if you don’t tell Caroline the truth. What’s wrong with following what you want? You did that before?”
David knew that. He had been determined to follow what his heart wanted, going after something that made him happy. It was how he focused on life after his mother’s death. But now he was the Duke of Bayntree and had duties to fulfil.
Duties that didn’t match up with what his heart wanted. He had to think about Henrietta and Gwen and ensure things were stable enough for them. Their reputation had to be thought of as well, even if they didn’t do anything. David didn’t want to hurt either of them.
But it just felt like he was hurting himself, holding his feelings back.
At times like this, David didn’t want to be the duke. He was more restricted than anticipated and didn’t like it.
A knock on the door stopped David from saying something that would have made Joseph’s ears burn, and he scowled.
“What is it?”
The door opened, and Hadleigh put his head into the room.
“Lady Caroline’s returned, Your Grace. You wanted to know when she returned?”
David didn’t realise he had sat up suddenly until Joseph made a noise that sounded like he was trying to hold back a snicker. He ignored his friend.
“Where is she now?”
“She’s in the schoolroom. Do you want me to send her through?”
“No, I’ll go to her.” David stood up, shooting Joseph a sharp look. “Don’t you dare …”
“What?” Joseph held up his hands. “I wasn’t going to say anything.”
“You’d better not.”
Knowing that his friend could see himself out, David left his study.
He had been antsy about Caroline’s return, especially after his talk with Joseph, which hadn’t been productive at all.
He didn’t think he would have to do this, and it felt like the hardest thing David had ever had to do.
And he had been at his parents’ funerals.
Why couldn’t life just be so simple?
Sure enough, Caroline was in the schoolroom, arranging the papers on her desk.
Her head was bowed, her shoulders hunched.
Her body language said something had occurred, and she wasn’t too happy about it.
Had she and Eleanor had a fight? David would be surprised if that happened; Eleanor and Caroline were closer than he and Joseph were.
He couldn’t remember the last time they actually squabbled.
“Caroline?”
Caroline stilled, seeming to turn into a statue. David saw her shoulders move as she took a deep breath, and then she turned, giving him a wan smile.
“Your Grace? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Liar. “And didn’t I tell you to call me David when we’re alone?”
“I think that would be inappropriate, don’t you?” Caroline’s voice was cool. “After what was exchanged between us yesterday?”
She did have a point, but David didn’t want that to change. He moved closer to her.
“Are you alright? Did you and Eleanor argue?”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you’re snapping at me, something you don’t do.”
Caroline’s jaw tightened, and then she looked away, closing her eyes for a moment.
“Forgive me. I didn’t mean …”
“I’m used to it by now. Everyone snaps at me.” David wanted to reach out and touch her, but he stopped himself. “What happened?”
“Nothing, really.” Caroline finally looked up. “We just had a lot to talk about, and it was … intense.”
That was probably as much as David would get out of her. He could tell Caroline wouldn’t divulge anything further.
He braced himself. This would have to be done now; otherwise, they would be dancing around each other forever.
“Listen, Caroline …”
“I feel bad about what happened.”
David blinked.
“I beg your pardon?”
“When you and I were in the garden yesterday. When we …” Caroline flushed. “I feel guilty for saying something that could indicate … well, I’m sure you know …”
David remained silent. He could understand what Caroline was saying. He waited until Caroline continued.
“I will understand if you wish me to leave.”
“What?” Now that David hadn’t expected. “What do you mean?”
“So you can find another governess. I will not blame you if you want me to leave my position.” She bit her lip. “I won’t like it, but I’ll understand.”
David felt the panic building. The thought of Caroline leaving was not possible. She couldn’t go anywhere.
“No!”
Caroline frowned.
“No?”
“I … I don’t want you to go.” David wished he knew what to say without stumbling over his words. “I understand that what I said to you was inappropriate. I won’t deny them, but I shouldn’t have said anything. Especially given our current positions to each other.”
Caroline stared at him.
“You won’t deny …”
“I meant what I said, but I understand that it wasn’t appropriate, or professional.
We both know that things aren’t ideal, and we both have positions to pay attention to.
The best thing to do would be to put distance between us, but …
” God, he was really making a mess of it.
“I don’t want you to go. I wouldn’t be able to accept that I’m losing someone I care about. ”
“So, does that mean …”
“It means I want you to stay. We can be professional around each other, can’t we? You and I have known each other for a long time. We can get past this, can’t we?” David knew he sounded like he was pleading, but he didn’t care. “Will you stay? With my sisters?”
Will you stay with me?
Caroline didn’t respond for a while. David wanted to rush an answer out of her, but he waited. Finally, Caroline answered, her voice barely a whisper.
“I think I can be professional with you, Your Grace. But we cannot be alone again. We will be employer and governess now, not friends.”
“You don’t want us to be friends?”
“I do, but until we get past this, we need to maintain everything else. That’s more important, after all.” Caroline drew in a breath. “And I don’t want to lose my position because I falter about you.”