Chapter Ten
MONDAY MORNING HITS, and I know it’s going to be a long day. Mondays always are. It’s just part of life.
I don’t want to go to work. I’d rather be with Ren. But I never see him on Mondays anyway.
The October air is crisp, filled with the smell of pumpkin. Brightly covered fall leaves cover the ground, evidence that changes are happening all around us.
Even in my heart.
My phone rings, interrupting my thoughts and confirming my feelings about Mondays. It’s only seven in the morning.
Can’t the world leave me alone until at least nine a.m.? Give me a chance to get my bearings before I’m bombarded with business dealings?
Apparently not. Corporate life starts at the break of dawn. My brain didn’t get the memo and thinks it’s still in bed.
I swing my Camry into my reserved parking space and switch the gearshift into PARK. I grab my phone from my purse, my entire body going still when I see who’s calling.
Quinn.
We haven’t spoken since my visit to her house in August. Not because we’re angry or upset with each other. She was willing to forgive and forget because she’s such a Melanie. Things are just different now. We’re not best friends anymore. That’s on me. I ruined our relationship.
There’s one thing I’ve learned. The heart has the ability to let go and start anew, but awkward is the unwelcome houseguest that will never leave. I’ll kick him out some day, but for now he’s here to stay.
I click ACCEPT before I lose the chance to talk with Quinn. I miss her every single day of my life.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Bree. Sorry to call so early. I didn’t want to wait until later and bother you during your workday.”
“Hey, Quinn, no problem. It’s good to hear your voice.” It really is. I long to have a heart-to-heart with her, tell her all about Ren.
“Yours too,” she says, sounding a little subdued.
I remind myself that she called me. I have no reason to feel uncomfortable. On second thought, maybe there’s a million reasons, but I can ignore them if she can.
“Are you at work already?”
“Just arrived. You caught me in the parking lot.”
I hear Josie and Jordyn in the background, talking and giggling. The sounds remind me how early their day starts. Compared with Quinn’s schedule, I probably slept in. I hear the muffled sounds of cartoons in the background. I can picture the homey scene in my head with scary detail.
I sometimes wake up in the morning thinking I’m in the guestroom at 5201 Beachcomber Lane. Often, I’m disappointed when I realize I’m not. Until I think of Ren.
“Do you have a few minutes to chat?” she asks.
“Sure.” Oh hesitancy, leave my voice. “I came in early today, but everything I want to get done can wait.” I’d much rather talk to Quinn.
“Okay, as long as this isn’t an inconvenient time.”
How I’ve missed my sweet Melanie. My heart is tripping all over the place at her attempt to reach out to me. I hope we can be friends again.
“Not at all. I’d love to talk. How are you feeling?”
“Really good now that the morning sickness has passed. I finally feel like me again.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.” So I’m a little stilted. It’ll get better with time.
“How’s life with you? Are you still seeing Ren?” Quinn asks.
“Yep. About three months now and we’re still going strong. I’ve been dying to tell you about him.”
“Go for it. Tell me everything.”
I don’t need much prompting. “He’s great, Quinn.
So patient. He’s moving slowly, which is just the pace I need.
I feel like we have this amazing friendship.
I’ve never started a relationship with a man with such a strong foundation.
We’ve fallen in like with each other, and it’s an amazing feeling.
” I’m positive it’s love for me, but I’m not diving in too fast this time around. Baby steps.
“He sounds respectful. I like that.”
“Me too. He’s a busy man, but he manages to fit me into his schedule.
I love the way he has tucked me into his life, like I’m important to him, a permanent fixture.
We do lunch on Wednesdays, taste testing at his restaurant on Thursdays, dinner at his restaurant and late-night pancakes on Fridays.
On Saturdays, we go running together, then he gives me hopeless cooking lessons.
Our day is cut short when he has to be at Exodus by late afternoon. ”
Yep, three months of the exact same schedule with not one single variation. Every single week without a hiccup. When I rehash it out loud, it seems strange. Is it strange?
No, he’s just busy. I like it. It works for us. Either that, or we’re really boring.
“People tend to put the most time into what they love. That says a lot about him.”
The thought makes me frown, but I dismiss it, reminding myself for the hundredth time that Ren is a busy man.
“My so-called cooking lessons have turned into Ren cooking for me every Saturday afternoon. While he’s not a professional chef, he knows his way around a kitchen.
He makes amazing food for me, and I tend to live off it for the next few days.
I know he makes a lot on purpose, so I’ll have leftovers. It’s sweet.”
“You sound pleased. I’m happy for you, Bree.”
“Guess what? I finally did Hood to Coast.”
“You did? You’ve always wanted to do it. That’s so wonderful. Look at you, fulfilling your dreams.”
Sweet, sweet Melanie. Encouraging and effusive. She always makes me feel good about myself. I want to return the favor so much, it hurts.
It was amazing to spend so much precious time with Ren.
“Well, I didn’t actually compete in it. Ren was driving the van for his former team and asked me to join him.
We had twenty-four hours together in the confines of the van.
I mean, other than when we caught a few hours of sleep.
But the rest of the time, we talked. Nonstop, like we could hardly get our thoughts out fast enough.
I’ve never connected with someone like that. It was like…”
We both say magic at the same time, imitating a movie line from Sleepless in Seattle, but neither one of us needs to verbalize it. We both know. We’ve watched the movie together a hundred times.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m finally experiencing magical moments.”
