18. 18 – Dante
18 – Dante
I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling.
Soft, sniffling snores fill the air, and I look down at Alessia. She curls against my side, her face hidden by her wild curls and her thumb slack in her mouth.
I thought I knew what this would feel like. What I would feel like, when I finally laid eyes on her. But this feeling – it threatens to overwhelm me, even now.
The only thing missing is Cat.
I trace my finger over her hair. “Your mother is the most stubborn woman in the world, tesoro mio . Always making me hunt her down.”
Careful not to wake her, I slide my hands beneath her sleeping form, lifting her into the cot Luc and I put together. I take a moment to fiddle with the screen next to it, slipping the monitor into my pocket.
The house is quiet as I move through. Dinner was subdued, all of us lost to our own thoughts. Even Luc was silent, his face grim as he ate before excusing himself.
This war is taking its toll. Continues to take it, even now, when we are back together. When Cat is back.
I search until I reach the small set of steps on the far side of the courtyard. They stagger down, leading directly into the sea.
And several feet out, Cat is floating, her hair a halo around her as she stares up at the sky.
She knows I’m here. I can tell by the stiffness of her expression as I toe off my shoes. My clothes.
I leave my underwear on, wading into the water.
We float beside each other. Above our heads, the sky is a sea of inky black. No stars are out tonight.
“I—,”
“I—,”
We both stop. She huffs, the smallest sound of amusement. “Go on.”
“I was angry.”
She waits.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. “My temper gets the better of me too often. And it feels as if I have been angry for so long that it’s hard to switch it off, Cat. We have lost so much time, and I’m angry at that. I’m angry that Matteo is still out there. I’m angry… I’m angry that you had to save yourself, and we were too late to stop him from hurting you.”
She’s watching me now.
It spills out in waves of fury that burn my throat on the way out. “I’m angry that my father is dead, and he didn’t deserve to go like that. I’m angry that this will not be over without more pain, more loss, when we have sacrificed enough . And I’m so angry that these days might be the only time we have, tentazione .”
“And I’m scared , Cat. I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared that you’ll run into danger and leave us behind, and we might not get you back this time.”
I take a breath. “I want to fight with you every day for the rest of our lives. I want to argue with you, and fight over the front seat, and bicker over little things that don’t really matter because the only thing that matters is us being together.”
Her breath hitches.
“And I need your help.” My voice is quieter now. “Because that little girl we made is a stubborn ball of fire, and she’s going to need both of us to stay alive until the end of this, Cat. She’s perfect, and she’s ours, and it’s hurting my heart to watch you holding yourself back when I can see how much it’s hurting you .”
I force my feet down to the floor, stand up in the water and turn to her, water dripping from my bare skin in the war night air. Her face glows with the light from the courtyard behind us. “We get one life, Cat. I want to spend as much of it as I can with you, with her, even with this strange family that you’ve built.”
I push my way toward her, cutting through the water, and grip her cheeks between my hands.
She’s cold beneath my touch – like ice . “Cat.”
And her eyes – they’re glassy, as she stares straight through me. As if it’s not me she’s seeing at all. My body tenses as I look over my shoulder, and back to her.
She starts to shake.
“Hey.” I drop my palms to her arms, rub up and down, trying to transfer some of my heat into her. “Talk to me.”
She just stares. Stares at my bare skin, and I start to panic. “Look at me.”
I try to pull her closer, and she… she explodes .
Her hands claw at my face, raking down my cheek as she throws herself back, disappearing under the water.
“Cat!” I roar her name, throwing myself after her. Her legs thrash as I drag her back up. “What the hell —,”
She’s wheezing, pushing away from me, and my heart rips down the middle at the petrified look on her face. “ Stop – stop—, ”
I let go, backing away with my hands in the air. “ Tentazione . Please. It’s just me. Dante. Your Dante.”
My heart is splintering at the fear that crosses her face. I thought I had seen her frightened, that night that she left us.
But not like this. Never like this.