Chapter Twenty-one
WHEN I ENTER the restaurant, I see Quinn sitting at a corner booth. She gets to her feet when she notices me heading her way. Oh my. Her baby belly is huge, and she looks radiant.
She’s wearing a long feminine gray sweater with pearls stitched all over it, leggings, and comfy flats. The outfit shows every curve she has, highlighting her baby belly.
We embrace. I hug her for longer than I should, careful of her protruding stomach. It takes everything inside me to let her go. I want to stay in her arms, soak up her comfort. It still feels like such a miracle that she’s even here.
“You look beautiful,” I blurt.
Quinn holds her belly. “Thank you. You’re as gorgeous as ever. To this day, I’ve never seen such stunning red hair combined with blue eyes in my life.”
She’s not jealous of me. At. All. She has no need to be. I’m sure Sawyer has professed his undying love. All day, every day. There’s not an ounce of insecurity inside her.
It doesn’t matter anyway. I love Ren the Unattainable.
We sit down in the booth, quickly choosing and placing our orders. I’m thankful for a corner booth where we can speak freely with a semblance of privacy.
Quinn speaks up immediately. “What’s wrong, Bree? I could hear the stress in your voice yesterday.”
I want to blurt it all out, cry on her shoulder, and let my best friend console me. But I don’t. “Wait. Can I say something first? Maybe you don’t need to hear it, but I need to say it. Please?”
She’s hesitant, perceiving what I mean right away.
“It’s water under the bridge. Let it go.
I have. It’s freeing to let go of a grudge.
Holding it inside is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
It only hurts you. I didn’t come up with that thought.
It’s a quote by Saint Augustine. But it’s very true. ”
My wise Quinn. She knows how to speak common sense into my soul. “It’s something I have to say, or I can’t live with myself.”
She doesn’t answer right away, instead she mulls it over for a few football minutes. “Okay, then. Say your piece.” Quinn sips from her water with lemon. Dainty while elegantly huge. I don’t know how she pulls it off.
“The day I visited you for the first time after I left…there were things I wanted to say. You brushed it off, like it wasn’t necessary.
I appreciated your willingness to forgive.
But I need to say it. Out loud. I’m sorry, Quinn.
I’m so, so sorry for my behavior. When I knew I was losing everything, it was as though I went a little crazy.
That doesn’t excuse anything. But that’s what happened.
I was horrible to you. I just want you to know that I know how truly awful I behaved.
I’m sorry, and I’m working toward being a better person.
I’m trying. I keep failing, but I’m trying. ”
To my surprise, Quinn brushes away a tear.
“Thank you for saying that. I guess I did need to hear it. But here’s the thing.
We all have things we need to change about ourselves.
We all make mistakes. We’re all trying to do better.
We’re in this together. I’m proud of you for trying to be a better person, but I don’t want you to change who you are.
I love my spunky Bree. You can be better without losing yourself in the process. ”
“I like that concept.” Except I like this softer version of myself. I’m not sure I want to go backward. “There’s one more thing I need to say. If I don’t say it, I never will, and it needs to be said.”
“Okay. Go on.” She’s hesitant again, but she’s willing to hear me out.
“Here’s the thing. If I hadn’t been living in your home and taking care of your girls, Sawyer never would’ve sought me out.
Not in a thousand years. It was a marriage of desperation.
I see that now. I pushed. He gave in. Why?
Because he was a broken, lonely man. We weren’t in love with each other.
Oh, I thought I was, don’t get me wrong.
But now that I’ve experienced real love, I see the difference. ”
Quinn takes a deep breath. “The hardest part of the entire situation was that you sacrificed your life to take care of our daughters with so much love. We both wanted to be mad at you. It was a crazy mixed bag of feelings. We felt betrayed by your behavior yet thankful for what you had done for us. I still don’t know how to reconcile the two emotions.
It’s impossible. Letting it go was the only way out of a dark pit of despair.
” Quinn rubs her belly, a blatant reminder of how much Sawyer loves her.
“As for Sawyer, he was in shock at my sudden return. I don’t blame him for struggling with everything that happened.
He did the best he could. He still has regrets, though. ”
Ouch. Pretty sure I’m his regrets. He spent so much time trying to let me down easy when I knew he was dying to be with Quinn.
“Let me say one more thing, then I promise to stop bringing up the past. I can’t emphasize this enough.
Sawyer was grieving, and that made him very vulnerable.
He wasn’t the strong, confident man you knew.
He was broken and weak. Up until the moment you came home, his grief hadn’t faded.
I mean, like at all. I could sway him so easily because he literally was functioning on fumes.
I’m not proud of this, but I begged him to rename his boat Breezy.
He gave in because I wouldn’t leave him alone about it.
We both know that the Sawyer before he lost you wouldn’t have put up with that type of manipulation.
He was a ghost of a man. It wasn’t his idea.
I knew he didn’t want to do it. He did it only because I asked him to, over and over.
To be honest, I think he did it just to make me shut the heck up.
Just thought you should know that. I can’t say I’m sorry enough times. ”
Quinn nods. I notice she doesn’t seem surprised by my confession. I assume Sawyer has already told her everything. “No worries. It’s all good. Somehow, we’re all back where we belong.”
Her confidence floors me. She and Sawyer have absolutely renewed their relationship. Of course, I already knew that.
“I needed my Melanie today.” She sees the world through a different lens.
“And I need my sassy Scarlett, so start being yourself again.”
“Within limits,” I add.
“Yeah, okay. Agreed.”
