Chapter 15 #2
"Especially since…what I feel for you, and what I felt for you back then…it overwhelmed me," he confessed.
"I was bloody scared of my feelings for you.
They were too strong, too much, and too fast. I was worried that I would turn out like my father…
in love with someone who felt nothing for me.
Manipulated by someone who only used those words as a way to make a fool out of me.
Later on, when our marriage settled and you never said those words again, I chalked it up to the pressure of our unique situation.
Our marriage, though normal to us, was not real in the traditional sense.
We'd just agreed to give our marriage a real go and spent an incredible three weeks together.
You were also a virgin, so I thought you were having a knee-jerk reaction to your first lovemaking. "
I nodded, understanding what he meant. Because I had no experience and had not had a serious boyfriend prior, he thought it natural that I would latch on and fall for my first sexual partner.
"When your father first put an offer of marriage to you on the table, I was pissed.
I knew that I would eventually marry one day, and not for love.
But I thought she would be someone within my circle and age group.
Perhaps we would date for a little while to ensure we were compatible.
She would be older and sophisticated with experience under her belt. "
His mouth twisted in a wry grin, needing to soothe his words so as not to offend. "A whirlwind marriage to an eighteen-year-old was not on my radar."
I glanced up at him beneath coy lashes. "So what changed your mind?"
He sighed and reached out to stroke one rosy cheek.
"I guess it started when I saw a picture of you.
I couldn't deny that I found you extremely attractive, but I also couldn't deny that I was extremely attracted to you.
I was left feeling intrigued and annoyed.
I couldn't get you out of my head, so I requested a meeting. "
"And you were so arrogant and rude, I wanted nothing to do with you," I dryly remembered.
He shook his head. "And I left that meeting more infatuated with you than ever. And not bloody happy about it. I have to tell you; I did somewhat trick you into marrying me—"
"Cesare told me all about it." I smirked, smugness overcoming me that I had one over him. "My father took marriage off the table in some sort of parental guilty conscience—but you insisted upon it anyway."
His mouth tightened, yet his eyes were alight with humour. "My father gossips worse than a knitting circle."
"He loves you. If he didn't, he wouldn't have approached me to leave you to make you happy."
"Dio mio, that would have had the opposite effect! Though I must admit, I was seriously contemplating a separation."
I flinched at that confession, confusion at that reveal clouding my vision. "You were?"
His arms encircled my waist, and he pulled me up against his body.
"I could sense that you were miserable, and I didn't want to be the reason for that anymore.
So I very unselfishly started to look into a divorce solicitor.
" He shook his head. "And then Gordon called about you being in this hotel, and I wised up pretty damn fast. When I was smacked in the face with the reality that I was actually about to lose you, I knew in that moment that there was nothing I wouldn't do, no law I wouldn't break, to keep you. "
"If you felt that strongly about me, even if you didn't realise that it was love, why did you dump me off at your home in Devon?"
"Out of sight, out of mind." His deep voice was heavy with regret. His large hands tucked themselves under my shirt, their roughness spanning the expanse of my bare back.
"When I married you, I was determined to have a marriage purely in name only. We'd stay legally bound for a few years until I was ready to be married. No harm, no foul."
"So why did you come after me seven months later?"
"Curiosity, mainly. I was highly amused by your passive-aggressive retaliation."
I huffed indignantly. They were supposed to piss him off, not amuse him.
"But then your purchases changed from diamond bracelets to farm feed.
I thought: 'I'll just check that she's okay.
That she hadn't palmed her credit card off to some hapless farmer as punishment.
'" His expression turned severe, his brow raised.
"I did not expect to find you flirting with some farmhand. "
"Tom's lovely."
"And fancies the pants off you," he swiftly countered. "I saw his crestfallen face when I informed him that you were leaving."
"Is that why you haven't let me go back?"
He tilted his chin in that unapologetic, manly and arrogant way.
