Chapter Nine
ISWING INTO a parking spot and stare at the incredible ocean view.
I love Newport. It’s such a beautiful seaside town, especially in August. But it’s not my home. It’s Sawyer and Quinn’s home. My home is in Portland.
I did it. I just visited Quinn for the first time since I left three months ago.
She wasn’t upset to see me. She has Sawyer, Josie, and Jordyn—her family. Her home. She’s content. I’m not a threat to her security. Confidence oozes from every pore of her beautiful skin. She knows with certainty that Sawyer loves her and only her.
Visiting with her and seeing Josie and Jordyn was tougher than I thought it would be—and easier than I thought it would be.
We had a nice talk. Emotional. But it was good, really good.
It was the right thing to do. I’m glad Ren encouraged me to do it without pushing too hard. It needed to be my decision.
I’ve been seeing Ren for one glorious month.
Our first week together set the tone for our relationship.
He takes me to lunch on Wednesdays. On Thursdays I join him for taste testing.
On Fridays I dine at Exodus and allow my eyes to soak him in.
I love watching him, as creepy as that sounds.
I love when he glances my way and winks at me.
I love when he stops at my table and pretends we don’t know each other, bombarding me with silly jokes.
I now have a table on permanent reserve on Friday nights, even though it’s one of his busiest days.
When he’s done for the evening, it has become our habit to eat pancakes together in the middle of the night.
We run together on Saturdays in the early afternoon—after which he attempts to teach me to cook.
Which is still a lost cause. Then he has to rush off to Exodus.
We are creatures of habit. But he’s a habit I don’t want to break. Besides, it’s the only time he has to give me. His life is very regimented.
I exaggerated the truth while talking to Quinn. I made it sound as though Ren and I were about to marry and adopt next week. I guess I wanted to give the impression I was over Sawyer. I doubt I succeeded.
Several things are weighing on my mind, though, and I need to work through them. I’m a list-maker; I always have been. My business mind needs to plan everything out. I pull the small leather notebook from my purse and continue to stare at the ocean, letting it calm my whirling thoughts.
I can’t change my mistakes. But I can change my mindset. As I think, I jot everything down.
I write THE TRUTH at the top of the page and vow to be completely honest with myself.
When I think of Quinn:
Seeing her was hard.
I am okay.
I think Quinn has forgiven me a little bit.
Their home brings back all my emotions, good and bad.
Sawyer and Quinn are having another baby.
I felt jealous, yet happy for them.
I miss Quinn.
I need Quinn.
I wish I could call Quinn. Everyday.
Our friendship will never be the same.
I miss Josie and Jordyn.
I want a family.
I want my own life, not someone else’s.
When I think of Sawyer:
Sawyer has not ruined me for new relationships.
I realized I’m not on the rebound. Not anymore. I’m all about Ren.
Sawyer and I were convenient. Not much more. Ouch.
I am ready to move on.
I doubt he will ever forgive me.
I’m scared to see him again.
When I think of Ren:
Ren is my friend.
Ren heals my heart.
I love his humor.
I love his voice.
I love his half smile.
I hate cooking.
Ren is a busy man. (When does he sleep?)
Ren makes time for me.
Ren is willing to adopt.
Ren and I are not moving fast.
Ren is taking things very slow.
The last two sentences say the same thing.
Ren might be the perfect man for me.
Then at the bottom of the page I write in all caps:
I THINK I COULD EASILY FALL IN LOVE WITH REN.
I set my pen down and let the headrest cradle me. Those are the truths of my life. In black and white, right in front of me. Each one feels like an epiphany.
I’ve learned a lot about Ren over the past few weeks.
Humorous Ren is his surface personality.
It’s very much a part of him, but when I dig deeper, I find the real man underneath.
He’s a man who is a deep thinker, a man who takes time to process everything that is being said or happening around him.
I find him fascinating. I feel like he’s a mystery I’m trying to solve, but I’m missing some puzzle pieces.
I need to talk to him. Right now. If I don’t talk to him, I’m going to explode. I have so much to say.
My phone dings, alerting me to a text.
Ren: How’d it go?
I love that he’s checking up on me at the exact moment I’m thinking of him. It makes me feel like we’re on the same wavelength.
Me: Good. Can I see you?
He doesn’t respond right away, even though I can see three dots moving across my screen, evidence that he’s typing.
Five minutes pass before his next message appears.
Ren: I can call.
Why did it take him so long to type “I can call?” What did he type and then delete in the first place?
Obviously, it’s not a good time for him. I’m not bothered. It’s Sunday, his family day, and I thought he might make an exception, today of all days. But his life is full and very scheduled. He’s a family man and a successful business owner. I get it.
Me: Okay.
My phone rings just as I send my text. “Hello.”
“Hey. You okay?” Ren asks in his velvety voice.
“You know what? I am. I really am.”
“You sound…happy.”
“You sound surprised.”
“I knew this would be a hard day for you. I expected you to be feeling down.”
I rub my forehead. “I expected it too. Instead I feel…” Filled with self-realization. I know what I want in life.
My sudden urge to talk to him immediately bites me in the butt. What did I think I would say to him? Blurt out that I think I’m in love with him? That I can’t wait to see him again? That everything is okay because he’s in my life?
We’re not there yet. But we’re headed in that direction.
“I feel really good about the visit. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and now I can see everything clearly. I just wanted to tell you that. Thank you for being there for me, Ren.”
Oh boy, that came out effusive. Still, it’s how I feel right now. My emotions feel like they’re overflowing as though they’re about to spill out of me.
“I’m happy for you, Bree, and…”
I hear strange rustling noises in the background.
“I’m sorry, I have to go.”
His phone clicks in my ear before I can respond. A few minutes later I receive one more text.
Ren: Sorry about that. Busy day. Glad it went well. Talk later.
I stay right where I am for another hour, just thinking about my life and where it’s going.
For the first time in a long time, I think I’m headed in the right direction.