Chapter 26 Becky #2
“No! Playing with you dents my confidence.”
“Go on. Just one more game, Becky.”
It was all very familiar and comforting, but at that moment Will walked back into the room.
He tucked his phone back into his pocket. “Sorry about that. You know how it is, Martin.”
“I do.” Martin stood up. “And you’re making me realise how good it feels not to constantly be on edge, waiting for those calls. For the first time ever I’m going to help Jenny in the kitchen. You two should relax for a while.”
Relax? She’d never felt less relaxed in her life.
“I should probably help Mum, too,” Becky said quickly, ignoring Will’s raised eyebrow as she shot across the room to the door. “It’s not fair for her to have to do everything.”
She felt jumpy and nervous because she knew the conversation with Will couldn’t be avoided forever.
Or maybe it could. Maybe it was going to be one of those things they’d never mention again.
After lunch, they joined the traditional family walk on the beach, and walked hand in hand, chatting to Jamie and Hayley, and Becky discovered that providing she didn’t look at Will directly, it was perfectly possible to maintain the charade.
When Jamie had asked where they were living Becky said cheerfully that they were mostly at Will’s house , and that they hadn’t really given much thought to what their next steps were.
She was conscious of Rosie watching her closely and wondered, given Rosie’s general inability to hide what she was feeling, whether telling her the truth might have been a mistake, but at the same time it felt good having her sister in her corner.
And the walk was one of her favorites. The vast empty beaches were something she missed when she was in London, and now she made the most of it, striding out with Will as Percy bounded ahead, enjoying the space.
It was cold, but the sky was a bright blue and the sun dazzling.
Everything was going well until they turned to go back to the house and Will caught her arm.
“You go ahead,” he said to the others. “Becky and I want five minutes more to make the most of the fresh air and scenery. Living in London, we’ve missed this. And there are things we need to talk about.”
Becky stiffened. You didn’t need to be a genius to work out what those were. He wanted to check how she was feeling about the night before. He wanted to check she knew nothing had changed.
He wanted a conversation that was honest, no longer pretending, and she wasn’t sure she could do that.
She gulped. “I should help in the kitchen.”
“Everything is under control—” her mother waved her away “—you and Will enjoy yourselves. You both work so hard. You deserve some time together.”
Rosie caught her sister’s desperate look. “I could use some help wrapping my presents,” she said, her lame attempt to help demolished by Jamie.
“What? You’re much better at wrapping than Becky. You’re the best wrapper in the family.”
Out of excuses, Becky resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to be alone with Will.
And to be fair this was a conversation that needed to be had at some point, so that point might as well be now.
He probably wanted to talk about how they should handle the breakup.
She didn’t pretend for a moment that what they’d shared the night before would have changed anything.
Unless it had made him want to bring it forward.
“I’ll come and find you when I’m back.” She gave Rosie a weak smile and Rosie stepped forward and hugged her.
“I love you.”
“For goodness’ sake, Rosie, your sister is going for a walk, not a trip to the moon. You’ll see her in half an hour.” Tutting impatiently, her grandmother hustled Rosie away, leaving Becky alone with Will.
She’d never felt awkward with him before, but now she felt awkward. She kept thinking about the night before. The way he’d kissed her. The way he’d touched her.
“You don’t need to keep avoiding me, Becks. Whatever is on your mind, you can say it to me.”
If she said what was on her mind she was pretty confident that he’d faint with shock, or at least go striding after the rest of her family in a mild state of panic.
“I’m not avoiding you. It’s Christmas. Always chaotic, in my house at least.”
He watched her for a moment. “So the fact that you were gone when I woke up this morning—that wasn’t you avoiding me?”
“No! I was up early and someone needed to walk Percy.”
“Walk Percy. Right.” He paused. “I’m going to ask you a question, Becks, and I want you to answer honestly. Do you regret last night?”
Regret?
“No, I don’t regret it.” That was easy to answer. “Don’t worry about it. It’s all good. Forget it.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Forget it?”
“Well, obviously not forget , I mean it was great—” she didn’t want to insult him “—but no point in making it more than it was. We’ll call it what it was. Christmas chemistry.”