We smile at each other, and I swear the weight of the world is lifted off my shoulders.
Will we be besties again? No, not after my betrayal.
Friends? Yes. Every now and again.
“Tell me about this great love you’ve found. Is it Ren?”
“Yes, it’s Ren. He’s the one. He’s so good. I mean, to his very core. And for some odd reason, he loves me too. Even though he knows every single bad thing I’ve ever done, he still loves me. I don’t get it.”
“I do,” Quinn says. “He sees the real you. Hate to break it to you, Bree, but you’re good on the inside. So good that you dropped your own life to take care of my daughters. Do you know how much that means to me? You’re selfless and beautiful. You’re generous, kindhearted, and thoughtful.”
“I tried to steal your husband,” I say firmly, as if that one sentence makes everything she just said a big fat lie.
“While that’s true, and it wasn’t your finest moment, it doesn’t change the fact that you have a huge heart and so much love to give.”
“I was horrible to you when you returned home.” It’s a fact that makes me cringe inside.
“You were,” Quinn agrees. “But you’ve apologized. Just don’t do it again.”
“Deal.” I’m again taken aback by her confidence. She knows I’m not a threat to her marriage.
Quinn goes on. “As I was saying, there’s so much love inside you, you’re going to burst if you don’t have someone to give it to. You’re compassionate. You’ll drop everything to go and help someone in need. You say it differently than I do, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.”
“Are you talking about me? The sarcastic Breanna Kingston?”
“Yes, you. You hide behind sarcasm to protect your heart.”
I do? I guess I need to work on that. Add it to the list.
Then I think about the story Ren told me about the tribes in South Africa. Quinn is my tribe. She’s it. She has always seen the good in me. She’s sitting across from me praising me and telling me how good I am.
The tribes in South Africa are correct. It changes me. I see my worth. I’m being told I’m good; therefore, I am good. I’m being told I’m kindhearted; therefore, I am.
Ren did the same thing. He changed me. He built me up.
It’s my turn to wipe away a tear or two. “Thank you, Quinn.”
“So what’s the problem with Ren?”
Our food arrives then, interrupting our conversation. We both ordered soup and salad, but the servings are huge.
“He’s married.” I take a large forkful of salad as if I didn’t just blurt out something huge.
Quinn’s expression conveys surprise. “What?”
“You heard me right. He’s a devoted husband and father. A sexy one, but he’s as domestic as they come.”
“I don’t understand. If he’s devoted, why was he spending so much time with you?” Quinn’s fork is frozen between her plate and her mouth.
“Oh, he loves me and wants to remain friends.” I hang my head for a moment.
“It’s a long, sad story. And I’m angry with him.
Not crazy-Bree angry—normal-Bree angry. He shouldn’t have started a relationship with me when he knew he couldn’t follow through.
Except I did tell him I only wanted to be friends. So there’s that.”
“I’m going to need you to explain. You lost me. Leave out nothing.” Quinn finally takes a bite of salad.
I take a deep breath and explain every detail. From becoming friends to him never touching me. From spending Sunday with his family to visiting his heartbreakingly broken wife.
Quinn hangs on every word, her eyes wide. “So he refuses to divorce her, even though it’s been four years? And he refuses to leave her or give up on her?”
“Yep. The wife he knew and loved is gone. There’s no coming back from where she is. She’ll never get better. Yet he won’t move on with his life. He’s living in limbo. It’s like he’s torturing himself.” I scoff. “It appears I have a penchant for falling in love with married men. Go me.”
“Breeeee,” Quinn breathes. “You can’t see it, can you?”
“See what? That I’m destined to be alone my entire life?”
“No, you finally got it right.” Quinn runs one hand through her blond hair, almost with frustration.
“You’ve found a man who is faithful and loyal to the end.
Do you realize how rare that is? What an amazing man.
He’s dedicated without wavering. He’s devoted to his wife.
Those qualities should be commended, not scorned.
He should be admired, not belittled. Don’t let him go.
Stand by his side. He needs you; he needs support.
He needs companionship. He obviously loves you, but he won’t let himself betray his wife.
Be there for him, waiting in the wings. One day he will lose her, and he’ll turn to you.
You’ll have your happily-ever-after. You just have to wait for it a little longer.
But it will come. Don’t lose him, Bree.”
I have to admit, Quinn’s words stun me. Why didn’t I see the situation the way she does? Why did I choose to feel betrayed? To cut Ren out of my life? Will I never learn to be a decent human being?
“But he didn’t tell me…” I start.
Quinn interrupts. “What could he have said? ‘By the way, my wife is brain dead? I refuse to leave her. Want to have dinner on Friday night?’ Would you have given him the time of day?”
“Well…I…uh…probably not.” I don’t know what I would’ve done. More than likely, I wouldn’t have wanted to get involved.
Ren’s handsome face runs through my mind. His smile, his laughter, his humor, his kindness. His velvety voice. The way he builds people up. The way he built me up. I love him. I adore him. I miss him. I want him.
“I can literally see your brain ticking away. What are you going to do about it?” Quinn asks.
“I’m going to call him the minute I get home?” Why is that a question?
“No, not good enough. You need a grand gesture. Go to him. Find him. Apologize. Tell him exactly how you feel. Make an effort.”
I nod several times as I think it through.
Quinn adds, “But if he denies you, listen to him the first time he says it.”
My face flashes with heat. “That’s fair.” But I don’t want to think about the mistakes I made with Sawyer.
Quinn’s right. I need to stand by Ren’s side. Help him through this difficult time in his life.
And wait for my turn.