“It’s your turn, Bree. You deserve it.”
“I’ve missed you, Quinn. So, so much.”
“I’ve missed you too. Actually, that’s why I’m calling. I wanted to catch up, but there’s something else too.”
I hear the tentativeness in her voice, and dread fills my soul.
Quinn lets a few beats of silence pass before continuing.
“A friend is throwing me a baby shower on Saturday morning. I would love to have you there. An invitation should be arriving in the mail. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. If you can’t come, I understand.
I really do. I know this is hard, really hard, and I know it might be too uncomfortable for you.
I get it, and I won’t be upset if you can’t do it.
But I wanted you to know that I want you there. It won’t feel right without you.”
My breath hisses through my lips as I release it.
Quinn goes on. “The thing is, the lady who planned it decided it would be a couple’s shower. She hates leaving out the father.”
Ouch. A hard situation just got harder.
“Of course, there’s no hard-and-fast rule. You can come alone if you want to, but I didn’t want you to be taken unaware.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Is there any chance you can come?” Quinn asks quietly.
“Yes, I’ll be there.” I say it quickly, before I can change my mind or think about it for too long. Otherwise, I’ll talk myself out of it. My best friend wants me at her baby shower. Of course I’ll be there.
So will Sawyer.
So will Ren.
“I’ll bring Ren if he can come.”
I’m sure he’ll go with me. He knows how hard it would be for me to face it alone.
It’ll be interesting, to say the least. It’s necessary, though.
At some point, we’ll all be in the same room together.
It might as well happen sooner rather than later.
I need to face Sawyer and get it over with.
It’s just that he was brimming with anger last time I saw him.
For good reason. I’d done some pretty horrible things to Quinn and to try to monopolize his attention.
“Thanks, Bree. I knew you’d come.” She sounds relieved.
I love that she doesn’t patronize me with sickly sentiments designed to make me feel better about being unable to have children of my own.
She knows I hate being treated with kid gloves.
If someone wants to invite me to their baby shower, then I want them to do it.
Leaving me out because they’re worried I’ll be uncomfortable makes it worse.
I don’t want anyone to watch their words around me or never talk about their children around me.
That’s a dagger to my heart that never stops twisting.
Quinn has always included me in her maternal experiences and she doesn’t hold back. It’s so refreshing. Of course, she has the advantage because she knows me so well and knows how I feel about the matter. I shouldn’t fault other people for trying to be sensitive to my issues.
I’m trying to soften my inner Scarlett, but it’s not easy. I am who I am. Still, I know I’ve been subdued for a while now as I undergo a bit of a metamorphosis. That’s okay. I like the person I’m becoming. Change for the better is always good, albeit hard.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” I say. Not entirely true. Maybe mostly true.
“By the way, it’s a boy,” Quinn tells me.
A boy. My heart can’t help but squeeze just a little. He’ll probably be a blond-haired, blue-eyed mini hunk like his father. “A boy? How exciting. Congratulations, Quinn.” I sound overly effusive, though I feel anything but. “Just one?”
“Just one this time.”
Sawyer is probably over the moon. He adores his twin daughters, but don’t most men want a son? Someone to carry on their name? Someone to teach manly things to? Isn’t it a sign of being robust and strapping to have fathered a son?
I don’t know. Sawyer’s not the chauvinistic type. He’s one of the good guys. Polite to a fault, as evidenced by the way he tried so hard to let me down easy when I knew he just wanted to be with Quinn. I was the bad guy. No, I was the villain. It doesn’t sit well with me.
“I’m so happy for you. I really am. You deserve happiness.” I mean it too. I’m changing. I can dole out compliments, and they’re sincere.
“Thank you. I look forward to meeting Ren,” she adds. “He sounds wonderful.”
Ren. I can picture him in my mind so perfectly.
His image is embedded in my memory. His dark hair, his dark brown eyes.
His quick wit. His obsession with safety.
His voice that makes me feel warm all over, like I just drank a cup of hot apple cider.
He’s the total opposite of Sawyer, who happens to be the vision of the all-American surfer stereotype.
Ren is different. Dark and intense, yet he has a sense of humor. Somehow the combination is perfect for me.
“I look forward to seeing you, Quinn. How far along are you now?”
“I’m five months.” I hear the hesitation in her voice.
My mind does a few quick calculations. Hold up. Five months? Quinn has only been home for five months.
Oh.
This is a “throes of passion” baby. This is a “we’re finally reunited, and we can’t think about anything else but each other” baby. This is a “we’re being careless, and we don’t notice” baby. This is an “I finally got rid of Bree” baby.
I bet Sawyer was angry with himself over that one. Quinn was still recovering from her ordeal at that time, and she was so fragile.
I don’t want to think about it. Honestly, my feelings for Ren are so intense right now, I’m not sure Sawyer has any power over me any longer.
Still, it will always be painful. That’s just the way it is.
“That’s wonderful, Quinn. I’m over the moon for you.” My voice is a tad high, like I’m lying, and my voice inadvertently reveals it with a change of tone. My compliments might be sincere, but they don’t roll off my tongue easily.
But I mean it. I really do.
“Thanks, Bree. See you Saturday.”
The line goes dead. And I mumble into the air, “No. Thank you, Quinn. Thank you for looking past my horrible behavior and forgiving me. Thank you for being part of my tribe, for standing around me and telling me I’m good.”
I love Quinn. But I no longer want everything she has.
I want my own life.