Chapter Twelve #2
“Is it?” Tears rose to her eyes as the episode deepened. So much so that her breathing became labored. She reached out to clutch the back of a chair merely to steady herself.
“I’m the second son…”
“And I’m a widow who will need more than her dead husband’s pension before too long.” Her voice sounded far too shrill to her own ears, and her breaths continued to come quickly. “Perhaps you should go. I can’t do this now.”
“Is it your anxiety?” Suddenly, he was in front of her with a hand at her hip.
“Yes, and I’m upset…”
“I’m sorry.” Gently, slowly, he put his arms around her, wrapped her in the comfort of his embrace and simply held her.
Several minutes went by where neither of them said anything, and eventually she relaxed enough to calm her breathing, and she leaned on him.
“What will become of what we have, what we share, Constance? I’m not ready to give you up to some bounder with a title who may or may not treat you well. ”
Her heart skipped a beat despite her dismay. “I don’t know.” Could she remain a mistress if she had an opportunity to become another man’s wife? Could she separate love from lust, romance for fondness? Was that even possible? Then she gasped.
Am I in love with Gregory?
When she attempted to pull away, he held her more tightly. And she let him. God help her, she wanted to bask in the safety and the protection he offered, but if he couldn’t commit to something more meaningful in the future, what was there for her? For them together?
Eventually, he nuzzled the crook of her neck, and a soft sob mixed with a moan escaped her.
“Constance…” Then he moved, shuttled her over the floor, and she willingly retreated before him.
When her back connected with the wall, he kept her trapped between it and his body.
“You truly want to toss away what’s between us for the sake of perhaps bringing another man up to scratch?
” A hint of desperation rang in his tone.
And it shredded her heart. “No, I don’t, but perhaps you do with the slight you’ve just handed me. How am I supposed to go forward knowing that is how you truly see me?”
“It’s not… I didn’t mean…”
“Do you have anything else to say to me? Something that can prevent anything from changing between us?” If there was a chance, however tiny, that he felt something—anything—for her beyond desire, beyond lust, beyond convenience, she gave him the chance to say it.
“No.” Gregory shook his head, heaved out a breath that ruffled the curls on her forehead. Disappointment reflected on his face, for her or for him, she couldn’t discern. “I apologize, but you knew how the wind blew when we first began what we have. We have always been honest with each other.”
“I know, but I don’t need to like it, I suppose.
” Honest with each other, except now, except when she should have spoken about the feelings swamping her, for she suspected she liked him more than she should, especially as a mistress.
“Why is this part of life so challenging and disappointing at the same time?”
“Perhaps due to the fact that life is raw and messy, and if we’re fortunate, we can steal a few moments of pleasure from it.” Then he slipped his free hand around her nape, dragged her into his body, and claimed her lips in a hard, frenzied kiss that had her senses spinning.
All she wanted to do was lose herself in this man, to forget about the future where he wouldn’t have a part, to not think about anything except how safe and right it felt to be in his arms. A few moments passed as she returned his kisses, layered her body scandalously against his, and when he grabbed one of her breasts, she planted a palm to his chest and gave him a little push.
“What do we do now?” It would prove too painful to move forward if there was an end date in mind. Best to cut their association before she could fall deeper for him. If he didn’t feel the same about her, anything between them was impossible.
“I don’t know.” For a few seconds, he stared at her, held her gaze while genuine shock reflected in those gray depths. “Is this the end of our relationship, then?” His jaw worked as if he were trying to find more words, but nothing followed his inquiry.
A ball of tears formed in her throat while moisture stung her eyes. “If I marry, would you even want to continue like this? Is that fair to either of us?”
“No, I suppose not. Yet I don’t think I could share you.”
She nodded. “No doubt a husband would think the same.” When he didn’t answer, she gave a shuddering sigh.
“And if you marry—or rather when you marry—I’ll ask the same question.
Wouldn’t you want to fall in love with the woman you’ll take to wife?
To have a future with, a family, the woman you’ll leave a legacy with?
” It pained her to say the words aloud, for it practically guaranteed the end of their relationship.
Confusion lay stamped over his face. “Of course, but—”
“Then we both have our answer.”
“Yet neither of us is attached to anyone else, Constance.” The note of desperation still threaded through Gregory’s voice. “We still have this, we still have each other. Now.”
And through it all, he never once admitted to feelings of any kind for her. Did that mean he didn’t have them or wasn’t ready to acknowledge them? Either way, she couldn’t afford to wait, for life being what it was, she had to plan for her future.
She held his dear face between her palms, stared into his eyes, let herself drown in those stormy pools one last time. “Then we have tonight, because after that, we will need to walk the paths we were always supposed to walk.”
“Constance, I…”
With a nod, she brushed her lips over his while she worked to loosen his cravat. Good heavens, but the heat of him called to her, and she needed one last taste of him. “Even you must admit we were never supposed to go in the same direction.”
No matter how it tore her heart asunder, no matter how much she loved him. Eventually, those feelings would fade and she would forget.
“That doesn’t mean we aren’t on the same damned path now, until we know otherwise.” Again, he claimed her lips with such force that she was slammed back against the wall.
With a poorly stifled sob, she clutched at his shoulders, and gave herself fully to him, because no matter how much she needed a secure future, she knew she would always be his.
Regretfully.