“Christmas chemistry? And what is that exactly?”
“You know! Festive spirit. Peace and goodwill to all men.”
“I don’t recall us consuming any spirits, Christmas or otherwise. And I don’t recall any other men being involved either.”
She gave him a desperate look. “You know what I mean!”
“I don’t know what you mean, Becks.”
Why was he being like this? She was making it so easy for him to agree that they should just put last night behind them. Why wasn’t he helping her?
“It doesn’t matter.” She’d never been so flustered. “Anyway, moving on from that, we need to talk about our breakup. Tell me how you want me to do it. I was thinking I could just say that the whole thing isn’t working out, and it’s my fault. What do you think?”
He thrust his hands into his pockets and stared out across the ocean. “I don’t like that.”
“Okay.” She stared at his profile, trying to read him. “What if I say that spending all this time together at Christmas made me realise that I’m not the right person for you. You deserve better. Does that work for you?”
“No.” He shook his head. “That doesn’t work for me at all.”
“Oh.” She was thrown. “Okay, well tell me what does work for you, and I’ll do it. Anything. You’ve been so great, Will. You helped me out of a really horrible situation, and I owe you. Whatever you need from me, I’m here for you.”
“Is that right?” He turned to look at her, his gaze lingering on her face.
The look in his eyes unnerved her. “Well, yes. Within reason, obviously. You’ve been so generous. And convincing. No one would ever have guessed you were pretending.”
“Why do you think that was, Becks? Why do you think I was convincing?” His tone was soft and she felt her heart thud a little harder.
“I—you’re a good actor—”
“You think I was acting last night?”
“No, but—” Images from the night before played in her head like a movie and she swallowed. “We don’t have to dissect everything. Just thanks, that’s all. We’ll talk about it another time.” She turned, intending to head back to the house, but he caught her arm.
“You’re not going anywhere—not until we’ve finished this conversation.
I know you don’t like talking about emotions, but you’re going to talk about this.
So I’m going to ask you again—” He lifted her chin with his fingers so that she had no choice but to look at him. “Why do you think I was convincing?”
She couldn’t find any words and when she didn’t answer he took her face in his hands.
“It wasn’t hard because I wasn’t acting,” he said softly. “The hard part has been pretending not to love you all these years.”
She stared at him. “You—”
“I love you, Becks. After last night you have to know that, surely? I love you, and I’ve loved you for a long time.”
The cold air crept under her coat but she didn’t notice.
She wasn’t aware of anything except him, and she felt joy slowly seep into her, the sheer volume of it pushing aside doubt and anxiety and all the other complicated emotions that had swirled inside her since she’d realised how she felt about Will.
It had always been Will. He was her person.
And she was his person.
He loved her. Not only that, but he’d loved her for a long time.
How was that possible? It felt too perfect, and she knew life was rarely perfect.
“You never said anything.” Her mouth was dry. “You’ve never said that word. In all the years we’ve been friends. All the hours we’ve spent together. You’ve never said that word.”
“I’m saying it now.” He took her face in his hands, his gaze holding hers.
“I love you, Becks. And I probably should have said it a long time ago, but I wasn’t sure if you felt the same way and I was afraid of damaging what we had.
And maybe also damaging my friendship with Jamie.
Our parents’ friendship. I didn’t want things to be awkward. ”
“A long time ago?” She stared at him, her mind working. “How long?”
“I’m not sure. But at least the last few years.” He stroked her cheek gently with his fingers. “Why do you think Elsie broke up with me?”
“I have no idea. I assumed she was a woman with poor decision making skills.”
He smiled. “She broke up with me because she knew I was in love with you.”
“How could she possibly have known that?”
“She saw us together. And she knew I was a lost cause.” He lowered his head and kissed her again before lifting his mouth from hers just enough to enable him to speak. “So are you going to tell me how you feel now?”
She flung her arms round his neck, her face wet with tears. “I love you too. Maybe I’ve loved you for a long time. I don’t even know. I’m not—”
“You’re not good at understanding your feelings, I know.”