"I never planned on taking you to Sicily, but the words were out of my mouth before I could think. I was eaten by jealousy and wanted you well away from prying male eyes."
"And I was so mad that you dragged me there," I wistfully recalled, "but the joke was on me because I ended up falling madly in love with you."
He groaned, his body crowding mine as he attempted to soothe the hurt away. "And you heard me on the phone making those…plans."
There was a short stab of pain as the memory resurfaced.
Even all these years later, I could still recall the visceral hurt I'd felt when I stood outside his door and listened to his voice softly promise another woman his time and pleasure.
Having to suck it up and pretend my heart wasn't breaking was the hardest thing I'd had to do.
"I was devastated. But it was also the moment that I grew up.
That's when I realised that my marriage was not going to be the exception.
That I could either rage at you and we could separate again, or I could take a leaf out of my parents' marriage and make it work.
I knew that any romantic notions I had conjured up in my head had to disappear.
I was married to someone who treated me well, and for that I should be grateful.
After all, you already told me that you would take a mistress, I went into the marriage knowing that already. "
Alessio's guilt-ridden gaze slid away from me.
His jaw pulsed, and I knew that a million and one regrets were running through his head.
He pulled away slightly and ran a palm down his face with a shuddering sigh.
I hadn't noticed earlier, but this close, I could see the dark shadows under his eyes and the new stress lines bracketing his firm mouth.
Despite his tired appearance, he was still devastatingly handsome, and my own tired body started to stir.
"Sicily was…everything," he confessed in a sharp breath.
"I already knew that if I got to know you on a deeper level, I would grow even more infatuated.
" His mouth tightened, and he shook his head.
"But I can see now how wrong I was. I fell in love with you back then.
It freaked me out. Lying in bed with you in my arms, after the most profound lovemaking of my life…
and then hearing you utter those three words that I was so afraid to say or even acknowledge…
dio mio," he swore at himself. "I thought I could prove that you didn't have a chokehold on me, and the only way to kid myself that I still had some semblance of control was to be with other women. "
He turned to me then, his eyes desperate and pleading. "I've only been with two women since Sicily—Marguerite and Annabelle. I saw Marguerite once in a while, and not as often after we got married. I ended things with her not long after Sicily."
I licked my lips and nodded, my eyes not quite meeting his. It still hurt to think of him with other women. Alessio let out an undignified whimper as he pulled me closer. His spicy scent invaded my senses, although slightly dulled from our lovemaking and shower.
"Please look at me, tesoro. Please don't shut me out. I want to be honest with you, one hundred per cent, so there are no questions left unanswered or any worries left to quell. Ask me anything, I will be truthful, I promise you."
The desperation in his voice conveyed his distress. I didn't want to absolve him of the repercussions of his actions, but it also pained me to know any further details.
But I had to. Otherwise, I would also wonder.
"And what about Annabelle?" I finally asked, my voice surprisingly steady. "Where did she fit into all of this?"
He blew his breath out. "Annabelle was my most stupid mistake.
A knee-jerk reaction born out of convenience.
She was the daughter of a business associate and had been flirting with me quite heavily.
I had no interest in muddying those waters and was more than content for it to just be us after… well, after Marguerite."
I was silent as I waited for him to speak. I didn't want to sidetrack him or cause him to stumble over his words.
His focus was trained on a spot over my shoulder. "You and I had been at a charity gala," he said. "I remember how you looked that night in a stunning strapless red dress. You were the belle of the ball, and I was quite proud to have you on my arm."
I knew which gala he meant. It was four months before Annabelle ambushed me in the lavatories.
"I'd been watching you from the edge of the dancefloor.
A son of an old business friend cornered me to discuss his start-up, but all I could concentrate on was you dancing and laughing with some young fool.
I was riddled with jealousy. Then, the person I was with laughed and said how they could tell how much I loved you just by how I was looking at you.
" His eyes were heavy with remorse as he recounted his sins.
"It was like an ice bucket dumped on me. "